My childhood bully is a professional counsellor!!

[Missusblusky1]

Kind of lighthearted I guess, but I’ve just discovered through the world of Facebook that my secondary school bully who threatened to kill me for no reason is now an established counsellor / psychotherapist…. Probably the last person I would have thought who would ever help anybody!

I remember going on a trip abroad with our school and she threatened to kill me whilst out there, the teachers didn’t take it seriously and it was a horrendous experience! She was a bitchy gossip who constantly belittled others for no reason other than for entertainment. And now I see she does all sort of work for charity too. Probably the most vile human being I’ve ever met. Hope no one goes to her for help!!!!

@Crispychillibeef

I'm sorry but I 100% believe people can change between childhood and adulthood. I don't think you can hold the actions of a child against them forever, especially if there are reasons beyond their control to explain their behaviour. If you can't appreciate an abused child will act out then you need to give your head a wobble. There's a very strong and well documented link between people abused in childhood becoming abusers themselves. I'm not saying this is true for every bully - some kids are just dicks - but it's not difficult to imagine why some kids behave the way they do and to hold that against them forever is incredibly childish.

It's not a 'get out' as others have said, just basic human decency. Trauma makes people behave in ridiculous ways. Are we really saying that these people don't deserve redemption if they've proved they can change? It's interesting really considering the entire justice system in this country is based on rehabilitation.

Everything you’ve said also applies to the victims who experienced trauma too. Telling victims to ‘give their heads a wobble’ and calling them childish suggests your empathy only extends as far as the bullies.

People commit suicide due to childhood bullying, you’re essentially telling them to pull themselves together

@Gilead

You would be surprised at how many manipulative, narcissistic bullies are therapists.

It's much easier to dominate and control people when they trust you, of course these types are attracted to the therapeutic professions.... people are usually prepared to unconditionally trust therapists on the strength of their professional qualifications. It's the perfect cover.

@Sittingonabench

While I agree with the idea of abused children not being able to process emotions - the fact is when they act out to bully and abuse others the victims then experience trauma. A bully may be able to work through their issues as an adult but the victim of bullying rarely understands why it happened and so they cannot. Regardless when these bullies act out - they are usually doing so to someone of the same age be that young or young adult and there is no obligation for the victim to try to understand. If the bully wishes to tell them then that may help the forgiveness process for both but otherwise, a victim assuming they are still capable of the aggressive behaviour displayed to them is reasonable. Why should you start from a position of “they’ve changed” without any supporting evidence ( which training in a caring capacity is not IMO)

You’ve worded exactly what I wanted to say far better than I could. I’m appalled that victims of bullying are told they are not entitled to their feelings about what happened to them

@OnlyheretovoteonAIBU not sure how you reached that conclusion from what I was saying. Nowhere did I say that I don't have any empathy for bullying victims - it goes without saying and the point I'm making is regarding bullies specifically.

FWIW, I experienced bullying as a child and it stayed with me for years. I hated the bitch and hoped awful things would happen to her for the way she treated me. However, as I've got older and reflected on the past, I can appreciate that she will have had things going on at home that caused her behaviour and the more I consider it she was a deeply self-conscious individual who likely behaved the way she did as a defense mechanism.

Is what she did OK? No. Does it undo the awful things she did to me? No. Has it helped me heal? Yes, a hell of a lot.

Realistically, she could still be a horrible individual who is still a bully now, but actually acknowledging that she could have been a victim in her own right helps me make peace with what she did to me.

@SpongeBobJudgeyPants

I qualified as a counsellor a few years ago. Pretty intensive course, with residential elements to it. High level for assessments. I had recently completed a degree, and I was expecting to be really easy by comparison, but no. About 20 of us in total. After the first residential weekend, when the trainers decided between the two of them that the night's entertainment (in a lovely historic city that we didn't live in) would be cheese and wine in the classroom we'd spent all day in, and were due to spend another day in, we decided to avoid this, but nicely. We decided to go to a few real ale pubs, but suspected it wouldn't be easily negotiated after last time, so we made a video, gently taking the wotsit out of the talking ball we used in training, and telling them where they could catch up with us. About 5 mins video in total, so not that arduous. They were invited to play the video, and we all effed off. One of the trainess was around when they put the video on, was involved in it, knew exactly what the deal was. Tutors decided to fast forward the video, completely missing the bit that would have told them where we were. She chose not to say anything, which launched a bit of a shit-storm the next day. She passed, as did most of us, and went on to counsel bereaved people. Why would anyone effectively choose to upset people like that, without being deeply odd? So, everyone else I trained with, I would trust them with my deepest darkest darkest secrets. Not her.

And yes, when I was in hospital having DD I met some deeply unpleasant midwives...

Sorry but that story reads as passive aggressive to me. Why couldn't you just directly tell your tutors you didn't fancy wine and cheese and would they like to join you in town? Isn't a lot of therapy based in open assertive communication, not passive indirect pisstake?

I haven't seen anyone say victims have to rehabilitate or are not entitled to their feelings. My DH was bullied desperately, he has not been able to tell me much about it and it has hugely impacted on his life, and mine, even 30 years later. Obviously he hates that person and that won't ever change.

@Crispychillibeef

FWIW, I experienced bullying as a child and it stayed with me for years. I hated the bitch and hoped awful things would happen to her for the way she treated me. However, as I've got older and reflected on the past, I can appreciate that she will have had things going on at home that caused her behaviour and the more I consider it she was a deeply self-conscious individual who likely behaved the way she did as a defense mechanism.

Is what she did OK? No. Does it undo the awful things she did to me? No. Has it helped me heal? Yes, a hell of a lot.

Realistically, she could still be a horrible individual who is still a bully now, but actually acknowledging that she could have been a victim in her own right helps me make peace with what she did to me.

The decision to empathise with your bully is your choice. If that helped you then good for you but you have no right to insult others by calling them childish for still being unable to forgive theirs. It minimises what for many people was one of the most traumatic experiences of their lives.

Would you tell a rape victim that they should empathise with their rapist due to whatever fucked up reasons they had for doing what they did?

The rehabilitation of people who have harmed others is not an obligation owed by their victims. I don’t give a fuck what problems my bully had, it makes no difference to the damage they caused.

@quizqueen

If a cricketer can be suspended for old teenage facebook comments, why can't a therapist also be suspended for murder threats as a teen!

Quite!

@HercwasanEnemyofEducation

Perhaps she's changed.

Who knows what was going on in her life as a child for her to behave like that.

Exactly what I thought.

I have a friend who was probably the most neurotic, narcissistic child I ever knew. She was merciless and self righteous and most adults believed she was a gentle, sensitive soul.

She is now a 'red tent' style counsellor and still splits opinions in the same way.

I know, because I know her well, that her altruism, her kindness, understanding and helpfulness feeds her ego. She portrays herself as a selfless support for women for whom the world is a confusing, soul squeezing place. From another perspective she is an emotional vampire and simply hearing the woes of others is its own reward. Being thanked for helping is her champagne, her caviar, her chocolate.

Once, many years ago, I made the mistake of mentioning my PMDD. I had no idea what I was unleashing. Apparently my unresolved issues around my place in the cosmos had forced said cosmos to put me at war with my most female essence. Only renouncing my inner evil would stop that war. That evil was, she decided, my non belief in her quackery.

30 years on and she still checks in on me, to ensure my inner femininity is still in balance. Fortunately she still lives a few hours away, so I am safe from a hands on visit.

She may have taken the job to alleviate her guilt. Teenagers do stupid things, it’s rare for someone to still be the same person as an adult.

I've found this - as in I had a few bullies, and according to FB they're all in caring jobs such as nursing.
Weird how they all seem to end up in a position of power looking after others - my cynical side can't help wondering if they still want to be the little bullies they always were so have to feel like they're in power over people even in adult life.

@SunflowerOwl

That must be really weird for you.

A girl that was horrible to me at school is now a midwife at our local hospital - I'm 30 weeks pregnant and absolutely dreading her being there when I go into labour!

@SunflowerOil [flower] Stand up for yourself - there's no way I'd have wanted thatm veing pregnant can be stressful enough! You don't need to give any reasons - just say you don't want her looking after you. There's no way a certain someone I was at school with I'd want anywhere near me if I was feeling vulnerable.

My bully works with vulnerable adults now. She was also sexually inappropriate with me. There were different types of bullies at my school, those that lashed out and those who were more sly about it, they planned how to humiliate others and they found it amusing. I know one girl who had a violent dad who used to lash out, I don’t bare her any ill will. But the other kind came from nice homes and were spoilt, these are the ones I see in caring professions now and I think it’s no coincidence that they can still exercise control in these jobs and exploit the power balance.

@Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow

Oh my god, this is such a simplistic view. Do you honestly believe that every action taken by every person has been an active choice? That every person knows exactly the correct way to behave in every situation regardless of emotional state, previous trauma, etc etc and any deviation from correct behaviour is a deliberate choice?

I feel choice has a bigger kart than some want to admit.

Part* not kart.

But the other kind came from nice homes and were spoilt

How do you know? Do people in Nice homes who appear spoilt never have hardships growing up?

For those that say the bullies deserve a second chance.

How about they earn it first.

Its not for the victims to just forgive, its up to the bully to prove that they have changed enough to be forgiven.

Im not defending bullies, but how would we know if they'd earned the right to be a therapist or a nidwife or a celebrant??

Unless we were still in their lives obviously.

Im not a bully apologist!! In fact, Im being edged out of a group atm, a group i have every right to be in because one covert scapegoating narcissist love bombs everybody else and treats me like a ghost. I dont think she thinks she has done anything wrong. In her mind i did something uppity and it offended her so she's teaching me a lesson.. she hasnt spiken to me or acknowledged me in over a year but i would put money on her considering herself the injured party.

I think she is a very damaged individual but she identifies with being a wonderful human being.

How do they earn a second chance when we could be talking of 20 years of personal growth without seeing each other? I personally would assume that someone had changed over such a long period.

I'm not saying that the OP should phone up her childhood bully and arrange afternoon tea or that people should go around giving their rapists hugs because they might have changed. As I said before, some people are just dicks. However, it's perfectly reasonable to suggest that people change between childhood and adulthood. What victims do with that is of course up to them. I used the likelihood of this to give myself some closure because I wasn't going to get it any other way. Of course, if you don't feel like you can do that then that's fine too. I just can't understand the assumption that someone who is a bully at school isn't capable of being a decent adult.

I know someone who was is an awful person. You are either their friend(!) or their enemy.

Think a lifetime of deliberately aiming to ruin other people’s relationships despite originally being married with children their self, parading their infidelities in front of their young children, abandoning said children for a good chunk of time because partying and holidaying with their bit on the side was more fun - before suddenly returning to the family home when they realised they’d have to pay child maintenance if they stayed as the NRP. And just being spiteful and cruel. There was/is always an angle to any convo.

They suffered a sudden bereavement, got a lot worse - no shaming there as I can’t imagine their pain - and then became a counsellor.
To hear what they think of their clients the sheer lack of empathy, mocking and horribleness is astounding.
Why the heck would someone with such a horrible personality go into a career like that???

I know of 2 acquaintances (school mums) who were manipulative or judgemental. One of them incredibly flaky, the other just downright nasty who couldn’t hide her contempt if you weren’t as affluent as her. Both have gone into therapy type jobs recently. Gobsmacked when I found out. And I wasn’t the only one to feel that way .

Crispychillibeef
How do they earn a second chance when we could be talking of 20 years of personal growth without seeing each other?

By apologising to those that they bullied,

I personally would assume that someone had changed over such a long period.

Experience has taught me otherwise.

@Gilead

You would be surprised at how many manipulative, narcissistic bullies are therapists.

Actually you wouldn’t if you studied psychology 😂😂😂