My childhood bully is a professional counsellor!!

[Missusblusky1]

Kind of lighthearted I guess, but I’ve just discovered through the world of Facebook that my secondary school bully who threatened to kill me for no reason is now an established counsellor / psychotherapist…. Probably the last person I would have thought who would ever help anybody!

I remember going on a trip abroad with our school and she threatened to kill me whilst out there, the teachers didn’t take it seriously and it was a horrendous experience! She was a bitchy gossip who constantly belittled others for no reason other than for entertainment. And now I see she does all sort of work for charity too. Probably the most vile human being I’ve ever met. Hope no one goes to her for help!!!!

I think there are bullies in every sector of business, profession etc. To expect one profession to be free of people with human qualities would be unreasonable. Much as we might like all staff in (any workplace) the caring professions to be purer than the driven snow, it's impossible and anyway, to have a therapist free from human qualities would make them a robot and probably not someone patients could relate to.

I went a bit batty after an illness PTSD and saw a therapist she was wonderful, then a few years later I developed some worrying OCD symptoms and saw a different therapist who talked constantly about herself and made me feel insignificant. I still have the OCD, its mild most of the time and I'm trying to control it myself. Wont be going back to therapy unless I go batshit crazy again.

We have a neighbour who is horrible - arrogant, rude, doesn’t give a shit about how his behaviour affects those around him - and he’s a child psychologist. Lets his dog bark in the garden, threatens those who complain, he’s a nasty piece of work.

I actually have a very similar thing.
I actually had a girlfriend at school (I was doing A levels) who had dumped this boy a few months later became my girlfriend.
He did not take kindly to this and went really weird. They had promise rings for eachother and he buried his on the local common. He also set up a website (that's now been removed) called "Shifty..(his name).." where he used to write some really disturbing poems about raping me and taking my eyes out with a spoon and putting them on my back with a knife. He once followed me down our local highstreet. He also faked seizures and cutting his wrists to get his ex's attention.
He was also obsessed with another girl at my school who he actually pushed down the stairs at school. She was also subject to his Internet ramblings. She ended up trying for a injunction or restraining order.. she was granted something but I don't really know the details but he wasn't allowed near her or to talk to her. But he was unhinged to a scary level.. he's now a Physciatrist!

I haven’t RTFT but it makes me very uneasy that we , as a society, due to things like social media are holding people to account for things they did in older childhood or teenage years. (I’m not including heinous crimes in that thought).

I’m sorry you were bullied OP but your post comes across as having a slight hint of nastiness to it too. Do you honestly believe people can’t grow and change from vile teenagers in to responsible and caring adults?

I was a rebellious teen and probably put my parents through hell. I thought I was invincible and I wasn’t as kind as I could have been to others (and I myself was on the receiving end - it’s how it was in high school). NOW , I’m a trustworthy, kind and caring adult (if I do say so myself ). I have changed.

I also believe that the word “bully” is thrown around much too often these days. (You most certainly were bullied in the true sense OP) but I’ve seen mothers calling bully at young children for not allowing their DC to play on the odd occasion or an unkind spat between teens being labelled as bullying.

Teens can be absolutely vile to each other, but I do think bullying in the true sense has lost it’s actual meaning.

I say that as someone who received various slights in school, had things thrown at me, told I was ugly, told I was weird and I was targeted during games with the odd whack to the ankle , but I genuinely would not say I was bullied.

Most of those people have grown in to responsible adults and are nothing like they used to be (myself included). I think it’s very harsh to judge a person on their youth.

Inwiththenew I totally agree and have definitely experienced this myself, it’s so ridiculously patronising ...

“I could be wrong but I think it’s possible that a lot of therapists are narcissists who basically teach other narcissists how to get away with their despicable behaviour by conditioning their responses with the use of non violent and soft language.”

@notbloodylikely

We have a neighbour who is horrible - arrogant, rude, doesn’t give a shit about how his behaviour affects those around him - and he’s a child psychologist. Lets his dog bark in the garden, threatens those who complain, he’s a nasty piece of work.

Wow! That’s worrying 😔

BumbleFlump

Inwiththenew I totally agree and have definitely experienced this myself, it’s so ridiculously patronising ...

“I could be wrong but I think it’s possible that a lot of therapists are narcissists who basically teach other narcissists how to get away with their despicable behaviour by conditioning their responses with the use of non violent and soft language.”

Omg that puts me right off any form of counselling

Bit off subject but I experienced a High Dependency nurse who bullied neglected and laughed at me when I was in pain. Turned out she bullied the other nurses and patients too. I reported her but alas nothing was done

I completely empathize with this post as someone who inflicted a lot of homophobia on me is now a clinical psychologist. She wasn't far off qualifying when this happened, so does anyone know if I can report her to the BACP (British Association For Counselling and Psychotherapy)? I don't know if a complaint registered would have to be in view of being a client of theirs or whether I can report for a personal matter. Bullying of any kind is abhorrent, but the shame you feel from homophobia is different level.

Shocking that she was shaming people near the end of her training. 😟

She has went full circle then. Making up for her days as a bully.

@LikeButterWouldntMelt - the BACP is not the accrediting body for clinical psychologists.
I think you would be looking at HCPC or BPS.

@LikeButterWouldntMelt

I completely empathize with this post as someone who inflicted a lot of homophobia on me is now a clinical psychologist. She wasn't far off qualifying when this happened, so does anyone know if I can report her to the BACP (British Association For Counselling and Psychotherapy)? I don't know if a complaint registered would have to be in view of being a client of theirs or whether I can report for a personal matter. Bullying of any kind is abhorrent, but the shame you feel from homophobia is different level.

For Clinical Psychology its the Health and Care Professionals Council www.hcpc-uk.org/

I used to work with a lady who publicly humiliated another colleague after she had a miscarriage. She told her she had no business ‘bringing it into work’ and that no-one cared. The colleague who miscarried did so at 14 weeks, she had a very visible bump and a few weeks earlier the office was full of congratulations. This lady is now a counsellor specialising in pregnancy and early motherhood / post natal depression which apparently she suffered herself several years later. I could not believe it when I read her credentials on her website. She seems to want to help clients whom have the same issues she did (she also helps women with skin conditions which she also suffered with). I can’t understand the psychology of it all. She met her husband when he was engaged to someone else too.

I’m pretty sure that people who knew me as a troubled teen and young adult would baulk at the idea of me now being a therapist. I was never a bully, but I got into drinking, drugs and sex early, was caught shoplifting a few times, then struggled with addictions in my 20s. I had undiagnosed ADHD, as it turns out, and parents who were very preoccupied with their own dramas. I believed I was a “bad kid” and deserved nothing but a bad life, so guess how I acted…I was that kid who I see people on mumsnet saying they’d stop their nice kids being friends with.

What changed it was receiving therapy in rehab in my mid 20s, having the ADHD diagnosed and medicated, and then volunteering afterwards with young people at high risk of offending. The experiences I’d had meant I could relate to them. They appreciated that I wasn’t perfect. I can see and appreciate now how hard I worked to make things different for myself, and how lucky I was to meet professionals who didn’t write me off and saw potential I and many others around me (who were understandably sick of my shit) didn’t see. I lost most of the decent friends I ever made in my late teens and early 20s and I accept that as a consequence of my actions. I was too much for them, at that time.

I dare say though despite everything I did to change my life, people who knew me then might struggle to see how I could be so very different and could hand on heart say I’d never go back to that. The people from our past often stay sort of “frozen in time” for us and if she hurt and humiliated you, I can understand why it would be hard to fathom that she’s suddenly now in a helping profession and position of trust. I’d expect anyone who knew me from the past wouldn’t want to send their kids to see me, because I know their view of me, having not seen me in 20 years or more, is probably still that chaotic, messy, troubled young person. And if I hurt them during that time, I don’t expect forgiveness or reconciliation.

What I wouldn’t expect them to do, however, would be to actively try to ruin what I have now by smearing my reputation or “outing” my past. I work on the principle that pretty much everyone deserves a second chance and to get on with life without being always dragged down by the past.

All the main bullies in my school really haven't done that well in life as adults in varying areas of life which I've always assumed was a knock on from their lack of feelings when younger. Except one - He did realise quite early into adulthood and made a point of apologising to as many people as he found for his behaviour.

That's said, he's not a therapist but he's genuinely the only one who I wouldn't be aghast at counselling others especially having shown no remorse.

@AnnieSnap having your own therapy is a requirement for many more modalities now, not exclusively psychodynamic. I trained integratively but had to have 80h of mandatory personal therapy. I know it’s controversial in some ways but I think that trainees should have personal therapy in ALL modalities, we need to know how it feels in the client’s chair.

@PineappleMojito I agree. I certainly did and I feel sure ut made ne a better therapist than I would otherwise be.

Was that hard? did you feel you had 80 hours of things you needed to talk out? Did it feel like a box ticking exercise?
I could fill 80 hours! But my parents were so immature and took responsibility for nothing and projected and live in denial...............

@Labradooodle I filled 80 hours and then some. Didn’t feel like box ticking, it was helpful. My childhood was very chaotic and there was trauma. Studying with ADHD was hard too, tutors weren’t always sympathetic to that. I found it really useful to have that space and to an extent I think that therapist was a “secure base” for me during training. I’ve had some therapy since qualifying as well, if I’ve had a tricky process with a patient that’s hit on my stuff or if I’ve had my own shit going on and I want to make sure I process it away from work. Therapy helped me cope with lockdown depression, for example.

Someone I worked with was, on the surface, great company and good fun but she could also be very unpleasant and gossipy, and make the lives of certain people with whom she had fallen out very difficult.

I later learned that, on returning to work after having a family, she had re-trained as a counsellor. Poor clients I thought.

I think it's slightly different if this sort of nasty behaviour occurs in childhood. Often distressed children bully others. As has been suggested, perhaps she received some help and in adulthood is a much changed person.