My childhood bully is a professional counsellor!!

[Missusblusky1]

Kind of lighthearted I guess, but I’ve just discovered through the world of Facebook that my secondary school bully who threatened to kill me for no reason is now an established counsellor / psychotherapist…. Probably the last person I would have thought who would ever help anybody!

I remember going on a trip abroad with our school and she threatened to kill me whilst out there, the teachers didn’t take it seriously and it was a horrendous experience! She was a bitchy gossip who constantly belittled others for no reason other than for entertainment. And now I see she does all sort of work for charity too. Probably the most vile human being I’ve ever met. Hope no one goes to her for help!!!!

Its very worrying that so many professions haven't worked out how to screen abusers and bullies out in the early stages.

If you checked out all your school/university classmates decades later you'd get lots of surprises and a few nasty shocks.

But (in my experience) not many "just what I expected" results.

If a cricketer can be suspended for old teenage facebook comments, why can't a therapist also be suspended for murder threats as a teen!

I have a lot of experience with counsellors (proper BACP counsellors) and they have all been really supportive.

My son who is autistic has many anxietIES and having PIP meant he could see a counsellor privately who was amazing with him.

You get good and bad in all professions so it's unfair to tar them all with the same brush.

Every fireman I've ever met/known has been an arsehole ...I've met a total of three. All abusive fuckwits to their partners, doesn't mean all firemen are like this.

The girl who bullied me at school no works as a TA in a primary school. I happen to know now that she was in an abusive home and her brother went to prison for murder during the time I knew her.

Last time I saw her (we are now in our 50s) we had a long chat about life and she was lovely. People change as they mature.

People change. That’s the whole point of therapy.

I’d doesn’t surprise me. I’ve got a lot of good stories from very reliable sources about half of the ‘be kind’ ‘buy my book about mental health’ crowd.

Do abusive men change?

I'm don't believe child bullies do change - I think some of them just learn to be a bit more discreet about it as adults. Bullies often appear to have friends and families that love them. It's only those they choose to bully that are at risk.

My mum who was severely abusive and left me with complex PTSD is now an adolescent therapist

People change from when they are teenagers.
She may feel guilty for her earlier behavior and trying to make up for it by doing good deeds. I can understand why you are shocked though.

I qualified as a counsellor a few years ago. Pretty intensive course, with residential elements to it. High level for assessments. I had recently completed a degree, and I was expecting to be really easy by comparison, but no. About 20 of us in total. After the first residential weekend, when the trainers decided between the two of them that the night's entertainment (in a lovely historic city that we didn't live in) would be cheese and wine in the classroom we'd spent all day in, and were due to spend another day in, we decided to avoid this, but nicely. We decided to go to a few real ale pubs, but suspected it wouldn't be easily negotiated after last time, so we made a video, gently taking the wotsit out of the talking ball we used in training, and telling them where they could catch up with us. About 5 mins video in total, so not that arduous. They were invited to play the video, and we all effed off. One of the trainess was around when they put the video on, was involved in it, knew exactly what the deal was. Tutors decided to fast forward the video, completely missing the bit that would have told them where we were. She chose not to say anything, which launched a bit of a shit-storm the next day. She passed, as did most of us, and went on to counsel bereaved people. Why would anyone effectively choose to upset people like that, without being deeply odd? So, everyone else I trained with, I would trust them with my deepest darkest darkest secrets. Not her.

And yes, when I was in hospital having DD I met some deeply unpleasant midwives...

People change, they really do. I hate bullying but counselling can work for both bully and victim and it seems in this case it has been really successful for her. Don’t ruin her career by gossiping.

Agree- and we're back at the #bekind shenanigans. Oh be kind to your bully because there must be a reason they're acting like that. Where's the telling of be kind and stop your behaviour to the bully?

No one has said that you should be kind to your bully. People have pointed out that there is usually a reason for the bully (a.child) behaving as they do and if there if evidence that they have changed as they've grown up then it may be true. Also, in order to let go of any anger, shame, etc that you are carrying from that time period it might be worth talking to them about it.

The boy who bullied in DSs class at primary had an awful home life. I know that at one point he witnessed his mother having her skull fractured on the kitchen worktop by his stepfather. He ended up being taken into care.

Anyone who, as mature adult, thinks that a small child should know how to process the emotions he must have being feeling back then with no help is displaying a remarkable lack of empathy, I believe.

If I were you I would book a one off appointment with her, tell her it’s for trauma caused by severe bullying in school, describe to her all the things that happened to you and see if she recognises herself ( and if she doesn’t/pretends not to then tell her before walking out). Be worth it to see her squirm.

I'm sorry but I 100% believe people can change between childhood and adulthood. I don't think you can hold the actions of a child against them forever, especially if there are reasons beyond their control to explain their behaviour. If you can't appreciate an abused child will act out then you need to give your head a wobble. There's a very strong and well documented link between people abused in childhood becoming abusers themselves. I'm not saying this is true for every bully - some kids are just dicks - but it's not difficult to imagine why some kids behave the way they do and to hold that against them forever is incredibly childish.

It's not a 'get out' as others have said, just basic human decency. Trauma makes people behave in ridiculous ways. Are we really saying that these people don't deserve redemption if they've proved they can change? It's interesting really considering the entire justice system in this country is based on rehabilitation.

I wouldn’t be able to resist trying to book a session with her, you could say you need help overcoming your ptsd caused by horrific childhood bullying. See how far it gets before she twigs who you are. The only psychotherapist I know is a controlling arse of a husband who’s a shouty arsehole to his kids and his wife!

Do people 'just change' or do they need therapy or an intervention?

Is it up to victims to facilitate the rehabilitation of the people who abused them?

@OnlyheretovoteonAIBU crossed post! I said exactly the same.

It's always those people on Facebook posting 'it costs nothing to be kind' 'Try to be a rainbow in someone's cloud' quotes etc. That are the most vindictive bullies....trying to prove they're not.

Genuinely nice people don't need to tell the world they are, the work already knows.

Your school time bully if probably a bit like this OP, selling herself as a helper to all, but deep down not very nice (unless she's reflected on her younger years with horror and completely changed her ways)

@Summerfun54321 - agreed!

I was an arsehole in secondary. Never made threats or anything, but got involved in a fight or ten. Loud,gobby all around arsehole to some peers and even teachers too. I'll own up to that.

I was also:

-abandoned in hospital by my bio mother.

• emotionally,mentally and physically abused by my (adoptive) mother. She used to snap and chase me round the house with a stick,or drag me by my hair,slap me , try to kick me out of the house and slamming the door repeatedly on my foot. That's on top of the name calling, what a disappointment I am , how fat I am, not girly enough, not nice enough, not good enough.

• i was bullied throughout my primary, my nickname was Sumo. This escalated in a sexual assault by 6 classmates in a school trip. I was also laughed at and bullied by both children and teachers for being clumsy,messy,always covered in ink,messy handwriting etc. The teachers came up with their own nickname.

• my grandfather cornered me in my bedroom

-my maths tutor sexually assaulted me.

• i was told i deserved it,it was my fault, it was dismissed,laughed at etc by both teachers and my mother.

I was indeed vile by 18, I was also utterly fucked up, lost all respect and trust in adults and my mentality was "if everyone hates me and treats me like shit, might as well give them a reason to". After all being the good girl didn't keep me safe anyways.

I'm a lot older now and I work with kids. I'm not an arsehole anymore. I'm patient . I'm caring and kind. I'm funny. I build great relationships,bonds and trust with the kids i work with,especially our vulnerable ones. More importantly... I understand, I see them,I fight in their corner and I try to be the grownup in their lives that I never had

@OnlyheretovoteonAIBU

If I were you I would book a one off appointment with her, tell her it’s for trauma caused by severe bullying in school, describe to her all the things that happened to you and see if she recognises herself ( and if she doesn’t/pretends not to then tell her before walking out). Be worth it to see her squirm.

If the counsellor has any level of professional integrity at she won't work with someone she knows. If the OP has changed her name she might get through the door but once the counsellor recognises her she will have bring the session to an end and assign/recommend a colleague to see her.

I used to do initial assessments for a counselling agency, talking to prospective clients to get an idea of what their issues were, how troubled they were, what style of therapy might suit them best etc. One day, a few minutes into the assessment I realised the patient, a youngish man, had been in my sons class at school for many years. I identified myself and said that since we had an existing relationship i would have to terminate the session. He had been waiting for weeks for this assessment and was very clear that he trusted me to be discreet and abide by confidentiality protocols and he would rather talk to me now than go back on the waiting list further delaying the start of the counselling. Since this was an assessment not a counselling session I decided to go ahead but told him it was fine to hold back on what he told me if it felt too personal or uncomfortable. He obviously didn't feel uncomfortable at all and 40 minutes later I knew a great deal about his sex life with particular reference to ED! It was odd listening to someone I had known as a little boy talking about sex so confidently and openly. .

Obviously I have never mentioned to my son that I saw this person professionally but when his name crops up in the occasional conversation I think about him and hope he got what he needed from his counselling.

@AccidentallyOnPurpose

I was an arsehole in secondary. Never made threats or anything, but got involved in a fight or ten. Loud,gobby all around arsehole to some peers and even teachers too. I'll own up to that.

I was also:

-abandoned in hospital by my bio mother.

• emotionally,mentally and physically abused by my (adoptive) mother. She used to snap and chase me round the house with a stick,or drag me by my hair,slap me , try to kick me out of the house and slamming the door repeatedly on my foot. That's on top of the name calling, what a disappointment I am , how fat I am, not girly enough, not nice enough, not good enough.

• i was bullied throughout my primary, my nickname was Sumo. This escalated in a sexual assault by 6 classmates in a school trip. I was also laughed at and bullied by both children and teachers for being clumsy,messy,always covered in ink,messy handwriting etc. The teachers came up with their own nickname.

• my grandfather cornered me in my bedroom

-my maths tutor sexually assaulted me.

• i was told i deserved it,it was my fault, it was dismissed,laughed at etc by both teachers and my mother.

I was indeed vile by 18, I was also utterly fucked up, lost all respect and trust in adults and my mentality was "if everyone hates me and treats me like shit, might as well give them a reason to". After all being the good girl didn't keep me safe anyways.

I'm a lot older now and I work with kids. I'm not an arsehole anymore. I'm patient . I'm caring and kind. I'm funny. I build great relationships,bonds and trust with the kids i work with,especially our vulnerable ones. More importantly... I understand, I see them,I fight in their corner and I try to be the grownup in their lives that I never had

Your childhood doesn't define who you are now. You say you were vile to people - in the eyes of some mumsnetters that makes you a bully and you must still be one now.

Of course anyone with any decency can see that that's total bullshit.

I hope you've made peace with your childhood and it sounds as though you've used your experiences to better yourself.

While I agree with the idea of abused children not being able to process emotions - the fact is when they act out to bully and abuse others the victims then experience trauma. A bully may be able to work through their issues as an adult but the victim of bullying rarely understands why it happened and so they cannot. Regardless when these bullies act out - they are usually doing so to someone of the same age be that young or young adult and there is no obligation for the victim to try to understand. If the bully wishes to tell them then that may help the forgiveness process for both but otherwise, a victim assuming they are still capable of the aggressive behaviour displayed to them is reasonable. Why should you start from a position of “they’ve changed” without any supporting evidence ( which training in a caring capacity is not IMO)

Well said @Enko, everyone has the ability to grow and change, your personality traits (extroversion, openness etc.) won’t change much as they are innate however, your social skills, cognitive functioning and level of empathy definitely can change as they are not as innate and have a lot to do with culture, upbringing and of course therapy/ self- development. A qualified therapist has to go through a lot of costly supervision and their own counselling, it can take almost a decade to get qualified (that’s if this bully is definitely qualified OP) so I can’t imagine her getting something out of having power over one of her clients. It would be easier for her to just enter a role as a supposed worker or childcare worker where the qualifications aren’t as necessary or as long to obtain. Of course there are bad people out there and an air of caution is always advised when dealing with people in power of the vulnerable.

My childhood bully is an author and public speaker on rape and sexual abuse survival.

On one occasion she pinned me down by the throat and started to throttle me. I hope here own experiences have created the opportunity for her to reflect on her treatment of me. B*tch.