My childhood bully is a professional counsellor!!

[Missusblusky1]

Kind of lighthearted I guess, but I’ve just discovered through the world of Facebook that my secondary school bully who threatened to kill me for no reason is now an established counsellor / psychotherapist…. Probably the last person I would have thought who would ever help anybody!

I remember going on a trip abroad with our school and she threatened to kill me whilst out there, the teachers didn’t take it seriously and it was a horrendous experience! She was a bitchy gossip who constantly belittled others for no reason other than for entertainment. And now I see she does all sort of work for charity too. Probably the most vile human being I’ve ever met. Hope no one goes to her for help!!!!

There is a reason for the term 'wounded healer'.. In many cases I just remember a lot of angry, I hate the world teens who I found very unapproachable and often unkind. Through an adult's eyes tho, I can now see they just had very tough teen years, perhaps with difficulties unknown to me. It's ironic that some posters, not op as obviously different, are showing their own lack of empathy by not understanding that change and growth is very possible from teen-grown and trained adult.

Wow, never heard the term wounded healer but that makes sense.
I was very wounded until the first time I had psychotherapy but it was always myself I was wounding (not walking away from situations where I was being taken advantage of, given the silent treatment, abused).

I have spent hours on here over the last decade, trying (as I see it) to open up the mindset of women in abusive relationships, and I think that could be a bit of ''wounded healer''

Absolutely StayCalm. So often people who are training as therapists are wounded themselves and indeed can give more because of this, once they deal with their own issues of course.

1. People do grow up, mature, change and choose a different way of being.
2. She may have benefited from counselling herself and thereafter inspired to work in the field.
3. LOADS of people who are interested in counselling or therapy as a profession are self-important, virtue-signalling nobs who want the accolade of being a ‘good person’. Narcissists, essentially. That’s not to say they aren’t good at their jobs or shouldn’t do it. I’m just saying, I’ve met quite a lot of self-promoting windbags who are attracted to counselling etc.

@Gilead

You would be surprised at how many manipulative, narcissistic bullies are therapists.

Would be interesting to see the evidence for your claim.

@lavenderandwisteria

Do people really think it’s impossible to change from being 13/14/15 to being in your thirties/forties?

Because I’m in trouble in that case!

Agree! I wasn't a bully but I certainly did things as a teen that I would consider shitty behaviour as an adult. Teenagers bully for all sorts of reasons, many of which are linked to immaturity.

Self promoting windbags

I've found the opposite, having just completed a course, incredible to say the difficulties people who outwardly seem to have it all, have. Huge growth went on for us, as a group. No self promoters clocked

@lavenderandwisteria

Do people really think it’s impossible to change from being 13/14/15 to being in your thirties/forties?

Because I’m in trouble in that case!

Well I believe it because I have changed. I never bullied anybody but I know I sought so much validation that it made me shallow. I was standing in the kitchen as a 37 year old woman with a new born and a toddler and an abusive behind closed doors ''boyfriend'' who treated me like his incompetent employee, and I had this fucking epiphany, I've got myself in to this mess because I was more focused on appearing happy than being happy. I understood where I'd gone wrong and how I'd ended up with such a shit life. So a while later I left and started making decisions based on whether they would make me happy and tuning out what other people would think. Not easy, my mother still tries to manipulate me (subtly, she thinks) in to making the decision she wants me to make.

But yes, I believe in change.

I had a school bully too. She mocked my appearance (teenage acne) and my maths and spelling skills (dyslexic) constantly. I was the lucky one as others were even physically abused by her. This was high school.

I remember after graduating from uni a few friends mentioned how much the bully had changed. Fast forward a few months and whilst shopping I bumped into her. She said a big hi and moved in for a hug. I was very very cold towards her and she noticed. That might I received a message on FB from her. She said she realised I wasnt friendly today and wanted to reach out and apologise for her past behaviour. She explained that even though years had passed she felt terrible and wanted me to know all her behaviour was due to loosing her mum (she doesn tknow her father) in year 7 and having to move in with a horrid uncle.

I have forgiven and moved on since. We are not the best of friends but when I do bump into her we do have small talks. She is now married with a lovely daughter. I hope she is able to have the happiness she deserved as a child.

We don't know what others are going through

I believe people can change, I've definitely changed and barely recognise my younger self.

When I found out about all the shit that my childhood bully went through as a child, I instantly understood why she did what she did and I forgave her. It's honestly so much better to let go of the anger and pain op if you can.

Others have said it much better than me, but bullies rarely bully because they are simply pyscopaths (around 1% of the population show psychopathic traits) and it's much more likely that she was suffering as a child, got help for it and then decided to train as a counsellor herself.

@Gilead

You would be surprised at how many manipulative, narcissistic bullies are therapists.

Yes I had one. I struggled to get to get out of bed to see her and was largely bedridden at the time. My health is currently better. But not great by any stretch. Still far too ill to work. Every week she pestered me to decide what I was going to do with my life… dd was in nursery at the time 3.5 days a week as I was too ill to take care of her. I think she thought I should be using that time to work or something. Really bullying in the end. I was very very confused and couldn’t process this with all the brain fog.

I arrived one day and this woman wasn’t there. She had finally been struck off for gross misconduct - she apparently divulged private information of another client. This was as much Info as they were allowed to provide.

The next therapist liked to talk about herself. A lot. And how well regarded she was. These were both via Mind btw. After that I sought out my own therapist a few years later by recommendation. And she was amazing.

However, I do also think self aware childhood bullies can make great therapists.

Well done StayCalm, that's amazing.

If she was bullying you last week then I'd be concerned. Fact is, she was a child herself when she was behaving this way. Often, bullies are troubled themselves and logically then they're probably best placed to help others once they've healed and changed.

I don't think we can bind people to their childhood behaviour, especially when you may not know what caused her to be the way she was. She could have been abused, for example.

@HeyGirlHeyBoy

Self promoting windbags

I've found the opposite, having just completed a course, incredible to say the difficulties people who outwardly seem to have it all, have. Huge growth went on for us, as a group. No self promoters clocked

To be fair, people I’m referring to are those who TALK about BECOMING a counsellor or therapist because they feel qualified in their infinite wisdom and humanity.

If it’s not that, they reckon they can read tarot cards, will perform reiki or will make a lot of noise about volunteering at a food bank or what have you.

Stands to reason that some of these people will actually go off and become a counsellor.

I bet she had pyschological issues, hopefully recieved help for them and decided to go into a caring profession as a result. At least I hope so. I do know lots of seriously unpleasant people who love to post 'if you ever need to talk, I'm always here' crap on facebook and do birthday fundraisers for mental health. Let's just hope she's the former, not the latter type.

You can't be a therapist unless you've had extensive therapy yourself. So whatever was driving the bulky behaviour of this person was probably explored at length during her own therapy.

Most therapists become so after being helped by their own therapy, heck I'm one of them, never a bully but years of repressed ongoing trauma led me to a man who saved my life and he suggested therapy might be something I am good at as a career choice.

People do stupid things as teens either to deal with other issues or to fit in or make themselves appear a certain way. We all change, some more than others.

@Mummyoflittledragon i once was encouraged to see a gp who was apparently training to be a therapist. I had left my abusive x and was trying to get back on my feet living my parents. The GP/''therapist'' kept telling me I needed to do something for me, which she thought meant a job. I was in no fit state to get a job believe me. She made me feel like a piece of shit for not having a job. I walked out of that ''session'' and couldn't walk for crying. I've never felt as worthless as I did after that session with her. Later, I went to a proper psychotherapist who never made me feel shit. She did put it to me that my parents hadn't been great parents which was shocking enough to me but what she said to me, and the way of looking at things, it was really helpful although I didn't process it all immediately. but when I think about that gp fancying herself as a therapist, I feel cross.

Well pictish, that's very different! As is counselling and psychotherapy! Op said this woman is a psychotherapist [goes to check OP]. Honestly it is gruelling training and encompasses group process too, which was probably the most eye opening and empathy inducing for me. And I can tell you anyone showing low engagement was picked up on.

Also…and it’s very true to say, I am a very different fish now to the one I was in my teens and at school.

@HercwasanEnemyofEducation

Perhaps she's changed.

Who knows what was going on in her life as a child for her to behave like that.

No. As someone who was bullied I actually don't give any shits about what my bullies may have had going on. They still chose to say and do the things they did. OP like you I would be horrified to find this out!

I was bullied horrendously at university by a senior member of the student welfare team. Because of his role, nobody believed me. I couldn’t even get away from him because his girlfriend (now wife) lived in the same house as I did. She was in on the bullying as well but I don’t think she had any idea of the full extent of it. Pair of total and utter fuckers.

They still chose to say and do the things they did. OP like you I would be horrified to find this out!

They were children.

Choice is a difficult word. A bit like saying women choose to become prostitutes. More like desperation and the absence of another choice. If you're hurting or experiencing trauma, lashing out at others can be a coping mechanism. As we grow older we learn this isn't OK.

All teenagers lack empathy.

People change literally throughout their entire lives.

Sure hold onto your bitterness if you want to, but you could be wrong.

A girl who tried to bully me as an adult has just "qualified" as some sort of woo crystal holistic healer. She was one horrible vicious little bitch, and this was only about 6/7 years ago, so she was in her 30s, not a kid. Before we married me and my husband were on off/ FWB for a while, and she came on to him at a party. He wasn't interested and told her he had a "thing" with me (we vaguely knew each other) and she relentlessly harassed me for months after. Phoning me all hours of day and night off different phones saying she was going to cut my throat, saying she hoped my house burnt down with me and my daughter in it, saying she was going to watch me get gang raped. Finally found out it was her after she did it at a party drunk and someone there knew me. I threatened her with the police and she never contacted me again. Now shes apparently all mystical love and healing I know people can change but I just can't see it myself. My husband is NOT that much of a catch to provoke that reaction!

I was horrible to everyone in my teens.My mum had left and my best friend died.I was hungry as my dad drank all our money and I was angry.I didn't tell anyone about my home life and would have come across as rude and self absorbed.I was horrible to one girl who kept trying to be my friend one day and her parents took her out of school.I feel awful about it now.I now work as a nurse specifically with children with mental illness and had therapy throughout my adult years.Im very good at my job.Im sure that girl would however be dismayed if she heard what I do now but I believe my experiences made me better at my job.