My childhood bully is a professional counsellor!!

[Missusblusky1]

Kind of lighthearted I guess, but I’ve just discovered through the world of Facebook that my secondary school bully who threatened to kill me for no reason is now an established counsellor / psychotherapist…. Probably the last person I would have thought who would ever help anybody!

I remember going on a trip abroad with our school and she threatened to kill me whilst out there, the teachers didn’t take it seriously and it was a horrendous experience! She was a bitchy gossip who constantly belittled others for no reason other than for entertainment. And now I see she does all sort of work for charity too. Probably the most vile human being I’ve ever met. Hope no one goes to her for help!!!!

It is worth noting that there are “bad eggs” in every profession. Here’s hoping the majority are still the “good ones”

I was mean to some girls when I was a child. All behind their back never to their face but I am deeply ashamed of it now.

I did it to feel part of the crowd. If I feel myself starting to do it now I force myself to stop. I haven’t changed, still flawed, but I grew up and understand the impact of my actions.

@Confusedandshaken or they are hiding it really really well in a professional context, so they’ve passed but you haven’t seem the evidence of their unsuitability.

Seen

Oh be kind to your bully because there must be a reason they're acting like that. Where's the telling of be kind and stop your behaviour to the bully?

Where was it said that people should be kind to people who are bullying them? What’s being said is that bullies are generally pretty messed up people.

There is a kid in DD’s class who has form for lashing out at the kids when he loses his temper. He has a really chaotic home life and is badly affected by it. DD has befriended him and he has never even come close to having a go at her. I’m happy to encourage her friendship with him but if he were bullying her it would be a different situation.

One of the worst bullies in my secondary school now works as an anti-bullying specialist in that same school. I hated her at school but she is a very different person now who is very honest and candid about how awful she was. She’s also contacted as many of the people she bullied as she can track down and apologised. People do change.
But I can understand why that’s hard for you. ♥️

@HercwasanEnemyofEducation

Perhaps she's changed.

Who knows what was going on in her life as a child for her to behave like that.

This seems to be the latest get out bollocks.

A shitty childhood doesn't mean you can't make decent choices and behave correctly.

Oh my god, this is such a simplistic view. Do you honestly believe that every action taken by every person has been an active choice?
That every person knows exactly the correct way to behave in every situation regardless of emotional state, previous trauma, etc etc and any deviation from correct behaviour is a deliberate choice?

I know a girl who was a bully at school. Truth is her parents were going through a massively acrimonious painful divorce and neglecting their kids as well. She has had huge amounts of therapy and really seems to have changed and shows a huge amount of self awareness and now works as a social worker with vulnerable young people. Personally I think her experiences make her ideal for her job.

I think a lot of people go into psychology or therapy studies to understand their own neurosis, and she might be an example of that. Part me thinks she might have changed, and part if me wonders if she has found other ways of bullying, such as those women who jump on the latest social justice movements, telling other women to 'be kind' constantly whilst failing to show any understanding or empathy themselves.

That is worrying however, people do change. I was both a bully and a victim of many bullies, I’m now working in a helping role and plan to become a psychologist. I had an awful upbringing, had no friends all my child and teen years and I just didn’t know how to be nice because nobody was nice to me. I eventually started to find myself and became more of a kind and loving person which helped attract similar people, after realising that people aren't always out to hurt me, I learned to be understanding. Perhaps your bully has also grown, I hope so or otherwise i would be concerned. Usually there is a reason for every behaviour, it’s not an excuse but it’s a reason. Perhaps nobody showed this person how to be kind as nm dad be as h we found herself.! Still doesn’t Kidd your pain any easier and you are allowed to be upset about it.

An ex friend of mine was an extremely regarded Counsellor and Clinical supervisor. She had more issues than I could count and was often extremely unpleasant but she was remarkably good at her job. She was , as a friend , self involved and famously once asked me if my marriage broke up because we had visited her recently renovated house and realised how jealous we were and that our marriage wasn't worth it .

Shockingly that was at the end if our friendship. However I had actually met her professionally and she was very good. Without outing I genuinely had reason to see some of the results of her work because of our roles and she was very good.

Personally she became a very unhappy bitter nasty person who was a snob and condescending whilst in one of the most unhealthy relationships I've ever seen. Professionally she was amazing.

And this post makes me want to apologise to the people I bullied, still no apology from the people who bullied me though. I guess I’ll have to just try and understand their own limits.

My ex was a therapist and he was a perverted narc.

They think it's easy money, and also enjoy positions of power over people and others thinking they're awesome.

He was all for charity work too (he dreamed of getting an OBE.)

@HercwasanEnemyofEducation

Perhaps she's changed.

Who knows what was going on in her life as a child for her to behave like that.

I agree with this. I'm not sure I would want to be forever judged by all my teenage behaviour

I recently encountered one of my childhood bullies. She was perfectly lovely and clearly has a totally different memory of what happened.

I mean I'm not the person I was 20 years ago, why would she be? I did some minor bad things, had a reputation as a boyfriend stealer! But am now happily married (to a woman!). That side of me has resolved

Its really interesting that people end up making bullies some sort of satanic, supervillan when equally they are kids at the time. There is every likely hood someone somewhere remembers you being horrible to them, that you are the villan in someone else's story. Bullies are someones kid, sibling, neice and friend.
There's no way that you are interacting regularly with people that were bullies.

One of my friends had a very cut and dried bullies are nasty people, never change etc thought process till her own daughter started bullying others at school. She then realised how tricky it is.

I think a lot of people's desire to become counsellors is borne of wanting to understand their own issues or after being helped themselves.

Also everyone has their own issues and biases, and therapists are a section of everyone.

[quote StayCalm99]@TableFlowerss what I'm ''on about'' is what causes people to behave badly. There are going to be reasons for that. It serves them in some way. They have an inability to experience shame? So, bingo, they deflect it outwards. It's not necessarily an excuse. It is what it is.[/quote]
Regardless of why they do it, there could be a hundred reasons, it’s terrible behaviour. Some people get a kick out of being horrid to others simply because they can.

I find it unnerving when I find out bullies have jobs where you’d hope the person is a genuinely nice person and hasn’t intentional harm to someone else

In a peverse kind of way I can see how psychotherapy would appeal to someone who got a kick out of bullying others.
Its not just the control aspect, its also that they tend to be extremely good at reading other people and working out what pushes their buttons. I can imagine they could be quite good at analysis.

I wouldn't want to receive therapy from anyone who had been a bully and not worked through their own problems, or apologised to their victims.

I had a male life coach who worked with people that had suffered DA. In our sessions he gave me an understanding of his methods of coping and gaining control. His viewpoint was I'd tried it my way and it wasn't working - so I'd be doing it his way. He'd researched my situation and came up with a plan of attack that he supported me in carrying out. It was much more forceful and well thought out than I'd have ever come up with myself. It had measurable steps and timescales.

His way had results and I've adapted his structured approach ever since. As a person he was domineering, abrupt, cold, dismissive, superior acting and overconfident. As a life coach for me and many other women he was fantastic.

A lot of his work was voluntary at a local charity. He donated a lot of time and money and built up the charity after he retired. As a person he came across as a bully but he was a bully on your side. As a child he had bullied others but was talked about as being driven, strong-willed, commanding and a born leader.

@MintyMabel

Was I supposed to change? When, why?

Only if how you were at 13 has led to problems in your adult life. As you get older, the things which are unacceptable as an adult tend to get knocked out of you.

Well my father had just died, my mother remarried within months to a man I didn't like. I suppose I have fears related to losing my dad, I have a fear of people disappearing from my life. 13 was a difficult age for me.

The responsibility for forgiveness and understanding the root cause of a bullies actions should not fall to the victims of the bullying. There may have been reasons, they may have just enjoyed the bullying - the bully has to address them but is owed nothing from the victim. They may change their behaviour but that power dynamic is something they have chosen and has partially formed who they are. I wouldn’t trust a bully in a caring role (of course in most instances you don’t know which also impacts trust).

I agree. Going through difficulties doesn't cause bullying.
A lot of us lived through difficult situations, we didnt all bully. Some bullies had loving families.

@Highlightninga

I recently encountered one of my childhood bullies. She was perfectly lovely and clearly has a totally different memory of what happened.

I mean I'm not the person I was 20 years ago, why would she be? I did some minor bad things, had a reputation as a boyfriend stealer! But am now happily married (to a woman!). That side of me has resolved

Its really interesting that people end up making bullies some sort of satanic, supervillan when equally they are kids at the time. There is every likely hood someone somewhere remembers you being horrible to them, that you are the villan in someone else's story. Bullies are someones kid, sibling, neice and friend.
There's no way that you are interacting regularly with people that were bullies.

One of my friends had a very cut and dried bullies are nasty people, never change etc thought process till her own daughter started bullying others at school. She then realised how tricky it is.

Well there's bullying and then there's bullying. My DD got very badly bullied, physically assaulted culminating in an attempted drowning, school did start to take it seriously at that point but I think that was only because a governor was the person to save her when teacher was standing watching.

I couldn't give a damn if they are lovely now, if they regret what they did, if they feel bad about it. I couldn't wish them one kind thought. It has taken my DD 20 years to be in some sort of recovery from what they did and I get the rage when I hear the "oh they must be unhappy" which is what the school told us repeatedly. I don't care how unhappy you are or if your home life is crap you have no right and no excuse for bullying others.

I do think people can change and have known one woman who worked in care who in her youth was in trouble with the law, had a mean streak. She'd been in foster care and had a terrible time, and had turned her life around. That said, it would be naive to think everyone who was once a bully and is now in a caring profession has done similar, or that the victims of these bullies owe their torturers the benefit of the doubt. People go into these roles for all sorts of reasons, sometimes twisted.