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Original poster

How do I respond to/deal with this? CF.

733 replies

PutTheCakeDOWN · 10/06/2021 09:26

Not sure where to start really!
I was going to try and be vague and not outing but I won’t be able to explain it properly. Plus I suppose if the person sees this then problem solved maybe!?

I live in an area which is very popular for winter holidays. It’s the Cairngorms.

I have three small children, a demanding job and a husband who works offshore. Our time together when he’s home is precious.

I have a slight acquaintance/friend who I know via another friend.

2.5 years ago we were introduced to this friend.
2 years ago she invited herself to stay with us in her campervan with her family - 2 teenagers and twin babies. It was 2 weeks after Christmas, they ‘love to ski and sledge’ and I’m too nice and a people pleaser.
It was one of the worst weeks ever. They completely latched onto us, migrated into the house because it was ‘too cold’ in the van (no shit!), left mess everywhere, argued constantly, kept palming the kids off onto our nanny (who is like one of the family and who is vital because of DH being offshore) and were generally just a complete nightmare. It was so stressful.

The last few weeks I’ve had hints about them coming back this Christmas. DH has 4 weeks home and I have 3 weeks off - Christmas and the two after. This time is important to us!

She has asked when we’re free. I said we’re busy. She said ‘surely not for the whole month!?’ I’ve politely said that I can’t commit to them coming as we haven’t made plans yet but don’t want to be tied down.
She said that’s fine as we won’t even know she’s there.
She said what about a weekend? I said no sorry I can’t say that far ahead.
I said I was a bit stressed and can’t start making plans now.
She said she will just keep the whole month free as they are determined to come and have been looking forward to it since last time, so when we’re not busy just to tell her and they will set off straight away.

I don’t know how to deal with this. I am stressed and exhausted with a hundred other things.

She seems nice and I would hope she just doesn’t realise how she’s behaving but I just don’t understand how/why people carry on like this??
I wouldn’t dream of inviting myself plus 4 kids to someone’s house!

Obviously I can’t just say ‘fuck off’ as that doesn’t work in real life.

Please help!

OP posts:
Hugmemum · 12/06/2021 05:21

Some people are so odd, sympathies OP

StuffinThePuffin · 12/06/2021 05:27

I know it seems to be resolved now, but I just wanted to reiterate what others have said - she is NOT nice and she is NOT your friend. She knows she was a pain in the arse last time and she knows you don't want her there again. She doesn't care about you so don't waste time stressing out over trying not to offend her.

lborgia · 12/06/2021 05:40

No reply is good, but be prepared for some kick back, somewhere along the line.

Meanwhile, not sure if anyone else posted about this, but I always think of a line in Friends, which, to paraphrase is “I’d love to, but I don’t want to”.

It’s pretty much in my head if ever faced with this sort of situation. I may actually use with with family Grin

Figgygal · 12/06/2021 06:38

Wow she is a pain isn’t she
Stop replying she will get the message …….eventually

HeidiHoNeighbour · 12/06/2021 06:45

Like I said earlier, she won’t reply because you haven’t given the right answer.

They are coming to stay with you, she has told you this. It was not a request more a stating of facts.

You need to send her another message saying “ just confirming with you that you cannot stay with us during your holiday. Please don’t embarrass yourself by assuming otherwise “

Newestname001 · 12/06/2021 07:01

@lborgia

“I'd love to, but I don’t want to”.

I've always loved this - from Phoebe. Sassy girl! 🌹

Shoxfordian · 12/06/2021 07:07

She sounds so rude
Be a broken record when she messages you and keep saying the same thing or just pull the plaster off and tell her to fuck off, you’ll definitely feel better after

MitheringSunday · 12/06/2021 07:11

@HeidiHoNeighbour

Like I said earlier, she won’t reply because you haven’t given the right answer. They are coming to stay with you, she has told you this. It was not a request more a stating of facts.

You need to send her another message saying “ just confirming with you that you cannot stay with us during your holiday. Please don’t embarrass yourself by assuming otherwise “

This. I think it's entirely possible she'll still turn up. In which case you're going to need to ask her to leave and, if she won't, call the police.

In the earlier messages she was utterly dismissing you telling her very clearly that you couldn't host. I wouldn't put it past her to not be replying so she can later claim she didn't get the message, or something.

PyjamaFan · 12/06/2021 07:28

@MitheringSunday

I think you're right. I wouldn't be at all surprised if she just turned up.

Staffroomdoughnut · 12/06/2021 08:02

Tell her this winter doesn’t work for you but you can arrange a visit in the new year at hers as it’d be nice to catch up and it’s her turn to host. You could even agree that having her to take turns with childcare would be a nice break for you. (I’ve done this before minus the childcare. No offers were forthcoming.)

Then tell her you’re not a ski resort when she tells you why she really wants to come and block her on social media for being an immature user. Try not to give a toss what she thinks. You don’t need CFs that are only an acquaintance anyway.

KaptainKaveman · 12/06/2021 08:02

Please tell us if she replies, OP!

KitKat1985 · 12/06/2021 08:36

Will be fascinated to see if she replies. It's amazing how some people just refuse to take the very obvious hints. I agree you are going to have to be blunt, borderline rude here, as she's clearly not 'getting it'.

Any replies along the lines of 'oh we won't be any trouble' from her need to be met with a reply along the lines of: 'Dear CF, I'm really trying to be polite here as I want to stay friends but it really isn't convenient for you to stay with us at Christmas or at any other time. We found it quite stressful last time you stayed and don't think it's a good idea for you to stay here again, so we would appreciate you not asking again'.

Kissthepastrychef · 12/06/2021 08:40

@PutTheCakeDOWN

On a completely different note, DH is unlikely to get his skiing holiday this year and I wondered, would a skiing holiday in the Cairngorms be as good skiing as France/Austria ?

cocoloco987 · 12/06/2021 08:55

Sorry for not updating earlier, been working all day. It’s a crap update though because…..NO reply! I’m really surprised, I thought it would all be kicking off.

I feel this is a tactic - she'll reply further down the line, a space of time suitable for her to have 'forgotten' you've said no and try again. Please update when this happens.

MrsPerfect12 · 12/06/2021 09:07

Well done OP! Hope that's the end of it for you.

SirVixofVixHall · 12/06/2021 09:10

@CormoranStrike

How about: “last time we found it stressful and invasive in to our precious family time, so we are having no guests at all this winter. Hope you find somewhere to camp up, enjoy your break.”
This.
SirVixofVixHall · 12/06/2021 09:16

I really hate people who refuse to hear a polite “no” and force you into being blunt. She is horrible OP ! What a way to behave, she hardly knows you and is trampling all over you with no care for your feelings at all, so I think you do need to simply say a very firm no, with no excuses, explanations or apologies. Any mutual friends will be well aware of how she is !

cocoloco987 · 12/06/2021 09:21

How about: “last time we found it stressful and invasive in to our precious family time, so we are having no guests at all this winter. Hope you find somewhere to camp up, enjoy your break.”*
This.*

I actually think she'd just say oh we won't be any trouble this time. We won't do that this time etc

cocoloco987 · 12/06/2021 09:23

People kept referencing the Mexican House Thief story fondly, some said maybe they recalled it was in Classics, and yet no-one seemed to know what thread it was and others were keen to read it, so I found it and I linked it

Tbf it had already been linked at least once in this thread

chaosmaker · 12/06/2021 09:36

OP I'd have gone with I don't want you here and after the last time you stayed, I don't actually like you. You are not staying here. You need to go somewhere else. Please don't contact me again. Bye.

Hard to find anywhere for her to wriggle out of that one. Also if she is being passive aggressive on FB then just unfriend. It's only online stuff. Wonder how many of the mutual friends/acquaintances have had to put up with her too?

Howshouldibehave · 12/06/2021 09:58

@Staffroomdoughnut

Tell her this winter doesn’t work for you but you can arrange a visit in the new year at hers as it’d be nice to catch up and it’s her turn to host. You could even agree that having her to take turns with childcare would be a nice break for you. (I’ve done this before minus the childcare. No offers were forthcoming.)

Then tell her you’re not a ski resort when she tells you why she really wants to come and block her on social media for being an immature user. Try not to give a toss what she thinks. You don’t need CFs that are only an acquaintance anyway.

Brilliant!
ShellieEllie · 12/06/2021 10:25

If she's just a slight acquaintance as you describe, block her and move on. Maybe she'll then take the hint!

MadeForThis · 12/06/2021 10:52

She hasn't managed to think of an excuse still to come.

Or she'll pretend she didn't get the message.

Hugmemum · 12/06/2021 10:55

What does CF mean?? Cunty Folk?

Peridot1 · 12/06/2021 10:59

@Hugmemum

What does CF mean?? Cunty Folk?
Cheeky Fucker
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