How do I respond to/deal with this? CF.

[PutTheCakeDOWN]

Not sure where to start really!
I was going to try and be vague and not outing but I won’t be able to explain it properly. Plus I suppose if the person sees this then problem solved maybe!?

I live in an area which is very popular for winter holidays. It’s the Cairngorms.

I have three small children, a demanding job and a husband who works offshore. Our time together when he’s home is precious.

I have a slight acquaintance/friend who I know via another friend.

2.5 years ago we were introduced to this friend.
2 years ago she invited herself to stay with us in her campervan with her family - 2 teenagers and twin babies. It was 2 weeks after Christmas, they ‘love to ski and sledge’ and I’m too nice and a people pleaser.
It was one of the worst weeks ever. They completely latched onto us, migrated into the house because it was ‘too cold’ in the van (no shit!), left mess everywhere, argued constantly, kept palming the kids off onto our nanny (who is like one of the family and who is vital because of DH being offshore) and were generally just a complete nightmare. It was so stressful.

The last few weeks I’ve had hints about them coming back this Christmas. DH has 4 weeks home and I have 3 weeks off - Christmas and the two after. This time is important to us!

She has asked when we’re free. I said we’re busy. She said ‘surely not for the whole month!?’ I’ve politely said that I can’t commit to them coming as we haven’t made plans yet but don’t want to be tied down.
She said that’s fine as we won’t even know she’s there.
She said what about a weekend? I said no sorry I can’t say that far ahead.
I said I was a bit stressed and can’t start making plans now.
She said she will just keep the whole month free as they are determined to come and have been looking forward to it since last time, so when we’re not busy just to tell her and they will set off straight away.

I don’t know how to deal with this. I am stressed and exhausted with a hundred other things.

She seems nice and I would hope she just doesn’t realise how she’s behaving but I just don’t understand how/why people carry on like this??
I wouldn’t dream of inviting myself plus 4 kids to someone’s house!

Obviously I can’t just say ‘fuck off’ as that doesn’t work in real life.

Please help!

'Recollections may vary. It's a no from me. Best wishes.'

You said she's some kind of colleague? Someone you might have occasion to deal with on a professional basis? Do you have a work fb page? If, so put up a status saying something like "For info: we cannot accommodate extra visitors at Christmas. Please don't ask as I don't want to be rude!".

Tell her that instead of her coming to stay with you...you and the family are gonna stay with her and don't take no for an answer!!

@PutTheCakeDOWN please update us!!

Oh wow, what an awful woman! Expecting to use your house, facilities and childcare for free without being invited.

Please let us know how it pans out.

@MolyHolyGuacamole

'Recollections may vary. It's a no from me. Best wishes.'

winner!

Another one:

"Our wonderful nanny would resign if you visited again"

You can't be subtle or get around it with anything other than straight up honesty with people like her.

"Unfortunately it doesn't work for us to have you to stay, but hope you have a lovely Christmas."

Oh but we won't be any trouble!

"As I said it doesn't work for us."

But why?! We won't get in the way.

"It doesn't work for us, I've made that clear so please respect it."

But I don't understand why? We just want to visit you!

"It doesn't work for us, it's uncomfortable to keep repeating myself so I need you to respect what I'm saying"

Repeat until you realise she's not a good friend to keep pushing you, and you no longer feel compelled to justify yourself! You've said no. To any adult that should be an answer that is understood and respected.

Try the above technique, it can be a godsend.

Do not justify with reasons - anything you say won't be reason enough for her.

@Ohdeariedear

OP, I am in your vicinity. Can you come up with something along the lines of your neighbours would have a problem with people essentially wild camping on your drive given all the incidences and concerns around wild camping/anti social behaviour in the wider area. It’s a bit of a stretch but worth a try!

Alternatively, I’d probably just go for ‘sorry, that’s not going to be possible anymore but here are the campsites that are open at that time of year.’

but do you want to indicate that you'd like them to be near you? because that's what the campsite list does.....then they turn up at your door saying oh couldn't stay at campsite because (insert lame excuse here) and you are stuffed again.

OP Come back and tell us what you said.
So many great ideas on this thread - I am going to save them down and hope a string of CFs try something on

Seeing as the OP hasn't been back doesn't anyone think maybe - just maybe - this is all a load of crap!

Op said pages ago she'd sent a message along the lines suggested by @PeterPomegranate / very early pp.

@osbertthesyrianhamster

Mexican House Thief isn't even an isolated incident on here, either. There have been legion of such.

One poster was on one of the Channel Islands and had a 'friend' who consistently invited herself and her husband and daughter over, took the piss and then invited herself back. She guilt-tripped the OP about not having a 'holiday', got her to pay their ferry fees and then, on the last go-round before the OP finally woke up, the OP caught the teen daughter WEARING a gold bracelet of the OP's that the OP's mother had given her on the way to the ferry back! The girl had dug in the OP's room and poached a piece of jewellery! When the OP demanded it back, she and the mother had the nerve to get offended.

She got the bracelet back, reader.

I remember that thread!

Unbelievable CFery of Olympic standards.

I can't rest this weekend until the OP comes back.

I think off all everything she said to you in her messages, that 'what, you're busy all month?' is the one that gives me the rage.

How DARE you want to have some down time in a month?

I hate when people assume that just because you are free, you are available. No. Having no plans is a plan for me, I love just being by myself and having nothing to rush around to do.

And I've learned over the years to state that as well, no excuses because I don't need to feel guilty about not wanting to do anything.

So I've gone from saying 'sorry I can't do the overtime, I have prior commitments' to 'no, I'm not available for overtime, my free time is precious to me, and the pay is shit not worth it' 🤷🏽‍♀️

OP - please share an update! I'm invested now to see which approach you took and how it was taken

I love the Cairgorms can I come?

What's this woman like to work with, I wonder? I'll bet her behaviour is well known in her department and she's given a wide berth by her colleagues. I think you should also have a chat with the person who introduced you to see how she deals with her.

@ginghamtablecloths

What's this woman like to work with, I wonder? I'll bet her behaviour is well known in her department and she's given a wide berth by her colleagues. I think you should also have a chat with the person who introduced you to see how she deals with her.

I also wonder what the OP is like to work with

She is a sort of person that doesn't really take no for an answer and is definitely a CF so you may say it's definite no as you want family time and who can possibly blame you,sure even when all my family go on holidays together every family gets their own place for comfort ,its pure stingy otherwise unless agreed to share before hand.I think she's rather mean to be honest and knows right well what she's doing

This is cheeky fucker to the max!!

Please keep us in the loop!!

@HotChoc10

I love the Cairgorms can I come?

I do too. Let's all go!

Waiting for @PutTheCakeDOWN to let us know what response she got from her msg!

It's best not to tell white lies in a situation like this such as your 'having work done on the house' or 'not having any guests for a while' etc. As you will probably be caught out in your lie and also, it will be even harder to turn her away when the 'lie' expires. (Eg when the fictitious renovations have been completed etc.)

People like are pushy because they are used to being told No, repeatedly (and repeatedly ignoring it). You need to handle her with the same amount of force she's handling you with. Your normal polite responses aren't going to work with her.

Once you've delivered your final response (If she tries again) I'd just ignore her messages for a good while.

Everybody seems far more invested in this than the actual OP !