How do I respond to/deal with this? CF.

[PutTheCakeDOWN]

Not sure where to start really!
I was going to try and be vague and not outing but I won’t be able to explain it properly. Plus I suppose if the person sees this then problem solved maybe!?

I live in an area which is very popular for winter holidays. It’s the Cairngorms.

I have three small children, a demanding job and a husband who works offshore. Our time together when he’s home is precious.

I have a slight acquaintance/friend who I know via another friend.

2.5 years ago we were introduced to this friend.
2 years ago she invited herself to stay with us in her campervan with her family - 2 teenagers and twin babies. It was 2 weeks after Christmas, they ‘love to ski and sledge’ and I’m too nice and a people pleaser.
It was one of the worst weeks ever. They completely latched onto us, migrated into the house because it was ‘too cold’ in the van (no shit!), left mess everywhere, argued constantly, kept palming the kids off onto our nanny (who is like one of the family and who is vital because of DH being offshore) and were generally just a complete nightmare. It was so stressful.

The last few weeks I’ve had hints about them coming back this Christmas. DH has 4 weeks home and I have 3 weeks off - Christmas and the two after. This time is important to us!

She has asked when we’re free. I said we’re busy. She said ‘surely not for the whole month!?’ I’ve politely said that I can’t commit to them coming as we haven’t made plans yet but don’t want to be tied down.
She said that’s fine as we won’t even know she’s there.
She said what about a weekend? I said no sorry I can’t say that far ahead.
I said I was a bit stressed and can’t start making plans now.
She said she will just keep the whole month free as they are determined to come and have been looking forward to it since last time, so when we’re not busy just to tell her and they will set off straight away.

I don’t know how to deal with this. I am stressed and exhausted with a hundred other things.

She seems nice and I would hope she just doesn’t realise how she’s behaving but I just don’t understand how/why people carry on like this??
I wouldn’t dream of inviting myself plus 4 kids to someone’s house!

Obviously I can’t just say ‘fuck off’ as that doesn’t work in real life.

Please help!

Don't explain it makes you looks submissive, just saying 'Nah, feck orf!!!'

"So sorry, we've just decided to move ASAP, far too many cheeky fucker acquaintances kept inviting themselves and their families to stay at ours for cheap holidays, hope you find someone else to impose yourselves on. Have a lovely Christmas "

There you go OP

"I can see you enjoyed your last visit"
But it was a bloody nightmare for us and we won't be hosting you again-
Ever.

If you need some help saying or sticking to your "no", maybe ask yourself:

• How did CF thank you for staying last time, if at all (or beyond just verbally)? Doesn't sound like there was much helping out or any contribution to extra costs (food, nanny?,...), but I wouldn't be surprised if there wasn't much of a (or any) thank-you gift or lovely note afterwards either? And clearly little understanding of/empathy for the disruption it caused you.

• What/how much contact have you had from her in the last 2 years since they stayed before? (I bet not much, until they started fancying a holiday again!).

• Have they ever tried to reciprocate in any even vaguely equivalent way?

I don't think she is really a "friend" at all, but a chancer who is prepared to steamroller any polite excuse you give her to get what she wants. So rather than reasons why, she just needs a "no" (which you can word however you want, as long as it doesn't include any explanations, which she'll then try to navigate around!).

Posting for the update. Can't see her getting the message that easily

Oh, no way! I’m glad you sent a message

OP hasn't pusted for 15 pages

But really she needs to woman up and get comfortable with what she perceives as being rude. The woman has done unspeakably rude things to her like turning up and moving and using her nanny at Christmas and our OP is worried about appearing to be rude in a text message?

• Unfollow her on facebook, then you won't need to be treated to the attention seeking status update. Or even better once she has posted hers post your own about CFers

• Say No. No fannying around, just No. If she pushes for a reason, be rude and be as honest as you like. "Because you were very rude last time." "Because I don't want you to come and stay" "Because I only want the visitors who I invite, not the CFers who invite themselves."

• Any bitching or whinging about her childcare, thoroughly ignore. Her children, her problem.

Message back along the lines of

We have so many family commitments due to Covid that this year just isn't possible.

Hope you find something else alternative etc etc.

Any update op?

I have twins, even with my DH being around we chose not to have holidays until they were about 6 as it was too much hassle. I imagine her teenagers are wanting the holiday though (and maybe the twins' dad isn't their dad?) hence why she is trying to do something for them?

Must be a nightmare for her and a sad situation all round, but NOT your problem! Can't her DP look after the twins while she takes the older kids away?

Whatever - you need a very firm no. Your nanny isn't paid to look after her children. Tell her that - maybe stress that she can't due to insurance or H&S rules etc - but don't give in. What did your nanny say last time?

Anyway - you've had some good suggestions on here, please stay strong and don't feel bad! Good luck!

@PutTheCakeDOWN..tell her unfortunately you have guests
.ie all of MN and we will not abuse you! !!!!!

You need to be rude with fuckers like this

@PutTheCakeDOWN

Op I think I would spell it out. "Dear X, please don't take this personally but for a variety of family and work related reasons, you and your family coming to stay with us in your campervan this Christmas isn't convenient for us. Please find somewhere else to stay".

Ooh that’s a good one thanks!

....this winter

....this lifetime

I would struggle with this too, op, as i don't like conflict/ offending people so get where you are coming from. To me, this is about working on your boundaries and learning to use particular phrases that are assertive so she knows where she stands, ''sorry, that's not going to work for us this year'. If you want to stay friends with her, explain you need time alone with your family as your husband works away a lot.

Some people need things to be very clear. You don't need to feel guilty about stating how you feel calmly and reasonably.

New fone who dis?

Why have trouble being rude to someone so blatantly rude and insensitive themselves? Rude is clearly the only language they comprehend. The truth is, you did not enjoy their last visit, felt they were thoughtless and insensitive guests and never want them to stay again.

Looking forward to the update!

If you feel you have to say Fuck off, say it.
For the sake of your sanity.
Just say it if it is the only thing that will work.

Log store CF story:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/property/4237736-neighbour-misusing-access-pathway-what-to-do

Just tell her that she and her family were complete nightmares when they stayed and she is not welcome. There is no coming back from that.

Even this has a get out clause. She'll say she'll be different next time. I initially liked the option of blaming DH but then I suspect she'll then invite herself when he's away instead. It's going to be a case of saying 'sorry it's just not possible for many reasons that I'm not going to go in to' and repeat. Every reason has a way around it with this woman I feel!

So she said she can handle the twins but she can't camp somewhere else cause she can't handle the kids... riiiiiight.

Tell her to fuck off.

The message needs to be blunt.

Hi
You are not welcome at Christmas, or any other time.
Stop asking.

Clear and simple

OP, I am in your vicinity. Can you come up with something along the lines of your neighbours would have a problem with people essentially wild camping on your drive given all the incidences and concerns around wild camping/anti social behaviour in the wider area. It’s a bit of a stretch but worth a try!

Alternatively, I’d probably just go for ‘sorry, that’s not going to be possible anymore but here are the campsites that are open at that time of year.’

She won’t stay anywhere else as she needs help with the kids

So, she is after some free childcare.
Why can't her teenagers help with the twins?