Threads you can tell the answer to before opening

[Lumene]

What are the common mumsnet threads with questions you can tell the answer to without having to open them, at least 99% of the time.

I’ll start:

Q: I’m in a new relationship, is this a red flag?
A: Yes.

Q: DD (13) was given a detention today for forgetting her protractor. She's in bits. AIBU to complain to her teacher? This is surely unfair?

A1: YANBU, this is disgusting. Governors, then OFSTED. Then police if you don't get anywhere. Might be worth installing a ring doorbell.
A2: Jesus, is it so hard to turn up with the correct equipment? YABU.
A3: No protractor? If one of mine was disregarding school rules so flagrantly I'd be having a good look at my parenting tbh.
A4: In bits? If one of mine was so lacking in resilience I'd be having a good look at my parenting tbh.
A5: Not to worry you but my DS was diagnosed ASD aged 3, and forgetting his geometry set was one of the first signs.
A6: Wow do they still use protractors? Remembering happy times borrowing one from a classmate in the 80s
A7: Some families wouldn't be able to afford a protractor, what happens to those poor kids??
A8: Have you researched county lines OP, they prey on kids like your DD.
A9: If teachers had been prioritised for vaccination this probably wouldn't have happened. Gavin Williamson is such a twat.
A10: I bet Meghan bloody Markle doesn't even know what a protractor is.
A11: Is this private or state, OP?
A12: Can I just say thank you to all teachers for what you do.

excellent!

AIBU for treating my PFB and DSS differently... DH says I should be breastfeeding DSS aged 7 as he doesn't want to feel left out when I BF my 2week old?

A1 DSS is your son too - you have to treat them the same
A2 where is DH - why is he not BFeeding both of them?
A3 you knew your DH had a son when you married him
A4 I bfed my 4 children and DHs 10 children simultaneously without any problem - gets grip woman
A5 LTB
A6 why are you all piling on OP, she's a new mother
A7 just bottle feed them both to keep the peace

Q. Which wallpaper?

A. Carrie - is that you?

@MournfulTromboneNoise

Q: How often do you wash your sheets? A: Every 45 minutes.

I mean I guess that's OK if you haven't actually sat on the bed, but if the sheets have had contact with a human body I'd really like to wash them after 30 tops.

@Bovrilly

Q: DD (13) was given a detention today for forgetting her protractor. She's in bits. AIBU to complain to her teacher? This is surely unfair?

A1: YANBU, this is disgusting. Governors, then OFSTED. Then police if you don't get anywhere. Might be worth installing a ring doorbell.
A2: Jesus, is it so hard to turn up with the correct equipment? YABU.
A3: No protractor? If one of mine was disregarding school rules so flagrantly I'd be having a good look at my parenting tbh.
A4: In bits? If one of mine was so lacking in resilience I'd be having a good look at my parenting tbh.
A5: Not to worry you but my DS was diagnosed ASD aged 3, and forgetting his geometry set was one of the first signs.
A6: Wow do they still use protractors? Remembering happy times borrowing one from a classmate in the 80s
A7: Some families wouldn't be able to afford a protractor, what happens to those poor kids??
A8: Have you researched county lines OP, they prey on kids like your DD.
A9: If teachers had been prioritised for vaccination this probably wouldn't have happened. Gavin Williamson is such a twat.
A10: I bet Meghan bloody Markle doesn't even know what a protractor is.
A11: Is this private or state, OP?
A12: Can I just say thank you to all teachers for what you do.

This is really good!

@ViciousJackdaw

Q - I'm a single parent on minimum wage and need a couple of new dresses. Must be budget friendly.

A - Try Rixo or Hush

Q - MIL has slagged me off to her friends, committed atrocities in the Middle East and eats fried gerbils.
A - You don't like her much, do you?

@ViciousJackdaw 🤣

Q: I have very noisy neighbours. Take yesterday for example: pneumatic drill started at 8am, followed by a lot of hammering. None of them can talk to each other quietly , constant screaming. Then guests arrived, drunken cackling and karaoke all afternoon. Seems the banging was building a stage, as a rock band arrived and played until 4am this morning.
AIBU to think they should show some respect to their neighbours?

A: YABVU. If you don’t like living amongst people, go and live halfway up a mountain.

Q. Can I leave my washing out overnight?
A. Darker on, spider willies hee hee hee
Gin hee hee

Darked on

@OpalBerry

Q. Can I leave my washing out overnight? A. Darker on, spider willies hee hee hee Gin hee hee

Dont spiders have willies (and eggs) indoors too?

Q: Anything about weight.
Poster 1: I look dangerously emaciated at anything under 200lbs.
Poster 2: We've lost sight of what normal weight looks like.

Q: Poster happens to mention they're a size 8-12.
Poster 1: Ooooh we've got a teeny tiny, are you about to tell us you eat a single cucumber slice once a week hahahahahaha I'm so hilarious.
Poster 2: I only eat half a cucumber slice once a week hahahahahaha I'm even more hilarious!
Poster 3: I only eat fresh air OMG I'm the most original comedy genius to ever live.
Poster 4: VANITY SIZING you're really a size 18, OP.

• MournfulTromboneNoise Q: How often do you wash your sheets? A: Every 45 minutes. I mean I guess that's OK if you haven't actually sat on the bed, but if the sheets have had contact with a human body I'd really like to wash them after 30 tops.*

Think of the environment, I wash them once a month in the summer and every 2 months in the winter.

Q: Am I in the wrong?

A: No. LTB.

Q. anything

A15. something moral
...
A17. -- * This.

cateycloggs
Probably, but the joke's hilarious no matter how many times it gets repeated on every washing thread apparently

These get better and better -sheer genius!!!!

@Bovrilly

Q: DD (13) was given a detention today for forgetting her protractor. She's in bits. AIBU to complain to her teacher? This is surely unfair?

A1: YANBU, this is disgusting. Governors, then OFSTED. Then police if you don't get anywhere. Might be worth installing a ring doorbell.
A2: Jesus, is it so hard to turn up with the correct equipment? YABU.
A3: No protractor? If one of mine was disregarding school rules so flagrantly I'd be having a good look at my parenting tbh.
A4: In bits? If one of mine was so lacking in resilience I'd be having a good look at my parenting tbh.
A5: Not to worry you but my DS was diagnosed ASD aged 3, and forgetting his geometry set was one of the first signs.
A6: Wow do they still use protractors? Remembering happy times borrowing one from a classmate in the 80s
A7: Some families wouldn't be able to afford a protractor, what happens to those poor kids??
A8: Have you researched county lines OP, they prey on kids like your DD.
A9: If teachers had been prioritised for vaccination this probably wouldn't have happened. Gavin Williamson is such a twat.
A10: I bet Meghan bloody Markle doesn't even know what a protractor is.
A11: Is this private or state, OP?
A12: Can I just say thank you to all teachers for what you do.

Brilliant 👏👏👏

@Idroppedthescrewinthetuna

* MournfulTromboneNoise Q: How often do you wash your sheets? A: Every 45 minutes. I mean I guess that's OK if you haven't actually sat on the bed, but if the sheets have had contact with a human body I'd really like to wash them after 30 tops.*

Think of the environment, I wash them once a month in the summer and every 2 months in the winter.

Surely my obsession with germs is more important than the environment? and makes me a better person than you

Surely you realise humans have no kind of immune system or protection, so we must wash our clothes the moment they're worn, 60° min. And if they have a hint of bodily fluids,they should be burned...and wash our bedding daily (90° obvs, witha litre of disinfectant in the drum as well), and shower at least twice a day, scrubbing away all those germs. (And then of course, you must bleach the shower tray, and vinegar wash the screens -making sure to use disposable cloths, because they can't go in washing machine 🤢)

Anything less is just grim.

• Surely my obsession with germs is more important than the environment? and makes me a better person than you

Surely you realise humans have no kind of immune system or protection, so we must wash our clothes the moment they're worn, 60° min. And if they have a hint of bodily fluids,they should be burned...and wash our bedding daily (90° obvs, witha litre of disinfectant in the drum as well), and shower at least twice a day, scrubbing away all those germs. (And then of course, you must bleach the shower tray, and vinegar wash the screens -making sure to use disposable cloths, because they can't go in washing machine 🤢)

Anything less is just grim.*

Stopped reading at bleach. YABVU. My first

Q: is it ok for my 5 to and 8 yo to walk 15 min to school every day. They are very sensible

A: they're a bit young
A2 : no
A3: could they go to a breakfast club or walk with someone else
A4 : in < insert country> it is very common for children to walk 6 miles /travel 45 min on public transport at the age of 4
A5: I used to walk 8 miles to school at that age
A6: no they will be abducted, you will need to drop them at the gate until they are 18
A7: no

1
Q- My DH said shut up to our cat. Is it a male thing?
A - Of course, it's a male thing. Every male right from infanthood is biologically wired to say shut up to cats.

2
Q - My DP snapped and farted. Not sure what to make of it.
A - Oh it's a man thing. They always snap and fast. I know one man who's also done it never mind the other 99 men I know who haven't so I can tell you it's a man thing.

Then
1
Q - My wife said shut up our cat. Is it a female thing?
A1 - Are you on glue?
A2 - How dare you call us females?
A3 - Women aren't a monolith you dimwit!
A4 - Poor wife. She should leave you, the bastard, for daring to talk about her on a chat forum...
A5 - ...and take the cat with her. I'm very sure you made her angry with the cat.

A6 - 1000 - Mumsnet pile on.

2
Q - My girlfriend snapped and farted. I don't know what to make of this.
A1 - What do you mean?
A2 -
A3 - Are you trying to say women snap and fart then?
A4 - What do you want us to do? We're not a monolith. Talk to your girlfriend you knob!

A5 - 1000 - Mumsnet pile on.

Any black person: Racism is bad.

Response: Virtue signalling woke American critical race theory nonsense racism doesn't exist what about anti-white racism!!

Q - white privilege
A1 - what about white working class, where's their privilege? It's not all white people, you know.
OP- But...
A2 - stop playing the race card.

Another thread
Q - male privilege
A1 - what about working class male, where's their privilege?
A2 - ffs, not the "not all men" brigade again!
A3 - fuck men!
OP- handmaidens are here to save the men!

Q: innocent post about something funny/amusing/odd/strange that happened

A1: what are getting worked up about?!
A2: yeah, that's unusual
A3: armchair detective
A4: no, you are the strange one
A5: if that's your biggest problem...
A6: OP you forgot to add "lighthearted" to title. that's what triggers sense of humour