I think I’ve been awful to him haven’t I?

[Lollipu]

I fell out with DP last night because he always hesitates about when we will next see each other. He likes to think things over and is a careful and considered sort of man. He’s so lovely. I feel like I’ve ruined the relationship. I asked if I could come over on Wednesday and he was vague and said he needed to check and I just went mad. Said it was unfair, did he want a real relationship, how could he not want to organise this and how could he not know yet if he wanted to do that, said I needed to organise my week too.

I was unfair and I feel terrible. I’m worried it’s over.

Is this the first time you have reacted to him like this and do you have any anger management issues?

Or is not sure that he can meet you because he might be seeing someone else and deep down you feel this?

How long have you been together?

What was it that he needed to 'check' ?

I take it this happens regularly?

How long have you been together op?

I think if things are going well with a partner, you fit things around them and should prioritise them but it depends on other things too, such as how long you've been together and if there's children involved.

If it's early days in the relationship and he has a hectic work/life schedule which he would reasonably be unable to remember, then yes, you are being unreasonable.
If he has a 9-5 job and no other commitments, he could reasonably be expected to remember if he's arranged anything else within the next week, so it is a bit odd if he hesitates. Depends how long you've been seeing each other though.

The only thing I'm thinking is, is he an introvert? He might find he needs sufficient 'downtime' between meetings, in order to properly enjoy the time he spends with you. Does he just want to retain some control over his social life in order to manage this? So his stock response to any social request from anyone has become 'I'll check and let you know?' If that's the case, maybe put up with it for a bit if the relationship is new. If it isn't new, he maybe needs to start making you an exception to this stock response. In return, you could reassure him that if he has agreed to meet you, and then finds he is feeling particularly 'introverty', you understand him wanting to change plans?

We have been seeing each other 10 months nearly. We’ve seen each other weekly since the day we met and also in the last few months been spending time together in the week. But every time it comes up to the next arrangement he is vague. In fairness if I leave it completely after a few days he would ask if I wanted to meet at the weekend. But if I say shall I see you on x date while with him, he doesn’t re assume me he wants to see me he just goes vague and looks into space and says he needs to check.

What’s upset me is that when I address it with him he burst into tears and said of course he wants to see me he’s just trying to work out fitting things in. I’ve said im happy to just come over and fall asleep at say 10pm and he says yes that’s good too but he still needs to check?! I’m then left thinking check what?! It’s an arrangement at 10pm?!

It’s my fault though as I know he cares so I shouldn’t have lost my cool. He hasn’t spoken to me all day :(

@FeistySheep I’ve said repeatedly it’s fine to change plans but I would rather we made them and hoped for the best than had a vague few days not knowing when we will next meet

I don't think you were unreasonable OP but I also doubt he will change.

@LaBellina don’t think he’s seeing anyone else at all. I don’t have anger problems but I can have an argument at the drop of a hat when I feel annoyed. I don’t get angry though, just argumentative and I am quite good at putting myself across eloquently and making my points hammered home (I’m not proud of this, it’s a horrible trait)

You should have probably tried to approach this calmly with him previously rather than letting it all build up then exploding. You are not unreasonable for wanting some commitment from him, but YABU for the way you approached it.

I couldn't be arsed with a man who needed a few days to think about even a minor meet up. Do you really want to drag him into a relationship? He sounds wet. Crying because you asked him if he was bothered about seeing you? No thanks

@FrenchieFromGrease I know I’m so annoyed I let myself get upset. I was giving it all this ‘do you want an adult relationship or not’ and ‘I’m not going to try and coerce you to check your week to fit me in’ etc etc etc

It caused masses of upset. I’m his second relationship, his first ended age 25. We are now both 40. I wonder if he just doesn’t get it.

Everything you said was right though. Don't feel bad for telling the truth. Why should you do all the running?

He should feel bad for expecting you to keep your evenings free so you can hear his verdict about prospective dates after his Thinking Time. What did he say in his defense?

If you talk to him again you can say "I didn't approach that in a mature and calm way, but this is something that is really beginning to grate on me." Don't apologise or drop your standards! People have feelings and they're allowed to express them. Wanting to see your boyfriend without putting in an application 5 days beforehand is a normal expectation. Don't let his weird foibles rule the relationship.

@FrenchieFromGrease thanks for that wording, that makes sense, apologising for my approach to it. It was awful of me. I didn’t need to behave in that way at all. I’m so cross with myself.

I guess I keep thinking well he’s entitled to reflect on when he wants to see me? Is he? I don’t know. I’d said I can do Wednesday as it fits with my work (I have to travel to him rather than vice versa as he can’t work from home and it is a million times easier for me to just hop in the car). It annoyed me I was offering to do the 35 minute drive and he was blasé and seemingly indifferent to committing to it.

He always always says it’s because work can run over. It often does to around 8/9pm, but I’ve then said I will get there for 10pm so we can have a quick chat and go to sleep. Even that he can’t seem to commit to on the spot, it requires thinking time apparently

I don’t understand why he has to check if he can see you. What could he be doing that means he can’t see you? If there’s nothing particular, like another girlfriend or shift work etc, then he’s just not prioritising you which would be a red flag to me 10 months into a relationship. It’s hardly moving forward if you both live near each other and see each other once or twice a week at the age of 40. Maybe he just wants to keep it fairly casual and cool but most people would want a bit more by now I would say

He sounds like someone who likes his space when he is tired. I am a bit like that, too. He may just be trying to decide if he feels up to company. I know I sometimes feel irritable if I'm not in the mood for people

There was a thread on MN recently about partners on the spectrum and this very issue came up again and again. Is there any chance that's the case for him?

OP, people get frustrated or upset and argue sometimes in relationships, which is exactly what you did. People are not always articulate or measured.

You should apoligise for the delivery, but not the essence of what you said. If he can't accept that then I really do wonder whether he is up to an adult relationship. From what you've said, i don't think you were wrong.

You are shouting. He is bursting into tears.

Aye. Not working.

It shouldn’t be about the drama.

apologise!

@Whosaidit yes that’s exactly how it feels but he assures me regularly and in other ways that he doesn’t see it as casual. I’m as certain as can be that he’s not seeing anyone else. It’s just so hurtful but then again maybe I’m being hugely childish. My reaction certainly was.

@HollowTalk I don’t think so? Is that a trait of being on the spectrum?!

@Cam2020 I said

I was happy to drive over when he finished work and after dinner and just go to bed
I was happy to drive over and plan to have dinner and if it changed (he ended up working late) then I would call in and see a friend until he was done
I was happy to pencil it in and if something came up we could move it

I explained that I was making the effort so that we could maintain a relationship during the week, which is what most adult relationships are like

I explained that I didn’t want to see him at weekends only, as that’s not real life

I said I didn’t mind him checking if he felt the need to do that, but said please do it there and then rather than leaving it open ended as I have my own week to consider too

I said if you just aren’t bothered about week time meet ups then now is the time to say - he said he was he just had to think about it

I said how do you think your friends manage with partners who live together, and that sometimes life is messy and chaotic but you don’t just keep somewhere you’re in a relationship with at bay until you have a free window to see them...unless you’re very casual or FWB.

I have tried really hard to be understanding and reasonable. I wish I hadn’t also been a bitch in the way I spoke to him. I’d just had enough of the vagueness and not being sure what I was doing

It sounds exhausting, especially after 10 months! What do you want out of this relationship? He seems utterly inflexible

@showmethegin I know it sounds awful from this post but other than this we have an amazing time. It’s actually the only thing that causes conflict