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Original poster

I think I’ve been awful to him haven’t I?

157 replies

Lollipu · 07/06/2021 14:00

I fell out with DP last night because he always hesitates about when we will next see each other. He likes to think things over and is a careful and considered sort of man. He’s so lovely. I feel like I’ve ruined the relationship. I asked if I could come over on Wednesday and he was vague and said he needed to check and I just went mad. Said it was unfair, did he want a real relationship, how could he not want to organise this and how could he not know yet if he wanted to do that, said I needed to organise my week too.

I was unfair and I feel terrible. I’m worried it’s over.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lollipu · 07/06/2021 17:58

@Nicolastuffedone he’s had situations with people but no formal relationship no.

OP posts:
LivingInThe80s · 07/06/2021 17:58

I don't know how to word this, but are you sure you're the only one he is in a relationship with? I mean, he needs to be the one to make all the decisions when you meet etc, it's like it's all on his terms. It just seems suss.

Original poster
Lollipu · 07/06/2021 17:59

@LivingInThe80s no I’m certain as can be that there’s nobody else. He’s just an unusual character. Ive honestly had enough now though. I give up.

OP posts:

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Relationship problems
squiglet111 · 07/06/2021 18:00

I don't think you were wrong to get upset. Sounds like you got to the end of your tether.

If you want to stay in the relationship, maybe just step back and make your plans with friends and don't wait around for him. Sounds like you see each other on weekends, maybe stick with that arrangement and let him plan to see you if he wants to see you more. I realise you wanted to move forward, but maybe he isn't ready. I am thinking he could be on the spectrum? Struggles to move away from a routine etc. If he's 40 and has always been like this, maybe it's just the way he is and he's set in his ways? Maybe he prefers his weeks to be just about work and doesn't know how to break from that?

I think you hold back and wait for him to come to you.

Original poster
Lollipu · 07/06/2021 18:08

@squiglet111 thanks. I think it’s over really. Not even heard from him today. He could be working late but he’s not said. I’ve no idea if he’s on the spectrum, it’s never come up.

I’m just exhausted with it. I really really wanted it to work and thought this was it. Gutted really.

OP posts:
Orcadianrythyms · 07/06/2021 18:17

This is nuts @Lollipu - you've been seeing him 10 months and this is where you are in this situation. Not a real relationship and I'm always amazed when people accept this, time to move on and find a proper connection.

Original poster
Lollipu · 07/06/2021 18:18

@Orcadianrythyms we did have a proper connection though. That’s why it’s shit. I knew he hadn’t had much experience of relationships but thought he’d get used to jt

OP posts:
Templetreebloom · 07/06/2021 18:18

thebeesknees123

He sounds like someone who likes his space when he is tired. I am a bit like that, too. He may just be trying to decide if he feels up to company. I know I sometimes feel irritable if I'm not in the mood for people

That’s what I thought. He’s got a stressful job with long, unpredictable hours. He doesn’t know how he’s going to feel at 10pm a week from now, I wouldn’t want visitors then. I wonder if he’s got a touch of anxiety as well. I hate planning things ahead incase I have a really bad day and I really don’t feel up to seeing anyone, it’s horrible having to let people down.

Totally agree with both the comments above and Op has only been seeing hom for nearly 10 months.
Bit of a dripfeed that his working hours are unpredictable and sometimes he finishes at 10.30pm
Honestly Op if this was reversed and you stated that a man shouted at you because you didnt want to plan to meet after a long day at work then people would be talking about pushing boundaries/ red flags.

MustardRose · 07/06/2021 18:19

[quote Lollipu]@CroneAVirusths thanks. That’s pretty much how it went! I’ve made lots of excuses and been reasonable as he gets anxious and is easily overwhelmed by arrangements. But I can’t go week to week not knowing when we are seeing each other, waiting on the go ahead, holding evenings free for when he suddenly decides it will work for him. What gets to me is that it would be me driving, me collecting food on the way (I offered).

Yes he did lots of nice things for me and with me but this has always been an issue. The other night though I just saw red and went mad. I’d also spent all of Saturday helping him tidy a garage that he’s selling. So I’m entering into things as a team and he can’t even be arsed to think about when he’s free[/quote]
The more I read of your posts, the more I too think there's a possibility that he may be somewhere on the spectrum. It's the anxiety & being overwhelmed around arranging things, and having to spend time thinking about a change of plans and how you can be fitted in that does it for me.

Chances are that his job also requires a meticulous, methodical, systematic routine approach and attention to detail which suits him.

He might also need time on his own after work to recharge his batteries, and the prospect of losing that time is hard for him to handle.

Original poster
Lollipu · 07/06/2021 18:20

@Templetreebloom it’s not just week days though. It’s any arrangement. All weekend arrangements are like this, the difference is that I know we will definitely see each other because it’s the weekend. The exact plans though are never discussed or agreed until Thursday or Friday.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lollipu · 07/06/2021 18:21

@MustardRose yeah maybe I hadn’t thought of that. I think it’s over though. I’m too tried and old for all this.

OP posts:
dodobookends · 07/06/2021 18:23

I've no idea if he's on the spectrum, it's never come up

Many people don't actually know themselves, especially if they cope fine with most things in life. It doesn't occur to them to even consider the possibility.

EKGEMS · 07/06/2021 18:30

I have been married almost 30 years and I can count on one hand the times my husband has cried-if a man I was dating cried because I raised my voice and demanded to be a priority I think I would run away. He's got a very important job like you described and you made him cry? I'd be worried about his mental health! It seems the relationship is all on his terms.

Templetreebloom · 07/06/2021 18:33

[quote Lollipu]@Templetreebloom it’s not just week days though. It’s any arrangement. All weekend arrangements are like this, the difference is that I know we will definitely see each other because it’s the weekend. The exact plans though are never discussed or agreed until Thursday or Friday.[/quote]
Well Im not on the spectrum and quite honestly you sound exhausting.
You know you will see him over the weekend, check weather, make a plan on thurs/ fri.
I dont see what the issue is?
You sound quite controlling and have to have everything your way, he sounds uncomfortable with that but eventually you made him cry?

Aspiringmatriarch · 07/06/2021 18:33

I know it's impossible to diagnose strangers over the internet, but I have to say he sounds so like me ex partner who is a lovely person but very much on the spectrum. He'd react just like this to things and it was difficult at times. If you want it to work, I think you need to not take stuff like this personally and avoid stressing him out, but also be really clear and specific about what you need from him.

BillyIsMyBunny · 07/06/2021 18:36

Are you always available for his last minute plans? If you do stay with him I would start making plans with other people and stop keeping evenings/ weekends free and when he tries to arrange something day that you’re sorry but you’re busy, can you make a date for next week instead? If he’s serious about the relationship then when he realised he can’t just expect you to drop everything last minute he should want to make plans in advance and, if he doesn’t, it sounds like he’s not worth investing any more time in.

Aspiringmatriarch · 07/06/2021 18:36

Oh, and be prepared for him to need time to process things, especially changes.

Suprima · 07/06/2021 18:40

Ignore anyone saying that you are being controlling. You deserve to feel like a priority in your boyfriend’s life, he isn’t making you one.

Sending hugs. It is shit.

All I can do is echo other posters saying to keep yourself busy and when he eventually does text, dumbfox him. “Oh, Thursday? You said you needed to check but you didn’t get back to me so I assumed you were so busy with work. I’m on a girl’s night then 😇’

CroneAVirus · 07/06/2021 18:42

He might also need time on his own after work to recharge his batteries, and the prospect of losing that time is hard for him to handle

So what though? The net, detrimental effect on OP is still the same.

She wants more than he’s able to offer, not to be given reasons and excuses why she should lower her bar to meet his level.

MustardRose · 07/06/2021 18:42

[quote Lollipu]@MustardRose yeah maybe I hadn’t thought of that. I think it’s over though. I’m too tried and old for all this.[/quote]
Fair enough, if he's not for you, he's not for you.

It's not easy having a relationship with someone on the spectrum, as my DH will tell you. I think I can be quite challenging at times.

ChangePart1 · 07/06/2021 18:44

He sounds really lukewarm about you tbh.

Is he ever clamouring to pin you down on a date so he knows when he gets to see you again? Plans dates? Takes you out? Suggests plans in the future?

Where do you actually see this going? Do you want marriage, cohabitation, kids with this guy?

Sounds like he’s happy enough to see you casually when it suits but he isn’t head over heels for you at all.

AbsolutelyPatsy · 07/06/2021 18:46

i had a boyfriend who was less keen than me, never forgotten that episode, not good op

showmethegin · 07/06/2021 18:46

I'm sorry that you feel sad, but you deserve to be someone's priority. I used to think the goal of dating was just to find someone you get on with and can have a laugh with but it isn't just that, it's finding out if you have similar values and understand it each other, and it sounds like that's what has happened. You want someone to value your time and be more proactive in arranging time together

Templetreebloom · 07/06/2021 18:46

Ignore anyone saying that you are being controlling. You deserve to feel like a priority in your boyfriend’s life, he isn’t making you one.

Did you miss the bit where he has to work some evenings until 10.30pm? not unreasonable at all to not want to make plans but Op insists and is raging angry Confused
Reverse -if she was a man, everyone would be up in arms.
Op you said yourself that you have been awful to him.

ChangePart1 · 07/06/2021 18:49

And goodness me, if you do keep seeing him don’t accept these 10pm hangouts ever again. Value yourself and your time!

When I started dating my ex I was working 80hr weeks, across seven days. Still made it a priority to plan things in advance and see each other. When you’re really into someone it isn’t a huge onerous chore you have to weigh up! I’m a very organised person and have to check I’m free before arranging to see someone so I use a diary and check it when I’m invited somewhere and let them know straight away. I also find the times when I know I’m free and organise things with people. I respect their time.

When I started seeing DH he was a busy final year medical student and then doctor. Still planned dates, took me out and made me a priority. People do what they want to do. He’s not fussed about you imo.