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Original poster

I think I’ve been awful to him haven’t I?

157 replies

Lollipu · 07/06/2021 14:00

I fell out with DP last night because he always hesitates about when we will next see each other. He likes to think things over and is a careful and considered sort of man. He’s so lovely. I feel like I’ve ruined the relationship. I asked if I could come over on Wednesday and he was vague and said he needed to check and I just went mad. Said it was unfair, did he want a real relationship, how could he not want to organise this and how could he not know yet if he wanted to do that, said I needed to organise my week too.

I was unfair and I feel terrible. I’m worried it’s over.

OP posts:

lakesummer · 07/06/2021 15:22

I agree that you should apologize for the shouty delivery of the message but not the message itself.

If you are both 40, there are no dc to fit round and you have been dating for 10 months it is quite ridiculous that your bloke can't arrange when he is going to see you again.

He seems to bring a fair amount of drama that I wouldn't have the patience for in real life. Where does he see this relationship going?

VettiyaIruken · 07/06/2021 15:22

What does he need to check? Is he very busy with lots of appointments and he doesn't keep them on his phone or something?

Original poster

Lollipu · 07/06/2021 15:24

@lakesummer he says he wants something serious, but his last relationship ended 15 years ago so I wonder what his definition of serious is.

He’s great in loads of ways, I love being with him. But this hurts me over and over. Before I suggested Wednesday, we were lying in bed and I had to brace myself for his response because it’s always the same... I need to check, I need to see what’s happening that day. To which I say I will come over at 10pm then that should work and we spend the night together...he says he thinks so... I get cross, or as I did last night, when mad over it

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Original poster

Lollipu · 07/06/2021 15:26

@VettiyaIruken he says he needs to see what work looks like. This is true and so in the end I just say ok 10pm, to cover that eventuality and have some certainty on timings. Ie if he is free at 7pm then still we meet at 10pm because it’s been organised. I just wanted some bloody certainty so I can get on with my week.

OP posts:

showmethegin · 07/06/2021 15:29

I get it and had a similar situation when first dating my DP. We had a great time together, he seemed keen but was really crap at texting back and it really pissed me off. I told him that I didn't NEED a boyfriend and if he wasn't that bothered then we'd call it a day and it was absolutely fine, but if that wasn't the case I expected him to make more of an effort and not keep me hanging round. That was about 5 months in, we've been together 6 years since as he fixed up when he realised that I wouldn't put up with it.

I'd have a really hard think about what you want out of this relationship and speak to him again calmly but I wouldn't apologise for the content of what you said but perhaps the tone. If he doesn't change after that I'd call time.

lakesummer · 07/06/2021 15:31

Is it because the weekday visits vary and the weekends are always the same day?
Is he someone who needs a very structured routine?
If so would saying to him that you would like to see him during the week and can you both pick a day that would work for you and set it up as a regular routine.
This would take away the asking and pushback, although also the flexibility.

Original poster

Lollipu · 07/06/2021 15:35

@showmethegin he has got better at things, when we first met it was like I was dating a teen on his first ever date. But this thing has sort of stuck, he says he wants to consider plans so he doesn’t let me down...it’s so so frustrating. I did pretty much say either you have an adult relationship or we don’t have a relationship at all and he was eager to tell me he wanted it all with me and was tearful. He’s not a manipulative man. I genuinely believe he doesn’t get it fully. We’ve not spoken today and I was about to text him an apology but after this thread I’m not sure how to approach it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lollipu · 07/06/2021 15:35

@lakesummer that’s a good idea. He does like routine, so do I. I wonder if it’s the end though after what happened. We were both very upset.

OP posts:

WTF99 · 07/06/2021 15:38

@lakesummer

Is it because the weekday visits vary and the weekends are always the same day? Is he someone who needs a very structured routine? If so would saying to him that you would like to see him during the week and can you both pick a day that would work for you and set it up as a regular routine. This would take away the asking and pushback, although also the flexibility.

This is the arrangement me and my dp have come up with after months of a similar scenario to the one you are describing OP. I used to fnd it really upsetting too. Now we have regular days of the week and weekend that we see each other as a 'given" and that only changes if something out of the ordinary is happening that week. I prefer it because I know where I am and can organise myself for the days I know I won't be seeing him. It took us aaages to get to that point though....

Original poster

Lollipu · 07/06/2021 15:40

@WTF99 that would be great if we had that. I am fine on my own and what annoys me is that when I get upset I come across as needy...and I’m not bloody needy! I just want to e organised and know when I’m seeing the man I’m supposed to be in a relationship with. Like you, I don’t mind if things have to change but ffs, you really want week to week to be vague and stressful? It makes me cross just typing this!

OP posts:

littleburn · 07/06/2021 15:40

What does he do for a living? I'm trying to think of a job/work load that's so unpredictable on a week to week basis that he can't plan a few days ahead!

showmethegin · 07/06/2021 15:40

[quote Lollipu]@showmethegin he has got better at things, when we first met it was like I was dating a teen on his first ever date. But this thing has sort of stuck, he says he wants to consider plans so he doesn’t let me down...it’s so so frustrating. I did pretty much say either you have an adult relationship or we don’t have a relationship at all and he was eager to tell me he wanted it all with me and was tearful. He’s not a manipulative man. I genuinely believe he doesn’t get it fully. We’ve not spoken today and I was about to text him an apology but after this thread I’m not sure how to approach it.[/quote]
I really wouldn't apologise as it sounds as though what you said was valid. There's no point pretending this isn't doing your head in because it is. When you do speak to him I would say something like, we need to talk about it, when you do x it makes me feel like x. He needs to understand why you feel the way you feel. This is my DPs first serious relationship so there was a few things it took him to 'get' but he also wanted to. If he is so set in his was that he won't change after explaining how you feel then I would suggest it won't improve, you will just start to feel resentful.

For what it's worth, I don't think anyone should have to 'change' for a partner but I do think you have to ensure you are being considerate of the other persons feelings and if he doesn't do that then it doesn't bode well for other areas.

FrenchieFromGrease · 07/06/2021 15:41

Don't text him now. Leave him to think for a few days. You told him that you wanted an adult relationship, that you've tried multiple things to work around his routines, and that he needs to be more engaged with you. He knows this now, so let the message truly sink in. Messaging now will kind of gloss over everything you said.

Original poster

Lollipu · 07/06/2021 15:41

@littleburn

What does he do for a living? I'm trying to think of a job/work load that's so unpredictable on a week to week basis that he can't plan a few days ahead!

He’s a solicitor but works alongside the police too and the hours can be unpredictable. He’s usually home by half 7. But randomly it could be 10:30

OP posts:

dottiedodah · 07/06/2021 15:45

I think you are both on a different page here TBH. After the best part of a year together ,it seems odd that he needs to "check " his schedule ! If he has been alone a while then maybe hes set in his ways? Do you think he will want to move in together at a later date. Maybe have a chat

Original poster

Lollipu · 07/06/2021 15:48

@dottiedodah I just feel exhausted with it. I don’t even want to drive over this week now. I don’t think he understands, I don’t think he intentionally is being evasive. Maybe I won’t text after all

OP posts:

WTF99 · 07/06/2021 15:50

I would say that if you want to speak to him now then do so....dont wait....that's just game playing.
You're obviusly both upset about the fall out which means that you both care about it.
I would be apologising for shouting but not for the content. Suggest a day in the week that you see each other as a given and that this is the routine unless one of you has to cancel...and then you're not left wondering every week.
I would just warn you though that he's probably not going to change in terms of hesitancy and needing thinking time for decisions, so you need to decide whether that is going to work for you in the longer term.
I still find this frustrating but overall the positives outweigh the negatives for me.

Original poster

Lollipu · 07/06/2021 15:51

@WTF99 thanks. Why do you think your DP does that?! It’s so annoying and time wasting

OP posts:

WTF99 · 07/06/2021 15:58

Well, he's had long term relationships but has lived on his own for a long time too so has his own life and likes time to himself He is quite into his routines too...which works brilliantly now I've got him into a routine that suits me!
He's someone who likes to think about things before making decisions whereas I'm a bit more 'think a bit then do it!'. I think we have both benefitted in learning from each other over that.
He is very loving and caring though and really good fun to be with, makes me laugh lots.
No ones perfect....including me!

FinallyHere · 07/06/2021 16:01

he’s entitled to reflect on when he wants to see me

I think that's fair enough. However, I would want to see what he does when the consequences of his delay are that you have made other plans so that he doesn't get to see you.

Not in an adolescent, game playing way but simply to see his choices. Does he shrug his shoulders and just put up with that or does it make him realise that he needs to make some effort to secure your company.

The worst thing ever would be for you just to wait around for him to decide.

Having read the other responses, I have come round to the idea that it should not be up to you to train him as a life partner. Maybe better to decide whether you are at peace with his hesitancy. Or not.

Original poster

Lollipu · 07/06/2021 16:04

It’s just so horrible as I feel like I’ve been so so so accommodating. I make it so easy and he just stares into space like he’s trying to work out a maths equation.

Not heard a peep from him today so maybe it’s over anyway.

OP posts:

DumplingsAndStew · 07/06/2021 16:05

Have you posted about him/you/this relationship before?

Original poster

Lollipu · 07/06/2021 16:05

@DumplingsAndStew yes but that was over use of a car and I’ve NC since!!

OP posts:

Regularsizedrudy · 07/06/2021 16:13

His vagueness would piss me off too. And coming over at 10pm would make me feel like he wasn’t actually that arsed about seeing me, he just wants a shag. Actions speak loader than words.

Original poster

Lollipu · 07/06/2021 16:15

@Regularsizedrudy he’s not like that at all though that’s the thing. He’s not into it for sex. He’s generally really lovely. I just can’t get my head around it and just saw red when I was trying to be organised and was met again with some vague idea that he may be able to see me. It’s actually making me annoyed again thinking about it. I wasn’t even suggesting he drove to me!!!!

OP posts:

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