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Original poster

I think I’ve been awful to him haven’t I?

157 replies

Lollipu · 07/06/2021 14:00

I fell out with DP last night because he always hesitates about when we will next see each other. He likes to think things over and is a careful and considered sort of man. He’s so lovely. I feel like I’ve ruined the relationship. I asked if I could come over on Wednesday and he was vague and said he needed to check and I just went mad. Said it was unfair, did he want a real relationship, how could he not want to organise this and how could he not know yet if he wanted to do that, said I needed to organise my week too.

I was unfair and I feel terrible. I’m worried it’s over.

OP posts:
HalzTangz · 07/06/2021 18:52

Could you not suggest doing a shared calendar that you can both add your activities to. This would help to see 'free time periods'

Suprima · 07/06/2021 18:52

@Templetreebloom

Ignore anyone saying that you are being controlling. You deserve to feel like a priority in your boyfriend’s life, he isn’t making you one.

Did you miss the bit where he has to work some evenings until 10.30pm? not unreasonable at all to not want to make plans but Op insists and is raging angry Confused
Reverse -if she was a man, everyone would be up in arms.
Op you said yourself that you have been awful to him.

My then-boyfriend frequently had to work until 10:30pm. He still always made time for me, planned thoughtful dates and bought us a house- in a timeframe shorter than the OP is on. If men want to, they make it happen.

I don’t understand what you mean by ‘if the roles were reversed’? If this was me, I was working until 10:30 and I had a partner I was hugely into…I would still be gagging to see them whenever? Confused

This man doesn’t arrange dates or pin down any nice activities with the OP at all- he leaves her hanging and keeps his distance.

Cravendale · 07/06/2021 18:52

He was single for 15 years!

Thats a long time to not have to consider anyone else ....

Ok, he cant give you an answer there and then but will tell you later that day or the next day.
Christ, Give the man a break!!!!

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Templetreebloom · 07/06/2021 18:59

don’t understand what you mean by ‘if the roles were reversed’? If this was me, I was working until 10:30 and I had a partner I was hugely into…I would still be gagging to see them whenever?

Sorry I cant quote
I meant if a woman said she might have to work until 10.30 pm so couldnt make plans easily but her partner got really angry and shouted at her until she cried.

I can see Im on my own here so will bow out.

LateAtTate · 07/06/2021 19:01

@Templetreebloom yes but that’s not the point it’s that him seeing OP more than once a week appears to be an afterthought...

Ruthietuthie · 07/06/2021 19:04

I don't think you should listen to all these posts saying "give him a break," "he's working such long hours, of course it's a struggle to get together," or "maybe he needs time alone/ is on the spectrum.."
Yes, perhaps some of these things might be true, but it is so clear that he isn't prioritizing you, and that you are putting in ALL the effort and are still left feeling uncertain and unloved.
It doesn't really matter WHY it isn't right (whether it isn't working because he works such long hours, is an introvert, or because he is a serious commitment-phobe who doesn't want to make more room in his life for you then the tiny bit he is giving - although I would bet on the latter), it just isn't right.
You deserve better. Throw him back!

GingerFigs · 07/06/2021 19:09

You deserve so much more. You are doing all the running and he is making you feel terrible. Introvert, spectrum, whatever. He's pissing you about, he's got you swinging by a thread, dancing to his tune. All the cliches.

Walk away. Find someone who values you and wants to spend time with you. You sound lovely.

Original poster
Lollipu · 07/06/2021 19:13

@GingerFigs thanks. I’ve been really really kind and understanding with him. I’ve done everything really to be a good partner to him. He can’t even do this small thing for me.

OP posts:
LateAtTate · 07/06/2021 19:19

@Lollipu does he acknowledge that this has an impact on you though?
Whether he is on the spectrum or not or whether there’s some other reason there’s no hope if he doesn’t acknowledge the impact it has on you.

Also as the partner of an autistic DP - whether someone is on the spectrum or not is irrelevant. If they won’t even acknowledge that their behaviour causes issues they’re unlikely to want to fix it. This can be quite a chicken and egg problem...but it’s not your fault...

FinallyHere · 07/06/2021 19:29

he gets anxious and is easily overwhelmed by arrangements.

OK, maybe there just isn't sufficient space in his life for a real life partner just now.

Sorry @Lollipu

Nsky · 07/06/2021 19:34

I do feel for you, expect more

Original poster
Lollipu · 07/06/2021 19:43

Feel so shit tonight

OP posts:
WTF99 · 07/06/2021 19:55

@Lollipu

Feel so shit tonight
Fgs arrange to see him and have a chat about it!

I think it's probably safe to say that it's not you, it's him. This is how he makes decisions. It's not personal to you, but you have to see whether between you and he can come up with an arrangement that suits you both, and whether you think he's worth the investment of time.

lakesummer · 07/06/2021 20:10

I agree strongly with this.
Have a grownup chat, see if you can reach a compromise you are both happy with.
If you can't say goodbye and move on but it has to be worth talking first.

Original poster
Lollipu · 07/06/2021 20:11

I’ve been kind and understanding and made suggestions to do things and driven to see him.

I’m now at the point of why would I bother to text him when he’s not bothered to text me? He clearly isn’t arsed

OP posts:
WTF99 · 07/06/2021 20:17

@Lollipu

I’ve been kind and understanding and made suggestions to do things and driven to see him.

I’m now at the point of why would I bother to text him when he’s not bothered to text me? He clearly isn’t arsed

Ah well, have it your way then, you seem to have made your decision. His bursting into tears doesn't seem to me to equate with can't be arsed though... You sound in a strop!
Original poster
Lollipu · 07/06/2021 20:18

@WTF99 I am in a strop I think. Just tired of it I think. I think the fact he’s not been in touch speak volumes though. I don’t know. I wasn’t great either, I shouldn’t have got cross.

OP posts:
UpTheJunktion · 07/06/2021 20:27

Have you ever asked him how he feels when you ask about meeting in the week? As in “what do you think and feel when I suggest meeting during the week?”.

When I had a complex job with an unpredictable finish time I absolutely hated the clock ticking, the worry about “I need to text and say I will be late” .... and then again half an hour later. Really stressful.

You have been very clear about what you want, that you consider it only to be an adult relationship if you see each other in the week and how he makes you feel.

You have described his responses and actions, but do you know how he feels?

Nsky · 07/06/2021 20:28

Maybe he just feels his way, is the way, just call him, have it out

Original poster
Lollipu · 07/06/2021 20:29

@UpTheJunktion yes I’ve tried everything to understand and he says he just feels anxious about what if he needs to cancel...to which I say let’s just make plans and hope for the best, if you need to cancel that’s fine. But that wasn’t ok either.

I don’t know. I’m not perfect by a longggggg way. But I did make effort and without it things are bound not to work.

OP posts:
Ruthietuthie · 07/06/2021 20:31

@Lollipu, don't be so hard on yourself for getting cross. You aren't unreasonable, just asking for a relationship to grow in ways that it isn't unusual to expect. You have been so patient (too patient) for so long. No wonder your emotions burst out.
I agree with the suggestions above to be busy on your own terms - busy at weekends, so that if someone wants to spend time with you they have to be organized, rather than you always being the one doing the accommodating. And don't accept the dribs, such as turning up at 10 pm at the last minute. But do this in your NEXT relationship, having learnt from this one. This isn't going to work. He isn't open to building a life with you and you deserve so much more.

WTF99 · 07/06/2021 20:32

I think if you want to get some resolution to this you need to get off the "who's texting who first' square.
You don't know what he's thinking....maybe he's embarrassed about getting upset, or completely put off by your ranting, or convinced that he's blown it with yiou, or he just can't be arsed.....but you're not going to know unless you talk to him.

I'd probably drop him a text, hoping that he's OK and that you're sad about having argued and that maybe you could have a chat about it at the weekend to see if things can be sorted out. And then I'd switch my phone off and have a restful evening and make some plans in my head for the rest of the week.
I do really think though from what you've said that this is just his personality and, whilst there may well be compromises to be made, this is just him.

CroneAVirus · 07/06/2021 20:43

The thing is OP, you have failed to be a perfect MN victim. You raised your voice and lost your temper, therefore you have ceded all moral high ground and however unreasonably he’s behaved in the past or behaves from now on, you are In The Wrong and deserve to be ghosted after 10 months of pandering to this man.

You should have selflessly and uncomplainingly accommodated his utterly average working hours, which very occasionally required him to work slightly later, even if you’re a junior doctor in A&E.

You should have approached every issue in a calm and rational manner, using an even tone of voice, and always from the assumption that you’re probably being too needy and he probably has an undiagnosed neurodoversity.

Only once you’d exhausted your patience and emotional reserves satisfying yourself that he
wasn’t ‘on the spectrum’ and is in fact just a selfish and indifferent twat with the emotional intelligence of a potato are you allowed to be a little bit miffed.

Absolutely no crying and shaking though. You may have a dignified and adult weep for five minutes before pulling your big girl pants up and remembering that expressing your feelings might hurt a man’s feelings, and that would be unforgivable. He’s probably ‘stressed with work’.

When, and only when, you’ve ticked all those boxes for MN perfect victimhood can you start a thread.

WTF99 · 07/06/2021 20:48

Blimey

Suprima · 07/06/2021 20:49

@Lollipu

I’ve been kind and understanding and made suggestions to do things and driven to see him.

I’m now at the point of why would I bother to text him when he’s not bothered to text me? He clearly isn’t arsed

This is the energyyyyyy

Always match the effort given, no more.