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Original poster

I think I’ve been awful to him haven’t I?

157 replies

Lollipu · 07/06/2021 14:00

I fell out with DP last night because he always hesitates about when we will next see each other. He likes to think things over and is a careful and considered sort of man. He’s so lovely. I feel like I’ve ruined the relationship. I asked if I could come over on Wednesday and he was vague and said he needed to check and I just went mad. Said it was unfair, did he want a real relationship, how could he not want to organise this and how could he not know yet if he wanted to do that, said I needed to organise my week too.

I was unfair and I feel terrible. I’m worried it’s over.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lollipu · 07/06/2021 21:04

He clearly didn’t care did he. How have I got to this age and still alone. Genuinely wish I’d not met him, could have done without another heartbreak added to the pile!

OP posts:
blacksax · 07/06/2021 21:06

whether someone is on the spectrum or not is irrelevant. If they won't even acknowledge that their behaviour causes issues they're unlikely to want to fix it

Let me get this straight. Are you saying that autistic people could fix themselves if they wanted to? If only it were that easy.

FinallyHere · 07/06/2021 21:22

When I had a complex job with an unpredictable finish time I absolutely hated the clock ticking, the worry about “I need to text and say I will be late” .... and then again half an hour later. Really stressful.

In those days, if someone asked you to meet up on a week night, what would you answer ? A simple 'would love to see you but that won't work for me. Sorry, I can't be sure of being available' or an open ended 'I need to think about it' ?

Sorry OP.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
NannyAndJohn · 07/06/2021 21:26

Couldn't be doing with a man who bursts into crocodile tears whenever he gets called out.

Find someone who's willing to put in the effort, OP.

Aspiringmatriarch · 07/06/2021 21:29

I totally get why you're feeling like this now and that's absolutely fair enough if you decide you've had enough. Maybe let things settle for a while and see how you feel about him then. I think it's worth considering that he may need a different style of communication though.

Original poster
Lollipu · 07/06/2021 21:34

He’s just contacted me with lots of small talk and saying how much he loved seeing me at the weekend. No mention of Wednesday. Again.

OP posts:
Aspiringmatriarch · 07/06/2021 21:41

That sounds like avoidant anxiety type behaviour. I might well be projecting but he sounds so much like my ex. There were a couple of topics we just couldn't discuss because he would just be almost paralysed with the anxiety and not knowing how else to 'be'. Honestly I don't know what the best thing is, if you're not happy then it's fine to walk away. But if you care about him and are happy in other ways together, it's worth just trying to take the emotion out of it and state exactly what you want, and ask if that's possible for him. But definitely put a time limit on it if he doesn't follow through. He has to be willing to genuinely try to meet your needs (and vice versa obviously).

UpTheJunktion · 07/06/2021 21:42

he says he just feels anxious about what if he needs to cancel...to which I say let’s just make plans and hope for the best, if you need to cancel that’s fine. But that wasn’t ok either

It sounds like he has quite a deep anxiety about being late, changing and cancelling arrangements and generally going with the flow.

It may not be selfishness or lack of care, just a level of anxiety, inflexibility, or whatever. Has he ever talked about this?

It sounds complex. It doesn’t mean you have any responsibility for it: if that level of anxiety is not compatible with your own outlook, so be it.

Sorry you are heartbroken. Flowers

Original poster
Lollipu · 07/06/2021 21:47

How can he text and not even fkg mention it?! What sort of arsehole does that? Just ignores what I said entirely

OP posts:
Aspiringmatriarch · 07/06/2021 21:49

@NannyAndJohn

Couldn't be doing with a man who bursts into crocodile tears whenever he gets called out.

Find someone who's willing to put in the effort, OP.

I highly doubt it's 'crocodile tears'. If he's in tears about it, it's because this is something he can't cope with, for whatever reason. Not because he's manipulating the situation. It just doesn't read that way to me.
Original poster
Lollipu · 07/06/2021 21:49

They’re real tears. I just don’t understand him at all

OP posts:
Adultasd · 07/06/2021 22:00

I bet he doesn't have this issue at work. Court hearing, your honour? On what date? At what time? Let me think about it...
Nah.

I have huge issues with plans but it's a sick move to leave people hanging. You've been seeing him 10 months. If it was 10 days I'd cut him some slack but it's time to cut ties as he won't get better. This is who he is with you. He's telling you loud and clear that he needs to think about whether or not he wants to spend time with you. You're gangling on his hook, accepting breadcrumbs, doing the pick me dance, bending over backwards, and all rest. Gather up what's left of your self-esteem and embrace being single for a while. It's bliss after shit like this in my experience Thanks

Dullardmullard · 07/06/2021 22:20

He’s a lawyer he organises and can be organised ffs

He cries because you stated your not a priority fuck that that’s manipulative behaviour to make you feel sorry for him

I’m sorry he isn’t that into you.

BernardoTeashop · 07/06/2021 22:34

I’m sorry to say OP but you sound exhausting. The poor guy must be shattered after long days at work, he doesn’t want to say no to you outright as he knows you will crack up so he leaves it open in the hope that you will let it go. The last thing I would want after getting home at 8 or 9 in the evening is someone coming over and wanting to chat. Its your decision to leave your evenings and weekend open in the hope that he will make last minute plans. Fill your life with other things and people and dont make him the centre of your universe

Original poster
Lollipu · 07/06/2021 22:37

@BernardoTeashop I can be like that yes. I think it’s when I feel like it’s not going anywhere i panic

OP posts:
BernardoTeashop · 07/06/2021 22:41

Don’t panic. Try filling your time with other things and be unavailable to him for a bit, if it’s meant to be it will work out. If not you may find the right person whilst you are out getting on with your life

Suprima · 07/06/2021 22:58

@BernardoTeashop

I’m sorry to say OP but you sound exhausting. The poor guy must be shattered after long days at work, he doesn’t want to say no to you outright as he knows you will crack up so he leaves it open in the hope that you will let it go. The last thing I would want after getting home at 8 or 9 in the evening is someone coming over and wanting to chat. Its your decision to leave your evenings and weekend open in the hope that he will make last minute plans. Fill your life with other things and people and dont make him the centre of your universe
Have you read the thread? This guy doesn’t pin down any dates or plans with her at all- he can’t be bothered.

The event you are beating the OP up for (‘you sound exhausting’) was a culmination of a complete lack of effort and him never making any forward plans at all.

hugocat · 07/06/2021 23:08

@Lollipu

Feel so shit tonight
I feel for you. Have you seen the film 'He's just not that into you' ?
katy1213 · 08/06/2021 00:04

The blubbing would finish it for me. Who needs a wet nelly?

skybluee · 08/06/2021 00:06

I don't really get what he's done wrong. If he has to think about it but always gets back to you later that day or the next day? He sounds nice to be honest, if I was in a rship I'd probably want to see someone once a week. I would hate it if someone came over just to sleep though, so maybe my answer isn't relevant to a lot of situations. To me it sounds like anxiety (needing to think about things, can't give an immediate answer). He sounds like he cares but maybe you're just incompatible as it's obviously really stressing you out and that's no way for a relationship to be.

showmethegin · 08/06/2021 00:11

At the end of the day OP it appears that you want more than he is willing or able to provide. There's no malice from either of you, just incompatibility.

You deserve to find someone that will say 'hey OP you free next Wednesday for dinner', that's really not unreasonable after nearly a year!

WTF99 · 08/06/2021 00:16

I don't think you're being very kind tbh OP. Is he really an arsehole for being chatty and saying how much he enjoyed seeing you at the weekend? That sounds like trying to make things ok to me.
Believe me I do get how difficult it is that he's reluctant to make plans but he's clearly into you and this is JUST HIM so if you want this to go somewhere you two have to figure out a compromise that will work.
I'm the nicest possible way....it isn't all about you...
And if that fills you with horror well then I don't think he is for you and you need to let him go.

WTF99 · 08/06/2021 00:19

@katy1213

The blubbing would finish it for me. Who needs a wet nelly?
Nice Hmm
skybluee · 08/06/2021 00:27

[quote Lollipu]@FeistySheep I’ve said repeatedly it’s fine to change plans but I would rather we made them and hoped for the best than had a vague few days not knowing when we will next meet[/quote]
Also I couldn't do this. If I'd arranged to meet someone on e.g. Thursday I'd meet them on Thursday, I couldn't change it. It sounds to me like he's wanting to make sure he absolutely can do it before he commits. I get that it's infuriating for you. Making plans and hoping for the best, not knowing if I could do that day or not isn't something I could do. Also if you made plans then they fell through wouldn't that be a lot more stressful? Is there any way you could set a time limit like he can think about it but always lets you know the next day. Then you're talking about 12-24 hours or something and you can both arrange your weeks - it might suit you both.

BillMasen · 08/06/2021 00:46

@katy1213

The blubbing would finish it for me. Who needs a wet nelly?
He needs to man up, right? Real men don’t cry when something upsets them

Ffs