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Original poster

I think I’ve been awful to him haven’t I?

157 replies

Lollipu · 07/06/2021 14:00

I fell out with DP last night because he always hesitates about when we will next see each other. He likes to think things over and is a careful and considered sort of man. He’s so lovely. I feel like I’ve ruined the relationship. I asked if I could come over on Wednesday and he was vague and said he needed to check and I just went mad. Said it was unfair, did he want a real relationship, how could he not want to organise this and how could he not know yet if he wanted to do that, said I needed to organise my week too.

I was unfair and I feel terrible. I’m worried it’s over.

OP posts:
Shehasadiamondinthesky · 07/06/2021 16:19

@Lollipu

We have been seeing each other 10 months nearly. We’ve seen each other weekly since the day we met and also in the last few months been spending time together in the week. But every time it comes up to the next arrangement he is vague. In fairness if I leave it completely after a few days he would ask if I wanted to meet at the weekend. But if I say shall I see you on x date while with him, he doesn’t re assume me he wants to see me he just goes vague and looks into space and says he needs to check.

What’s upset me is that when I address it with him he burst into tears and said of course he wants to see me he’s just trying to work out fitting things in. I’ve said im happy to just come over and fall asleep at say 10pm and he says yes that’s good too but he still needs to check?! I’m then left thinking check what?! It’s an arrangement at 10pm?!

It’s my fault though as I know he cares so I shouldn’t have lost my cool. He hasn’t spoken to me all day :(

I'd be freaked out if a bloke burst into tears over an issue like this.

It would drive me nuts too and I'd end it. Sounds like some kind of ODC thing.

I can't understand it, I'm super busy at work all week and know exactly what I'm doing and what days I'll be free.

Mydarlingmyhamburger · 07/06/2021 16:20

@thebeesknees123

He sounds like someone who likes his space when he is tired. I am a bit like that, too. He may just be trying to decide if he feels up to company. I know I sometimes feel irritable if I'm not in the mood for people
That’s what I thought. He’s got a stressful job with long, unpredictable hours. He doesn’t know how he’s going to feel at 10pm a week from now, I wouldn’t want visitors then. I wonder if he’s got a touch of anxiety as well. I hate planning things ahead incase I have a really bad day and I really don’t feel up to seeing anyone, it’s horrible having to let people down.
CirqueDeMorgue · 07/06/2021 16:24

No fuck that, your boyfriend should be keen to see you.

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Relationship problems
cauliflowerkorma · 07/06/2021 16:29

Does he have a condition that makes making arrangements difficult and stressful for him? It sounds like he may.

What you see as perfectly normal arrangements making seems to make him feel uncomfortable and on the spot.

NCtitleofyoursextape · 07/06/2021 16:35

OP I think you were 100% in the right. Yea you shouted but you were frustrated, it’s understandable. You can apologise for your tone but he needs to sort this out. You are not a jigsaw piece for him to slot somewhere into the puzzle of his life as he sees fit.
He needs to make time and space and consider your needs not just his own. Of course you need to be able to plan your own
Time, and to see that things are moving forwards.

niceupthedance · 07/06/2021 16:37

It's because he doesn't want to leave you in his house when he goes to work next day

Original poster
Lollipu · 07/06/2021 16:38

Thanks @NCtitleofyoursextape I just feel so sad today. I am exhausted with it all. I have constantly felt like a jigsaw piece and I just wanted to be part of his life in a real way.I was going to text him but really what’s the point. To ask to see him again while he considers it like some board meeting.

Had enough and feel completely resentful that I can be so accommodating and caring and he throws it back in my face. Maybe he’s more self involved than I realised.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lollipu · 07/06/2021 16:39

@niceupthedance I’ve never done that and wouldn’t. I just drive home in the morning.

OP posts:
romdowa · 07/06/2021 16:48

I think that would drive anybody mad. Everytime you suggest meeting he has to check? I would have been gone after the 2nd or 3rd time , never mind 10 months in. It just seems a bit dismissive or something , like he can't understand that your time Is also equally important.

Whosaidit · 07/06/2021 16:48

@Lollipu

Thanks *@NCtitleofyoursextape* I just feel so sad today. I am exhausted with it all. I have constantly felt like a jigsaw piece and I just wanted to be part of his life in a real way.I was going to text him but really what’s the point. To ask to see him again while he considers it like some board meeting.

Had enough and feel completely resentful that I can be so accommodating and caring and he throws it back in my face. Maybe he’s more self involved than I realised.

Op, you sound really quite down about this. I think you have to spell it out to him and if he doesn’t meet your needs then it might be time to move on. You don’t need a relationship that causes you angst like this less than a year in
Original poster
Lollipu · 07/06/2021 16:52

@romdowa I think it’s also the way he says he needs to think...but it’s not there and then. He just likes to think, open ended, gets back to me later that day or the next day. Makes me feel like shit. I’ve told him this and he apologies and says he just tries to work out how it will fit. I’m almost certain he’s not seeing anyone. He works and comes home. I just find it really disrespectful and like there’s no point to it

OP posts:
romdowa · 07/06/2021 16:56

[quote Lollipu]@romdowa I think it’s also the way he says he needs to think...but it’s not there and then. He just likes to think, open ended, gets back to me later that day or the next day. Makes me feel like shit. I’ve told him this and he apologies and says he just tries to work out how it will fit. I’m almost certain he’s not seeing anyone. He works and comes home. I just find it really disrespectful and like there’s no point to it[/quote]
Even if he said look let me check and I'll let you know by 9pm or by the morning tomorrow, that would be something but open ended , just makes it seem like it's not a priority. He can't need to think that hard about it like. In all about actions. Words are cheap and easy but actions mean something and this guy seems like his actions aren't matching his words.

Original poster
Lollipu · 07/06/2021 16:58

@romdowa yeah I agree. I’m just going to leave it now. Totally gutted as I was so so happy with him. Aside from this!!! But I really did think he was great. Can’t believe I’m heading back to the drawing board.

OP posts:
CroneAVirus · 07/06/2021 17:00

Sounds like you’re doing all the heavy lifting in this relationship. Does he ever actively make an effort, or does he just come home from work and then say ‘yes’, ‘no’, or ‘maybe’ to your suggestions as he pleases? What would happen if you stopped doing all the running?

Apart from anything else, it’s so rude.

You’re lying in bed together, probably feeling very intimate, you suggest meeting next week and instead of enthusiastically agreeing he stares into space and basically says he’ll get back to you. Fuck that. Who does he think he is? What does he think you are?

No wonder you blew your top. Sounds like you’ve been giving him the benefit of the doubt for too long. If, after 10 months, he can’t even decide if your enough of a priority to commit to increasing your time together from once to twice a week, he needs to get gone.

Don’t apologise. Don’t contact him. Don’t waste any more of your time.

Original poster
Lollipu · 07/06/2021 17:09

@CroneAVirusths thanks. That’s pretty much how it went! I’ve made lots of excuses and been reasonable as he gets anxious and is easily overwhelmed by arrangements. But I can’t go week to week not knowing when we are seeing each other, waiting on the go ahead, holding evenings free for when he suddenly decides it will work for him. What gets to me is that it would be me driving, me collecting food on the way (I offered).

Yes he did lots of nice things for me and with me but this has always been an issue. The other night though I just saw red and went mad. I’d also spent all of Saturday helping him tidy a garage that he’s selling. So I’m entering into things as a team and he can’t even be arsed to think about when he’s free

OP posts:
LateAtTate · 07/06/2021 17:19

You seem to be putting yourself out.
He seems to have issues - which don’t make him a bad person.
But if he doesn’t acknowledge them it’s just going to be you working around them - is that really what you want? What happens in your time of need, will he come running to your rescue? Or need to ‘check his schedule?’
Also after 6 months both sides should be raring to see the other as much as possible. How does he not know this already

CroneAVirus · 07/06/2021 17:20

But I can’t go week to week not knowing when we are seeing each other, waiting on the go ahead, holding evenings free for when he suddenly decides it will work for him

I’ve been in that situation before. And you don’t want to just crack on and make your own plans because you know that if you do, that’s like admitting to yourself that you won’t see him for a week. So you just keep everything on pause while he takes his sweet time deciding if he can be bothered.

If he gets overwhelmed by arrangements, he really ought to take steps to address that before he starts dating because dating necessarily requires, you know, arranging dates.

I wonder if he gets overwhelmed and anxious about work arrangements in the same way...?

Tal45 · 07/06/2021 17:31

Like a pp the first thing I wondered about was aspergers, you said dating him at first was like dating a teenager and that he needs time to make plans. Can you find a way to work with him ie let him say when he can see you or wait for him to arrange things? If not maybe you just need someone with more free time - working the hours he does is not really ideal for a relationship IMO. If you don't want this to be over then please contact him, he's probably upset as he sounds quite sensitive and would probably be really happy to hear from you. Perhaps you could agree that you will come round on one particular day at 10pm every week? That might be easier for him. What happens at weekends do you see each other then?

Original poster
Lollipu · 07/06/2021 17:34

@CroneAVirus yes exactly that!! I don’t want to not see him all week. It’s weird isn’t it. I just need to accept it and move on. So hard though. Not heard from him all day and doubt I will now. What is wrong with me going for someone like this. I really thought we were great together...when literally together.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lollipu · 07/06/2021 17:35

@Tal45 yes see each other at weekends and most weeks too. But it’s always a drama an big consideration for him.

I’m tired of it.

Do you really think I should text?! I feel pissed off. And sad.

OP posts:
Suprima · 07/06/2021 17:45

You’re being too accommodating.

If men want to do something, they will. He should be chasing you and arranging dates.(why do you want to sleep over at his house when he gets back from work? Sounds desperate and needy tbh.) If he doesn’t want to arrange to see you in the week, he doesn’t want to. Withdraw, stop the panicking and see what he does. Someone who doesn’t want to do weekday dates with you isn’t worth this stress.

And by 10 months….I know it’s covid times but have you arranged any holidays? Spoke about moving in together?

Ruthietuthie · 07/06/2021 17:45

I really don't think it should be this difficult. You are making all the effort, it seems, making yourself available to him, running over there late at night.
Imagine being with someone who wasn't like this, someone who was glad to see you and wanted to spend time with you. Wouldn't it be lovely to not have to lie there, in bed with that person, having made all this effort, for them to hesitate as to whether they can possibly fit you into their busy calendar. You deserve so much more than this.
I would tell him you are done. You can't meet someone else better while you are expending so much thought and energy trying to make it work with him.

Original poster
Lollipu · 07/06/2021 17:52

Yes I know you’re right @Suprima and @Ruthietuthie I’m just so sad about it all.

I was really excited about him. I thought we were really good when together. It just doesn’t work like this. I’m so sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lollipu · 07/06/2021 17:53

Also I’m hardly young am I. Near enough 40. Thought he’d want better than this too at his age.

OP posts:
Nicolastuffedone · 07/06/2021 17:57

He hasn’t had a relationship for 15 years? Or did I misread that?

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