Kicked out of childcare again. 2yo. Desperate for help.

[BeyondHopee]

My son was with a childminder for five months, never settled, cried all day to go home so they gave us notice. We started him in a nursery, same situation, four months later and they've given us notice. What do I do? Keep trying different settings? I've missed so much work picking him up all the time it's a miracle I still have a job. If I have to go through all the settling in half days again, and miss more work, I probably won't. I can't afford to quit my job and be at home with him, I love my job and I don't want to lose it. What do I do? Has anyone experienced this? I just don't think he will be happy anywhere but home, but he has to be somewhere

What about a nanny who could care for him in your home?

Could you afford a nanny to come to your house?

Where’s his dad? Have you got family to have him?

We can't afford a nanny No family close enough to help. His dad helps where he can but works full time. It's just a nightmare

Is he NT? I’d say it’s fairly unusual for him to be so extremely unhappy that two different childcare settings have asked you to remove him, I wonder if maybe he needs a different kind of care? I’m sorry though, it sounds really tough. Do you have a partner to share the childcare in the interim?

What was the reason nursery has for giving notice?

How old is he?

@Orchidflower1

What was the reason nursery has for giving notice?

How old is he?

Title says he's 2yo and OP says because he is crying all day every day and not settling.

Development wise he's right on track, health visitor had no concerns regarding autism or the like. I pushed for further investigation regardless and he was screened by early intervention services who again had no concerns. He scored 0 on the M cat test or something like that. I just don't know what to do. He just wants to be at home, all the time. I guess with lockdown it's all he's ever known really. He just screams until he gets his way. He learnt pretty quickly if he cried enough at the childminders that she'd phone me to pick him up, he's outsmarted us all. He's very clingy and has a strong attachment to me and his dad, a bit too strong apparently. I feel like I've done it all wrong.

What about a forest school style nursery? Some children settle much better when outside.

Have you room for an au pair and then manage it between the three of you?

My son was terrible at any form of childcare except a lovely childminder I eventually found. He was the same at school, unfortunately right up to yr 1. You just have to grit your teeth and persevere if you need to work but you need the right support in place

Not to scare you or anything but he did grow up to have anxiety/MH problems so don’t let anyone dismiss him as simply “too soft” or “difficult”

Are you with his dad or are you separated?

Could both of you go part time and tag team with staying home?

How much settling in were you able to do at nursery? As in, start off with just an hour then two, then a morning, then pick up after lunch etc? It's a bit onerous but may help if longer sessions are slowly built up. Does he have any little friends or cousins in a setting that he could join?

No amount of “settling in” would have helped my ds, tbh

No forest schools or anything like that where we live. No room for an au pair. Can't afford a nanny. I'm already part time and barely earning, definitely can't afford his dad to go part time. We did a few weeks of half days in the nursery then built up to full days. He'll have a few hours sometimes at the end of the days where he snaps out of it and plays but hours of relentless crying to go home first. I'm at my wits end with it I just don't know what to do.

I know it’s a while off yet, but he’ll need to learn that he can’t do this at school.
I would search really hard and find a nursery that isn’t going to give up on him just because he’s crying.
How many days a week does he go to nursery and are the days consecutive?
Did he take/ does he have a comforter?
He’s a clever cookie and has definitely learnt how to get his own way.

I think many, many little children will struggle like this after the experience of lockdown and the lack of normal socialisation. There are no easy answers and I think you need to weigh up your perfectly understandable need to work/keep your job and your son's mental health. Don't underestimate the importance of early years experience on future mental health. He just isn't ready to feel confident away from you.
It is a horrible situation.

Can you have an honest discussion with the nursery / a new nursery because it seems that is your only option. He can't be the first child to do this. I get that he might be upsetting the other children but surely they have some strategies.

It must be so hard, I hope you can sort it.

@FelicityPike

I know it’s a while off yet, but he’ll need to learn that he can’t do this at school. I would search really hard and find a nursery that isn’t going to give up on him just because he’s crying. How many days a week does he go to nursery and are the days consecutive? Did he take/ does he have a comforter? He’s a clever cookie and has definitely learnt how to get his own way.

He is two years old. The difference between a 2 year old and a 4 year old is huge. Half a lifetime. Even teenagers are struggling with being back in school after lockdown. Mental health problems are rocketing.

Are you sure you can't juggle the house for an au pair? How many bedrooms do you have? If you have two bedrooms could the au pair have one, your son the other and you and husband take the living room to sleep in?

I agree he has learnt how to get his way, the automatic switch in his behaviour when he knows I'm on the way (walking to door, smiling, waving, saying bye bye). I'm not denying it's hard for him and I don't want to sound unsympathetic but he has learnt if he cries enough I turn up. He goes to nursery on Monday, Tuesday and Friday.

I think you need to look for a really sympathetic childminder. One that does the care in their own home, perhaps with older children that are at school all day

The one I used just had my son and a very young baby plus a couple of “before and after schoolers”

She was very homey, didn’t go overboard on the “education” side (they are just babies, ffs) and treated him like one of her own kids. So she did a lot of ordinary things like go to the supermarket, did the school run, went to the park, visited her sister. Nothing too overwhelming.

I know @endofthelinefinally I’ve been a nursery teacher for 22 years.
I am not unsympathetic, but no nursery I have ever worked in would’ve abandoned a child for being upset/ unsettled.
I’ve had poor kids throw up from crying for their parents. Took a while, but they settled.

He needs to learn that he’s not getting out of nursery.

His dad helps where he can but works full time. It's just a nightmare

Are you with his dad? Do you work full time?

Childcare is both of your responsibility, don’t buy into the mindset where your wages cover the childcare bill, you’re the one responsible for organising, picking up in emergencies etc. You both work, you should share the load.

Does he have any ideas? Can he take some annual leave to take the pressure off you and your job for a while and get him used to being with someone other than you?

Will nursery do half days for a while to see if the shorter periods settle him in more? Does it help of his dad takes him?

Unfortunately he is getting out of nursery, as they've given notice.

Half days are the worst part I think, he's always cried for hours in childminder and nursery and then in the afternoon he will snap out of it for periods of time and play and interact with them. It just takes him so long to do that, like hours. And it's not always the case.

His dad and me are together, I work 4 days a week and he goes to nursery 3 days and spends 1 day with his dad, then we have 1 day all together and I'm at home the other 2 days with him. We've tried me doing drop off, him doing drop off, doing it together, but nothing stops the screaming from the moment he's dropped off for a good 4 hours atleast, sometimes more. There will be a good day (ha) where he cries all morning and will be semi ok in the afternoon but then there's days he just won't calm down and is screaming mummy and daddy and we end up picking him up.