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Original poster

Kicked out of childcare again. 2yo. Desperate for help.

255 replies

BeyondHopee · 07/06/2021 10:46

My son was with a childminder for five months, never settled, cried all day to go home so they gave us notice. We started him in a nursery, same situation, four months later and they've given us notice. What do I do? Keep trying different settings? I've missed so much work picking him up all the time it's a miracle I still have a job. If I have to go through all the settling in half days again, and miss more work, I probably won't. I can't afford to quit my job and be at home with him, I love my job and I don't want to lose it. What do I do? Has anyone experienced this? I just don't think he will be happy anywhere but home, but he has to be somewhereSad

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 07/06/2021 12:31

This might be a bit left field but can you take out a small loan and pay for a nanny? I know it’s not ideal but it keeps you employed and might break the link with you. Then get the nanny to take him to different groups for short periods?

ivfgottwins · 07/06/2021 12:33

Would this be too cruel....asking a family friend to take him for a day or two.....he cries himself out and starts to learn no amount of crying gets him sent home?

SaltAndVinegarSandwiches · 07/06/2021 12:34

@Bluntness100

This might be a bit left field but can you take out a small loan and pay for a nanny? I know it’s not ideal but it keeps you employed and might break the link with you. Then get the nanny to take him to different groups for short periods?
I actually think this might be a good idea.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

2 year olds Behaviour & development Childcare & nursery Families
RosesAndHellebores · 07/06/2021 12:34

Hmm. I think there are a few reasons:

Wrong childminder/nursery and you have been unlucky twice in a row.

Possible latent health issue like an ear infection/glue ear - worth getting it checked.

Sadly, like AnyFucker, I had a very clingy dd until she was about three who whilst settling into school and the second nursery perfectly did grow up to suffer from anxiety and was latterly diagnosed at 17 with ADHD and some ASD traits. It would have been much better to know about this from when she was much younger. She is OK now and doing well with self and drug management.

The most worrying thing for me about your post is the reliance on advice from the HV. They are generalist public health nurses. I would venture that you go to your GP and seek a second opinion from a specialist paediatrician and get the lad's ears checked at the same time. You may have to pay.

3WildOnes · 07/06/2021 12:35

I wouldn’t keep putting him through that if you can possibly not. I would ask work if you can take 6 months or a years leave and then I would see if you can have parent infant psychotherapy to find strategies to help his anxiety.
He is not manipulating you. He sounds incredibly distressed.
parentinfantfoundation.org.uk/teams/locations/
Are any of these local to you?

Winkywonkydonkey · 07/06/2021 12:37

They key for us has always been very early drop offs so they're the first in the room. Whenever I took DC in even 10 mins later they'd be upset but fine if they were first in, got to talk to the staff in the quiet before the mayhem got going. Also very very quick drop offs. No saying goodbye just hand over and walks straight out. I'd say you first childminder has got him in the habit of getting his way and he needs to gently realise that it's not going to happen, perhaps with some story boards and talking about what mummy is doing now and when she's going to come to pick up later.

Lulola · 07/06/2021 12:40

A parent on Instagram discovered her kid was the same when she left them somewhere like nursery, but was fine when the child was the one to do the leaving. So she could get on a school bus fine but her mum couldn’t drop her off without her screaming until she was sick. Could you arrange someone to pick them up and take them to nursery for you? Maybe that would help?

eensyweensySpider · 07/06/2021 12:40

Sorry OP, I know you say it must be the effect of lockdown, but my DS was born in lockdown too, never socialised and settled in nursery fairly well (touch wood). He still cries at dropping off and doesn't sleep very well but I guess that expected for a while. I've got a feeling the nursery has not handled your DS very well. Did you enquire what they do to distract him, how they are trying to occupy him to take his little mind off things? Our settling in sessions and first week consisted of only 1:1 sessions with DS and his Key Person so that he is never left alone and he's got time to get used to & bind with this person. Now the adult to child ratio is 1:3. He started when he was 15m and goes 2 full days a week. I agree with the previous posters to try phoning different nurseries and make a plan together to tackle his settling. They need to put the work in, I doubt many children settle at a click of a finger and some may take more time and effort on the nursery's part. Good luck my lovely Thanks

Blondeshavemorefun · 07/06/2021 12:40

It is tricky but the case is perseverance if you can’t /don’t want to give up work

Sounds like a quieter home from home so a cm may be better

So he’s been in childcare for 9mths

Having all days together do help

Obv it is hard for a cm or nursery to have to do constant comforting when have other children as well to consider

mumwon · 07/06/2021 12:42

you need to try a new cm or nursery & I would suggest for a couple of weeks do full five days - you need to be honest about him not settling & get some feedback/review of any childcare you approach first.
For the first 2 weeks you DO NOT come & collect early unless he is ill or its an emergency - he has to unlearn this behaviour & I don't mean by having a ultra strict place but one where the carer is experienced enough to lovingly ignore his crying but distract him with activities - going out a lot for instance to parks & mother & toddlers- it strikes me that the cm/nursery may not have suited him or visa versa - not all childcare is the same

Blondeshavemorefun · 07/06/2021 12:43

@Bluntness100

This might be a bit left field but can you take out a small loan and pay for a nanny? I know it’s not ideal but it keeps you employed and might break the link with you. Then get the nanny to take him to different groups for short periods?
I agree with this

I was a nanny for over 20yrs

Some children prefer home care

Obv don’t let him know you work from home and say bye and go out of front door so child knows you have gone

Then return maybe an hour later. And repeat

You have 2yrs of childcare then school assume sept 2023

kirinm · 07/06/2021 12:49

I'd be very cross with the nursery about this. Were you able to ask what sort of things they were trying to do to calm him down?

I'm afraid I don't have any suggestions other than you needing better nurseries and childminders to work with.

Englishgirl9 · 07/06/2021 12:50

I would suggest trying another childminder or nursery setting, it might just be bad luck that neither of these ones were a good fit for him.

I'd also look to arrange lots of play dates / going to the park / soft play etc for the days you are with him so he gets used to playing with other children and not just being at home with you both.

Might be useful to look at other coping techniques too - e.g. a lovey or toy you to bring to nursery that he can hug if he misses you.

kirinm · 07/06/2021 12:50

You employ a nanny so be very aware of what that actually means. I looked into it but I really didn't want the hassle of paying tax etc for somebody else. The £10-12 figures I saw on childcare.co.uk turned out to be net sums.

HaveringWavering · 07/06/2021 12:51

Is he just 2, or closer to 3 now? They do change a lot at that age so it makes a difference. Sounds really tough for you and very disappointing that the nursery are not willing to try properly. Might a nanny share be an option to manage cost? If you have a local parents’ FB group you could maybe ask on there.

pomegranatepillow · 07/06/2021 12:51

This sounds so upsetting for you and your son.

Would a nanny be an option at home, as others have said?

It sounds like the Early Intervention assessment was autism specific. Maybe won't be relevant, but wouldn't hurt to ask your health visitor for a wider infant mental health referral if there is one in your area? They are very much only in development in the UK but it is an area they could help with perhaps.

HaveringWavering · 07/06/2021 12:55

I work 4 days a week and he goes to nursery 3 days and spends 1 day with his dad, then we have 1 day all together and I'm at home the other 2 days with him.

Sorry I’m being dim but I’m totally confused, does either you or your husband work one day at the weekend?

sunshineflowers · 07/06/2021 12:56

Can you even get au pairs these days ? I think the rules have a changed on these.

A babysitter could be used, that comes to your house. Or just finding the right preschool, with outside space.

MintyMabel · 07/06/2021 13:01

I just don't know what to do.

Lots of suggestions being made here, nine of which are apparently suitable for you. Sounds like you just need to quit your job.

Moules · 07/06/2021 13:02

Fwiw I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong! Your DS has formed a very strong attachment because of how good you and DP have parented him!

My DH and I were both super clingy children (I got shingles when starting primary schools from the stress of leaving home) and no (or just the usual) mental health issues here! Both professionals in demanding jobs now who are pretty secure in ourselves.

This won’t be a popular suggestion I’m sure but my personal view is find a way to make staying at home work until he’s a bit older. I don’t know what you do for a living but with many companies moving to remote working if you really need some extra income to get by, there are opportunities out there. Yes it means putting your career on the back burner but it’s for such a short time, say until DS can go to pre school. If he is as distressed as you’ve been told, I would take the hit now until he’s 3 when you can get some free childcare hours anyway. He’ll have some better coping mechanisms then, albeit he will still probably really, really love being around you guys more than other people.

Sorry if anyone is offended by my view, I know it’s not a progressive feminist one but just my opinion based on OP’s situation.

Peppapeg · 07/06/2021 13:03

Oh no, sounds really tricky OP. I would ask around childminders, some only have one or two other children and that might be better than being with a lot of other children. I would be up front though about why you need a new setting, some will probably say sorry no, but you might find one who is well versed in helping little ones settle and be prepared to put a lot into settling him in.

Peppapeg · 07/06/2021 13:05

Your DS has formed a very strong attachment because of how good you and DP have parented him!

Children are all different, limited situations aside, attachment differs as children do.

OhDeerKnee · 07/06/2021 13:07

Children at this age are not manipulative or sneaky. If he’s upset for you then for some reason he needs you. Lockdown has been tough on little ones. Does he like being outside? How about a forest school type? Does he have any little friends he could go with? I’d keep trying childminders rather than a nursery to be honest. I get it’s tough but please don’t think he has learnt how to manipulate you, it’s just not true.

ShowMeHow · 07/06/2021 13:07

Does he understand you always come back. Teach him over a weekend. Keep practicing the bye. And The return. Leave him with a toy to take care of till mum gets back each time. Tell him you will be at work and back after story time or whatever recognisable activity the childminder/nursery can put in to a routine late in the day before collection time. Have staff tell him the same Mum comes back after story time.

Childminder is probably your best option.

dannydyerismydad · 07/06/2021 13:07

In your shoes I would investigate other nurseries. He's clearly not settled where he is, but that doesn't necessarily mean he can't settle anywhere.

We actually found a large nursery suited our boy better. Larger nurseries have more space so children don't feel so crammed in and more staff, so a better chance of finding someone he clicks with.

The nursery I work up has a little girl who struggles to settle. For whatever reason she has decided she finds me comforting. Although I work in the office and not directly with the children, I've given a fair amount of time to sitting with her, cuddling her, reading with her, until she's confident to go and explore without me. A good nursery will work with you to find a way.