Kicked out of childcare again. 2yo. Desperate for help.

[BeyondHopee]

My son was with a childminder for five months, never settled, cried all day to go home so they gave us notice. We started him in a nursery, same situation, four months later and they've given us notice. What do I do? Keep trying different settings? I've missed so much work picking him up all the time it's a miracle I still have a job. If I have to go through all the settling in half days again, and miss more work, I probably won't. I can't afford to quit my job and be at home with him, I love my job and I don't want to lose it. What do I do? Has anyone experienced this? I just don't think he will be happy anywhere but home, but he has to be somewhere

It's a hard situation but if you can't quit (I get that), but you can't do a nanny, and say you can't do a different childminder or nursery, what other options actually exist?

I would try a different nursery or childminder as others have said. Be open and upfront, ask how they'd tackle the issue, if they've faced it before, what worked etc? Between 2 and 3 he may start making friends (mind did at around 3) which can make things easier.

I think it's difficult to fulfil the needs of the early years curriculum for several children and spend all the time comforting a crying child . Perhaps you could find a child minder who has no other children and a homely setting so he could have a very familiar routine .

I copied my friend's flash cards for my NT child who struggled with being left.

I would sign him up to more than one establishment. It’s always going to be less racing on the nursery/childminder if a difficult child has less hours there. Then start the child on a small amount of time initially and very slowly stretch it out. There has to be MASSIVE rewards for good behaviour (not crying at nursery) and disappointment for poor behaviour (mummy feels sad etc).

Honestly you’re going to have to really push the boat out to reward the good behaviour. Exciting toys. Days out etc. Made sure you praise, praise, praise.

I think you can turn this around if you keep at it.

*taxing

@BeyondHopee

His childminder was lovely but just couldn't deal with him and the other kids, he distracted her from them. I can't find a childminder who has time for one on one. There's 4 nannies on childcare.com where I live and they seem to be all be university students who aren't available for full days and still charge £10-12 an hour. It's just not possible, I don't think he's going to be able to have one on one, he's going to have to adapt but it's just not happening

There's an agency called Koru Kids who offer part time nannies, and if you nanny-share it is £9 an hour (1:1 is £13ph) - and that includes the nanny's PAYE, sick pay, all the admin etc. I know it's still pricey but could that be an option?

I understand your job is important to you but you said yourself you earn very little. You need to put your sons well-being over your own personal fulfilment, he is unhappy and needs to be at home.

Hand hold OP, I can empathise, my DS1 was like this, so I know how upsetting it was. I was determined to stick with it, foolishly thinking he would then be OK when he started school, sadly this wasn’t the case, he did settle eventually but separation for him was really tough. I am sorry I don’t have the answer, but the situation will resolve itself once he matures, he is still very little.

@justanotherneighinparadise

I would sign him up to more than one establishment. It’s always going to be less racing on the nursery/childminder if a difficult child has less hours there. Then start the child on a small amount of time initially and very slowly stretch it out. There has to be MASSIVE rewards for good behaviour (not crying at nursery) and disappointment for poor behaviour (mummy feels sad etc).

Honestly you’re going to have to really push the boat out to reward the good behaviour. Exciting toys. Days out etc. Made sure you praise, praise, praise.

I think you can turn this around if you keep at it.

Again, please do NOT do this. Do not tell your child that you are disappointed with him because he is struggling without you. And rewarding has been proven not to work. This isn’t some kind of naughty behaviour, he is struggling. Punishment and reward are totally wrong here.

I disagree with pp suggestions of going in debt to get a nanny.

Move him to 3 full days of group childcare in a row with rigid start and end times. Do not collect him early. Find a new nursery if you have to. Be consistent. Keep going.

Do not quit your job.

Remember that this will pass and you will all survive. He loves being with you - that’s great, but it’s actually good for him to go to nursery too. Remind yourself of this and stick with it.

Good luck.

I really hope some people have missed that the child in question is 2 years old. Showing disappointment because he misses his mother? Only on mumsnet!

I really feel for you OP, it must be so hard. I think toddlers have had a raw deal with lockdown, everyone talks about the babies born in lockdown but actually it will have very little impact on them. the slightly older babies who are now having to adjust to life outside of home have such a huge obstacle.

What happens if you don't pick him up? Eg. Could you say to the nursery you won't pick him up on a set day (maybe a quieter day with less children in) and see what happens? It could be he just needs a push to realise you won't give in. Or what else have the nursery/you tried to help him deal with the separation?

I really don’t think another childcare setting is likely to work for this little one, in fact it make his separation anxiety even worse. A nanny in his own home would be the ideal solution, but failing that one of you is going to have to stay home with him. I know you don’t want to hear that, and I know it doesn’t feel fair, but sometimes we have to suck it up for the sake of our kids. Sometimes life is bloody hard.

Can you find a nursery setting where you can go and play for an hour and then take 10 mins away then go back for half an hour and build up his trust on the staff, make a fuss of the carer as a friend so he sees them as nice people?

Just might be the stepping stone he needs

Can I just say that you were not 'lucky' to get a promotion, you earnt it.

I was kicked out because i cried from 9 to 1. I believe a nursery who gives up on a child like this is amateurish in the extreme. Search search and search again. I wish you find the right people for her, who don´t let her down.

Like a few pp, I wonder if a home-based childminder with relatively few children in her care might be preferable to a nursery in this case? I know that one childminder had difficulty looking after him; but perhaps things would be different with someone else.

Is it possible that your child might have some subtle visual or hearing difficulty that makes unfamiliar environments more confusing and stressful for him? Having some subtle visual processing difficulties made unfamiliar environments stressful for me as a child; and it was a long time before this was recognized. Probably not the case with your child, but may be worth checking. The tests that he has had so far may have been mainly to rule out general learning difficulties or autism.

But probably the main problems are just that he's 2; and that he isn't used to other people due to lockdown.

Please don't think that he's just being naughty or manipulative, or that he needs to learn that he can't 'get out of things' or he'll have trouble at school, etc. A 2-year-old doesn't have the planning ability or 'theory of mind' to be able to manipulate others, or any concept of 'getting out of things'. School is a long time away.

Some really shit advice on this thread. Getting a loan? Punishing him? OP quitting her job ffs? Thank fuck there are also some really lovely posters here to balance it out.

I would forget about Autism for the moment you have had him assessed, he can be reassesed in a few years if necessary. For what it's worth my dd absolutely loved nursery and was diagnosed with ASD at 15. All children with Autism are different.
Im an ex nursery nurse and we would never send a child home in these circumstances, nor ask them to leave the Nursery, that is awful. I can understand the child minder as it must be difficult being on your own but a nursery setting should be able to manage.
It is very common for some children to be unsettled and cry and it is our job to settle them in and help them.
I do think he has learned that perseverance gets Mum to come.
Find a new nursery who have experience in this, (they all should) and stipulate that they mustn't call just for crying.
If you can I would have him in 5 mornings or afternoons a week for 4 weeks, you and dh could use leave/parental leave between you to try and facilitate this. Then try full days and hopefully by then he will be settled and you can switch the days to suit your jobs.

I don’t think you have done anything wrong at all, some children are just like this. My friends DS has always been the same, he has never settled in any childminder or nursery setting, he’s really really clingy, he’s due to start school in September, he is a September baby so will be one of the oldest in the class, he’s been better recently and got older siblings in the school. Luckily it’s a small village school so he knows a lot of the children, my friends still braced for the fall out though. It has nothing to do with being round other children, he has 3 older siblings and 1 younger, has been around other children not just his siblings constantly, but still won’t leave his mums side. They live on a farm and he will happily wonder off on his own not caring where his mum is at home but if he’s taken anywhere else, including his dads house he will have a meltdown until he’s picked up.

If you can’t give up work then the only suggestion I have is find another setting where he has a key worker who is able to spend time with him and where they won’t give up on him. Also don’t say goodbye to him. My DD would have meltdowns, not to this extreme. I use to go in with her and the staff would distract her, as soon as she was distracted I’d leave. I use to watch her through a window, when she noticed I’d left it was too late to have the meltdown, sometimes she’d cry but by the time I’d taken my other dd to her room and was leaving she stopped. If she saw me leaving though it would take almost an hour to settle her. My youngest was the same, but I do think the setting may have been an issue with her as when I moved her to a new nursery she never had any problems, covid prevented us taking her in so it was a very quick drop off, no issues, she’d say she didn’t want to go but then run through the door.

Even if we take him on family days out, or shopping etc within 20 mins he's saying home and tearing up. It's like his safe place. He does it regardless of whether we're both there. He isn't happy unless he's at home, but he does just need to realise he can't always be at home. I'm not trying to sound unsympathetic towards him, of course it breaks my heart but from what I'm seeing it isn't that he isn't happy in childcare, it's that he isn't happy away from home in general. It's something we massively need to work on. We're moving house in a couple of weeks so it's going to get worse before it gets better as he's not even going to have the home he loves so much much longer.

Would a nursery let you go in with your son and spend the day there with him as a helper? Maybe for 5 days. Each day gradually leaving him there for short periods to begin with (make up an errand like must go buy some milk and come back after 10 mins etc.). Maybe even both of you go to the nursery on your day off so he gets a full week there with you. You can see who his friends are and what favourite toys are. I appreciate there may be safeguarding issues with this idea but you could have a police check done so nursery are happy for you to be there for a week... Just a thought. You could help nursery out with a project of some kind while you are there.

So sorry you are going through this. Must be hard.

If it helps anxiety for my girls at nursery was definitely better when they went for 3 days. The gap between nursery and home was too long when only going 2 days.

Nursery sounds rubbish

My youngest was like this, he was deeply unhappy at child minded, and deeply unhappy at nursery. I then kept him home until 2.5, then sent him to playgroup for mornings only

It was very tough, he cried very long. But his key worker was excellent and told me some kids are just like this, that his attachment to me was a positive thing, that children who are very attached to a parent often grow up to be confident outgoing children who can form secure attachments with others (friends) and that it was a matter of patience

She was right

Also, my DS was not autistic or had any additional needs. He was just very attached to me when young

Some kids are just like this, and they need person (key worker) who gets this.

The difference between playgroup abd nursery was huge. Nursery was money making business, playgroup was about the child and their development

Hope you can work it out

@BeyondHopee

I don't have professional qualifications that's why I'm so against giving up my job. I've worked my way up and got really lucky to get a promotion a few months ago and if I quit I won't get back in at the same level. No one would suggest DH quits, I keep getting told to be a stay at home mum but my job and my mental health is a factor here too. I struggled with maternity leave, I live away from family and friends and was so isolated, I finally have a job I enjoy with a great team and I'm in a better place. I need to find a plan that doesn't involve me giving that up.

JellyCatsPyjamas has some really good suggestions upthread

@user1471523870

No solutions here, however I have a two year old myself, who goes to nursery full time Mon-Fri. 95% of the time he's happy to go and waives bye-bye from the door. The only times he's reluctant is when he spends a prolonged amount of time with us (holidays, long breaks, illness). I am a bit surprised nursery calls you to pick him up vs trying different techniques/suggesting how to make him settle better.

If I was you I would change nursery and try to adjust my schedule for few consecutive days in every week.

I was about to suggest that if you giving up your job is not a good plan then actually, can your DH take a sabbatical/career break? Even if it is just temporary? It sounds like you have been the one to be managing this so far, and sometimes just a temporary break to reset can be helpful. Your DH takes some leave and you all take a breather for a little bit? If his employer values him this should be possible, and whilst I know this will disrupt finances it might be worth exploring.

One way or another the solution to this will cost financially, but the good news is he is changing every day at this age, and it is not forever.