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Kicked out of childcare again. 2yo. Desperate for help.

255 replies

BeyondHopee · 07/06/2021 10:46

My son was with a childminder for five months, never settled, cried all day to go home so they gave us notice. We started him in a nursery, same situation, four months later and they've given us notice. What do I do? Keep trying different settings? I've missed so much work picking him up all the time it's a miracle I still have a job. If I have to go through all the settling in half days again, and miss more work, I probably won't. I can't afford to quit my job and be at home with him, I love my job and I don't want to lose it. What do I do? Has anyone experienced this? I just don't think he will be happy anywhere but home, but he has to be somewhereSad

OP posts:
Howmanysleepsnow · 07/06/2021 11:23

My DS was like this at school nursery (aged 3y 0m, so a bit older). He’d cry for an hour or two, then lie in the corner and not speak for a couple of hours, maybe listen to a story in the afternoon... They never called me to collect him. After about 8 weeks he’d join in a bit after a few hours, by 4-5 months he was down to an hour crying, and by the end of the year he cried because it was the summer holidays and he missed school! Find a nursery willing to persevere and not call you. He’ll get there.
Fwiw, when I asked my ds why he didn’t like school he was confused. He said he loved school. I asked why he cried. “Because I love school but I love you even more.”
He’s now nearly 8, still loves school (and me) but has been going in happily since the end of nursery and is perfectly happy and well balanced.

Orangeinmybluelightcup · 07/06/2021 11:25

I agree with @AnyFucker I think he needs to develop a one on one relationship with someone, a childminder or a nanny. Low numbers of other kids. Time to work on developing a relationship. Or a different nursery, some do have very different vibes to others. You'll need someone/somewhere who will persevere. Really difficult situation for you all. But there aren't really any other practical options are there.

Fluffycloudland77 · 07/06/2021 11:26

I can’t believe they call you out of work because he’s crying. How do they think you make the money to pay for them?.

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BeyondHopee · 07/06/2021 11:27

His childminder was lovely but just couldn't deal with him and the other kids, he distracted her from them. I can't find a childminder who has time for one on one. There's 4 nannies on childcare.com where I live and they seem to be all be university students who aren't available for full days and still charge £10-12 an hour. It's just not possible, I don't think he's going to be able to have one on one, he's going to have to adapt but it's just not happeningSad

OP posts:
Orangeinmybluelightcup · 07/06/2021 11:28

I don't agree that he knows he can cry and eventually they'll call you. To be that level of reasoning with undertones of manipulation is beyond a 2yo.

KillerFlamingo · 07/06/2021 11:30

If you hardly earn anything anyway then maybe take a year off and you'll save the money from nursery fees and travelling to work. You might have to cut back a bit but in a year, your DS will have changed and might be a bit more confident.
You can usually go to church playgroups for very little money and there's lots of free stuff to do, library etc.
2 is very young, especially after this crazy year, some little ones just need a bit more time.

Fluffycloudland77 · 07/06/2021 11:30

Are you tempted to say you’re coming then not go?.

OhTheTastyNuts · 07/06/2021 11:30

Would it work better to move his nursery days all together? So Mon to Weds at nursery, rather than a day at nursery then a day at home? He might settle better that way.

My son (now age 11) had extreme separation anxiety. He hated being away from me. Neither nursery or a Nanny share worked for us so I ended up taking voluntary redundancy from work. He was later assessed as having autism (we were told there was no point in an assessment when he was pre school age, but his pre school behaviours were discussed and contributed to the diagnosis he received age 8).

BeyondHopee · 07/06/2021 11:32

To take more time off would mean quitting my job which I worked my arse off to get. I live rurally and have no idea if I'd find anything suitable again. Sad

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endofthelinefinally · 07/06/2021 11:33

@Orangeinmybluelightcup

I don't agree that he knows he can cry and eventually they'll call you. To be that level of reasoning with undertones of manipulation is beyond a 2yo.
I agree. Expressing distress and anxiety is not manipulation at the age of 2. Some children find the noise and bustle of nursery overwhelming. You have been unlucky OP. I agree with others that a childminder in a gentle environment would be better. I hope you can find someone.
BeyondHopee · 07/06/2021 11:35

He was with a childminder in a lovely home from home setting for months and she couldn't cope with the hours of crying before he (sometimes) settled. I was advised to try a nursery as it's a totally different environment and maybe he'd find that more suitable. I can go and find another childminder but it'll just be the same as before Sad

OP posts:
Orangeinmybluelightcup · 07/06/2021 11:37

Can you tap up the nursery staff to see if there is anyone you can poach to be a nanny. Worked for someone I know!

TeenTitan007 · 07/06/2021 11:39

He needs 4 consecutive days to settle better at nursery. When mine went in the nursery always advised this. He needs more % time there than at home to make the nursery his new home. Fragmented sessions are unsettling.

PinkPlantCase · 07/06/2021 11:39

I actually wonder if more days at nursery would help. It would give him more of a routine and more time to build relationships with staff and other children.

Even if he doesn’t have SEN it might be worth looking for a nursery that is well experienced with SEN as some of the strategies they use for other children might work for your DS.

Orangeinmybluelightcup · 07/06/2021 11:39

You're stuck between a rock and a hard place my lovely. Your only options are you or partner quit work, reduce hours further, find a different nursery or childminder or look into someone to look after your dc at home. I know you know that.

MildredPuppy · 07/06/2021 11:46

My son really struggled at nursery and it was tge lack of routine for him. Every day was different, this day was nursery, this day was mum, this day was dad, this day was nursery.
He settled in so much better when he did 5 days a week but they were short days. Then every day was the same.

SoddingWeddings · 07/06/2021 11:47

Can you switch the day you are all together for one of you to work?
From what you describe, you have one day with him, his dad has one day, and there's a third you're both off - can this be moved so 4/5 days are covered?

INeedNewShoes · 07/06/2021 11:49

I've been in a similar situation but fortunately I am self-employed so could just work in the evenings/nights in between childcare settings when I had to move DD.

She started with a highly recommended childminder at 8 months and never really settled. I gave notice when it became clear that the situation was upsetting everyone - my DD, the CM, the CM's other children and me. Very stressful. Childminder still thinks DD is a problem child or something, years down the line!

I then put DD in a nursery and at first things were pretty good. Then she moved up a room and just looked like a rabbit in headlights at every drop off and they were rarely going outside even on nice days and eventually my conscience won out and I took her out of that nursery.

Third time lucky for us - DD has been at her current nursery for over 18m and is happy. They keep the children busy with engaging activities and they spend tons of time outside. The staff are energetic and enthusiastic. It is just such a warm environment and the staff aren't fazed by children who are upset at drop off (DD never is, but friends of hers are but within minutes of going in they forget their upset). This setting has suited DD really well. She's still relatively shy/quiet in big groups of children but she is content and finally I feel like not only is her childcare ok, but she is actually benefitting hugely from being there.

I suppose my point is to persevere. It's too early to assume that your DS has social issues or whatever. It is perfectly possible that whatever childcare setting you try next will be the right one for him.

BeyondHopee · 07/06/2021 11:50

@SoddingWeddings

Can you switch the day you are all together for one of you to work? From what you describe, you have one day with him, his dad has one day, and there's a third you're both off - can this be moved so 4/5 days are covered?
Yes this is what we did originally and we switched it for an extra day in childcare as we were told that might help him settle
OP posts:
Fiestyfish · 07/06/2021 11:51

What’s he like when you leave him with other family members or friends? If he settles with them could it be the other children/noise he struggles with? Have you spoken to your HV? It sounds really hard Sad

BeyondHopee · 07/06/2021 11:53

@Fiestyfish

What’s he like when you leave him with other family members or friends? If he settles with them could it be the other children/noise he struggles with? Have you spoken to your HV? It sounds really hard Sad
He's ok with my mum, will cry for home or me/daddy for a bit but snaps out of it eventually. He is definitely overwhelmed by other kids, he's never been around any due to lockdown/no baby groups so it is something he needs to get used to. He went to the childminder one day a week for a few months, we then moved it to two as he wasn't getting used to other kids/the setting. When we started nursery we kept at two days and recently moved up to three. I keep waiting for it to just click but it isn't Sad
OP posts:
Nousernameforme · 07/06/2021 11:54

Why has he been give notice at nursery? Is it just because of the not settling?
I would have you or your partner phone round all the nurseries local to you explain the issues your dc has and what experience do they have with children who have severe separation anxiety/are difficult to settle. Just because one doesn't work doesnt mean they all won't be suitable. Re the settling in days DP will have to take some dependency leave as well so you are not both shouldering all of it with work

Jellycatspyjamas · 07/06/2021 11:54

It’s awful when they won’t settle, and for most of his life he’s been confined to home so the usual activities that would help him develop haven’t happened. He sounds really overwhelmed being away from you, I wonder if strategies we use with adopted children might help you?

Things like having a transitional object (a cuddle toy, comforter or the like) that you sleep with, so it smells like you to take to nursery. Or giving him something to look after for you until you come and pick him up, or you having something that you look after for him. What you’re aiming for is for him to know that when you leave, you come back again - and that you continue to exist when you’re away from him. Where attachments are insecure (ie children can’t bear to be away from you) it’s sometimes because they don’t have a sense of permanence ie that when you’re not physically with them, you stop existing in their mind.

My DS was a bit older than yours but he’d give me a cuddle toy if I went away for work. I’d send him photos of me and the cuddle toy doing things together etc.

I’d also talk a lot about how much I’d miss him, be thinking about him, what I’d be doing while he was at nursery, what he’d be doing at nursery etc. When I picked him up I’d be chatting about how much I missed him, what I’d been doing, what he was doing. I’d also start the day talking about what we’d do once nursery was finished, to reinforce the idea that I was coming back and that we’d be doing things together.

Also worth playing Theraplay type games with him (if you google there are loads of resources). They are very simple games aimed at building a secure attachment which is what he needs to be able to tolerate being without you - ie an internal model of knowing that people leave and come back again.

Work with the new childcare setting to have a very stable routine for him arriving and you leaving, so he always knows what happens at nursery, that will reduce his stress and help him cope. Lots of predictable, routine care so that he always knows what’s coming next.

I’m not at all surprised he’s struggling but please don’t think he’s trying to manipulate you or get his own way, at that age he’s just trying to feel safe, and he feels safe with you. The trick is to help him feel safe when you’re not there. Hang in there, I’ve done the “need to work, child not coping” thing - it’s very hard going.

Greenmarmalade · 07/06/2021 11:56

I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong at all.

I don’t think your child is manipulating anyone- I think he is distressed. I would go back to the GP and ask for another referral. Insist on it. Health visitors aren’t well trained or experts in special needs, so don’t pay too much attention to what they say.

In the meantime, what can you adjust in your work life between you and your husband? Could you then get more benefits?

DarlingWithoutYou · 07/06/2021 12:03

The nursery should be ashamed of themselves.

Find a new one, explain what's been happening and that you know he's manipulating and really need them to keep him all day.

I'm sorry you're going through this. DS went through something similar around 2 and nursery would tell me he screamed til he was sick in the morning, but perked up in the afternoon. They never once called me and were totally unphased by it! It's their job!

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