DS (17) has been unloading the dishwasher for nearly an hour

[reallyneedmoresleep]

...and I think I'm about to explode. He was supposed to do it yesterday, but didn't. The rest of the family is playing hardball and we've let all the dirty dishes build up rather than do his chore (singular!!!) for him. After being asked about four times this morning, he's finally getting on with it.

He's doing it whilst watching youtube videos on his phone. He's had a break to go to the loo. He's had a break to have a drink. He's had a break to find some hayfever tablets. The top layer is now empty, but the bottom layer still needs emptying and the dishwasher reloading.

He's just left the kitchen for five minutes because he needs to wipe his nose.

Please tell me I'm teaching him life skills and being a better mother than one who's just do it myself?

I'm trying to sit at the kitchen table and do some work but I can feel my temper rising, which, I know, will help nothing.

If he’s 17, I would expect him to be doing more than unloading and reloading the dishwasher. We had the ‘you’re all a part of this family’ rule so everyone was expected to help it run properly whether that be emptying the bins if you saw they are full, sorting the recycling, put on the washing machine, hoovering, changing beds, cooking etc. He could be off to Uni shortly and will need to do much more without being on his phone every five minutes

Outline the time frame in advance. “Dishwasher please - it takes me 5 minutes so I’m giving you 10 and after that the wifi goes off - ready, set, go”. Then walk out and leave him to it.

Because any water that has inadvertently collected in the items you remove from the top layer will drop onto the previously dry items on the bottom layer, which will then need to be dried manually.

We pull out the top layer, and leave the bottom layer where it is?? Water drops on the open door

He's finished! The dishwasher has been emptied and reloaded and he's disappeared back to his room "for revision".

If only he'd turned the bllody thing on....

I have always wondered if my DS was alone in his ability to watch you tube simultaneously while carrying out virtually any other activity, it’s reassuring that it is normal behaviour. DS is quite convinced it is multitasking.

@2021Vision

Let him get on with it however this clearly isn't hitting him where it hurts. He is using this tactic so you won't ask him again (where and how do men learn this?).

Anyway next time he wants/needs something mirror his actions, do it really really slowly. So say he doesn't drive and needs you to take him somewhere, spend ages finding your keys, have a drink, go to the loo etc all at a snails pace. Only when they experience the consequences do they get it in my experience.

This is so true!

Thanks for all the support and sorry for typos. Now to get DS2 to empty the bins.

If he’s a classic teen and likes his early mornings, I would wake him up at 6, every time he fails to do this.

When I say I would, I really meanI would get DH to do this has I don’t get up before 8.

I’d be tempted to mock him mercilessly, maybe time him, get a foghorn, write the score up on the fridge etc. Anything to see if he can do it faster.

@cauliflowersqueeze

Outline the time frame in advance. “Dishwasher please - it takes me 5 minutes so I’m giving you 10 and after that the wifi goes off - ready, set, go”. Then walk out and leave him to it.

Good tactic!

Stand firm. He's trying it on in the hope you'll get riled, shoo him out and never ask him again.

Seen plenty of women on here complain about their husbands/boyfriends who they think deliberately do things badly around the house to try and get out if it in the future.

My younger teen does it in 5 minutes. Don't let him get away with it!

It's painful.
I've left it for 4 days before mine would even attempt to do it, in a bad temper. And then he takes ages about it.

@Nancylovesthecock oh that’s what I used to think. 8 and 5 oh the naivety

Don't lose your temper, laugh at him. Mockery tends to be much harder for a 6 year old to take than shouting. Announce when you're all together that he took exactly 2 hours 23 minutes (or whatever it might have been) to do a 5 minute job, and tomorrow his goal can be under 2 hours.

And call him down to switch the thing on if he hasn't done that.

I would turn the WiFi off and tell him to get the fuck on with it but then I'm a hard ass and my kids at 5 and 8 help to clean up everyday

Oh bless

They all start as adorable little helpers who want to please and fetch and carry on request.

Then at about 13 they go to bed and wake up in full TeenMode™️ They still do sweet and adorable things on occasion but invariably leave the mess to be cleared up by an actual adult

Your teen is awake and up ?

To be fair he does do a fairly good job of the dishwasher (also is 'job)

Though if you ask "can you put a tablet in the dishwasher you also have to specify "switch it on please"

Anyway next time he wants/needs something mirror his actions, do it really really slowly. So say he doesn't drive and needs you to take him somewhere, spend ages finding your keys, have a drink, go to the loo etc all at a snails pace. Only when they experience the consequences do they get it in my experience.

Ooh, I like this option. Make sure you do all of this whilst watching YouTube.

Glad it's done.
For future reference, imho, For gods sake, don't engage beyond the basic request, don't micromanage.

One trait you should have in huge abundance more than him is patience. Outwait him. Don't time him, don't chat, don't make obvious you observing his procrastination, don't engage emotionally. Don't waste your emotional energy.

Do not give him a reward of conflict or emotional payoff with any of that.

If it takes 3 hours, then you outwait him. It will get done. He will crack before you do, deciding he gains nothing by dragging the time out. Do this every time.

I would sneak in in the morning and steal his phone/ps controller etc and hold them ransom until he wakes up and does his chores

My girls are similar, it's not a boy thing. Oldest's latest excuse is the dirty plates make her feel like vomiting. Doesn't mind seeing them sitting in her room for days though.....

No, little willing helpers don't turn into teenage helpers....

Nancylovescock
We were all tough when they were 5 & 8. It’s a different level of parenting at 16+.
On the one hand they expect you to treat them as an adult but they can tantrum like a three year old. And nobody does sarcasm and passive aggressive like a mid teen.
Kevin and Perry is a must see for anyone whose children are heading towards 15.
Make the most of the next 5 yrs your time will come. 🤣

@Nancylovesthecock

I would turn the WiFi off and tell him to get the fuck on with it but then I'm a hard ass and my kids at 5 and 8 help to clean up everyday. 5 year old tidied this morning whilst their sibling hoovered and I washed up. You need to start them early people to create ingrained habits!

Oh dear, the naivety

I feel your pain, last week it took dd1(19) and dd2(15) over 1+1/2 hours to put 2 loads of washing on the line. i I just plonked myself in front of the telly and ignored all the huffing and puffing

Da 18 is the same. Dh often complains it takes so long and starts helping. I tell him to let Ds get on with it or he'll never get quicker

I hope you called him back to turn it on! Only doing half a job isn’t good enough.

@PegasusReturns

I would turn the WiFi off and tell him to get the fuck on with it but then I'm a hard ass and my kids at 5 and 8 help to clean up everyday

Oh bless

They all start as adorable little helpers who want to please and fetch and carry on request.

Then at about 13 they go to bed and wake up in full TeenMode™️ They still do sweet and adorable things on occasion but invariably leave the mess to be cleared up by an actual adult

13? Jealous! Mine mutated from toddler to teenager at about 7.

At 10, we've been living the Kevin Washes The Car for years already

Broken record. Stick to the outcome you want. Don't get diverted.
So glad I taught teenagers for a decade before reproducing!