Honestly - what are your plans for housing when you get older?

[Chicchicchicchiclana]

Slightly inspired by another thread but not a TAAT.

I see so many threads on Mumsnet where elderly parents do not want to move out of a house or home that is no longer suitable for them. My own 90 year old mother is in this situation. Although she lives in a bungalow it has front and back gardens that she hasn't been able to maintain for about 10 years and if anything goes wrong in the house either my brother or I have to sort it for her. She needs her bathroom converting now. We've overseen a new boiler and kitchen refurb, sourcing all the materials and workmen and keeping her company while work is going on - even though we both live quite a distance away.

The time for her to have moved to sheltered accommodation would have been about 5 years ago, but she didn't want to do it "because of the effort/stress".

My pledge to my children I make here and now is that I will face facts and do the right thing re. downsizing before I get too old for it.

Why don't some of the older generation get it? I know it's a form of denial and I know people can passionately love their houses and all the memories they represent, but why didn't they think about it before?

I don't mean to sound heartless and unkind. But have you thought about it (maybe 60ish plus) and what are your plans?

No I don't think elderly people should just do as they're told, what I'm trying to say is their preferences cannot be catered for!

You might want to read that an see what an insane and contradictory statement it is. As long as property is in private ownership and we live in a democracy, of course our preferences can be catered for!

@Chicchicchicchiclana

It amazes me that anyone of 55 would want to live in one of those retirement complexes. The vast majority of 55 year olds I know face at least another 10 years at work! Talk about being old before your time.

I think those places are great when you're maybe 75+.

The one near me has a restaurant, beauty salon, gym and swimming pool, bowling alley, recreation rooms where they have loads of events! I wish I could bloody live there!

@menomary

KarmaNoMore and others who are saying they plan to sell up and downsize when older to gift the proceeds of their current house to the children ... would the money not be hugely taxed though? I thought you could only gift about £3k a year

You can give the current FY and previous FY gift (if not used) plus if you have 2 parents they can each do that. So very easy to £12,000 tax free to an adult child.

The one near me has a restaurant, beauty salon, gym and swimming pool, bowling alley, recreation rooms where they have loads of events! I wish I could bloody live there!

Can only imagine what the site fees are.

So very easy to £12,000 tax free to an adult child

And considerably more if you take care to live for seven years afterwards.

@FakeColinCaterpillar

On the flip side I know a couple in their 80s who have downsized considerable from a massive house to a bungalow. Unfortunately it’s a 100 miles away where they have one set of friends (also elderly) and no support network. There are far fewer hospitals and facilities. I’m not sure it’s a positive move.

There are a load of bungalows that are relatively affordable in areas like that, very few services, underfunded and limited transport, low employment opportunities so family probably won't be living around there, etc.

@blossomtoes - I think by 'their preferences cannot be catered for!' might be referring to the desire an awful lot of elderly people seem to have to stay in their own family homes and have their children deal with all their care, house maintenance, shopping, taxi-ing to hospital appointments because they can't/won't use public transport and so on.

That might be their preference, but it certainly is not the preference of many adult children (mainly daughters) who are expected to provide all the care and support to elderly parents living in unsuitable places (expected by the parents themselves, but also by wider family, social services etc).

Like I said in my earlier post, I am unwillingly dealing with the consequences of my parents' making that choice (or rather, avoiding the hard choice to downsize to somewhere more suitable when they were still able to), but I am not going to put my children through it.

Wasn't the original post regarding plans we might make for the future, rather than being a squabble about whether older people should all be moved unwillingly from their homes?
But as the thread seems to have gone that way, I think that older people should certainly be able to make choices, but, it's worth considering that by doing so, in many cases they are unwillingly forcing the decision onto family members, who then have to carry the load.
Not so bad if you can throw money at the problem of course. My mother (only surviving member of our family in the generation above) is wealthy, and moved to a large bungalow with a beautiful garden, and has had work done to make it accessible, plus employs a cleaner and a gardener. She also has a tame handyman/plumber/electrician. Money does really make a difference. She's also chosen a very grand nursing home for if and when the time comes.

@osbertthesyrianhamster I should say they sold their house for 2 million. Money isn’t an issue. They just wanted to move somewhere they used to go on day trips and liked.
I think it would have been a good idea if they had done it when they retired 20 years ago.

Couldn't agree more @exexpat. We cross posted.

*unwittingly

We're about to move to a bigger house, but in 15-20 years, we don't need it. I know I won't be able to maintain it after dh dies(he's older; it's inevitable), so I'll want to move somewhere manageable.

There is a massive shortage of 3 beds where I live. My parents are in one. They cannot look after it. If they moved to a smaller one, it would free up their house for a family of 4-6 and they'd be able to cope.

I'm 60 and we've planned on moving to a bungalow in about 5/7 years or so. Better to do it when you can, rather than when you must.
We've got a lot of retirement flats here which you can move into at 55, but I'd never live there at that age, as a previous pp said it ages you living in with "old" people (no offense to anyone living in one!)
When the first one was built, it was at the time when women retired at 60 (quite a while ago) so for the time it was great, but with people now working longer and being "younger" longer it isn't necessarily ideal for people of that age.
Where we live there's a lot of bungalows so hopefully we'll find one when needed. If not, we've got this house set up with a downstairs shower room and toilet, room for a stair lift if needed but I'd really miss our neighbours! Mind you, there's a mix of housing in our cul de sac so possibly we'd not have to move far.

Oh how we laughed when my dad moved into a retirement flat in his fit, active early 70s. Bingo jokes aplenty, even the taxi driver said to him 'who are you visiting today then?'.

But that flat is bloody brilliant. My stylish, design conscious dad has made it into a cosy, minimalist eyrie which I am frankly jealous of. No maintenance, no security worries, warm in winter, a lift to each floor.

He was relieved to leave our beloved, ramshackle family home as it threatened ever increasing horrors from the roof to the floor joists. Let some other bugger worry about that now.

The flat is in the heart of a cultured part of Edinburgh, with a bus stop right outside. He never has to move again, unless he ever needs residential care.

I genuinely can't wait to live somewhere like that. I'd do it now in all honesty but they only sell them to the over 65s :)

We plan on staying in our current housing association house for as long as possible and then transferring to one of their bungalows.

We're in that currently with elderly intransigent parents. It's really hard not to view them as being incredibly self centered. to all going through similar.

I fully accept that I will feel differently when the time comes, but my plan is to downsize at 60ish along with going part time at work to free up time to declutter.

Only fly in the ointment is where to move to. Want to be walkable to public transport, shops etc but that would probably mean a flat. Ideally a 3 bed plus garage. We currently live in a highly desirable school catchment area so wouldn't need to be tied to that.

Any money we free up (which we should, going on today's prices) would be split between getting said flat done up with walk in shower, decent kitchen etc, some to top up pension, perhaps a camper van and if there's any left - to the kids for deposits.

Got it all planned. First time I've ever had a life plan... Guaranteed it won't work like that though!

Ultimately if I become so frail that I can’t manage an indoor staircase, then I highly doubt I’ll want to be here anymore. Already in my 50s I suffer pain issues and I can only imagine how much everything will hurt in later life. I have no interest in staying alive just to have meals on wheels and sit in front of the tv all day. Having a carer come in to help me wash. Horrific. To me that’s no life. I appreciate others may not feel the same but that’s how I feel.

I have no partner. I had my DC young so when I’m 80 they’ll be 60 (all being well) and I don’t want to outlive them. I’ve already had the discussion with them about this and, while they don’t really like to think of it, they understand what I’m saying. There will come an age where if I’m diagnosed with something like cancer I just won’t have treatment. That’s exactly what my grandmother did in her 80s. I was sad but I understood.

Yes something could happen to scupper my plans but I’ll cross that bridge if I come to it.

who are expected to provide all the care and support to elderly parents living in unsuitable places
they can expect all they like but once we reach a tipping point where too many of us have seen this play out:
elderly parents who are just draining their lives
more and more of us in our 50's and 60's will just say 'nope, not getting involved'

OioiioiioQ I'm saying no. I watched my mum put herself second to my dad, to us and then to her dad. Now she has dementia. I already work too many hours to even see my kids that much. I'm not going down that route.

My grandparents were fit until their shortlived final illness in hospital, so it didn't cone up. I'm not that attached to my home so I'd be ok about moving to a supported flat of some sort

I tried to get my aunt and uncle to move into a bungalow in their 70s
They would’nt
My aunt with early dementia was left on her own aged 85
18 months later in a care home as she couldn’t manage her house

I’m in a nice easy bungalow and I’m staying put till my wooden overcoat arrives

@uell
Sadly if you need care it will eat into children’s inheritance
My aunt paid £125k for 5 years in care and my mum £95k

These weren’t rich people
They just happened to own a house

Not expensive house either £125k and £60k
Somehow I managed to jiggle their finances so the bills got paid and the houses saved for me to inherit
Luckily I’d kept them in good condition and could rent them but they still fell well short of the bills

Fortunately it’s cheaper up north
In london it’s costing my aunt £72k ... per year 😱

I live semi rurally in a v large house which I struggle to keep on top of even now. When we get to our 70's we plan to downsize to a small property in a city location (Salisbury or Winchester) so that we are closer to amenities and don't need to drive. If dh pops his clogs I would live in a retirement community (in my own apartment but with communal areas) to avoid loneliness - the scourge of the elderly

Realistically though, how much should we plan to put aside should we need care/nursing home?

We shouldnt be surprised that as people get older they are increasingly unwilling to undergo major upheavals such as moving to more suitable accommodation. Instead we need to make it the norm to plan strategically for the issues that we will face as we age.
Most of all we need govts to take this seriously, it's not ok to leave families to muddle through impossible and distressing situations.
It's bad for everyone and a bad use of resources.