Honestly - what are your plans for housing when you get older?

[Chicchicchicchiclana]

Slightly inspired by another thread but not a TAAT.

I see so many threads on Mumsnet where elderly parents do not want to move out of a house or home that is no longer suitable for them. My own 90 year old mother is in this situation. Although she lives in a bungalow it has front and back gardens that she hasn't been able to maintain for about 10 years and if anything goes wrong in the house either my brother or I have to sort it for her. She needs her bathroom converting now. We've overseen a new boiler and kitchen refurb, sourcing all the materials and workmen and keeping her company while work is going on - even though we both live quite a distance away.

The time for her to have moved to sheltered accommodation would have been about 5 years ago, but she didn't want to do it "because of the effort/stress".

My pledge to my children I make here and now is that I will face facts and do the right thing re. downsizing before I get too old for it.

Why don't some of the older generation get it? I know it's a form of denial and I know people can passionately love their houses and all the memories they represent, but why didn't they think about it before?

I don't mean to sound heartless and unkind. But have you thought about it (maybe 60ish plus) and what are your plans?

I just had a look at rightmove for my local area, and there are several nice little 2 bed bungalows with amenities suitable for ageing in. They are in a new small estate for 'retirement living'. You have to be over 60. There is parking plus a little garden, is easily accessible and has a wet room. It's not a million miles from the rest of civilisation, and actually I could see us living there. It's also up for less than my 2 bed house, so we could buy it and be mortgage free. I could be very tempted buy it in 10 years time, or sooner if one of us were to be windowed or become disabled. It's the first time I have seen anything we could afford.

@SpiderinaWingMirror

We have a decent bus service into two towns, where we can pick up trains to go to London, whilst we still have our legs under us.

One of the reasons it’s so difficult to find a smaller property to downsize to is what feels like an obsession with extending. It’s having a real impact on the supply of smaller houses.

My mortgage deal was coming to an end so I was seriously considering downsizing and go mortgage free. What made me forget about the plan was the announcement of the 95% mortgages, it creates a huge demand for the houses in the price bracket I was looking into and, high demand brings higher prices. So I am staying in my big house for a good few more years as there is not much money to save by moving now.

Interestingly, my friend inherited a little 2 bedroom flat at the seaside in a period property. It was valued at £90,000 just over 2 years ago. A similar, but in worse condition, flat next door has just sold for £157,000.

My in laws live in a bungalow but it's set on an elevated site with quite a steep slope up to it. They are both becoming increasingly frail and require frequent hospital visits which are 15 miles away. There is precious little in their village and shops are too far away for them to walk to.

We are 75 miles away and other family even further away. We've tried to suggest they move into a retirement complex or smaller bungalow in the town where the hospital is, but it's fallen on deaf ears so far. It's really difficult to help people who are struggling but don't appear to want to do anything about it.

@GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER I agree about things going downhill when people move somewhere unfamiliar when they are already getting old.
It's why I think we'll look at moving sooner rather than later. I've cared for people in houses similar to mine, and it's perfectly possible to have a bed downstairs plus a comode (and a carer to empty it) I think I'd personally prefer to let a family to have my house, and move somewhere purpose built.
It's very interesting to read the responses on this thread. Quite thought provoking.

Meanwhile I am at the beck and call of my mum who has dementia and has isolated herself off in a house in the middle of nowhere and is becoming more and more demanding. She never experienced this with her parents, but I refuse to enforce this on my DCs, I absolutely intend to go to a retirement flat in my 60s
Obviously it's great that you intend to do the sensible and responsible thing, but this could also mean that you will be living in retirement accommodation but still caring for your parent living in the middle of nowhere 😳

@Wegobshite

My dads in this situation He’s just got out of a 9 weeks stay in hospital and is now 7 weeks into A rehab stay Came home for 30 mins this week to see if he could manage living back at home Couldn’t get over the step had to be taken into the house in a wheelchair was completely wiped out Decided that he would go into a residential home his rehab worker and OT agreed . My dad saw the fucking social worker today and she is encouraging him to go home with “ family help “ and a care package I’ve told her to fuck right off with “ family help” there will be absolutely no family help if my dad comes home . If he falls over at 3am because he’s decided he wants to have a shower then it will be an ambulance arriving and not me . My sister and I are in agreement My father falls 3-4 times a week even in the rehab and needed a hoist and 4 people to get him up the other day after falling in the shower . He won’t always take his meds Can barely walk only has use of one hand and can barley see . Constant chest infections . He likes to have 4 plus showers a day and the house is falling down around him . He won’t throw anything out .

Social worker wants to meet me at my dads house so she can look at the house and assess it .
She suggested him having a lodger
I told her that the only type of lodger that would live in my dads house would need to be as fucking desperate & stupid as she and my father are and that the only thing I want from her is her name where I make a complaint about her if she thinks my father can live safely and reliably at home .
He can’t even manage in the rehab center .
I made it perfectly clear that I would not be assisting my father in his plans of returning home and that I didn’t want to her to ring me again if this was the case
She wouldn’t listen to anything I said despite me knowing my father all of my life so I see no reason to assist her or my father in coming home
If he comes home he will be back in hospital within a week or so
So I’m having SFA to do with it
And breath 😂😂😂

That's terrible, why push being at home, the care home is much better. Hold strong. You've got this!

Unfortunately, once the dreaded dementia rears its head, people who may not have been selfish or demanding before, can easily become incapable of understanding or appreciating anyone’s needs or wishes but their own. It’s not at all uncommon for such a person to tell a SW that they don’t need any help, because ‘my daughter will do all that.’

And of course many SWs will be happy to accept that, especially if the person would not be self funded.

In my experience if the person is self funded they’ll never see a social worker. The family will just be told to jog on and sort it out.

@Blossomtoes

In my experience if the person is self funded they’ll never see a social worker. The family will just be told to jog on and sort it out.

What if there is no family though?

No idea what happens if there’s no family. Those poor buggers are just left to rot, I suspect.

Which is why we should plan ahead for these things while we still can. Death is inevitable, and ageing too, unless you die young. It's not like anyone can prevent it by going into denial.
A good friend of mine has a much older husband, and no children. She's already making plans as she has nobody to rely on.
It's very sad that so many people just make it someone else's problem.

On the back of this thread I just looked up retirement develpoments in a 30 miles radius.
Tiny tiny flats / bungalows. No storage, no garage, no private garden.
They cost the same as I would get for my large four bed detached house.

@Blossomtoes, we were perfectly happy not to have to involve social workers with DM and FiL, both of whom had dementia that eventually needed 24/7 care. Both were self funded, and TBH we really didn’t need anyone who didn’t know them trying to tell us what their needs were, when we could see that perfectly well for ourselves.

In any case I’ve heard often enough of SWs, not to mention having experience of other professionals inc. GPs, who are pretty clueless when it comes to dementia. Even if they’ve had training, they still don’t understand the practical realities. So they say things like, ‘Well, if she can’t remember to take her medication, you could always write it down for her.’ Or, ‘You could phone to remind her.’
As if you were too bloody clueless to think of anything so simple.

No conception of the reality - I.e., even if they remembered to look at it in the first place, they’d forget what was written, or what you’d said, almost as soon as they’d turned their eyes away, or put the phone down.

Though I don’t mind admitting that we were equally clueless when new to it all, but then we’d had no training and weren’t expected to be advising anybody else.

We've lived in detatched bungalows most of our married life. We love them. Even when we lived abroad we had a single storey dwelling. Versatile and bigger plot.
When we returned to the UK in our mid 50s we purchased another bungalow, completely renovated it and still live here 10 years later and hope it will take us through to the end. We are surrounded by oldies most of whom still manage to live independently into their 90s. Mind you, I'm not adverse to moving again but it will have to be another bungalow, not too big and as close to a town as ours is.

She's already making plans as she has nobody to rely on
shouldnt we all do this? Anything less is just a deliberate sabotage of your adult children's lives...surely?

Exactly that. Sabotaging your adult children's lives. My mum didn't ever look after her parents but has expected me to be available for her for at least the last ten years. Day or night if she calls she expects me to jump. She was away having lovely holidays at my age.

She was away having lovely holidays at my age
mine were the same, if they think I'll be jumping...well they can whistle!
(You should invent an illness and escape....)

@QioiioiioQ yes exactly. I've said that in various posts, but that one was in response to whoever asked what happens to people without children

I will be staying exactly where I am
I've got a great little flat that gets the sun all afternoon, there's a lift and the steps are fairly few if that's out of order.
The part of town I live in is close to a few cafes and small supermarkets, no hills but lovely walks near the sea.
I'm only 30 but very happy here

@QioiioiioQ

Meanwhile I am at the beck and call of my mum who has dementia and has isolated herself off in a house in the middle of nowhere and is becoming more and more demanding. She never experienced this with her parents, but I refuse to enforce this on my DCs, I absolutely intend to go to a retirement flat in my 60s Obviously it's great that you intend to do the sensible and responsible thing, but this could also mean that you will be living in retirement accommodation but still caring for your parent living in the middle of nowhere 😳

Well my age no and the progressive nature of the disease makes it unlikely that she won’t at least be in residential care by then, however if it does come to that I will be in a place where there are agencies more readily available to me when it becomes too much (although it kind of already is too much right now.)

watching with interest; I want to split with my H, we are now late 50s/early 60s, not enough equity in our house for us to buy something each, what can we do - also still have on teen at home with SEN unlikely to be independent any time soon, plus the dog! Many people on here talk about having choices, I think that's the ideal isn't it - have a choice - I wish I have one!

I'm 48, a single mum to three teens... currently in a generous 4/5 bed detached house in a lovely village where I also work. I hanker after city living though and my plan (hope!) once kids have moved out is to sell this place and have sufficient pensions funds to retire or at least look for part time work and buy a nice ground floor flat in my favourite city, fully renovate it and spend a good 15-20 years there before considering sheltered living/ one way trip to Switzerland 🤞

I plan to remain in a house of my choosing using equity release and savings if need be to fund help as needed.

www.audleyvillages.co.uk/our-villages/stanbridge-earls#

I have my eye on this ^^