How to deal with 14yo son who I think is taking things too far with GF in our home

[freckles20]

My son is 14. He has a partner of the same age. During the last lockdown they used to meet outside and walk for hours sometimes alone and sometimes with other friends, then they met up in our garden, now she is coming over to our house.

I allowed them to be together in his room. Our home is totally open plan downstairs and it felt awkward with them downstairs and me politely trying to steer clear. I naively thought initially they were friends as the partner is non binary (they were born a girl). I was maybe stupid to think it was nice for them to 'hang out' in his room. It did make me happy to hear him chatting, laughing and being sociable.

DS struggled immensely during lockdown. He had previously been a happy and enthusiastic person with lots of interests. But he became a shadow of himself. He asked for help and received some counselling. The counsellor contacted me to say he was experiencing suicidal thoughts. Over the past 2-3 months he has gradually improved and it's been a joy to see.

I saw his partner as a part of his feeling better. I feel sure that the social isolation of lockdown was really harmful to him. I think I was blinkered and maybe should have been less lenient about her coming over.

We have a rule that the door stays open and all clothes stay on. I also pop into the room periodically. Today I went in and they were clearly doing more a lot more than cuddling.I don't think I need to go into too much detail. They were not having sex.

We have already spoken about safety, respect, the law etc etc..

I don't know what to do it how to manage this? Is really appreciate some perspectives of parents who have been through this stage.

I don't want to stop them meeting up, he seems so fragile and having this relationship has helped him. Equally I know I have a responsibility to keep them both safe.

Please don't flame me. It's hard sometimes to know what to do for the best.

How would you want this dealt with if you were the mother of the girl?

Sorry, that was in response to patty pan.

@Faultymain5

I didn't want to read and run. I'm not sure how much I can really help you hear as. At 14 for my son it was downstairs with guests. At 19 the door still needs to remain open.

What I will say from experience, is if the door is open you know what is going on, but they could easily go elsewhere where you have no idea.

I'd talk to them both about their responsibiilties.

Door open at 19??? What 😂

It’s against the law. Tell him that. And then why..explain that they are legally still children and therefore vulnerable to issues around consent- they and you may feel they are mature enough but the law is there to generally protect everyone. Tell him he could end up with a record. I know to scare mongering- but hey needs must.
Be careful about you laying down the law- you don’t need to, the law is there already. You can support them- they’ve been embarrassed once, if you say door stays open and keep dropping in as embarrassing mum they’ll be scared off. But there again, they will mess around somewhere else especially now evenings get warmer and outside is more appealing

If this kid is so emotionally fragile that you're afraid to enforce the house rules, what will happen in the (very likely) event that this teenage romance goes sour, or when anything else goes wrong?

I think a mental health professional should definitely be involved here and that they'd be best able to guide you.

I suppose a lot of 14 year olds do stuff like this but your son and his gf sound really immature. They can’t mentally handle anything like this yet.
Tbh the gf sounds like trouble.

@Moonwatcher1234 definitely agree OP needs to make sure he’s not feeling pressured. Maybe a conversation about porn is needed as well.

was complicated by him bursting into tears and saying he wanted to tell me that it was an experiment, a s he has decided he didn't enjoy it and it made him feel sick and he won't be doing it again. Sigh. I realise he probably made that up but calling him a liar won't help.

Or maybe, he was covering that it was the friend who was experimenting, didn't like it and felt sick so won't repeat but has forbidden him to tell you that. Either way it was a mortifying experience for him.

They are BOTH very vulnerable so I'm pretty sure at least one , probably both will be utterly relieved and grateful to be told they have to stay downstairs .

One of the roles of a parent, is to be a face-saving social excuse for their teenagers to hide behind.

@30littletoes

Hmmm- I appear to be outside of the consensus here but surely this is safer at home? After open and frank conversations about safe sex, contraception and responsibility. I would also say that her parents need to be aware, but you can’t watch them both all the time/outside, plus in a few months presumably house parties will resume- then what?

By making it into a problem I would feel it would still happen but be more ‘hidden’ from you/ not discussed with you for advice or information, which I think is worse.

Safer at home maybe but acceptable whilst mum is in the house? Not at all

@Aprilinspringtimeshower

It’s against the law. Tell him that. And then why..explain that they are legally still children and therefore vulnerable to issues around consent- they and you may feel they are mature enough but the law is there to generally protect everyone. Tell him he could end up with a record. I know to scare mongering- but hey needs must. Be careful about you laying down the law- you don’t need to, the law is there already. You can support them- they’ve been embarrassed once, if you say door stays open and keep dropping in as embarrassing mum they’ll be scared off. But there again, they will mess around somewhere else especially now evenings get warmer and outside is more appealing

Do not tell him its against the law ffs! Do not try to turn him into a criminal. I despair.

And later in your post you say don't law down the law. Which is it??

I actually can't believe some parents would tell their children that they are breaking the law by experimenting with a person their own age. Again, the law is to protect children from being exploited and NOT to turn two 14 year olds into criminals ffs.

[quote BrownEyedGirl80]@VitalSpark I disagree.I think encouraging under age sex is wrong as they're not emotionally mature enough imo.I say that as someone who lost their virginity young.[/quote]
I spent several years counselling teens and I can assure you that most are more emotionally mature than you think

Honestly, it's either in his room or it will be behind a bush somewhere. I don't really know how you can police this sort of thing -- sounds as though you've done what you can!

It’s against the law. Tell him that. And then why..explain that they are legally still children and therefore vulnerable to issues around consent- they and you may feel they are mature enough but the law is there to generally protect everyone. Tell him he could end up with a record. I know to scare mongering- but hey needs must.
Be careful about you laying down the law- you don’t need to, the law is there already.

I mean, in Scotland it's also against the law to write on a bank note, refuse a stranger entry to your home if they need the toilet, and to be found handling a salmon in suspicious circumstances.

You could easily have a look on the CPS website and see:

prosecutors should bear in mind the overriding purpose of the legislation was to protect children and it was not Parliament’s intention to punish children unnecessarily or for the criminal law to intervene where it was wholly inappropriate

Consensual sexual activity would not normally require criminal proceedings in the absence of aggravating features.

If they both feel mature enough and consent, the law will do nothing. The illegality of it is frankly irrelevant.

And encouraging parents to scaremonger their 14 year old children... good idea yes. Genius. Because a 14 year old doesn't have access to google. And a 14 year old doesn't chat to friends who are all doing exactly the same thing. And a 14 year old who thinks their parent is completely out of touch with reality is totally likely to trust them in future.

Spot on.

Safer at home maybe but acceptable whilst mum is in the house? Not at all

Ah, so they should be sneaking around. I'm not actively encouraging 14 year olds fooling around (which, to be honest, sounds like was going on here and not sex), but what it the message here. Go for it, but not when mum is home?

Is 'partner' what they use?I actually think this all smacks of wanting to appear more mature than they are, and use of 'partner' will reinforce that. Is there another gender neutral term you could use? Describe her as his 'date'? Because to be honest, I didn't have a 'partner' till I was 27 and living with my now-DH, its not just a way to avoid using a gendered term, its a loaded word that suggests a large level of commitment.

Similarly, its not good for him on some level you're viewing her/them as his saviour in mental health terms. I don't mean that the way it sounds, but basically you're reluctant to rock the boat and that may lead to you becoming more lax on things you shouldn't be.

I agree entirely with others - no bedroom privileges, extermely detailed conversation with him on consent, and brief, respectful but necessary conversation with them both. I'd personally consider talking to her parents but depends on things there. No reason not to encourage them to spend time in communal areas. In all honesty, in my personal experience all this 'if you don't let them do it at home they'll do it in fields' stuff is nonsense. I had a boyfriend (many years later) who lost his virginity at 14 and it messed him up in a long lasting way - he basically wasn't ready, but felt he was a boy and he 'couldn't' say no, so while he wasn't coerced it was to some degree unwanted. I thin people often underestimate how young they are at this age, and how even a few months but definitely a few years can make a huge difference. I know people who've had sex at 14 and its been no big deal, but I think the older you are the less risk of regret. He needs you to take the lead here because you're aware of dangers he's not, but it does sound like you've had a really tough time and I understand why its not straightforward.

They need to stay downstairs. You’re treating him as older than he is by describing his GF as a partner.

@namechangemarch21 no 'partner' is a word I chose in my OP in a misguided attempt not to derail the thread by being inconsistent by describing someone as both non binary and a girlfriend.

I know the issue of identifying as non binary is another concern. However, I do feel that rejecting it outright would be unhelpful. As things stand I accept it and as such DS has been open about his thoughts surrounding it.

I think you also need to tell him that while it's inappropriate and unacceptable... it is normal to feel the way he does and to desire sex. You don't want him getting a complex because if this and his feelings of humiliation.

While it's natural, we're not animals and we can control our urges until we're mature enough to handle everything that comes with sex.

I honestly didn't realise that partner held so much weight as a term. I realise now that I was misinformed.

[quote freckles20]@namechangemarch21 no 'partner' is a word I chose in my OP in a misguided attempt not to derail the thread by being inconsistent by describing someone as both non binary and a girlfriend.

I know the issue of identifying as non binary is another concern. However, I do feel that rejecting it outright would be unhelpful. As things stand I accept it and as such DS has been open about his thoughts surrounding it. [/quote]
But you literally used the word girlfriend (or GF) in the title of the thread

@CorianderBee thank you. I tried to tell him, although it was a bit tricky as he was insisting he didn't like it. I told him it was a very enjoyable part of life for lots of people, and that it's normal to find things tricky at first. BUT that he's not old enough to be going so far yet.

Oh dear. It's all so difficult.

@ChairmansReserve I did. I've only just realised. That was inconsistent. I think I didn't give it much thought until I realised I needed to point out in the OP that the person concerned is non binary.

I've tied to explain, and apologised. But really it's not the issue I don't think.

No worries about using partner OP, I understand you were looking for a neutral term. I think partner is a term used by adults in serious relationships, not 14 year olds.

I think you might be doing both of them a favour by encouraging them to cool things down a bit.