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Original poster

How to deal with 14yo son who I think is taking things too far with GF in our home

233 replies

freckles20 · 27/05/2021 17:28

My son is 14. He has a partner of the same age. During the last lockdown they used to meet outside and walk for hours sometimes alone and sometimes with other friends, then they met up in our garden, now she is coming over to our house.

I allowed them to be together in his room. Our home is totally open plan downstairs and it felt awkward with them downstairs and me politely trying to steer clear. I naively thought initially they were friends as the partner is non binary (they were born a girl). I was maybe stupid to think it was nice for them to 'hang out' in his room. It did make me happy to hear him chatting, laughing and being sociable.

DS struggled immensely during lockdown. He had previously been a happy and enthusiastic person with lots of interests. But he became a shadow of himself. He asked for help and received some counselling. The counsellor contacted me to say he was experiencing suicidal thoughts. Over the past 2-3 months he has gradually improved and it's been a joy to see.

I saw his partner as a part of his feeling better. I feel sure that the social isolation of lockdown was really harmful to him. I think I was blinkered and maybe should have been less lenient about her coming over.

We have a rule that the door stays open and all clothes stay on. I also pop into the room periodically. Today I went in and they were clearly doing more a lot more than cuddling.I don't think I need to go into too much detail. They were not having sex.

We have already spoken about safety, respect, the law etc etc..

I don't know what to do it how to manage this? Is really appreciate some perspectives of parents who have been through this stage.

I don't want to stop them meeting up, he seems so fragile and having this relationship has helped him. Equally I know I have a responsibility to keep them both safe.

Please don't flame me. It's hard sometimes to know what to do for the best.

OP posts:
Original poster
freckles20 · 27/05/2021 22:43

@OhGodNotThisAgain

I suppose a lot of 14 year olds do stuff like this but your son and his gf sound really immature. They can’t mentally handle anything like this yet. Tbh the gf sounds like trouble.
You may be right. I do have some concerns. However, I'm not able to stop them meeting, and they go to school together. I feel a parent trying to put a stop to a teenage romance is asking for trouble.
OP posts:
Katypyee · 27/05/2021 22:44

Oh that is awkward. For you, for your son, and for his partner.

It seems as if you had boundaries and they broke them. I guess the two of them just won't be allowed to be alone in his bedroom anymore.

At least now you know that their relationship is more than platonic.

The problem on the other hand is that they may try to find other places to be alone. Stopping them being alone won't necessarily stop them being sexual with one another.

However, they are 14. I guess you need to sit down with your son and have a serious chat about how he broke the rules and how it made you feel seeing them like that. A talk about the implications of a sexual relationship at such a young age.

I would still encourage them to be together at your home where you can at least keep an eye on them. However, they will have to sit in the living room/dining room/kitchen/ patio etc. Whatever enable you to keep a closer eye on them both.

mikejardine · 27/05/2021 22:49

For Christ's sake @wearetheweirdosmr the OP was trying to respect the chosen pronouns of the person in question! Trying to be respectful and do the right thing, will everyone stop picking at the semantics?!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
RealhousewifeofStoke · 27/05/2021 22:50

14 year olds messing around is not that unusual according to this thread. I lived very rurally and had very strict parents so it was to me Wink

But OP he sounds like he has you over a barrel to be honest. Their behaviour is totally disrespectful given the agreement that was in place.
As already stated, she’s not that shy and awkward if she’s behaving like this knowing you are in the house. I also suspect that they’re always at yours because her parents are more strict and don’t pander as much. Being a teenager nowadays is hard. But it’s fashionable to be bi, binary, have social anxiety, claim to be suicidal on a regular basis and generally believe that the world revolves around you.

Reinforce the rules that are in place. I’d actually ban them from being in his room at all. If she gets pregnant or when the relationship ends, potentially acrimoniously, you have no fallback with her parents if you knowingly let them behave like this in your home.

Blueberry40 · 27/05/2021 22:54

Don’t be hard on yourself, it’s a tricky situation. My DS started seeing his gf when he was 14 (he’s now 16 and they are still together). At first we had a no upstairs rule but we have an open plan downstairs too and I agree it’s difficult as I could overhear everything they said so they couldn’t even talk in private. DS gf also very quiet but over time she has got more comfortable around us and we have some really nice chats now, watch films together etc.

I’ve found it good to give them something to do, even if it’s just asking them to help out making dinner or something as that seemed to bring her out of her shell a bit and feel more like one of the family. They are allowed upstairs now they are both 16 but with an open door rule. Tbh though, I have had a very frank conversation with DS to make sure he understands how to be respectful and what is acceptable as I think it’s naive to assume they won’t experiment - I would prefer them to be safe and at home than down some alley somewhere.

mercuree · 27/05/2021 22:55

No, far better to be encouraging them to be putting it out there - having all sorts of sex - ‘experimenting’ - sticking it in everything, anywhere - you know, after all they are soooo mature and self-aware and responsible at 14

Yes because that's exactly what posters have been suggesting 😂 has anyone suggested that?

My point was the legality is irrelevant and trying to frighten a teenager with criminal charges as a deterrent to having sex is batshit.

There is a balance somewhere in between telling your child they're going to be prosecuted and encouraging them to stick it everything, anywhere.

I think you're being a bit ridiculous trying to suggest that if you believe threats of prosecution are wrong, you automatically believe encouraging 'all sorts of sex' is right. 😂

Original poster
freckles20 · 27/05/2021 22:57

@RealhousewifeofStoke

14 year olds messing around is not that unusual according to this thread. I lived very rurally and had very strict parents so it was to me Wink

But OP he sounds like he has you over a barrel to be honest. Their behaviour is totally disrespectful given the agreement that was in place.
As already stated, she’s not that shy and awkward if she’s behaving like this knowing you are in the house. I also suspect that they’re always at yours because her parents are more strict and don’t pander as much. Being a teenager nowadays is hard. But it’s fashionable to be bi, binary, have social anxiety, claim to be suicidal on a regular basis and generally believe that the world revolves around you.

Reinforce the rules that are in place. I’d actually ban them from being in his room at all. If she gets pregnant or when the relationship ends, potentially acrimoniously, you have no fallback with her parents if you knowingly let them behave like this in your home.

You're not the first person to suggest that DS' mental health problems might be part of a trend or fashion.

I wish that I felt that they were. It would mean that the sheer terror and confusion that I've felt is unnecessary.

Sometimes it feels like only me and the counsellor that he saw think I should be worried. I've told very few people but those that I have largely try to minimise it, and tell me he would never do anything. I think maybe the truth is just too hard for people to contemplate sometimes.

It's been a lonely place to be.

OP posts:
moynomore · 27/05/2021 22:58

@Wearywithteens

“And encouraging parents to scaremonger their 14 year old children... good idea yes. Genius. Because a 14 year old doesn't have access to google. And a 14 year old doesn't chat to friends who are all doing exactly the same thing. And a 14 year old who thinks their parent is completely out of touch with reality is totally likely to trust them in future.

Spot on.”

No, far better to be encouraging them to be putting it out there - having all sorts of sex - ‘experimenting’ - sticking it in everything, anywhere - you know, after all they are soooo mature and self-aware and responsible at 14 Hmm

Oh come on. That's not the alternative. We don't need to be encouraging ensuring, but certainly don't need to be telling teenagers they are committing criminal acts be engaging in intimacy with someone their own age.
mikejardine · 27/05/2021 23:08

As already stated, she’s not that shy and awkward if she’s behaving like this knowing you are in the house. I also suspect that they’re always at yours because her parents are more strict and don’t pander as much

Oh ffs yes you can still be shy and awkward, and unbutton your clothes / want to have sex / get caught up in the moment. Can you stop with the pigeon holing, its unpleasant.

MmeLaraque · 27/05/2021 23:09

She's shy, but they're not too shy to explore sex in your house? Statutory rape charges for anyone underage. Either of them.

Original poster
freckles20 · 27/05/2021 23:10

I agree @mikejardine. DS keeps apologising to me for how quiet they are. They just seem painfully shy with adults.

OP posts:
MmeLaraque · 27/05/2021 23:12

@mercuree

No, far better to be encouraging them to be putting it out there - having all sorts of sex - ‘experimenting’ - sticking it in everything, anywhere - you know, after all they are soooo mature and self-aware and responsible at 14

Yes because that's exactly what posters have been suggesting 😂 has anyone suggested that?

My point was the legality is irrelevant and trying to frighten a teenager with criminal charges as a deterrent to having sex is batshit.

There is a balance somewhere in between telling your child they're going to be prosecuted and encouraging them to stick it everything, anywhere.

I think you're being a bit ridiculous trying to suggest that if you believe threats of prosecution are wrong, you automatically believe encouraging 'all sorts of sex' is right. 😂

My point was the legality is irrelevant and trying to frighten a teenager with criminal charges as a deterrent to having sex is batshit.

It's neither irrelevant nor batshit. All it takes is for one of them to tell someone, and he's in big trouble. SO is she, and so are you, for allowing it to happen.

moynomore · 27/05/2021 23:14

It's neither irrelevant nor batshit. All it takes is for one of them to tell someone, and he's in big trouble. SO is she, and so are you, for allowing it to happen.

Just not true.

Original poster
freckles20 · 27/05/2021 23:14

@MmeLaraque

She's shy, but they're not too shy to explore sex in your house? Statutory rape charges for anyone underage. Either of them.
I feel that comments like these imply they are pretending to be shy whilst planning to take advantage of my son. I don't think that's fair.

It is perfectly possible to be shy with me as DS' parent, but not be shy with DS.

It's a shame as I would like to get to know them better, but some things I can't change.

OP posts:
moynomore · 27/05/2021 23:15

@MmeLaraque

She's shy, but they're not too shy to explore sex in your house? Statutory rape charges for anyone underage. Either of them.
Stop spreading this. It's not true.
Cowbells · 27/05/2021 23:15

Honestly? I would really scale down the reaction while sticking to your rules. Just say really calmly: I know you know the rules we agreed, and I trust you to stick to them from now on. They are there because you are only 14 and I want to ensure you don't do something illegal or something you'd regret.

Try to reduce the amount of humiliation or shame he feels about you walking in.

thequeenoftarts · 27/05/2021 23:15

I got pregnant at 15, first time to do anything in my parents house....
Fella was 16, parents weren't home, we did it on the stairs/in the hallway it took 3 minutes..
It wont make a difference if they want to do it they will. Her parents obs don't give them the freedom you do, or they would be there .

Ps Teens lie lots, don't believe a word they are uttering. Micro supervise the wee buggers and talk to her parents too. Secrecy is not good in this situation

MaMelon · 27/05/2021 23:16

It's neither irrelevant nor batshit. All it takes is for one of them to tell someone, and he's in big trouble. SO is she, and so are you, for allowing it to happen

What utter nonsense.

Original poster
freckles20 · 27/05/2021 23:17

@MmeLaraque I haven't allowed it to happen. I set rules, and checked up on them. They hadn't followed the rules. I'm trying to decide the best way forward. I'm quite sure that social services or the police or whoever you think I would be in 'big trouble' with would see that I've been doing my best.

OP posts:
Original poster
freckles20 · 27/05/2021 23:18

@Cowbells

Honestly? I would really scale down the reaction while sticking to your rules. Just say really calmly: I know you know the rules we agreed, and I trust you to stick to them from now on. They are there because you are only 14 and I want to ensure you don't do something illegal or something you'd regret.

Try to reduce the amount of humiliation or shame he feels about you walking in.

This sounds balanced and sensible, thank you.
OP posts:
moynomore · 27/05/2021 23:18

[quote freckles20]@MmeLaraque I haven't allowed it to happen. I set rules, and checked up on them. They hadn't followed the rules. I'm trying to decide the best way forward. I'm quite sure that social services or the police or whoever you think I would be in 'big trouble' with would see that I've been doing my best. [/quote]
Please pay that ridiculousness no attention. So not helpful.

RealhousewifeofStoke · 27/05/2021 23:23

@freckles20

I agree *@mikejardine*. DS keeps apologising to me for how quiet they are. They just seem painfully shy with adults.
They’re TEENAGERS. A lot of teenagers are awkward around adults they don’t know. Rather than let them wank each other off upstairs while you tiptoe around your own home trying not to be embarrassed, give them a few choices around what they can do when she’s there. Family movie night, make some pizzas, send them out for a walk to the shop. Stop feeling as if you have to tiptoe around them so you don’t upset them!
DesMartinsPetCat · 27/05/2021 23:23

It sounds like your son is running rings around you and you’re blinded by the fact that you’re too afraid to put a foot wrong.

His non-binary partner? Hmm

Seriously, he was caught with his 14 year old girlfriend. You need to act accordingly, or you might find you’re a nana very soon. Imagine the anxiety for your son then.

Does this girl’s parents know she’s at your house unsupervised in your son’s bedroom, or do they think she’s out for walks with her non-binary friend?

moynomore · 27/05/2021 23:23

@thequeenoftarts please don't answer if you don't want to, but what lessons had you had regarding contraception? I was 14 in about 1992 and it had already been drummed into me by my parents and school that sex (when it happens) was only with condoms due to the risk of pregnancy or STDs (we were all quite on edge about HIV at that time). I was in Canada, so maybe a different experience to be fair.

Beamur · 27/05/2021 23:31

@Cowbells

Honestly? I would really scale down the reaction while sticking to your rules. Just say really calmly: I know you know the rules we agreed, and I trust you to stick to them from now on. They are there because you are only 14 and I want to ensure you don't do something illegal or something you'd regret.

Try to reduce the amount of humiliation or shame he feels about you walking in.

This is good advice. Don't make him feel any worse. The friend may be NB but that's not necessarily going to have any bearing on sexual attraction. I think you can make them feel welcome but keep it clear what your expectations are.