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Original poster

why do you think your single friends are single?

378 replies

forkjuggler · 04/05/2021 23:26

I'm the single friend here. All my friends married or in long term relationships. By contrast, I'm divorced and have always been the one in 1-3 year relationships while they've all been coupled up. We were chatting about my terrible luck with men and I get all the usual platitudes from them about there being someone out there for me.

However, I can't help thinking they'll all have views about why I'm in my 40's and still without a decent relationship. Can it really be bad luck???

I'm interested in views from you lot on why you think some people struggle to meet anyone decent, while others pair up with ease?

OP posts:
NewModelArmyMayhem18 · 06/05/2021 06:43

I often ask a male friend why a female friend is single, and they always think it's obvious: whereas to me, said female friend looks a real catch. So what type of things will they say @allycat4?

I agree that I don't think women can determine sex appeal in their friends but sure that's only part of it.

De88 · 06/05/2021 08:06

[quote Lampan]@De88 I think it’s far easier to accept friends as they are because you don’t have to look at them with a view to living together and sharing your home and your life with them. It’s good to have a variety of friends. But it’s sensible to weed out potential partners. Some of the reasons you list seem fickle but some would also put me off - I wouldn’t want someone who is too interested in sports if I thought it could dominate their free time, I have absolutely zero interest in sports and would prefer a partner where we had some interests in common.[/quote]
You've made me think now Smile I have zilch interest in sports too, my partner is sports mad. However it would never have been fair of me to ask him to give up his free time doing something he loves to spend it on me (who he also loves) that has to be up to him. We actually have never had much in common except for a stupid sense of humour, we're both opinionated opposites.

If I'd weeded out all of his annoying habits in the first 2 dates we'd never have got this far. Ive actually had little in common with exes but we've got on fine. Maybe its my friends couldn't see past the little things to simply admit they didn't fancy them, and picked an excuse instead?

Bubblebu · 06/05/2021 08:41

allycat4

I'm really interested in your reply.

What explanation do the men give for the obvious (to them) reasons why women you both know are single?

User135644 · 06/05/2021 10:06

@Bubblebu

appalled

"probably arent very nice anyway"

yes but as identified by multiple previous posters, a lot of women in their late teens/20s/30s (especially those considered in a cliched way "hot") deliberately and purposefully go for "bad boys" because it turns them on. And resist men who are "probably very nice anyway".............

hence such messages get out to the male of the species and - all of its own making.

A lot of men these days are conditioned to believe 'women don't want nice', they want the exciting bad boy or the arrogant arsehole (which as you say is played out through this thread).

Thus, men try and play the part, when there's plenty of men who are naturally dickheads anyway. The dating scene is just dire when you add the superficiality of OLD into the mix.

Bubblebu · 06/05/2021 10:14

User135644

agree with everything you say.
and what you say are the reasons why I cannot be bothered.

the sad thing is that this has been going on for a VERY long time, way way before internet dating.
even if there were appetite to improve it no improvements seem to take hold - (I am talking feminism in main stream culture where women are more respected on the dating front) one step forward two steps back.

Tibtab · 06/05/2021 10:41

@Trinpy

I have 1 friend who is lovely but a shy introvert who lives with her parents in the middle of nowhere and all her hobbies are the type that men rarely do. She doesn't do online dating or asking her friends to set her up and she works from home so no chance of meeting anyone through work. She is late 30s now and wants to have kids, I'm starting to worry that that's not going to happen for her.

My other single friend I think is just very picky about who she dates. She doesn't want kids and she has a great life without a partner so it's not an issue. I really admire her for not settling.

I have a friend from school just like this, she moved away for Uni but then came straight back after graduating. She still lives in a small village with her parents in her mid 30s. She is incredibly introverted and has never dated anyone. Maybe she doesn’t want to, she never really talks about it.

I have other friends (both male and female) who are too picky. One friend who dates awful men who turn out to be absolute shits.

lightand · 06/05/2021 10:49

no longer looking
not willing to compromise on too much
secretive
not that unhappy with being single
too picky

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 06/05/2021 10:59

Because they want to be. Myself included.

When you read about the shitty, awful men on places like MN and social media I am genuinely puzzled as to why people feel sorry for me when I say I'm single. It's bloody offensive if you ask me to presume a single woman is in want of a man - as if I am so very unlikable that the thought of being happy in my own company is hard to believe

Bubblebu · 06/05/2021 11:10

lightand

what do you mean by "secretive"?

i have not met many women i would say were secretive (but maybe my perception of them is wrong)

Bubblebu · 06/05/2021 11:12

Frangipani

agreed

Some days at work and just loving the children through their own day to day lives is enough - I turn off the light at night and genuinely think "if i had a partner lying next to me right now, unless he was the most understanding person in the world, I do not know how I would give to him / meet his needs right now"

(and I am definitely not just referring to sex only in that....)

allycat4 · 06/05/2021 11:47

To those who've asked about the male feedback (from loads of male friends over the years, and generally nice people being brutally honest in a private conversation)

  • low energy
  • needy: too worried about what dates think of them rather than whether the chemistry is right etc
  • used to independence so inflexible

And sadly, women and men seem to have a completely different idea of what is physically attractive. Don't ask me why. Women that I think are super pretty (and, objectively, they are) are often considered not particularly attractive in a straw poll of male friends.

allycat4 · 06/05/2021 11:56

By the way, I'm talking about people who don't want to be single - so asking male friends why dates don't work out or why they don't want to ask someone out etc.

Bubblebu · 06/05/2021 12:03

allycat4

Interesting.
I wonder what they mean by "low energy"..

I also think "used to independence so inflexible" is interesting. Previous posters have touched on the paradox which can appear in thinking about what is bieng "too needy" and yet at the same time "too independent so inflexible".

weird.

allycat4 · 06/05/2021 12:12

I know. But I think you probably can be a combination of needy yet inflexible. Plus most men think they're God's gift etc!!

Bubblebu · 06/05/2021 12:23

allycat4

yes I think you are probably right.

and if you are a combination of needy yet inflexible that is likely a sign of incompatibility (i.e. a mutual failure to compromise etc)

Twizbe · 06/05/2021 12:54

I have one single friend who's an amazing woman. She has some significant mental health challenges but has a wonderful job, own flat, great friends. Never had a serious relationship and in late 30s. She's recently come out at bisexual and tbh I think she might prefer women to men. I suspect she's single because she isn't quite ready to be open to a relationship with a woman.

ToffeeNotCoffee · 06/05/2021 15:12

.

Lillyrosegrace778 · 06/05/2021 17:23

Sounds weird but there’s loads of research saying how the pill can’t distort your natural pheromones and might be giving the wrong chemistry to people!

Lillyrosegrace778 · 06/05/2021 17:24

Not saying it’s the sole reason people are single but I do think raw biology/hormones play a part in attraction (maybe why your pretty friends aren’t considered sexy pp?)

Gwenhwyfar · 06/05/2021 17:35

@TheThermalStair

The overall factor is not actively looking - ie they want a relationship but won’t online date or speak to men in real life. Some have had traumatic events or low self esteem issues that make them less confident, so I’m obviously sympathetic. It is a bit annoying when they wonder why men don’t just magically appear at their door though!
Well, we're sort of programmed NOT to look too actively with all these sayings like "It will happen when you least expect it" or even "when you stop trying" or "you'll meet a tall, dark handsome stranger". And also, when they were younger and more of their age group were single, maybe they did get male attention and are not sure now how to be the ones who make the first move.
Gwenhwyfar · 06/05/2021 17:37

@Happycat1212

See that’s another thing. OLD isn’t for me so I will probably never meet anyone but I’m ok with that
Me too (but I'm not really OK with it) Sad
TiniestLoser · 06/05/2021 17:50

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Gwenhwyfar · 06/05/2021 18:08

" (I mean like Chris Evans)"

Is there another famous Chris Evans?

ItsAllAboutTheParsley · 06/05/2021 18:19

@Gwenhwyfar

Yes there are two.... one is a formerly ginger bloke who was a DJ and likes cars, and the other is an American actor who is a bit hot. For clarity, it is the actor to whom I referred.....!

why do you think your single friends are single?
NewModelArmyMayhem18 · 06/05/2021 18:30

I wonder how many seemingly 'hot' stars just aren't in person?

I think people can give off a real 'aloof/not available' vibe without realising it too. Men and women.

And also, an interesting thing. How can you have an almost instant mutual attraction to someone even if you've never actually met them in person? Only on the phone?