why do you think your single friends are single?

[forkjuggler]

I'm the single friend here. All my friends married or in long term relationships. By contrast, I'm divorced and have always been the one in 1-3 year relationships while they've all been coupled up. We were chatting about my terrible luck with men and I get all the usual platitudes from them about there being someone out there for me.

However, I can't help thinking they'll all have views about why I'm in my 40's and still without a decent relationship. Can it really be bad luck???

I'm interested in views from you lot on why you think some people struggle to meet anyone decent, while others pair up with ease?

"I agree that I don't think women can determine sex appeal in their friends but sure that's only part of it."

I think women know very well what men find attractive in other women! With the people I know, it's pretty clear who will be attractive to men. I've never been shocked either way.

"Maybe its my friends couldn't see past the little things to simply admit they didn't fancy them, and picked an excuse instead?"

"We don't have enough in common" is often an excuse people make for not going on a few more dates, isn't it? It just means they're not interested.
I hate football, but an interest in it is so common in men that if you avoided all men who like football you'd be really cutting your chances.

"And sadly, women and men seem to have a completely different idea of what is physically attractive. Don't ask me why. Women that I think are super pretty (and, objectively, they are) are often considered not particularly attractive in a straw poll of male friends."

I disagree with that as well. I spend a lot of time in groups of singles and with male friends and they're SO predictable!

Do men 'settle' more than women then?

A male friend said he was 'settling' when he met his current partner because he hadn't met anyone on OLD and didn't want to be alone - I felt sorry for the woman and they weren't very compatible so might not last - different music, different intellect and interests, he worked and earned and she didn't work and was short of money (he also resented always having to pay for her) and the worst thing was sex drives - hers was low (even at the start) and his (in his own words) high. Sounded doomed from the start and I suggested he look elsewhere - he said he would 'give it a go'.... I just couldn't do that - so at least as far as he was concerned he 'settled' - a bit sad really.

@Lillyrosegrace778

Sounds weird but there’s loads of research saying how the pill can’t distort your natural pheromones and might be giving the wrong chemistry to people!

Yes, but how many single women are on the pill? I know some women take it for periods, but I'd imagine most women single and available are not on it, or am I wrong?

[quote ItsAllAboutTheParsley]@Gwenhwyfar

Yes there are two.... one is a formerly ginger bloke who was a DJ and likes cars, and the other is an American actor who is a bit hot. For clarity, it is the actor to whom I referred.....![/quote]
Well, that explains it!

Loads of my single friends take the pill

"I think people can give off a real 'aloof/not available' vibe without realising it too. Men and women."

Yeah, but some people like aloofness so I'm not sure it's a sufficient explanation.

@Lillyrosegrace778

Loads of my single friends take the pill

For periods or spots or something?

@GiveMeTulipsfromAmsterdam

Do men 'settle' more than women then?

A male friend said he was 'settling' when he met his current partner because he hadn't met anyone on OLD and didn't want to be alone - I felt sorry for the woman and they weren't very compatible so might not last - different music, different intellect and interests, he worked and earned and she didn't work and was short of money (he also resented always having to pay for her) and the worst thing was sex drives - hers was low (even at the start) and his (in his own words) high. Sounded doomed from the start and I suggested he look elsewhere - he said he would 'give it a go'.... I just couldn't do that - so at least as far as he was concerned he 'settled' - a bit sad really.

Is it sad though? If people want to 'settle' that's their choice isn't it? They may decide that a flawed relationship is better for them than none.

One of my closest friends was single until she was 34...she was very choosy, determined that she wanted a professional, ambitious type and held out until she got him.

12 years later she has all the trappings of that lifestyle but I'm not entirely sure how happy she is.

I did the opposite, settled down at 21 like most of my mates in the burbs...at 45 I'm divorced and single...I think my mate probably had the right idea!

I can think of 3 single female friends. First one is emotionally draining and has very high specific expectations e.g. a blond, tall, professional (when she's none of those things herself). The 2nd one is abrupt. I always go away wondering what she meant by that ( probably nothing but it leaves you unsure). Third one is extremely successful career wise and I wonder if that puts those who aren't off. All in their 50s whom I've known since their 20s. All attractive and good people. But not ones I've known to have lasting relationships. Maybe they just don't put up with crap though? Who knows.

My friends tends to be their very long lists of what they want/what job that person has to have/how long before they will move in etc etc rather then actually getting to know people. The ones they find who "look good on paper" and tick all their very long list they don't click with!

I've reached the age of fifty and have been single all my life. I admit I thought to myself 'how did that happen ?...where did that come from ?' on my birthday but then I've known nothing else so the initial shock quickly subsided. If anyone were to ask me how I've managed to remain by myself all this time, I'm not sure what answer I would give.
Unlucky ? Unpopular ? Invisible ? Dead ? It might vary depending on who was asking and my mood at the time. Perhaps I just don't need or want a woman in my life enough to make it happen.

The chemistry of attraction can be quite unfathomable. It's not necessarily 'logical' and thereby lies the rub. Our ideal on paper may not tick any sexual chemistry boxes. If you think with your head rather than your heart that might take you down a path that's not going to lead to fulfillment. I have known quite a few women friends who've opted for financially secure and 'safe' men options without ever being that into them. And it probably works the other way round too.

I was a virgin until I was 32. It was horrible.

I was shy and awkward at school, struggled with puberty, and I never got started when my friends did. As my 20s progressed, the gap just seemed to become a gulf. I didn't know how to kiss anyone and the idea of sex seemed like an absolute non starter. There was once a friend-of-a-friend who I would have liked to have kissed, but didn't have the confidence.

I will say that people who managed to settle down early really have no clue how awful it is. Until you've sifted through thousands of swipes, had to answer 'Seeing anyone, Anne?' negatively over and over again, bought everyone else in your circle an engagement/wedding/baby gift, and you still can't find someone willing to have more than one drink with you, you just don't get it.

It's also such a hard thing to talk about. People assume you're doing something 'wrong', not that you've just been unlucky. I was always cheerful and deliberately tried to look 'picky' rather than admit that I had somehow managed to scare off yet another OLD match.

And for anyone reading this, here's the worst things you could have said

• 'oooh, my neighbour Doreen was single and met her man at 80' (Only helpful if you too are late 70s)
• 'better no relationship than a bad one' (are you assuming that the only relationship I could get would be bad?)

I don’t actually have any single friends left now! We’re all late 20’s and married with kids.

My best friend was single up till last year and that was because she has great self esteem, and wouldn’t settle for anything less than what she felt she deserved. Which has worked out great as she’s with an awesome guy now!

I think that some - definitely not all - people who do not sustain relationships lack self-awareness. I worked with a woman who was 30 when her live-in partner of five years ended their relationship, and she could not subsequently meet anyone interested in dating her for years. She was physically attractive, hard-working and seemingly 'normal' for want of a better word, but the reality of her personality was that she was a nasty, spiteful bully, which men soon seemed to pick up on after a couple of dates. She utterly lacked self-awareness and constantly complained that someone as 'attractive as I am' should have guys queuing up to go out with her. I think that most men have a better-developed 'spidey sense' of women's underlying personalities than many women tend to think.

I know lots of happily single people.

On the other hand, the few I can think of who really yearn for a relationship and are unhappily single...well, I think being unhappy really is part of it, unfortunately. Most people aren't attracted to unhappiness - and the ones that are are usually not good partners.

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop yes! This is exactly how I feel.

I'm a single parent to DD and I'm happy with that.

People seem absolutely incredulous that I don't want another child and that I'm happy single. If I hear "You just need to meet the right man" one more time I might scream

My 6 single friends:

1. Young widow
2. Came out of a long relationship with the wrong man, now having bad luck dating
3. Just left her DH when realised they had both settled and it wasn't right
4. Divorced from horrible stalker ex, happy alone in her 50s
5. Undiagnosed mental illness, very unstable and unhappy (this is sad as she doesn't understand her own situation and keeps repeating self destructive behaviour)
6. Travelling the world, currently working in Thailand

As a long term single person I knew my standards got firmer just because I knew what i didn’t want (ever again) but it was more around personality and behaviours. Years of dating experience coalesced! Not up for treating me well? Move along, next!

So yes I probably am more rigid now in my 50s but luckily that’s ok. I don’t need DP to make me happy and fulfilled. I already was!

Our success in life is not defined by our relationship status.

Single=failure
Divorced=failure
Single parent=failure
LTR=why aren't you married yet?
Engaged=potential to succeed
Widowed=pity
Married (happily or unhappily)=success
Married to someone with a good job and well paid=hit the jackpot in life

Single for me=happy, secure, independent. I'm academically and professionally successful, intelligent and attractive. I don't need a relationship to complete me. I'm complete by myself.

It's impossible to know and very easy to the critical when you're with someone.
My single friends are shy homebodies who work hard but don't have lots of hobbies and don't really do anything in order to meet anyone. Refusal to try online dating and generally being and feeling down. They've been burned and I get it. I feel for them.
I'm not saying all single people are like that. Heck, I could be single tomorrow. You never know.

One has high standards very picky.

One has low standards. Criminals, coke heads "its just a shag" and it turns into a fling and then it ends.