why do you think your single friends are single?

[forkjuggler]

I'm the single friend here. All my friends married or in long term relationships. By contrast, I'm divorced and have always been the one in 1-3 year relationships while they've all been coupled up. We were chatting about my terrible luck with men and I get all the usual platitudes from them about there being someone out there for me.

However, I can't help thinking they'll all have views about why I'm in my 40's and still without a decent relationship. Can it really be bad luck???

I'm interested in views from you lot on why you think some people struggle to meet anyone decent, while others pair up with ease?

I have a good single friend in her 40's and I for the life of me can't see why she hasn't been snapped up. I can honestly not see a reason?? It must just be that she hasn't crossed paths with the right person yet?

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/intimately-connected/201901/do-contraceptive-pills-affect-attraction%3famp

Loads of my single friends take the pill for convenience Gwen. Either for periods or so they don’t need to worry so much with short term flings. They also like not getting PMT.

My only friend who is single is too fussy. She's looking for a man who doesn't exist. If he texts her then he's too clingy. If he doesn't text much then he's not into her. She expects them to make all the plans and she doesn't compromise in any way. The one relationship she was in, she left him because it was getting too serious (after 3 years) but she won't date because no one wants a serious relationship apparently.

If a guy is good looking then he's a player, if he's not attractive in her eyes, then there's something wrong with him.

Basically no guy will ever do anything right for her.

She doesn't fancy men who fancy her. Men she fancies don't fancy her. It's a bugger.

I'm single through choice.

It's more fun for me. I enjoy the flirting, dating etc on some nights and on others I equally enjoy slobbing on the sofa with no one judging me.

I have a ridiculously high bar on purpose. I have no interest in a man unless he's going to enhance my life in every single way. Otherwise, I'd rather be single, and am happy being so.

I guess for women who really want a relationship, and many do and that's fine, the things that I choose to reject on, they'd tolerate.

@CervixSampler

Our success in life is not defined by our relationship status.

Single=failure
Divorced=failure
Single parent=failure
LTR=why aren't you married yet?
Engaged=potential to succeed
Widowed=pity
Married (happily or unhappily)=success
Married to someone with a good job and well paid=hit the jackpot in life

Single for me=happy, secure, independent. I'm academically and professionally successful, intelligent and attractive. I don't need a relationship to complete me. I'm complete by myself.

Absolutely this. Sometimes when I tell someone I'm single, you can see they feel sorry for me or are searching for what's wrong with me. Whilst they simultaneously talk about how miserable they are in their marriage. Wtf is that about?!?

The societal need to be partnered up is very strong! And yet many crave the freedom. Hence the juxtaposition of their response...

Whoops @arethereanyleftatall meant to quote you there

It's a weird disconnect amongst so many women in LTRs, to talk at great length about their unhappy partnership then in the next breath express "concern" for the friend who is single. Extraordinary lack of self awareness.

I'm single (largely) by choice. I was married once and kicked him out 10nyears ago when I'd just had enough. I don't like sharing my bed with someone every night and I have a very low tolerance for bs.

I've asked friends who know me well how they see me amd, in my rare low moments, have asked them why I've not been able to leet someone.

I'm educated, intelligent, kind, thoughtful, compassionate and loyal. I have hobbies and interests including playing in a couple of bands. I have a daughter. I'm in my 40s but look and behave younger (according to others).

I have no desire to remarry or live with someone. A committed, monogamous, weekend relationship would suit me really well.

I've never wanted to introduce another man to my daughter's life.

I don't know what the future holds. I don't want to think of myself as being single forever. Apart from my disastrous disastrous marriage that would have ended long before it did, I've never had a relationship last more than a few months. I've no idea what it's like to love or be loved and I'm kind of at the point of thinking it doesn't really matter anymore.

From want I see of other people's relationships , many of them seem to be about making compromises I don't really want to make (eg giving up part of myself).

I do flirt and I get asked out but I don't date and have never met anyone who was really worth giving up being single for.

I think it’s down to chance - who you cross paths with. Yes you can increase the opportunity, but even then the person you might get on really well with might never cross your path.

By “you” I mean everyone not you OP.

I’ve been single since I got divorced three years ago and I can’t see it changing - much as I don’t want to be alone forever.

Raaaaaaarr

"I have a good single friend in her 40's and I for the life of me can't see why she hasn't been snapped up"

maybe because your friend also wants to meet someone in her 40s or early 50s..... but the kind of quality person she wants to meet in that age category is (1) in fact or (2) at the same time.. looking for a single woman of 10 to 15 years younger thank he is.

@devastating

I think it’s down to chance - who you cross paths with. Yes you can increase the opportunity, but even then the person you might get on really well with might never cross your path.

By “you” I mean everyone not you OP.

I’ve been single since I got divorced three years ago and I can’t see it changing - much as I don’t want to be alone forever.

100% this.

I met my husband OLD, our paths would NEVER have crossed in real life. I thank my lucky stars everyday that I stumbled upon him online. He really is a good man and from what I can see they’re a pretty rare breed.

I have just found this:

"Amy Webb, a Baltimore-based journalist and CEO of Webbmedia Group, wrote a book called Data, A Love Story about using data to find her own perfect match online. She began her quest by running a calculation to find out how many matches were in her city of 1.5 million. The result? Just 35 potential suitors."

And presumably not all of those might be available?

I was the single friend for most of my 20s.

I just wasn't especially interested in a relationship just for the sake of one. I couldn't be arsed with any sort of emotional drama, if a man was stressing me out I'd cut my losses and move on. I had a career to build, friends to make, life to live - spending any of that in a relationship that was in any way dissatisfying seemed like a waste of my time.

I have a very "lone wolf" kind of personality and would have been fairly content to be single in the long term. I also never had any desire to mould that personality into what men wanted - the abrasive, awkward bits, the sarcastic, snappy bits.

I was also a bit of a commitment-phobe. I had my fill of casual flings but never felt the need to make them into anything more.

Meeting DP still seems completely random tbh. The idea of a relationship seemed like such hard work before I met him, but this has been so effortless for 10 years. Unbelievable to me still.

gannett

how did you meet him?

@Bubblebu

gannett

how did you meet him?

House party when I was 30. The kind of hedonistic house party I'd been to thousands of times in my 20s but this time he was there.

so it was chance then.

you are fortunate.

It does just prove how random findng 'the right one' can be!

For my friends (almost all single), in no particular order:

1. Not actually looking (vibe of non interest, no active searching, despite stated desires)
2. Bad self-knowledge / holding on to what they think they should want (they like to think they're adventurous because they want to be, so they try to match accordingly, and then it doesn't work out with Actually Adventurous Guy)

"Loads of my single friends take the pill for convenience Gwen. Either for periods or so they don’t need to worry so much with short term flings. They also like not getting PMT."

PMT, I would put under periods and I'm a bit worried about this not having to worry thing. Does that mean they don't protect themselves from STDs?

I don't think it's chance really. It's all to do with your relationship patterns, attachment styles, etc.

Gwen - probably as I’d imagine they’d stop using a condom too fairly early on if seeing someone

Does that mean they don't protect themselves from STDs?
Nothing wrong with belt and braces.

@Gwenhwyfar

"Loads of my single friends take the pill for convenience Gwen. Either for periods or so they don’t need to worry so much with short term flings. They also like not getting PMT."

PMT, I would put under periods and I'm a bit worried about this not having to worry thing. Does that mean they don't protect themselves from STDs?

Jesus wept - of course they protect themselves with condoms too (or at least my friends do) but it means less worrying about pregnancy if the condom splits or the guy does the stealth removal thing. What difference does it make to you?!

I'm single by choice and don't date and have been on contraceptive injection for nearly 20 years - is that not allowed because I don't actually have sex?!