What's the best comeback/retort you've ever heard or given?

[UnlimitedChipsAndSalsa]

I wish I had a good one to share. I always think of something good after the fact.

Definitely NOT "did you mean to be so rude?"

"Now that's what happens when you let cousins marry."

A colleague of my mums told me this at her wake many years ago. She worked in a main post office and a guy came in to cash his giro a day early. She wasn’t allowed to do it until the date on the giro and told him so. He kicked off because he had a taxi waiting outside and no money to pay the driver but she still wouldn’t pay it. At one point he said “I’m glad I’m not your husband”. She’d had a massive row with my dad only that morning and retorted back, “well at the moment my husband wishes he wasn’t my husband too, so that makes two of you”. Still makes me smile.

@CirqueDeMorgue

Definitely NOT "did you mean to be so rude?"

Oh thank GOD someone said it 🤣🤣

I cringe myself inside out every time I read someone advising that to be used as a 'comeback'.

Yer maw

“May your next shite be a hedgehog” is one I always think of in my head, but have never been brave enough to use!

Also “yer Da sells Avon”

I was once on a train coach late at night. In the middle of the coach was a group of women on a hen night singing terribly. After belting out "I'm so excited", one of the women shouted "any requests?" to the coach. One bloke shouted back, "yes, shut the f*ck up".

My Irish dad has loads of comebacks that make me laugh but I can't think of many at the moment.

"He can light up the whole room as soon as he leaves it" is one that springs to mind 😂

My dsis, before her dh became an ex and whilst she still thought the sun shone from his ass.
To me 'Well dh thinks you're tactless.'
Me 'So what does that make you for telling me?'

"Thanks for sharing that."

My great uncle always put on his best suit to go to the working men's club.
Whilst the comedian was doing a turn mu uncle returned from the toilet.
Comedian said ' look at him all dressed up. I bet he's on the committee.'
Uncle 'I'm not on the committee. If I was I would have hired a comedian!'

My nan used to say "You're nowhere near as funny as you look" 😂

When I was a teenager, I worked in the local pub / restaurant. It’s a welsh speaking rural area, that is quite popular with tourists. One night, we had this guy and his family in. Very loud, pompous and a massive twat. One of the waitresses was sorting out his bill. She was about 16. He’d been awful to her and the rest of us all night. Sexist comments, belittling our accents, sheep-shagger jokes and clicking his fingers.
He said to her “I’m going to show you something you’ve never seen before, and probaby won’t see again.” Then handed over a £50 note. This lovely girl looked him right in the eyes, took the £50 and said “my dad is a farmer, we wipe our arses with these.”
He never expected a retort and his face was a picture. His party all fell about laughing and we all bought her a drink that night.

@Ohmyzebra thats ace!

Builder: Oi, love, do you want to come and sit on my face?
Woman: why, is your nose bigger than your dick?

My ace friend who worked in a pub, bloke kept waggling two fingers at her for attention, not clicking his fingers exactly, but just beckoning iyswim. She told him "it'd take more than that to make me come"

The old "I'm not as stupid as you look" always gets the idiot scratching their head! Sublime.

Best I've ever heard was a very straight, upstanding lad say to someone 'my dick's multicoloured because by your mother buys a lot of lipsticks' to someone taking the piss out of him.

The timing was impeccable

A vegan arguing with a very opinionated person on my degree course. Somehow it got to 'do you think dairy cows are happy?' Opinionated person 'well I'd say they are happier than beef cattle'

Stupid, annoying man blocked a fairly narrow pavement when I was trying to get past with DD in her pushchair. I said 'Excuse me please' and he ignored me. I said 'excuse me' again, and he gestured to me to step into the road, as though he was doing me a favour. All he would have had to do to let us past was step slightly to the side. I bumped the pushchair off the kerb and as I passed him he said in a very haughty voice 'MOST people would have said thank you!'

'Unlike you, I am not MOST people, I have manners.'

A work Christmas party, sit down meal, my partner’s colleague had bought someone from her local pub as her +1. He was horribly drunk, loud mouthed and arrogant. At one point he approached her manager and loudly demanded to know where the colleague’s Christmas bonus was - to which the reply was “you’re drinking it”

A child to their mother

‘What does that lady eat to make her so fat?’

The object of ridicule said ‘rude children’

@CirqueDeMorgue

Definitely NOT "did you mean to be so rude?"

Haha, I came on this thread specifically to pretend I thought this was the best comeback I've ever heard. It's actually a non-comeback 🙄🙈🤣

I read ‘I’ll just go fuck myself then shall I?’ ages ago on here and I think about it at least once a week.
It was on a thread about being ignored when holding a door open/letting someone past and other small acts of courtesy.

It’s so simple but effective

Also ‘who put 20p in the idiot’

I was 21, much older guy came onto me asking 'how I liked my eggs in the morning?'...'unfertilised' was my response.