What's the best comeback/retort you've ever heard or given?

[UnlimitedChipsAndSalsa]

I wish I had a good one to share. I always think of something good after the fact.

@1984isnow

Also ‘who put 20p in the idiot’

I like 'who left the gate open at the cunt farm' 😂

One I read on here along the lines of: your mum's so fat, when she falls down the stairs everyone thinks Eastenders has started 😂😂😂😂

Love the 20p in the idiot one. I have a few people I'll be using that on...

My gardener after nosy NDN had asked "why are you digging there?"

"We're making a new patio with plenty of room for nosy neighbours underneath!"

When someone asks an impertinent question:-

"I dont mind your asking rude impertinent questions so long as you dont mind my not answering."

When someone refers to me as a "boomer"

I dont know what that is, however I neither speak nor understand lower class.

I’m Not Scared by Eighth Wonder was playing on the radio.

It got to the lyric “if I were you, I wouldn’t treat me the way you do.”

My dad gave the stereo a withering look and said, “if I were him I wouldn’t treat her at all.”

Years ago when I was waitressing my Mum came in unannounced for lunch. I was young enough to be slightly embarrassed by this (but not young enough for what I said later), so I didn't mention to colleagues that was my Mum.

The Manager of the restaurant was making drinks and when I sidled up to the bar he said 'God can you believe that woman on table 42, she has such a crater face'.

(My Mum has severe acne scars that to this point I had always been conscious about).

The rage of his absolute rudeness kicked in and I looked him straight in the face and with an absolute straight face said 'That's my Mum.'

The look on his face was priceless. His face absolutely dropped and THEN he had the audacity to say 'No it isn't is it, you are joking aren't you?'. I just went 'No it is' and didn't speak to him for the rest of the shift.

I was kind of pissed off that he never apologised afterwards, but I did take comfort in the fact he absolutely squirmed and probably spent the rest of the shift going mad thinking 'was she telling the truth or winding me up.'

"Can I ask a stupid question...?"
"Why yes, no-body does that better than you."

A relationship that ended badly after we landed in France for our skiing holiday (sharing a chalet with some mates) and I found out he'd invited his ex along.

Ran into him later with another woman and was about to blank him when he called my name, trying to act all friendly. Woman with him said, 'Do you know each other?' (duh!). I looked right at her and said, 'Nah, he never knew me, he only f*&^ed me.'

Angry DH: Your bloody dog has been sitting on my coat and it’s covered in hair!
Me: You should get him to sit on your head then?

Someone had two helpings of stupid for breakfast this morning

@CirqueDeMorgue

Definitely NOT "did you mean to be so rude?"

This

"You're a bitch"
"Only if you catch me on a good day."

Man at the train station who observed that my skirt was tucked up at the back: "I've never seen anything like the state of that before!"
"Did you not look in the fucking mirror this morning then?"

See also, yer ma's so broke she can't pay attention.

“I can lose weight: shame you can’t put on brain cells”

One of my friends at school - a wee guy in second year comes up and goes "you're a fat cow" and she just looked him up and down and went "if I had a dog with a face like yours I'd shave it's arse and teach it to walk backwards"

@memberofthewedding

My gardener after nosy NDN had asked "why are you digging there?"

"We're making a new patio with plenty of room for nosy neighbours underneath!"

When someone asks an impertinent question:-

"I dont mind your asking rude impertinent questions so long as you dont mind my not answering."

When someone refers to me as a "boomer"

I dont know what that is, however I neither speak nor understand lower class.

Why is boomer a problem? It’s an accepted term for a generation.

These are fantastic! I wish I had the guts to use some of them. :)

@Ruthietuthie

"Can I ask a stupid question...?" "Why yes, no-body does that better than you."

I've got to remember this one.

@CirqueDeMorgue

Definitely NOT "did you mean to be so rude?"

That one just leaves the person saying it open to the response "Yes..", which pisses all over their fireworks.

Not a retort as such, but end of a busy shift at work (retail) and the phone rang. I answered.

Person: what time do you close?
Me: 5.30
Person: I’m just setting off from , will you still be open when I get there?
Me: If you get here before 5.30, yes.

I didn’t mean to be rude, I was just tired and it was such a stupid fucking question! Put the phone down and saw my manager bent double pissing himself laughing 😂

On dinner ladies
"no offence"
"no but lots taken"

Had a tosser of a Project Director trying to be a smart arse on a conference call and answered a question I asked with "what is this call, an exam?", I just responded with "When would you like me to schedule the re-sit.".

Calling someone 'lower class' is not a brilliant put-down. You just sound like a tosser.

My ds is autistic and had lots of issues with kids trying to be clever dicks because they knew he didn't have the language to respond.

So I taught him to simply reply with

"Your point?"

This is marvellous when they keep trying to add stuff and still get the same response!

Should add they would say things like

"You're a sxxxxxc rxxxxd"

"Your point?"

"That your a xxxxxx"

"Your point?"

It's one of those things that either makes them show their true colours more or trip over their words trying to be clever and make themselves look stupid.

I dont know what that is, however I neither speak nor understand lower class.

That is just shitty.