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What's the best comeback/retort you've ever heard or given?

331 replies

UnlimitedChipsAndSalsa · 24/04/2021 22:36

I wish I had a good one to share. I always think of something good after the fact.

OP posts:
UnlimitedChipsAndSalsa · 25/04/2021 15:31

@DavidsSchitt

Dickhead colleague at Christmas party: "Oi David, give us a kiss under this mistletoe"

Me: "I wouldn't kiss you under fucking anaesthetic"

Now I want to put mistletoe on the Christmas shopping list just to use this one.
OP posts:
BloodyGoodRep · 25/04/2021 15:37

Not me but I worked in call centre when I was a teenager. If anyone had to wait in for an engineer to come and fix their issue, 99.9% of the time the customer would demand to be compensated for their lost wages for that day and without fail they would all day they earned £300/£400/500 a day. Every single one of them 🙄.

Anyway a customer was shouting at a colleague about having to take the morning off work and said they wanted to be paid form the £500 worth of work he was missing. My colleague replied ‘you earn £500 a day but you’ve paid your last 3 bills late’ 🤣🤣🤣

Lurkerlot · 25/04/2021 15:39

@Susannahmoody

Best I've ever heard was a very straight, upstanding lad say to someone 'my dick's multicoloured because by your mother buys a lot of lipsticks' to someone taking the piss out of him.

The timing was impeccable

I had it said to my daughter in my presence, and retorted, well if you washed it more often. You wouldn’t have you shag 50 year olds
peaceanddove · 25/04/2021 15:39

I have an entire arsenal of withering put downs.

When confronted by someone mouthing off: "I think you're confusing me with someone who gives a fuck about your opinion"

When confronted by someone loudly mouthing off: "You know, if I were as ugly as you I'd try and draw less attention to myself."

When confronted by a moron, taunting 'What are you going to do about it, eh?' : "Well I was going to do an impersonation of a twat, but you've just beaten me to it"

After being given the finger by a moron: "Is that the size of your penis, or the amount of times you've had sex?"

When dealing with a 'comedian' who thinks they're amusing: "You know, it's really, really not like you to be funny" [head tilt]

sueelleker · 25/04/2021 15:47

@WorraLiberty

My Irish dad has loads of comebacks that make me laugh but I can't think of many at the moment.

"He can light up the whole room as soon as he leaves it" is one that springs to mind 😂

There's a pub near us that has a sign outside "everyone brings joy to this pub-some when they enter and some when they leave".
sueelleker · 25/04/2021 15:56

@notagainmummy

There's one in every village, is DHs favourite
"There's a village somewhere missing its idiot".
RatsolutelyFabulous · 25/04/2021 15:56

If I wanted to listen to an arsehole I’d of farted, is my best comeback

BreatheAndFocus · 25/04/2021 16:16

Not mine but a friend was walking home through the park and a man stepped out from behind a tree with his penis on proud display.

Friend stared at him, then said: “I’ve seen bigger things crawl out of a lettuce” 😆

Idontcareifyouknowwhoiam · 25/04/2021 16:16

A friend of mine was out running on a path at the side of a golf course. She is, like me, “generously proportioned”. Golfer with his Pringle tank top stretched across his belly points at her and says “Who ate all the pies?”, to which she replied “ You, you fat twat” and carried on running. I bloody love her 😆

ladsholiday · 25/04/2021 16:17

@RatsolutelyFabulous

If I wanted to listen to an arsehole I’d of farted, is my best comeback
Please no.
ilikebungalows · 25/04/2021 16:43

Mick Jagger - those aren't wrinkles, they're laughter lines
George Melly - nothing's that funny

Graphista · 25/04/2021 16:43

Leaving a job mainly because of a new manager who was making changes for changes sake and as a result Fucking everything up as she clearly didn't understand how our shop worked and was pissing off customers and staff alike. Takings massively down, I was the 4th staff member to quit within about 6 weeks, chain but corner shop type place. I had a new job in admin management which was more my speed (I'd been doing the shop job part time as was recovering from a bout of illness that had knocked me sideways it was a stopgap for me but not for the others that had quit). Just so happened the day I was handing in my official notice regional management were visiting (I suspect due to concerns over reduced takings etc)

I was much younger and less confident then, and almost hesitated to hand it in but I had to in order to be able to start the new job on time.

So I hand the letter in...which she had been expecting, but then she tried to make herself look good in front of the regional bods when I did

"Well graphista is on to bigger and better things now, after being just a short while under my leadership"

Which was bollocks!

I felt brave seeing I was leaving anyway and didn't need a reference.

So I calmly replied

"You and I both know EXACTLY why I am leaving and yes it's because of you but not in the way you're making out! Just as it was because of you (named other colleagues - one of whom had been there over 20 years) left and just as customers are leaving in their droves"

I then turned to the regional managers and said simply

"Lovely to meet you - and good luck hiring and keeping staff here I think you'll need it"

Now I'm absolutely of course certain that the regional people were very much already aware of the problems she was causing, but she was gone before I finished my notice and the company tried to get me to stay, but I'd had enough by that point and I was ready for the new job.

The funny part was my nickname at that job was "mouse" as in quiet as a. Unbeknown to me a colleague overheard and shared with others and was apparently completely gobsmacked I even had that in me! 

My gran was once telling us of dads birth and said he wouldn't breathe and so they smacked his bum to startle him into doing so, quick as a flash my sister said "so that's why his face always looks like his arse has just been skelped!"

@Amdone123 yours reminds me of another shop one. I once worked in a shop in a town STUFFED With genuine world famous celebs. So me and the rest of the staff were pretty nonchalant about it all as were the rest of the town. One time a not actually very famous actress (not even in uk) came in, she'd not had a lead role ever and the role she was most famous for was about 15 years before this incident, yet she came in one day, tried to queue jump and then actually uttered the words "don't you know who I am?" My manager and I were in the back room having lunch but the layout inc a mirror meant we could see and hear customers but they couldn't see us. Our 17 year old colleague honestly and innocently answered "err no actually, and you need to go to the back of the queue madam" manager and I (we did know who she was mainly as she was at the time married to someone very famous) silent corpsed, she went all blustery and red and stormed out "I have a lot of money to spend and you've lost my custom!"

Colleague then continues to serve, 1st person says "you don't need customers like that anyway" to which the 2nd customer politely agrees. 2nd customer? Ringo Starr!

NameChangedForThisFeb21 · 25/04/2021 16:48

Generational but when someone was being argumentative and trying to insist something ridiculous and arbitrary was actually fact and a rule and nothing else was allowed to possibly be the case and would.not.let.it.drop.

“For FUCKS SAKE. Just let it drop will you? You’re like Gretchen bloody Weiners trying to make Fetch happen. No one agrees with you and no one cares. Now shut up!”

Grin
ProfessionalWeirdo · 25/04/2021 16:51

"Where have you been all my life?"
"Well, I wasn't born for most of it..."

(To a flasher) "No thanks, I roll my own."

doubleshotespresso · 25/04/2021 16:57

Jamaican uncle of my other half visiting my home for the first time a week after my D.C. was born.
"Women belong in the kitchen or where the football is on"

"That's where I keep my vest knives sweetheart"

Never did pour him the rum punch I'd made especially and never has he been invited back here!

doubleshotespresso · 25/04/2021 16:58

@doubleshotespresso

Jamaican uncle of my other half visiting my home for the first time a week after my D.C. was born. "Women belong in the kitchen or where the football is on"

"That's where I keep my vest knives sweetheart"

Never did pour him the rum punch I'd made especially and never has he been invited back here!

Typos apologies "BEST" knives obviously
cricketmum84 · 25/04/2021 17:03

Alright who put 50p in the dickhead??

Said to my DH most days 😂

Lesemeraudes · 25/04/2021 17:03

The “baby boomer generation” isn’t an insult though. No more than Generation x, y, z or millennials.
It’s just a statement of fact of when people were born.

Baby boomer generation isn't the correct term anyway. It isn't even an expression, which is why it sounds ridiculous. It's baby boomer, without generation oddly tagged on the end. Anyway, it's never used outside of casual contexts, post war babies, would be the term you are looking for.

Otterspotterspocket · 25/04/2021 17:04

My standard response to any team leader/manager type who announces "there's no 'i' in 'team'" is (mostly muttered). "Yeah, but there is a 'u' in 'cunt'.

NewlyGranny · 25/04/2021 17:07

Oh, double shot, I prefer vest knives! I imagined you in a Line of Duty type stabproof velcro vest with knives bristling from special pockets all over it!

LindaEllen · 25/04/2021 17:08

@1984isnow

Also ‘who put 20p in the idiot’
My favourite is similar to this.

There was one guy at an organisation I'm involved in who was a bit of a dick. To make him more of a dick, he ended up on the committee. At the AGM he stood up and started making a speech which we weren't expecting (his position didn't necessarily call for one) and my best friend just groaned and said 'oh god, someone's put batteries in the gobshite' 😂 I don't know why it tickled me so much!

WestendVBroadway · 25/04/2021 17:10

I was walking through town when a bloke coming towards me was wearing a T shirt with a slogan on above a picture of a bullseye. Without thinking I tried to read the slogan. The bloke wearing it shouted " What do you think you are staring at fatty?" I looked up to see a very greasy unkempt head of hair. I think I was probably a little rude when I quickly retorted "Well clearly your T shirt, not your face twatty!"

Love51 · 25/04/2021 17:11

I'm memorising this to teach DD when she's a bit older. The "smile" guys piss me off!

Amdone123 · 25/04/2021 17:13

@Graphista, wow ! Ringo Starr, now we're talking !

NameChangedForThisFeb21 · 25/04/2021 17:24

Actually just remembered one from today that I was quite proud of.

I was at a cafe in the outdoor seating area and had just joined my elderly Mum who had been sitting while I was ordering. As soon as I started pouring the tea, I realised I was being stared at in a really intimidating way by a woman who was making it obvious that she wanted to make me feel uncomfortable. I turned to Mum and commented that the woman opposite was staring at me really oddly (practically snarling) and my Mum said she’d been giving her dirty looks and very obviously making comments to her husband about her and he’d had his back turned to Mum but very obviously turned around to also stare at her, made comments in response to the nasty woman and they’d both smirked and laughed. She was still hostily staring at me, arms folded across her chest and just looked pure evil.

It was one of our first trips out in over a year, my Mum has lost a lot of confidence in the past year and deteriorated physically and suffered from depression and I wasn’t about to allow our nice day out to be ruined by some bitter, nasty person.

I did that thing where you slide your sunglasses down to the end of your nose and made direct eye contact with her and said just loud enough for her to hear “what on earth is THAT woman’s problem? Why is she staring at us Mum?”

Then I did a little tinkly laugh and head tilt (thanks MN) and a wide grin at her and, again loud enough for her to hear, said “Aw. It’s actually really sad. Can you imagine what kind of person you’d have to be to spend your life glaring rudely at strangers in cafes trying to ruin their fun? What a sad little life she must have. Haha!”

She didn’t know where to look. Instantly looked embarrassed and eyes diverted from us never to look our way again. All of a sudden after being so fascinatingly disgusting to her sight, we’d all of a sudden magically become completely invisible Grin.

Until 10 minutes later she found another mother and daughter to do it to. In between she was loudly slagging off people she knew. After glaring at the other two women and making them feel uncomfortable, as she left she stopped at their table, looked them up and down in a very nasty superior way and sarcastically said “EN-joyyyyyy” in a weird, sick voice which seemed more like “hope you choke on it!”. Nasty bully. Obviously got some weird power out of trying to ruin people’s day.

Didn’t like being laughed at and pitied though did she?