What's the best comeback/retort you've ever heard or given?

[UnlimitedChipsAndSalsa]

I wish I had a good one to share. I always think of something good after the fact.

This from Humphrey Littleton on “I’m sorry I haven’t a clue”. Humpf as well as being a very quick witted comedian, was also a birdwatcher. After a show he was cornered by somebody who said “I understand you are a bit of an orthonologist”, which humpf simply let go. He said it was only hours later on his journey home, when he realised that he should have said: “not so much an orthonologist, more of a word botcher :-).

@RiderGirl

My dad to my nan - they didn't get on and he wasn't allowed to pick us up as it was snowing and he didn't have seat belts in the back of the car (this was in the 80s) - "Iris, I don't tell you how to cast spells, so don't tell me how to drive"... Slam went the door, in his face, always makes me chuckle!

Oh my God, that just made me laugh so much!!!

I bloody miss Humph.

Cricket is a gold mine for these, one I remember was an Aussie player shouting at a batter who’d just missed ‘Oy! Why are you so fat?”

“Because every time I sleep with your missus she gives me a biscuit”

Not a comeback, but a judgment. Pia Zadora playing Anne Frank on stage. Her performance was so woeful, when the gestapo broke in to the building, audience members called out 'she's in the loft'. Sails a bit close to the wind, given the subject matter, but it was a reaction to the actress, not to Anne Frank.

@midsomermurderess

Not a comeback, but a judgment. Pia Zadora playing Anne Frank on stage. Her performance was so woeful, when the gestapo broke in to the building, audience members called out 'she's in the loft'. Sails a bit close to the wind, given the subject matter, but it was a reaction to the actress, not to Anne Frank.

😂😂😂

I love the I don't teach you how to cast spells one as well. Classic!

Oh, I hope there are more out there. I'm enjoying reading these.

Work related regarding an annoying colleague: 'the only thing he is good for is stopping the wind blowing his chair away'.

Made me laugh!

In my 20’s when I was a looker lots of men would fall over themselves to try talking to me. One such fellow came up to me saying ‘I’m really curious about you’.
Me: ‘you know what curiosity did to the cat?’
Him: ‘but I’m a dog...’
Me: ‘clearly’
Cue his friends in fits of laughter at his stupidity.

Heard at work - patient was having a birth injury repaired under spinal anaesthetic (think it was a grade 3 tear). Partner said, "Sew her up nice and tight doc" to which the obstetrician replied, "Why, do you have an extremely small penis?"

@midsomermurderess

Not a comeback, but a judgment. Pia Zadora playing Anne Frank on stage. Her performance was so woeful, when the gestapo broke in to the building, audience members called out 'she's in the loft'. Sails a bit close to the wind, given the subject matter, but it was a reaction to the actress, not to Anne Frank.

This story is an urban myth, it's been told about various productions over the years.

I know it is apocryphal, Clawdy. But hey, this is Mumsnet. Lots of earnest, head-tiltingy putting people right.

Yes, that's me, I'm afraid. Bet my friends daren't tell me anything in case I say "Hey, that's an urban myth!"

@midsomermurderess

I know it is apocryphal, Clawdy. But hey, this is Mumsnet. Lots of earnest, head-tiltingy putting people right.

And don't forget the tinkly laugh!

@1984isnow

I read ‘I’ll just go fuck myself then shall I?’ ages ago on here and I think about it at least once a week. It was on a thread about being ignored when holding a door open/letting someone past and other small acts of courtesy.

It’s so simple but effective

I think that’s quite an extreme escalation.

I don't get "I'll go and fuck my self then" as an example of biting wit?

@HicDraconis

Heard at work - patient was having a birth injury repaired under spinal anaesthetic (think it was a grade 3 tear). Partner said, "Sew her up nice and tight doc" to which the obstetrician replied, "Why, do you have an extremely small penis?"

My DM used to be a surgical nurse. She said that one surgeon used to 'put an extra stitch in for the husband'.

No-one said anything, because older male surgeons were Gods then. (Maybe still, IDK).

Just yuck.

Oh, that was a quote fail. That's "just yuck" for the stitch for the husband thing. Reeks of ownership.

And, when Lady Astor (iirc} sniped at Winston Churchill "If you were my husband, I would poison your coffee", he retorted "Madam, if I were your husband I would drink it" 😁

My mil used to get frustrated if someone wasn’t moving as fast as she wanted and would always say ‘Stop standing there like one o’clock half struck”. Makes me laugh!

I'm still chuckling about an earlier PP where the quiet polite 16 year old Waitress told an obnoxious customer that her Dads a farmer and they wipe their arses with £50 notes thank you very much.
It keeps popping into my head and making me laugh days later.

Honestly my DD 14 and DS 15 have the best come backs. I'm such a proud DM with a rubbish memory

Relative, to a flasher: if that's all you've got to show, I'd put it away if I were you

Wish I'd been as confident when I was flashed