What's the best comeback/retort you've ever heard or given?

[UnlimitedChipsAndSalsa]

I wish I had a good one to share. I always think of something good after the fact.

@itsgettingwierd

Should add they would say things like

"You're a sxxxxxc rxxxxd"

"Your point?"

"That your a xxxxxx"

"Your point?"

It's one of those things that either makes them show their true colours more or trip over their words trying to be clever and make themselves look stupid.

❤ this!

I used to enjoy teasing my manager as she didn't know how to take it, she called me a muppet once and I very earnestly said "yes, I learnt everything I know from you"

I saw one the other day.

Bloke to woman walking down the street: smile love!
Her, quick as a flash: say something funny!
Him, a bit flustered: errr
Her, as soon as he opens his mouth, does the eh-errrr sound from family fortunes

I heard this many years ago and it still makes me laugh. This was said to a female work colleague.

“xxxxx come and sit on my face” she replied “If I sat on your face you’d give my fanny a fright”. This was said very loudly in a works canteen. He never spoke to her again.

Following.

My best retort so far seems to be 'Ah' or 'Uh - huh' or just silence while gazing in the distance. If there's one thing I've learned it's that arseholes (difficult, unpleasant men AND women) HATE being blanked.

I'm learning to navigate these fuckers.

My mum used to say "He's tighter than a crab's arse.......and that's watertight."

According to Teen DD “nobody asked” is the favourite at school at the moment.

Wasn’t there one from Winston Churchill when a women accused him of being drunk, he replied, “Madam, you’re ugly. At least in the morning, I will be sober”.

@Warmduscher

Wasn’t there one from Winston Churchill when a women accused him of being drunk, he replied, “Madam, you’re ugly. At least in the morning, I will be sober”.

Bessie Braddock was the person I believe.

Man in his 60s sleazily trying to chat up a girl in her twenties in the bar I work in.
He eventually got round to asking her if she wanted to go on a date with him.
Her: I'm looking for a boyfriend not a pal for my dad.

I once had an opportunity to use a comeback I‘d been saving up for a while.

Leery pair of blokes: Hur hur hur, you‘ve got the biggest pair of tits that we‘ve ever seen!

20 year old me (tartly): Well, you two are the biggest pair of tits that I‘ve ever seen.

Oi sugartits come and sit on my face

At least if I sit on it I won’t have to look at it

@user1471462634

I was 21, much older guy came onto me asking 'how I liked my eggs in the morning?'...'unfertilised' was my response.

The best one yet

My brother told his horrible boss, as he was quitting his job... "and if you're every passing ....., just keep going"

For people who let a door shut in my face..."thank you so much for holding the door

There's one in every village, is DHs favourite

My work pal once responded to ‘Can I ask a stupid question?’ ‘I wouldn’t expect anything more...’ The person asking was notoriously P.A so it was brilliant!

Recently on my Facebook community group a lady complained about ‘non English’ men parking near her junction and just sitting in their car. Someone asked if she’d got the number plate and when she said ‘No I was in a hurry’ and I responded ‘How did you see their passports but not their number plate?’

Didn't a company on Twitter/Facebook etc write back to someone "the only point you've got is that you're a prick" when they were being criticised for something - I always remember that one 🤣

I told a very toxic person "You are a walking problem" the other day.

I actually think the ones about mums being fat etc are just disgusting and make you look like an arsehole, not a clever comeback at all

My dad tried to make a joke in the post office trying to pay a bill, he was in his forties and very handsome. He waltzed up to the counter and said "pension, please" and the woman asked very deadpan where was his pension book? That quite disgruntled him!

My favourite was from Billy Connelly, dealing with a heckler in the audience:

Do you mind? I’m doing my job here - do I come to your work and tell you how to sweep up?

Perfect

Years ago DH was pushed out of a business he was a partner in by the other partners.

One of them, trying to make excuses for his shitty behaviour said " oh I bet in a few years you will be walking in here to tell me about the new Porsche you have just bought."

DH replied "I will be too busy making loads of money to waste time talking to the likes of you."

The best bit is that is exactly how things turned out

Lady Astor: ‘If I were your wife I would put poison in your coffee.’

Churchill: ‘Nancy, if I were your husband I would drink it.’

Another one from Churchill.
Lady Astor: If I were your wife, I'd poison your tea.
Churchill: If you were my wife, I'd drink it.

I have a few which I've found useful in the past, although I have to say it's very rare these days for anyone to be rude to my face. I think I've moved beyond Bitchy Resting Face into full on I Will Destroy Your Life Face.
"That's nice, dear, do you have an adult with you?"
"Mmm, right. I'm interested - did you take a special training course to learn how to be a cunt, or is it a natural talent?"
"I'm sorry, I don't speak Wanker, but I'm sure someone will be along in a minute."

My favourite:
"I'm sorry to hear that you are so insecure that you feel the need to insult strangers. You will be in my prayers tonight."