What's the best comeback/retort you've ever heard or given?

[UnlimitedChipsAndSalsa]

I wish I had a good one to share. I always think of something good after the fact.

@MrsJackRackham

Man in his 60s sleazily trying to chat up a girl in her twenties in the bar I work in. He eventually got round to asking her if she wanted to go on a date with him. Her: I'm looking for a boyfriend not a pal for my dad.

Oh my God, that's amazing.

One time when my dp was away working, he facetimed me infront of all the guys he works with. We had a chat and then before he hung up he said "mind shave your legs etc for me coming home" (thinks he's hilarious, but I don't mind because I know all the guys quite well) so I said back "I did that for you leaving, bye" and hung up. He text me about 5 mins later to say all the guys were killing themselves and hadn't stopped slagging him since I hung up 😂

Godamnit, beaten to the Churchill punch!

Ex-p's fucking horrible sister trying to wind me up - he was out with us at the weekend and went with a big fat hanging girl

Me - I thought incest was illegal.

When I was a young barmaid someone whistled me over to be served. The landlord immediately jumped in with “The dog’s out back rounding up sheep. If you want a drink you ask my staff politely or you’re out”.
I got an apology and a free drink.

Why is boomer a problem? It’s an accepted term for a generation.

It's not an accepted term. It's used as an insult to shut down older people.

@Sparklfairy

I saw one the other day.

Bloke to woman walking down the street: smile love!
Her, quick as a flash: say something funny!
Him, a bit flustered: errr
Her, as soon as he opens his mouth, does the eh-errrr sound from family fortunes

I love this, what a bad ass bitch

I once heard two Spanish people shouting at each other very loudly in Spanish. She appeared to win the argument with her parting comment, "Okay then, fuck you".

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

One time when my dp was away working, he facetimed me infront of all the guys he works with. We had a chat and then before he hung up he said "mind shave your legs etc for me coming home" (thinks he's hilarious, but I don't mind because I know all the guys quite well) so I said back "I did that for you leaving, bye" and hung up. He text me about 5 mins later to say all the guys were killing themselves and hadn't stopped slagging him since I hung up 😂

Hahahahahahahahhaa iconic

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

One time when my dp was away working, he facetimed me infront of all the guys he works with. We had a chat and then before he hung up he said "mind shave your legs etc for me coming home" (thinks he's hilarious, but I don't mind because I know all the guys quite well) so I said back "I did that for you leaving, bye" and hung up. He text me about 5 mins later to say all the guys were killing themselves and hadn't stopped slagging him since I hung up 😂

👏 👏 👏

@Sparklfairy

I hate it when blokes so "smile love" - someone once said it to me and I replied with "I will tonight when I have a good laugh about how small your Dick is"

@iklboo

Why is boomer a problem? It’s an accepted term for a generation.

It's not an accepted term. It's used as an insult to shut down older people.

The “baby boomer generation” isn’t an insult though. No more than Generation x, y, z or millennials. It’s just a statement of fact of when people were born.

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion
That's freaking hilarious and I bet your dh is still getting his arse whipped by his mates over this 🤣. Legend

@Crumpetsforall "Recently on my Facebook community group a lady complained about ‘non English’ men parking near her junction and just sitting in their car. Someone asked if she’d got the number plate and when she said ‘No I was in a hurry’ and I responded ‘How did you see their passports but not their number plate?’"

This one is great!

From my dad, best used on people being intractably jobsworthlike
"To what fault in yourself do you attribute that?"

Another of his suggestions - "Well they're probably not as well-advised as me" - was for anyone trying to sell or persuade you about something while using the old "but everyone else is..." trope.

My mum would use "This correspondence is now closed" on me when I was small and kept asking her to buy me something or let me do something. I suppose nowadays she'd say "We are no longer taking comments on this matter" ;)

She'd also describe prickly people as "having their foot permanently in the stirrup of their high-horse" which made me laugh. She sometimes used it (warmly) about my dad who could be, in the words of Lisa Simpson, a little "Why must you fight with every utility?"

Jo

I love ones delivered in extremely polite words and voices. Best I ever saw was to a raging man in a shop:

Irate man:. You've just lost a customer.
Manager: I sincerely hope so, sir.

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

One time when my dp was away working, he facetimed me infront of all the guys he works with. We had a chat and then before he hung up he said "mind shave your legs etc for me coming home" (thinks he's hilarious, but I don't mind because I know all the guys quite well) so I said back "I did that for you leaving, bye" and hung up. He text me about 5 mins later to say all the guys were killing themselves and hadn't stopped slagging him since I hung up 😂

Legend!

My dad to my nan - they didn't get on and he wasn't allowed to pick us up as it was snowing and he didn't have seat belts in the back of the car (this was in the 80s) - "Iris, I don't tell you how to cast spells, so don't tell me how to drive"... Slam went the door, in his face, always makes me chuckle!

Why is boomer a problem? It’s an accepted term for a generation.

"Boomer" itself isn't an insult, but "OK, boomer" has become a way to shut down and ignore older people's opinions.

I remember being in the car when my dad picked up my very drunk grandparents from a wake, irish funeral so they'd been on the sesh all day. Nan asked grandad where her teeth were and he told her he had them in her pocket, they were bickering as they usually did and she said "I hope they feckin bite yer"

Why is boomer a problem? It’s an accepted term for a generation
Accepted by ill-mannered 20 year olds.

Friend working at a well known "never knowingly sold" department store receiving a tongue lashing from a customer demanding a refund for the TV they bought 5 years ago because at the time they weren't advised that 3D TV technology would be available 5 years later.......friend directed the customer to the Time Machine Department 🤣🤣🤣

Why is boomer a problem? It’s an accepted term for a generation Only in the same way as fuckwit is!

Why? Just why?

Nice legs what time do they open?

They're closed for a private party

@Frownette

My dad tried to make a joke in the post office trying to pay a bill, he was in his forties and very handsome. He waltzed up to the counter and said "pension, please" and the woman asked very deadpan where was his pension book? That quite disgruntled him!

I don't understand this. Was the joke that she believed he was a pensioner?