What's the best comeback/retort you've ever heard or given?

[UnlimitedChipsAndSalsa]

I wish I had a good one to share. I always think of something good after the fact.

Classic one from MN "off you fuck then Cuntychops".
I'm saving it for the perfect occasion.

My parents separated and divorced when I was quite young.

In my late teens; myself, sister and mum were driving to London for a couple of days r&r after mum had finished a round of cancer treatment, when the car broke down. With no one else to call, dad came to collect us and drive us the rest of the way to the hotel. Mum was musing in the front seat and said 'it's been a long time since we all did this. Though we've now got one thing we didn't have before'. I quipped back. 'yes, thankfully, decree absolute!'. She'd meant her tumour.

The “baby boomer generation” isn’t an insult though. No more than Generation x, y, z or millennials.
Boomers - out of touch, bigotted, monied and entitled - because of the year of their birth
Gen X - self-sufficient, resourceful and individualistic since they have been accustomed to caring for themselves since before reaching adulthood or bleak, cynical, disaffected - because of the year of their birth
Gen Y - Ambitious, tech savvy, arrogant, narcissistic - because of the year of their birth
Gen Z - big of thumb, full of principles, uber progressive, shy of critical thinking, weird work ethic - because of the year of their birth

It’s just a statement of fact of when people were born. Not facts, stereotypes. Used by people whose world stops at the end of their noses!

Dickhead colleague at Christmas party: "Oi David, give us a kiss under this mistletoe"

Me: "I wouldn't kiss you under fucking anaesthetic"

@SweatyBetty20 your mum sounds like a great lady!

@chandyleer that is brilliant! Glad your manager found it funny too.

I have a friend who is The Queen of Comebacks. 2 occasions spring to mind.
She was at university and to supplement her income got a job in a supermarket. An elderly lady approached her till and pointing at her, said loudly, " This is how you'll end up if you don't work hard at school."
My friend, equally as loud, said to the little girl, " And that is how you'll end up if you don't learn any manners!"

The second was when we fell out of a nightclub in Oldham, and into a chippy. A cast member from Coronation Street waltzed in, acting like he owned the world. My friend, a friendly type said, " Oh, hallo!" He said, "Do I know you?"
She said, " You should do. You're in my living room 3 nights a week!"

I once asked someone a rather personal question and he responded,
"A few people have asked me that and I always tell them to mind their own business"

My alcoholic ex neighbour who on regular occasions used to accuse me of sleeping with her alcoholic drug addict boyfriend, screamed out the window in front of about 6 other neighbours "oh look there goes thunder thighs"
I shouted back "your man wasn't complaining last night when they were wrapped around his neck"
She almost fell out the window

When your cock is as big as your mouth you’ll have something to crow about.

My partner the other day.

Me: I'm just ringing to tell you about this fart I did at work.. (Driving noises in the background.)
Partner: Is that why they've sent you home?

Another time, driving home from work again..
Me: There are baby bunnies!!!
Partner: Don't run them over.

Children on swimming pool bus as it passed Netto.

‘Is that your mum coming out of Netto?’

@DoingItMyself

Why is boomer a problem? It’s an accepted term for a generation Accepted by ill-mannered 20 year olds.

And by this Boomer! Do you object to the term Millennials / Generation X etc too?

@BadLad is right. “OK Boomer” is offensive but the Baby Boomer Generation is just a way for marketeers and researchers to segment markets.

@Happytobejabbed

Children on swimming pool bus as it passed Netto.

‘Is that your mum coming out of Netto?’

Am I missing something?

"Talking to yourself is the first sign of madness."
"Listening to me is the second."

Horrible houseman rotating on the gynae ward, after doing a brutal internal that left me bleeding, stood by my bed afterwards lecturing me:

"Your infertility is probably psychological. All the textbooks say it's just stress."

Me: I think your true vocation lies in surgery or pathology; any woman you approach should ideally be unconscious first, or preferably dead.

@Hoppinggreen

According to Teen DD “nobody asked” is the favourite at school at the moment.

My DD was ripping into DD2's cooking and her DD2 cut in to say "Who?", DD1 says "Mrs X, her food is so much nicer" and sister said "No, who asked?"

That made me laugh quite a lot.

Some pervert exposed himself to my friend as she walked by. She looked him up and down and said “are you boasting or apologising” !!

Ted Hastings arguing about an investigation he had authorised. When it was questioned as to why and what the outcome would be he said "the investigation usually preseeds the investigation"
Bloody love hastings

‘Were you born that stupid or did you have to go on a night course?’

I was crying laughing 😂

OK Boomer” is offensive but the Baby Boomer Generation is just a way for marketeers and researchers to segment markets.

It's rarely used, especially in conversations or online, to denote when the person was born. It's almost always used as an insult.

My daughter to her then boyfriend
(Hed made a point of telling her periods where 'disgusting' and 'turned him off'
Her-i bet your mother was waiting for hers-but the poor cow got you instead

Delivered with perfect timing

I hope your sister told him where to go after that @Mylittleponysuperfan. What an immature prick.

@LeftyLou she dumped him within minutes of that row
I walked in just in time to hear her say it
I had to walk away,my shoulders shaking...

@something2say

My partner the other day.

Me: I'm just ringing to tell you about this fart I did at work.. (Driving noises in the background.)
Partner: Is that why they've sent you home?

Another time, driving home from work again..
Me: There are baby bunnies!!!
Partner: Don't run them over.

. Bizarre.

Not one of mine, but I wish it had been. Girl sitting on the sofa at a party. Obnoxious man flopped his john thomas out and said to her 'What do you think of that then?' She barely glanced at it, then said, 'It looks like a penis, only smaller'.