Are you married to an investment banker and have kids?

[Lisbon83]

My husband is an investment banker at ED level and we recently had a baby.

I'm looking for advice from people in my position who get the hours they do and the particular stresses of the work. It's not 9-5 as we know and it's not possible to be 50/50 split on childcare during weekday evenings for example.

How did you manage family life, looking after yourself, baby etc without tearing your marriage apart? Night feeds, childcare, household chores, life admin, weekends, time for ourselves.. how to organise and any tips or ideas?

Pandemic has made it worse and harder to access outside help but hoping this will become easier soon.

" Single parents are responsible for thinking about and doing everything.
No one to consult if an appliance needs replacing,
No one to talk to about what bday gift to get for child.
No one to share the pain with when things go wrong
Having to remember everything about everyone with no back up.

There a many many benefits but being compared to the non working wife who of someone earning lots of money and therefore isn't there much is frankly insulting. "

Now who's being judgemental? All those things you posted above I DID have to do alone. We literally never saw each other in the week and the weekend he slept most of the time or carried on working! You have NO clue what it was like to be me just as I don't know what it is like to be you. I will repeat again the single mum comment was relating to being alone with the children and being responsible for them alone. We didn't have any money at that point which is why he got that job, so the money is a moot point.

Why does it have to be a competition as to who had it harder? My point to OP was to get as much help in as she can as it's bloody lonely and hard.

Lol
It's not a competition. I'm pointing out that the two things are not comparable

@littlemissblue

" Single parents are responsible for thinking about and doing everything. No one to consult if an appliance needs replacing, No one to talk to about what bday gift to get for child. No one to share the pain with when things go wrong Having to remember everything about everyone with no back up.

There a many many benefits but being compared to the non working wife who of someone earning lots of money and therefore isn't there much is frankly insulting. "

Now who's being judgemental? All those things you posted above I DID have to do alone. We literally never saw each other in the week and the weekend he slept most of the time or carried on working! You have NO clue what it was like to be me just as I don't know what it is like to be you. I will repeat again the single mum comment was relating to being alone with the children and being responsible for them alone. We didn't have any money at that point which is why he got that job, so the money is a moot point.

Why does it have to be a competition as to who had it harder? My point to OP was to get as much help in as she can as it's bloody lonely and hard.

It really isn’t comparable and it’s very telling that you can’t accept that. I would stop digging if I were you.

It’s like the GS junior staff complaining about their long hours and how terribly hard done by they are. No one is holding a gun to their heads and forcing them to do that role. The belief in exceptionalism in the city is truly something to behold.

@littlemissblue - if I had had to have consulted with DH over replacing appliances or buying birthday presents, he'd have wondered if I'd had a lobotomy. Part of the load in these relationships/set ups is that the dh or dw with the high power job doesn't have to get involved because they can rely on the competence of the other partner.

Apologies I think that was to Leibniz Queen.

leib I will be direct with you, household help is an absolute necessity in my life whether I work or not. The house and gardens are too big for me to manage alone. I would be cleaning all day every day just to cover the basics. So definitely not a luxury for us. I don’t need to justify to you what is essential to my life and what isn’t.

Crikey I've touched a sore point for a few people you clearly. 😀😀😂

Er not really! Touching that you think so though.

@provencegal

kora spot on. It’s possible to retire at 40 of course, but is it desirable to most? When the carrot dangles there of a few more bonuses, and whilst many IBs are brilliant parents they are unlikely to find true contentment and fulfilment in village coffee mornings and nursery pick ups after a life time in the fast lane. They tend to be by default driven, fiercely intelligent and need considerable challenges in life. My dh took a break thinking of long term retirement, he did a few years of ft hands on parenting, stacking dishwashers and other monotonous jobs that makes up the bulk of parenting and couldn’t get back to the city fast enough! It would have been a shame to see him wasted if I am honest. So whilst I do know of a few IB that retired to a farm in Devon, or become chefs for their own restaurant after the crash of 2008. They are very few and far between. Most love the adrenalin and fast pace of IB. Not to mention the fact you can earn more in a year in IB, than an entire life time of working in most other jobs. Do the maths and most choose to stay, as kora says usually also knee deep in financial commitments of the life style choices that creep up along the way, and dare I say it status.

Interesting.

I have wondered about my friend and her DH and if their plans for him to semi-retire at 50 will actually happen.

It's not that far away now and a very different concept from when it was a plan a decade into the future.

With her DH in the city during the week she's established a very busy and fulfilling life full of interest/hobbies and a wide social circle. Of course what allows this is the extensive "outsourcing" of a lot of "home management" and boarding school fees.

I do wonder when it comes to it if either of them will want to swap lifestyle they've become used to for something that's fundamentally less glamorous/more mundane - especially as they both seem happy with the status quo irrespective of the compromises.

My husband also works long hours in banking. My advice is just to not expect much time from them because their jobs are all consuming and frankly pretty horrendous so you probably don’t want to add to that stress. As others suggest get as much outside help as you can and just enjoy what time you all have together as a family.

deRigeur Expect the same to continue until he is booted out or drops dead, as it sounds like they very much enjoy what they have. He will then take up golf, sit on the board for a few places and they will travel extensively with friends.

@littlemissblue

" Single parents are responsible for thinking about and doing everything. No one to consult if an appliance needs replacing, No one to talk to about what bday gift to get for child. No one to share the pain with when things go wrong Having to remember everything about everyone with no back up.

There a many many benefits but being compared to the non working wife who of someone earning lots of money and therefore isn't there much is frankly insulting. "

Now who's being judgemental? All those things you posted above I DID have to do alone. We literally never saw each other in the week and the weekend he slept most of the time or carried on working! You have NO clue what it was like to be me just as I don't know what it is like to be you. I will repeat again the single mum comment was relating to being alone with the children and being responsible for them alone. We didn't have any money at that point which is why he got that job, so the money is a moot point.

Why does it have to be a competition as to who had it harder? My point to OP was to get as much help in as she can as it's bloody lonely and hard.

You're absolutely right and of course no one who hasn't experienced it knows what it's like. The additional factor is the resentment for someone who could help, doesn't, plus the extra stress of being expected to support the other adult.

Also, and I'm logging off this thread after this, I really hate all these stereotypes. I'm not interested in living in the country, I don't play tennis, DH doesn't want a Rolex, and we both vote Labour. DC will be going to state school, not boarding school.

I'll let the people who hijacked this thread to argue with one another just carry on now. Thank again for the constructive suggestions.

@LeibnizQueen

Lol It's not a competition. I'm pointing out that the two things are not comparable

Lots of people are saying they ARE comparable. And I agree. For all the reasons @littlemissblue says. Having personally lived through it and decided it was unsustainable.

DH is a company director and has always worked crazy, long hours. But the upside of his manic diary is the large amounts of money he earns. There are very few problems that money can't solve. So, you have a cleaner and a gardener. You put your children into a private nursery a couple of days a week just so you get a break. You buy expensive, but delicious and easy to cook food from Waitrose/M&S. Buy your DH a dozen business shirts so that you can always have 6 at home and 6 at the dry cleaners.

Find a good, local handyman who can do everything from put up a shelf to re-grouting the shower tray. Always tip them generously so you're at the top of their favourites list.

The worst of all worlds is perhaps the junior end of IB op. The long hours for less than brilliant pay.
I wouldn’t encourage anyone to settle for that. All the negatives with none of the positives.
I don’t play tennis and I vote for the Green Party. I am an environmentalist and work long hours. We are not all cardboard copies and variations of Kim K!!
Be happy, keep your life honest and put in some firm boundaries around family time. You will be just fine

My ex husband worked in a similar field with similar hours and expectations. The lack of equality in the marriage was a problem and we are now divorced.

If you can put up with doing it on your own or with hired help to enjoy the lifestyle then you will probably be ok.

If you expect it to change ever then you will probably end up in the same boat as me!

if you can sleep in the same bed as someone else or text/call your partner to tell them about a family emergency or bereavement then it’s not the same as being a single parent is it

you have a support network for those times that you need them. you have someone to hug at night.

your life may be tough yes. but it’s not the same

i’m not even a single parent and i get that....

Surely the key reason it's nothing like being a single parent is you have oodles of cash. I completely get that it must be extremely lonely but it's not the same as being lonel plus 100% financially responsible for a family on your own.

I wonder if money can't be thrown at the actual problem, just the problems caused by it. I know you said he wasn't going to be an IB when you fell in love but was he an IB when you decided to have children? If so how did you imagine the childcare split to be then? Did he say he would be more around than he has been? If that's the case then the real problem won't be solved with hiring help. If he promised he would be there and has let you down that's something that has to be resolved by talking it through.

If it's not panning out the way you imagined for other reasons maybe figure out what you were hoping for and try to make it more like that and maybe money can fix those problems. I'm a single mum and not an IB, so I can't understand what it's like for you but I didn't see this mentioned. I know you've left the thread now but maybe it's something to think about.

@littlemissblue

It's the usual thing of my hardship was harder than yours syndrome. Maybe you shouldn't always assume that you did?

I'm not sure what you mean by this. You clearly weren't a single mum. I appreciate that looking after 3 kids whilst your DH worked away brought particular challenges but it really isn't the same as having no one else to lean on at all.

I no longer have a husband and he wasn't an investment banker but if you're thinking of responding to this post please reflect on your privilege before you conflate your position with those who have a more difficult situation than yours.

I'd rethink the state school decision as private schools offer much better wrap around care and clubs on site so you don't end up paying a nanny to cart them around. If you do end up with more than one it makes even more sense as you don't have to always have one that's being dragged to a siblings club. They can do different things at the same time.

[quote OhamIreally]@littlemissblue

It's the usual thing of my hardship was harder than yours syndrome. Maybe you shouldn't always assume that you did?

I'm not sure what you mean by this. You clearly weren't a single mum. I appreciate that looking after 3 kids whilst your DH worked away brought particular challenges but it really isn't the same as having no one else to lean on at all.

I no longer have a husband and he wasn't an investment banker but if you're thinking of responding to this post please reflect on your privilege before you conflate your position with those who have a more difficult situation than yours.[/quote]
I've explained what I meant over and over. I'm leaving the thread now. I never said being a single mum was easier than what I went through, but if you want to take it that way then so be it.

I don't need your permission to reply to a thread as I see fit, if you don't like the comments then don't read them.

Also, I would advocate having a job if possible? When we started our family I gave up my career and long commute, and instead took very local, low key, part time jobs that fitted in around nursery/school. We didn't need the money, infact my salary barely covered their nursery fees, but it was important to me that I had that work structure, something that got my brain cells ticking over a bit, a small segment of my life that was just for me.

@peaceanddove OP says she isn’t coming back, but in previous posts in this thread she says she owns a business employing 25 people and works on it PT now with someone FT doing operations.