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Original poster

Are you married to an investment banker and have kids?

414 replies

Lisbon83 · 24/04/2021 08:28

My husband is an investment banker at ED level and we recently had a baby.

I'm looking for advice from people in my position who get the hours they do and the particular stresses of the work. It's not 9-5 as we know and it's not possible to be 50/50 split on childcare during weekday evenings for example.

How did you manage family life, looking after yourself, baby etc without tearing your marriage apart? Night feeds, childcare, household chores, life admin, weekends, time for ourselves.. how to organise and any tips or ideas?

Pandemic has made it worse and harder to access outside help but hoping this will become easier soon.

OP posts:
edwinbear · 24/04/2021 23:54

@Daisyroselondon I’m sure you’ve enjoyed the fruits of your dad’s labour though huh Hmm

edwinbear · 25/04/2021 00:03

OP, given your update (thank you). He is in M&A which is well known for being gruesome in terms of hours. I can suggest one of only two things, he moves into a different area of IB or you build a support network.

wigglyears · 25/04/2021 00:05

Not an investment banker but married to a doctor in a competitive specialty with very long training and sadly without the matching salary of an investment banker, city lawyer, etc. We had to move a number of times in early years of having a family. No family help. I worked part time and was exhausted a lot.

If we had earned a very high salary we would have paid for more help I'm sure. Much easier in this situation. A relative of mine who is a magic circle law firm partner (partner also a lawyer) had night nannies and then full time live in nanny, cleaner, etc because they could comfortably afford it.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
edwinbear · 25/04/2021 00:15

M&A is not like being a doctor. I’m sorry, but it isn’t. Given OP’s update, her DH is often given 48hrs notice to put a detailed pitch book together which If he doesn’t deliver within the clients deadlines will cost his bank a fortune in fees. And therefore his job. Regardless of whether it’s a weekend/he’s on holiday etc.

Ideasplease322 · 25/04/2021 00:44

If you only wanted to hear for the wives (and husbands??😳) of investment bankers, why not ask one or two in real life?

Your Question was odd, the answer is obvious - you have a husband who works incredibly long hours and can’t be relied on to be there even when he says he will be and who is under incredible work pressure. There may be some very specific investment banker problem that is unique to that one job. Many people have claimed there is, I haven’t yet heard it.

As I said upthread there is no specific investment banker solution to this. Pay for help, make friends, live your life. Your husband isn’t going to help you with the children, he isn’t going to be around to have much of a relationship with them or you,. You are happy to stay in the marriage so there isn’t much more you can do - suck it up, hire someone help, make some friends, hope he retires early

Kisskiss · 25/04/2021 00:58

My friends had to hire cleaners / full time nanny or night nanny.. the ones who couldn’t afford nannies got au pairs.... it was impossible to manage otherwise with their working hours.. good luck and I hope you find some suitable solution and balance

Kisskiss · 25/04/2021 01:01

Ps hopefully he might be able to exit in a couple of years? I know PE/family offices / hedge funds pay better for less hours abd stress..

Confusedaboutlots · 25/04/2021 01:20

@rainpurplerain

Edwinbear so do you ever feel really guilty for the kids who say are fabulous at rugby who don't get those opportunities? The kids who are in sink schools whereas your kids sound like they are going to join the elite?

Does the level of wealth you enjoy ever make you feel a bit sick?

I am a SAHM now - have worked, we don't have lots of money, but what I totally miss about my wage was being able to actually help other families that were not that well off, you know school uniforms, or paying for a tutor for a kid who was say a talented musician. getting some groceries for a friend who was struggling.

I can't imagine having the wealth you have but always wonder how it really feels to put your kids in private schools and have them set up for life while others who work just as hard as you have worked will never have that level of wealth?

I had a friend who did HR for Merchant Bankers and a lawyer friend who was paid ok but they both hated the total intrusion in their life and no they didn't get to retire early or anything like that but were hounded by IB types who just expected them to be at their beck and call.

why should anyone feel guilty for enjoying the fruits of their labour and luck?! yes to helping others but why feel guilt?!

There are always people worse off and better off than you - are we meant to feel guilty that we are lucky enough to be in the developing world, have runny water etc? privileged, lucky, thankful for sure - but guilty?! personally i don’t think so

Confusedaboutlots · 25/04/2021 01:35

@Kisskiss

Ps hopefully he might be able to exit in a couple of years? I know PE/family offices / hedge funds pay better for less hours abd stress..
or asset management - often still a good pay but better hours
MarthaGinyard · 25/04/2021 01:45

M&A is not like being a doctor. I’m sorry, but it isn’t

Goodness no, an IB in M&A is a Very Important Man who can neglect his young children because he has to increase the fortunes of his ridiculously rich clients.

Why massage the egos of men like that?

HotChoc10 · 25/04/2021 02:00

If single mothers manage to cope, I'm sure wives of IBs can

Confusedaboutlots · 25/04/2021 02:05

@MarthaGinyard

M&A is not like being a doctor. I’m sorry, but it isn’t

Goodness no, an IB in M&A is a Very Important Man who can neglect his young children because he has to increase the fortunes of his ridiculously rich clients.

Why massage the egos of men like that?

doctors make life and death situations

but...financial markets are critical to the economy, value of pensions, jobs, lending and interest rates - the city is connected to everything and doesn’t sit in some standalone bubble

people in IB aren’t necessarily making rich people richer - OP’s DH is probably doing a restructuring that’s saving 1000s of jobs - like the acquisition of debenhams

i do find it frustrating how people don’t seem to really understand how the city works or what they do and just makes snap judgements

without capital markets or a functioning economy, you can forget about having jobs, houses or any semblance of the society we all benefit from in some way

MarthaGinyard · 25/04/2021 02:05

Not an investment banker but DH is a partner in a law firm. Ridiculous hours. Monday - Friday I've had to accept that I do 100% of everything child and house related. Weekends (although he often works at least one day) we try to split childcare and chores 50/50. It's not easy

But if women didn't put up with this rhap

MarthaGinyard · 25/04/2021 02:08

Sorry, I was saying ... if women didn't put up with this crap, what would happen? Would law firms/banks collapse or would they start working normalish hours?

I know it would bruise a lot of male egos but they could be more hands on dads than just taking the kids to Starbucks on a Saturday.

Confusedaboutlots · 25/04/2021 02:13

@MarthaGinyard

M&A is not like being a doctor. I’m sorry, but it isn’t

Goodness no, an IB in M&A is a Very Important Man who can neglect his young children because he has to increase the fortunes of his ridiculously rich clients.

Why massage the egos of men like that?

and OP’s DH probably doesn’t feel that important at all. he went into a career where his bosses and clients demand the world of him - and if he doesn’t perform he will be contributing to a whole company or even potential sector not performing. - and that’s the news we all then wake up to the next day...

he is probably just treading water to keep up

i base this on my husband and close friend who are ex IB and that was also how i work as a city lawyer - told what to do most of the time

MarthaGinyard · 25/04/2021 02:15

I thought Debenhams had gone bust. Has it not?

With all of Debenhams' stores closing down permanently as part of the liquidation and wind-down process, it means up to 12,000 staff would not have their jobs saved

Confusedaboutlots · 25/04/2021 02:15

@MarthaGinyard

Sorry, I was saying ... if women didn't put up with this crap, what would happen? Would law firms/banks collapse or would they start working normalish hours?

I know it would bruise a lot of male egos but they could be more hands on dads than just taking the kids to Starbucks on a Saturday.

but it’s not just a male thing. best friend is ex m and a and when we lived together she would get a taxi in at 5am and go back to work at 7am 2 or 3 nights a week.

it’s just the demands of the job. the sector and client expectations need to change for everyone ..... but money makes the whole world go around and what they do is so linked to money that i don’t see this changing anytime soon

Confusedaboutlots · 25/04/2021 02:17

@MarthaGinyard

I thought Debenhams had gone bust. Has it not?

With all of Debenhams' stores closing down permanently as part of the liquidation and wind-down process, it means up to 12,000 staff would not have their jobs saved

online operations and certain debenhams assets/ intangibles were bought out at the last minute by boohoo

that’s literally the exact thing that OP’s DH would most likely be working on

MarthaGinyard · 25/04/2021 02:18

and OP’s DH probably doesn’t feel that important at all. he went into a career where his bosses and clients demand the world of him - and if he doesn’t perform he will be contributing to a whole company or even potential sector not performing. - and that’s the news we all then wake up to the next day

He's a clever bloke, why not do something else? Then he can be an equal partner to his wife and a father who is present.

Susannahmoody · 25/04/2021 02:18

Well, this is insightful.

They really ARE special!

Best comment is upthread, from someone whose husband was a long distance lorry driver, leaving at 5am and getting home at 10pm - 'they just got on with it'.

MarthaGinyard · 25/04/2021 02:20

Yes, I know about Boohoo. But were thousands of jobs saved?

Susannahmoody · 25/04/2021 02:20

If single mothers manage to cope, I'm sure wives of IBs can

^
This.

Confusedaboutlots · 25/04/2021 02:28

@MarthaGinyard

and OP’s DH probably doesn’t feel that important at all. he went into a career where his bosses and clients demand the world of him - and if he doesn’t perform he will be contributing to a whole company or even potential sector not performing. - and that’s the news we all then wake up to the next day

He's a clever bloke, why not do something else? Then he can be an equal partner to his wife and a father who is present.

fair enough but then i suppose we also wouldn’t have CEOs, politicians, or the myriad of other jobs mentioned up top where people work anti-social, difficult or long hours right? lorry drivers, soldiers, farmers all included - all sound bloody tough in their own way.

people enjoy what they do but also want to have a family

re debenhams - it was just an example, these restructurings happen all the time in M&A

MarthaGinyard · 25/04/2021 02:29

I got DC up and out to drop them at their nursery behind my work when they opened at 7.30am, I was at my desk for 7.45am. He collected them at 6.30pm

They were in nursery for 11 hours a day? Grim.

MarthaGinyard · 25/04/2021 02:33

re debenhams - it was just an example, these restructurings happen all the time in M&A

No, you specifically said

OP’s DH is probably doing a restructuring that’s saving 1000s of jobs - like the acquisition of debenhams

Did it save 1000s of jobs?

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