Are you married to an investment banker and have kids?

[Lisbon83]

My husband is an investment banker at ED level and we recently had a baby.

I'm looking for advice from people in my position who get the hours they do and the particular stresses of the work. It's not 9-5 as we know and it's not possible to be 50/50 split on childcare during weekday evenings for example.

How did you manage family life, looking after yourself, baby etc without tearing your marriage apart? Night feeds, childcare, household chores, life admin, weekends, time for ourselves.. how to organise and any tips or ideas?

Pandemic has made it worse and harder to access outside help but hoping this will become easier soon.

That's what Boarding Schools are for.

It’s obviously true that you pay for serious help at home, gardening, handyman and housekeeper that loves children is your best option.

What money can’t buy is the worry you will go through largely alone, the times when you are burnt out/child is ill/situations at school will all be on you. In that sense if you don’t have supportive family other than dh, then you will learn to become strong and resilient most likely the hard way. Most investment banks do not care about paternity or compassionate leave. If you live near family or close friends that will help.

Consider just having one child, because believe me it is hard going when rather are little.

Your dh should be earning enough at least to support you indefinitely if the marriage fails, but do consider training or investing in your skills so that you can work if you want to/need to later on when your child is at the school stage. Complacency about your finances can be a problem. Stay all over everything.

Take time out to look after yourself. Make some solid friends you can rely on. Live close to family.
Make weekends fun m, make your life work for you not the other way around.

You employ a nanny, cook, housekeeper/cleaner, gardener, etc.

I honestly dont know and it must be so hard. Partners cousin is an investment banker who is out the house 5am to 11pm 5 days a week, plus on emails/calls over the weekend. He never takes annual leave and before covid they hadnt been on holiday for 2 years. All that money and they literally never spend it. They do have a cleaner. I wouldnt swap the money for a present partner for anything I dont think

Having a baby is hard and it is harder with so little support from your partner. Pay for as much help as you can, don’t feel bad about it, and try to enjoy life as much as possible. Ask family for as much help as they can give - this will be rewarding for grandparents and good for your child too. We had an au pair in the early days, I wish I had just owned it instead of feeling bad about it at the time. It’s difficult - I wound up being a SAHM because I couldn’t manage my job and main responsibility for parenting; my husband was never going to be able to step up and do more. Sometimes I wish we were both working and parenting more equally for all sorts of reasons but at others I am simply grateful that I don’t have to bear the pressure of running the house and family as well as managing work. Are you going back to work?
Also you breastfeeding? If not you can ask him to do at least one or preferably more of the feeds, it’d be good for him as a bonding experience too. I did bf and expressed milk so my DH could do one of the evening feeds while I napped.
Re housework - make sure DH understands that you may be the person providing the childcare but that doesn’t mean your job should be picking his stuff up for him and tidying up after him etc. Remember that your child is his child too and if he can’t help during the week then he should step up at the weekend and give you time off.
In terms of tips - and this is harder at the moment - go out as much as possible, staying in creates more mess that needs to be tidied up. Also it’s easy to go a bit nuts looking at 4 walls with a crying baby!

DH isn't an investment banker but works crazy hours in finance. I became a sahm for 12 years.

Not investment banker so not the amount if money available but dh was away A LOT when the dcs were little....

Plan the week to suit yourself. Whatever works for you and certainly not relying on helping. Depending on hours he might be able to go the last night feed at 11.00pm before he goes to bed whilst you are in bed at 9.00pm to catch a few hours of sleep.
At the weekend, I’d say he HAS to step up and look after his dcs. Both for your sake and the dcs sake (and his tbh).
Fur the rest, plan and plan the weekends and hols so they work for both of you, not just him

Not married to one, but I used to work for one as a nanny. The mum was a sahm, so they hired me to just help so she would get time to herself, get the support and for them to be able to spend time together

Just buy in help. Get cleaner, window cleaner, oven cleaner, garden help etc. My cleaner hangs out washing and peels veg too.

I am a sahm with 3 young children married to an investment banker. Lockdown has actually been a game changer as he's worked from home so much, although transitioning back to him being in the office now is tough. He tries hard to get back for 7pm so he can help with bedtime and see the children each day. Spontaneous work drinks/dinners are a thing of the past and outside covid entertainment was kept to a minimum.

I do all the night feeds and wake ups, unless two are up and I'm stuck feeding in that case he helps. I do the lions share of the chores but he does help at the weekend. We have cleaners and garden maintenance people to help too. Anything that can be automated is (robot hoover, lawn mower etc). Holidays we take when we can get them!

Yes, concur with others, plenty of paid and trusted help. Both our families live abroad, so we had no immediate help if there was an emergency. I got seriously ill one night, fortunately my DH had just returned that day from a 2 week business trip on the other side of the world,, I spent nearly 3 weeks in hospital and we had to get my MIL to come and help, which took two days to arrange. It made us realise how vulnerable we were, so we got a live in housekeeper after that.

It gets more complicated as the kids get older and have different hobbies they are involved in, different schools, different times, etc. It gets easier again when they are older teens and are more independent.

Hire a trusted driver, we had a part time one, who can help with drop offs and pick ups, can do errands etc., a housekeeper, who can also babysit when needed.

My DH says he 'outsources' the jobs he is unable to help with due to his travel commitments and long work hours.

We do make time for 2 good holidays a year as a family, but he does usually have to do some work while we are on hols.

@JMAngel1 Of course lots of jobs are demanding, but IB has very specific type of responsibilities and pressures which are unique to the industry. Not saying more pressures, necessarily, but specific to IB.

What does an investment banker have to do with it?
Lots of jobs are demanding with crazy hours.

It’s not just the hours themselves but the unpredictability of it.

OP I’d be looking at a night nanny to ensure you get some sleep in the early months. But to be honest once they start going to bed early evening if doesn’t really make much difference, babies will be in bed before lots of parents get home from work at that age.

Get a nanny when you go back to work. Mine does 12 hour days and I was clear when I recruited her that it would be a few extra evenings most weeks and that I needed flexibility. DC1 also went to nursery a few mornings a week from aged 2 and he got plenty of social interaction as our nanny was great at going to playgroups and organising play dates.

Also recommend joining a gym with a crèche. You can use during maternity leave but also on the weekends.

You won’t get equal childcare during evenings or weekends so you’re better off planning how you can best get some time to yourself in other ways.

If you’re not going back to work you could still get a PT nanny so you can get some free time.

Your husband would earn enough for you to outsource help. Cleaners, babysitters and all of that are only helpful if you hire the right people. You will rely on them. Take your time to find them and do not hesitate to let them go if not good. If you do not need to work and do not mind dedicating your time to your family you would be fine. The first few years are crucial and your kids would be for ever grateful if you do this. Once they are all in school you can retake a bit of work or projects. My youngest was five when I started to think of working again.

@RaskolnikovsGarret

This feels like a bit of an old-fashioned and somewhat sexist post, with the assumption that it is always the husband who will be the investment banker. The assumption that only wealthy bankers work long and predictable hours is also odd. Plus the reference to marriage rather than a partner.

But I guess the answer is that most people find a way to manage, as they have to, whether they are married to a banker or not. Having a banker’s salary will no doubt help.

@RaskolnikovsGarret the reason I'm asking in those terms is because that is what applies to me and it's my experience. We are married, and therefore it's a permanent relationship we need to make work. He is the banker and I am the one who gave birth and is on maternity leave. Sorry if that's too old fashioned for you.

Also, nowhere in my post was there an "assumption" that only bankers work hard. That's your reading based on your own preconceived ideas. I simply asked about bankers because again, that's my experience. If you don't want to hear about bankers, or people who are married to one then don't comment on this very specific thread.

When DS was born DH was working as a lorry driver, out at 5/6am and not home til 10 most nights. We didn't have the money to pay a load of staff either. We both just got on with it.

I work in IB.. I would say you need to manage your own expectations. Don't get angry with him not being able to help you when you are sick or the child is sick. Don't get angry when you are exhausted from looking after the child all week and he is not picking up all the childcare on the weekend. There are different family set ups, you (I hope) made a decision to have a baby with a man who earns a lot but is not present and/or available for the family life.
Do outsour everything you can.. Regular cleaner, gardener, cook if needed.. You have money to pay for it. Get a nanny even if it is once or twice a week so you can have a break. All these will keep you less frustrated with the situation where he is not available to help you.
And think long term..He might retire early, you will be mortgage free with lots of money to enjoy your life later on

Have you asked him how he's going to cope with his share of childcare and housework given the long hours and unpredictability of his job?

To me this seems like his problem. He's the one who chose to have a child when he clearly has no time for one. I suspect he will want to outsource a lot of it, which is fine and seems sensible if you've got the money.

Not me but friends. He is a money broker in the City and earns very big 6 figures with bonuses. They moved out of London for lifestyle but it means he leaves at 545am, gets home at about 730pm and stays in town at least two nights a week. She’s a SAHM to three kids. My observations are that they are a devoted couple and absolutely see it as a team game. He places higher value on her role at home than his own as a high earner (“I do the easy bit”). He also really pulls his weight in the home at the weekends. I think that is a huge thing, there is no sense of hierarchy in their relationship and that is why it works. They also don’t have an extravagant high rolling lifestyle. The money has gone into a nice house and school fees, but mostly savings and a plan for early retirement together. The kids are all teens now and absolutely delightful so they’ve definitely done something right!

I’m not sure it’s a lifestyle choice they’d make again, but they’ve made it work by both being incredibly family focussed. I think any slip into “I earn it, she spends it” thinking means you’re doomed.

sounds like a normal mum to me. As sad as it seems , many mums get at least 90% of ALL things home and family related to deal
With. Even if they work as well.

I’m married to a hospital Dr. Not just long hours but on calls too and obviously weekends. Often unpredictable whether he once he’s home that he can stay home, could be called back anytime.

I work part time in a nursery. I do all the housework and laundry. I take responsibility for school runs, homework, caring for ds if he’s off school sick. I walk the dog on my days off. We pay for doggy daycare when I’m at work. Luckily I work term time only otherwise I wouldn’t cope.

Dh does lots of cooking and the gardening.

I'm not sure what specifically you are looking for help with? (Nor am I sure what specific pressures there are with investment banking which don't come e.g. with e.g. certain sections of City Law - and I am married to someone who worked for many years for a US bank in the City). If your husband is at ED level, you outsource everything you can - online shopping, someone to decorate, do the gardening. If you need time for yourself arrange a regular nanny for a day or two a week or find a nursery place and use those days to shop, get your hair done, dentist appointments etc.

Don't bother feeling resentful that the split of childcare is not 50/50, presumably you knew what the pressures were before getting married or pregnant. They don't change because you have a baby and no-one at his work cares or will make allowances. Decide what things are important to you and make the split there e.g. he may do the Sat night wakings/feedings, take the baby for a long walk on Sundays etc. Some things just have to go for the moment.

I'm the one who works in finance, DH's job also has long unpredictable hours and responsibilities in term time. Full time nanny, shifting to au pair as kids get older, cleaner, dog walker, gardener. Friends have nanny/housekeepers which we never managed to find.

We always approached it by aiming to outsource as much as we could, so both parents get the same amount of leisure time.

Just reading some of the posts here - why the hell are you having kids if you’re getting a night time nanny, a day care nanny, a crèche, a cleaner, a gardener, an ironing person...? What is the point of having kids if you can’t give them your time? And with all the paid help , what exactly are you doing all day??

My close friend is married to an investment banker. He never clocks off. Ever. Always twitching looking at his phone etc even during scheduled 'family time'.
They have a huge amount of money, luxury car gorgeous big house in London and the countryside.
My friend doesn't work (well a few hours a month doing something arty) has a cleaner 3 times a week and an au pair and both DC are in prep school now. The au pair seems to help a lot in the evenings.

I don't think they are a very happy family. Despite having lots of nice things. My friend usually seems really bored.