Are you married to an investment banker and have kids?

[Lisbon83]

My husband is an investment banker at ED level and we recently had a baby.

I'm looking for advice from people in my position who get the hours they do and the particular stresses of the work. It's not 9-5 as we know and it's not possible to be 50/50 split on childcare during weekday evenings for example.

How did you manage family life, looking after yourself, baby etc without tearing your marriage apart? Night feeds, childcare, household chores, life admin, weekends, time for ourselves.. how to organise and any tips or ideas?

Pandemic has made it worse and harder to access outside help but hoping this will become easier soon.

Just pay a few working class women minimum wage to do it all for you both, it's all good.

@Lisbon83 - haven't RTFT, only your posts.

IB is a difficult area to work in - essentially, you have to sell your soul to the devil to profit. Therefore your DH will need to work long and unsociable hours in the hope that bonus payments are decent.

I spent 30 years as a PA in this environment (IB and PE). A s:all aside is, build a good relationship with his PA - worth her eight in gold. Keep an open dialogue re important school stuff etc and they will try to factor it in when planning his schedule.

This business can be cut-throat. I’ve been very “lucky’ over the years in that I’ve always opted for bosses who have decent family values. There is no incentive in going the extra mile for a dickhead!

@littlemissblue please don’t compare yourself to a single mum when your dh provides on your own words “an amazing salary “. You’ve completely missed the hardship for most single parents in that they have one salary and also have to work and run and house. Incredibly rude and disrespectful.

My DH is from IB background so I get what you mean about the hours, especially when 'on a deal'. To directly answer your question OP... it's tough but during week all childcare & household will be down to you essentially, including nightfeeds. Get a cleaner if you haven't got one already. Outsource any menial tasks like ironing etc. On weekends, my DH would take the baby in the mornings for an hour or so and usually for walk on a Sunday afternoon so atleast I got a few hours of "me time" then. He'd also do bath times etc, spending as much time with our child and helping me to make up for the week. Unfortunately there will be times when you really resent him and doing everything. I've been there many a time and envied friends whose husband's had 9-5 jobs and were home for bath time each night. It's hard but then his job gives us a nice lifestyle so...

OP, unfortunately Mumsnet is not always the best place for support because absolutely anyone can reply to your thread. If you reveal the slightest bit of privilege then you get a pile on of people saying how spoilt you are. While it’s good to remind yourself to be grateful you’re not a single mum on benefits, you’re probably not needing the package of angry judgement that comes with it.

blow I am not interested in 'selling' IB to you, given the millions of the brightest and best apply every year for any job in IB, banks and funds are not short on talent so I am not sure you would at the top of anyone's list anyway!

IB is a dynamic and energetic business, with the smartest people in the world, it is not however for the faint hearted woke types that think a nursery pick up is more important than a guaranteed income for life!

I guess a child might prefer the security of knowing they won't lose their home and everything they know, being picked up by Mummy instead of Daddy every day is hardly a hardship, and a complete privilege as far as I am concerned, that either of us can be there every day is a blessing.

giggly

👏

Dh is not in IB, but works in a finance related career. I also have quite a demanding career, but have decreased my hours over the years.
Dh has always worked incredibly long hours which has increased over the years. He even works on holiday. There have been many times where myself and the dcs explored tourist sites while dh remained in the hotel.
When we had the dc, I made it clear that I was not going to be a martyr and take on the lion’s share of the childcare and domestic chores.
So we outsourced many things. We had a gardener, a cleaner, a handyman,someone to pick up the kids twice a week . I picked them up twice a week and the other day they would go to an after school club.
Op, you are probably in the fortunate position that you can actually throw money at some of the issues. So throw money at those issues and enjoy life

@Edwinbear has made some really interesting points throughout this thread, the IB widows might do well to read again. The men and women in these jobs do have a choice. If they wanted to be home for bed time occasionally, they could. It's the usual BIG JOB nonsense, albeit with a few more zeros on the end.

" I work year to year knowing I could be made redundant any day"

That doesn't sound very secure. Hopefully you keep your job especially with having DC. My eldest is already at the career planning stage and I have advised him to choose a career with longevity. Good pensions are few and far between now so can hardly argue this point with him in terms of careers.

Sounds like you are teaching your DS to be sensible with money which will stand him in good stead.

I think it was relevant to mention the specific industry. Different industries have different norms and from my experience, the ones in certain parts of financial services (and corporate law, and medicine) can be utterly poisonous to family life. It takes a strong person to resist them.

One of the issues is the need to live very close to work in specific locations of the country, therefore meaning a direct trade off between size of house (therefore possibility of live in staff) and commute. These do affect doctors too of course, but at least their industry is spread over the country and the world in a way the City of London and the other financial hubs aren't.

The partners of these people essentially have a third party in their marriage, day and night.

Sorry that was for edwinbear.

Op, given your update and your intention to continue with what sounds like a very demanding and fulfilling career and business of your own, I would think very very carefully about having more children. I found one child easy enough to manage, but once you introduce multiple children into the picture, and even with lots and lots of help - you will be stretched, very stretched in every way. Having help is a job in itself managing it all, don't forget, so maybe a PA is a good idea someone to be 'you' effectively? They organise your time, the help, the home, shopping, paperwork, the children's activities etc.

The couples I know that are both holding down very big jobs and have a few children as well usually feel very compromised at times, especially in the winter when everyone is ill/nativities and christmas demands generally.

To achieve a good life work balance with security is achievable, and working FT running your own substantial business with a dh in IB whilst raising very young children will require lots of thought and planning, and will become so much easier when the dc is older. There is no such thing as having it all, so keep things simple and doable and realistic. Or you will become one of those frazzled, burnt out over achievers that end up failing on all fronts.

**dc ARE older

OP thank you for your update. Are you planning to use a nursery when you return to work part time? If so you could book some extra hours so that you have either some time to yourself it time to do home admin jobs etc?
Also when are you hope by to move?

Hoping to move?

Two pieces of advice after many years working in banking at a more senior level than your DH.

• Protect yourself: ensure equal access to all money, keep your job. These jobs are notorious for affairs due to long hours and lots of travelling.
• Live within your means. ED is a decent rank which may lead to more but not necessarily. I'm going slightly against the prevailing advice here but live within your means and only get the gardeners, nannies and cleaning teams if you can truly afford it. Ditto private schools and second homes.

I've seen too many people run close to the wind and get stuck in the job. It can be am exhilarating job but only for as long as it doesn't feel like there's no choice.

Sorry OP I failed to see your post before writing the above. It seems you have your head screwed on tightly and are not trying to overspend. Plus you have your own career. So both of my points are moot.

@blowinahoolie

korawick12345 children who are privately educated will be unaware of the difficulties and struggles the average child goes through. Naturally if something goes wrong, money will automatically fix a problem if that's how you are raised. This unfortunately will only go so far in life (vast amounts of wealth will not be of benefit if diagnosed with a terminal illness, for example). Completely out of touch with real struggles many go through.

My DC are brought up to know others have difficulties, there are very poor families, social injustices etc. We are not poor but we are not rich either. It's so important to teach empathy early on 🙂.

So by your logic, kids who grow up in very rich first world countries like the U.K. will naturally be less empathetic than those who are raised in poor countries. I grew up in South Africa and even though I had quite an affluent life I regularly interacted with beggars, saw shanty towns where people lived and even saw the effects of the terrible crime in the country in the media daily. However, that does NOT mean I’m necessarily more empathetic.

As you said, death and illness affect people regardless of their income so why would kids from wealthy homes be shielded from it any more than those from less wealthy ones?

My experience growing up in South Africa is that some people are incredibly empathetic and dedicate time and resources to helping those in need while others become almost desensitised to it and live alongside great suffering without much thought to the plight of others. It would be the same with kids raised in wealthy families.

@wizzywig

Agree with *@DinosaurDiana* don't become a sahm. I did it. I felt like his personal skivvy and it was like my life 100% revolved around him. I now have a full time job that is similarly all consuming (I love the job). And now we do competitive "my job is harder". Thing is, you're likely to be living with someone who likes the money, lifestyle, adrenaline and status

This.

And if he's anything like mine, he'll think he's much more important than you. Whatever you do, don't let this happen. Don't put your life aside to make his easier.

My BIL is in IB and his wife doesn’t work. It definitely seems to suit them and the DC.

[quote giggly]@littlemissblue please don’t compare yourself to a single mum when your dh provides on your own words “an amazing salary “. You’ve completely missed the hardship for most single parents in that they have one salary and also have to work and run and house. Incredibly rude and disrespectful.[/quote]
I was speaking to you I was speaking to OP -

[quote giggly]@littlemissblue please don’t compare yourself to a single mum when your dh provides on your own words “an amazing salary “. You’ve completely missed the hardship for most single parents in that they have one salary and also have to work and run and house. Incredibly rude and disrespectful.[/quote]
Sent before I was ready. I was merely pointing out to OP that i was alone the majority of the time with the children.

Sorry if I caused an offence but people should stop looking for a reason to be aggrieved a lot of the time. Of course I know how fortunate we are in other ways I was pointing out both the pros and the cons.

The only bit that really phased me (and DH isn't an IB but similar genre and IBs were often clients) were the rumours put about at the local primary that we had split up during the year he spent more time in NY than in London.

Taking the usual arguments about state/private schools out of the equation, that sort of nonsense never existed at the dc's private schools.

You learn that you are by yourself (physically and mentally)

Work is 24/7
I’m a sahm (used to be high earner)
Have nannies, gardeners , iron man, valet cars everything that can be outsourced is.
I’m going to hire a full time house keeper once builder work is done.
4 kids all independent schools
Big house
Nice cars
But you learn you are number 2... work is 100 percent he walks out in restaurants to take important calls, work all hours, come home pissed, takes calls on holiday it is literally 24/7 work.
Join a country club get your own hobbies and always have a back up plan with paid employees / nanny etc - ask them to do it adds too much stress.
Book 4 holidays in advance a yr that is what we live for (Without Covid)
Also they will never attend sports day, xmas plays etc you act like a single mum ....
I think you just have to accept it as it’s causes too much arguments but they work to earn for the family.

You have to work out what you enjoy .... and never plan for them to be there! Bonus if they are 🤣🤣🤣