Are you married to an investment banker and have kids?

[Lisbon83]

My husband is an investment banker at ED level and we recently had a baby.

I'm looking for advice from people in my position who get the hours they do and the particular stresses of the work. It's not 9-5 as we know and it's not possible to be 50/50 split on childcare during weekday evenings for example.

How did you manage family life, looking after yourself, baby etc without tearing your marriage apart? Night feeds, childcare, household chores, life admin, weekends, time for ourselves.. how to organise and any tips or ideas?

Pandemic has made it worse and harder to access outside help but hoping this will become easier soon.

Do you work/going back to work?

I’m not in that position but if he earns a lot of money you pay other people to do some of that stuff for you.

Not me but a friend. They moved out of London to be closer to her family so that they could help with the kids. He had a flat in London during the week.

My hubby had a job where he was away for a week or more at a time.
I gave up my job, became a SAHM, and did everything. All he did was his job.
I would never do that again.

What does an investment banker have to do with it?
Lots of jobs are demanding with crazy hours.

Not an investment banker but ex-lawyer married to someone high-earning / long hours.

Throw money at the problem, is my advice. Obviously it’s important that you and DH spend time together and with DC for everyone’s wellbeing but look at what’s currently making your life difficult and see if you can outsource it. Cleaning, cooking are the obvious ones; night feeds esp if bottle feeding/expressing, night nannies are £120-150/night in London; perhaps a day nanny for a day / few half days a week if you are overwhelmed with childcare and want a break.

Outside help is key, as well as working out a routine. Cleaners, ironing lady, gardener. I was a Sahm for the baby/toddler years, but had them in nursery two days a week from 10 months to give me time to sleep.

My friend is, she previously had a professional career but hasn’t worked for years. They have 2 small DC and no family nearby. I don’t think she was too bothered about giving up work and he earns £££££££.

Not investment banker dh but works long hours. Get used to doing most things yourself, pay for things like cleaning and gardening, get a routine going and put things in a shared calendar. Make sure you get time to do things by yourselves and together.

I’m not, so not sure what your difficulties are, but if it’s that he works long hours I’ve been in that situation (DH out the house 7am-9pm minimum 5 days a week). If you let us know what the challenges are there might be a wider pool of people who can help.

My DC are grown up but I was in that position when they were babies and toddlers.
How I managed was to have a very strict routine during the day for naps etc and an early bedtime. Mine were good sleepers so nights weren’t really an issue apart from the first 8 weeks and then I did all the nights apart from a few with DC3.
I didn’t work and joined a really nice gym with a crèche and used that a lot. I also put the DC in nursery for one half day a week from 6 months building up to 5 half days at age 4.
During the weekends we’d both get an hour for ourselves each day to read the paper, watch sport etc and that worked really well.
The gym was very positive for me because I got a break from the DC and also worked out or did a really long swim, sauna etc and then had a nice shower so I didn’t need to find time for that at home.
I can’t remember how I did dinner but I think I started prepping it earlier in the day.

Agree with @DinosaurDiana don't become a sahm. I did it. I felt like his personal skivvy and it was like my life 100% revolved around him. I now have a full time job that is similarly all consuming (I love the job). And now we do competitive "my job is harder". Thing is, you're likely to be living with someone who likes the money, lifestyle, adrenaline and status

My DiL worked as a trader in the City. She left home at 6.00am and got home after 7.00pm and that was on the days she didn’t have to entertain clients. My DS was a SAHD for 8 years. One time she reminded her line manager that she was due to go away for two weeks at the weekend and he told her if she went she shouldn’t come back. This is a job you can only do for so long. One of her friends ‘retired’ at 35. Then he found himself a job he enjoyed working in finance in the film industry. Presumably his job gives you a good standard of living and you can afford a nanny, gardener and cleaner? Even a night nanny? You need to discuss what you both want out of life. Remind him that no one ever puts on their tombstone ‘ I wish I had spent more time at the office’.

My husband isn't an investment banker but has always worked long hours. We have 3 kids. I just did the bulk of the home stuff unless he was around.
He slept separately while kids were young. At weekends he would help - usually with the kids because he hadn't seen them all week. Although Sunday morning was/is his time. He's actually now home based which obviously changes things....youngest was 5 eldest 8 when that happened.

As for holidays etc....he told me what he could take and we made them count. But I've never worried about doing things myself with the kids...day trips, nights away (my first time with 3 in a hotel room alone was a steep learning curve of things to think about....because you can't just pop out for anything....not even something you've left in the car.

I did have parents locally who have been able to help in an emergency, or if I wasn't coping....one child always wanted to be held at time to cook dinner.....my dad used to help me....but it got easier as I worked out routines etc.

We didn't have a big house....but if we did I would definitely have got a cleaner/ironing help. (I never wanted help with childcare as that was why I had given up work was to be with my kids. But....if there is no support locally you can consider some support from nursery or a baby sitter.)

You have to be a team. Neither should put too much pressure on the other. You both have important roles. Don't compare to others....my NCT group was full of Daddies getting home at 6 and taking over bath time and bedtime routines.....my OH would limp in at 9pm and be hungry and tired.
(However if I'd had a tough day he wouldn't moan if the washing still needed hanging out, the floor wasn't clear and we had basic food....as long as there was food.)

Time goes so quickly. So enjoy it. Kids need less than adults in terms of experiences. A walk to the park is as fun as a day out. So simplify things.

I gave up my job. Did everything in the house and everything for the kids. I mean everything. I know people say that but I really did /do everything. He just works. He was knackered, I was knackered. He has work, can still work and has been promoted to a comfortable wage and funds our life. I have no career and am seen in the house as a domestic appendage. I can’t get a job.
If I had my time again I would either not become a SAHM and employ a nanny and a housekeeper and accept the juggle of two working parents, or ask him to drop hours and accept the salary loss for he sake of a shared life together as a team.

This feels like a bit of an old-fashioned and somewhat sexist post, with the assumption that it is always the husband who will be the investment banker. The assumption that only wealthy bankers work long and predictable hours is also odd. Plus the reference to marriage rather than a partner.

But I guess the answer is that most people find a way to manage, as they have to, whether they are married to a banker or not. Having a banker’s salary will no doubt help.

On holidays we usually booked ones with childcare. So we’d go on one or two Mark Warner holidays a year and enjoy doing activities together during the day and dinner out each evening. We’d go to Center Parcs and have family time but also book the childcare and go off to the spa together.
One thing I’d do differently is get some good babysitters so we could have had nights out together during the year and not just on holidays. We had no family around and only found a good babysitter when the youngest was about 3 and even then hardly went out as a couple.

My Dh is an investment banker in London (we live south Lincolnshire) and got the job when my son was 1. 10 years later and we have 2 DD's 15 months apart (not planned!) so when that happened it was v v v hard to juggle.
Dh left at 530am and didn't get home til 10pm in the early days, before covid it was 6am- 8pm but still missed most of bedtime!
I was basically a single mum but had family close by to help, it's a compromise I guess it was a great job and the money is amazing so we have managed to buy a house and the kids want for nothing but he did miss a lot of them growing up which is regrettable.

I gave up work when youngest DD came along as there was no other way but now all mine are in school I have a part time job.

I did have a cleaner for a bit when they were v small and we have a gardener so that's one less thing to think about. Dh worked from home one day a week so he could take ds to football and see the kids a bit more.

It's been amazing having him work from home the last year, the children have grown a lot closer to him and having him on hand to help has been lovely.

Both my brothers were investment bankers for a while. Both married to city lawyers. Both wives became sahms while kids were young as brothers were rarely around and if they were physically present, they were often on the end of a phone doing business. Both hired help for childcare. Having made (presumably,) enormous amounts of money, both brothers are no longer bankers. One has a job with a very much better work life balance and his wife now works. The other brother has a job that is still very, very full on and his wife is still a sahm.

DH is a surgeon and was doing his registrar rotation when our children were babies. We had also had to move for his job. I was pretty much on my own. We managed, we both went into it knowing what his commitment to work would be. I left my job and started a business I could do from home. Our separate finances became joint before DS1 was born.

DH also ensured money was going equally into our individual savings accounts. We arranged a cleaner once a week. It was hard but it worked for us. I think it was important that we prepared in advance and made sure we knew what we were going into.

I work for ex investment bankers who work round the clock, they throw money at such problems

Yup! Personally I think the drinking culture in banking is much harder to put up with than the working hours. He would leave for work at 6am, and often not be home until 11ish because they'd all been in the pub. This was an expected part of the job. Things have improved though, and even though he still works stupid hours he's around for us more and does a lot at the weekends. Covid largely killed the drinking culture so it will be interesting to see what happens now the pubs are open again...

Buy in help if you can, especially if no family nearby, and lower standards in the first year help immensely. It's swings and roundabouts really because although I do the vast amount of the parenting etc we have a nice lifestyle. His salary also means I can continue to work in a job I really love, but pays badly! That's what keeps me from being resentful about the long hours I suppose

Try being married to a scientist! 70 hour weeks were the norm, 7 days a week (if I was lucky he would "only" work 2 hours on a Sunday.). And unlike banking there's no pay packet to pay for in home help at the beginning of career.

I didn't work outside the home so I did 95% of home tasks and all childcare of course until nursery age. Later on I worked pt and we got a cleaner. It sucked looking back but you just get on

I also had to de with a dc with sn so even now, as an adult, I'm dealing with that which exh conveniently ignores (but to be fair gives me maintenance despite it not being legally mandated as over 18)

If you’re not working and he earns plenty, I’d get him to DD some money into your own personal account every month and pay a private pension for you.