Are you married to an investment banker and have kids?

[Lisbon83]

My husband is an investment banker at ED level and we recently had a baby.

I'm looking for advice from people in my position who get the hours they do and the particular stresses of the work. It's not 9-5 as we know and it's not possible to be 50/50 split on childcare during weekday evenings for example.

How did you manage family life, looking after yourself, baby etc without tearing your marriage apart? Night feeds, childcare, household chores, life admin, weekends, time for ourselves.. how to organise and any tips or ideas?

Pandemic has made it worse and harder to access outside help but hoping this will become easier soon.

Not IB exactly but IB adjacent. For the first child I went back to work and DS went to nursery. The hardest times were when DH had a contract abroad, DS missed him desperately and I was a bit trapped. The little things were the most annoying, like realising I needed to buy an ingredient but couldn’t because DS was already in bed.

With the second child I stopped working. It was less tiring but more isolating. Especially as the older child’s issues were becoming more obvious.

We moved county when they were still little quite close to my parents. DH was still travelling a lot so I got an au pair mostly to have another adult in the house in case my DM needed help with my terminally ill DF after the DC were asleep. DF died before the au pair started but I really enjoyed having her there that summer so kept having au pairs for another six years or so.

We always had a cleaner even before DC, and when we moved to a house with a garden we got gardener. I also went to lots of toddler play groups and classes to take the edge off my high-energy DS. Later the au pairs were great for endless football playing.

@JMAngel1

What does an investment banker have to do with it? Lots of jobs are demanding with crazy hours.

Well yes, but are the salaries as high?

why the hell are you having kids if you’re getting a night time nanny, a day care nanny, a crèche, a cleaner, a gardener, an ironing person...? - I don't think anyone is suggesting that one person needs ALL of those things but is showing the OP that there are lots of options to free up time or help with housework etc.
What is the point of having kids if you can’t give them your time? - I think that's what people are trying to do - outsource whatever they can (doing all the cleaning or gardening doesn't necessarily improve your child's life) so the time can be spent WITH their kids.

Also I’ve just got used to him working through the holidays. Even before DC I remember an epic holiday to New Zealand that ended up as an Internet cafe tour. He would spend an entire morning working and I would wander around a town by myself. If we were lucky and the hotel had internet then he would spend the evening working while I did laundry.

*What does an investment banker have to do with it?
Lots of jobs are demanding with crazy hours.

Well yes, but are the salaries as high?*

Some are - law, some management consultancy, property etc. But I think that's the point others are making - at least in this kind of industry you have money to alleviate some of the work, lots of families have the long hours (maybe for both partners) but still don't have the money to throw at cleaners, gyms etc so understandable why some are rolling their eyes at the OP's post.

I’ve replied upthread a few times but another thing I though of was we moved a few times but kept things as simple as we could even if we didn’t use the cheapest option. So we bought a few new build homes and always part exchanged our old home. Then we got any extras such as landscaping or curtain packs and packers to do all the packing etc. Neither of us needed any extra stress. We also only had brand new cars so no work was ever needed on them. I don’t think either of us could have coped with any home renovations when the DC were young.
One thing I did notice was that my DH’s job actually got a bit easier with each promotion. The hours became a bit shorter and he gets less calls in the middle of the night from Asia or New York as one of his team is now dealing with the problem. The hardest bit was probably when the DC were younger and he was building his career.

@JustSleepAlready

Just reading some of the posts here - why the hell are you having kids if you’re getting a night time nanny, a day care nanny, a crèche, a cleaner, a gardener, an ironing person...? What is the point of having kids if you can’t give them your time? And with all the paid help , what exactly are you doing all day??

You will undoubtedly get slated for that but actually I agree. Being married to a Doctor people were always advising me to outsource everything. But apart from the fact that Doctors earn nowhere near what investment bankers earn (and I know that because some of dh’s Uni friends went into banking / finance), I would be very uncomfortable with our home and family life being run by other people. I am just very organised and don’t try to have a show home. We have to have doggy daycare but everything else can be managed with careful planning and some hard work.

Just pay for help then? Between you, you probably have more time at your disposal than a couple with 2 full time working parents in non-investment banking jobs. And you certainly have more resources at your disposal.

I think you may need to thank your lucky stars you aren't a military wife. Then you'd be left to it for months at a time. Although to be fair, it's probably then easier to have your routine, with out and interrupting tired banker popping up at odd hours. Just do what you can and enjoy the time he is about.

I’m not really understanding this thread. What has the the investment banker bit got to do with anything? It doesn't make you elite because of the high salary. Thousands of low paid workers work long long hours on low pay and they have exactly the same problems. But the difference is they just get on with it. They can’t afford cleaners, nanny’s, gardeners and so on.

@JustSleepAlready

Just reading some of the posts here - why the hell are you having kids if you’re getting a night time nanny, a day care nanny, a crèche, a cleaner, a gardener, an ironing person...? What is the point of having kids if you can’t give them your time? And with all the paid help , what exactly are you doing all day??

That’s rot.

I’m public sector and have a cleaner and a gardener. I haven’t ironed for years but if I did I’d probably outsource it.

What’s paying someone to do the jobs you haven’t got time or inclination to do got to do with the point of having kids?

Quite sure my baby prefers it that I’m not having to scrub the toilet when I’m home with him.

(And also he won’t be put down, but that’s another thread...)

@JustSleepAlready

Just reading some of the posts here - why the hell are you having kids if you’re getting a night time nanny, a day care nanny, a crèche, a cleaner, a gardener, an ironing person...? What is the point of having kids if you can’t give them your time? And with all the paid help , what exactly are you doing all day??

What does having a cleaner, gardener or someone to do the ironing have to do with it? Surely that’s a way to spend more time with your kids?

And I have a nanny because I work full time, as does DP. But I expect you don’t agree with mothers working either. And I use a crèche at the gym on the weekend because that means DP and I can both exercise at the same time (he takes DC2 with him in the running buggy) which leaves more of the day to spend all together as a family.

A few years ago now, but this was me. DH slightly less senior - probably more shit in that he had no discretion on hours. He used to regularly pull all nighters to hit deal dates but weirdly didn't have to do lots of weekend working.

I had had a decent career in professional services. I quit after mat leave because I couldn't figure out how to make traveling to client site 3 days a week sustainable, and did another 3 years as a sahm. I did everything for the kids during the week - he was out too early and back too late to do anything useful. I only cooked for the kids and I. The housework just about took us to breaking point - when we only had DC1 I used to chuck him at his dad to take out of the house to buy food on a Saturday morning and then try to get it all done in a oner. It wasn't sustainable - we got a cleaner.

My DM used to come once a month to visit - and we could get out for a couple of pints or something to eat. If I had my time again I'd have got a good local babysitter but I didn't know anyone (we moved just after DC1 was born) so that we could have gone out more.

I think I'm quite blessed, really because DH isn't a dickhead. He didn't get all "I work all week so should have lots of time to relax/do hobbies at the weekend". He liked hanging out with the kids. He cycled to work instead of spending the weekends out cycling. I didn't have lots of time for hobbies etc because when he was around I wanted to spend the time with him!

If I had my time again I might have listened to the contraception lecture after DC1 and the gap to DC2 might have been more reasonable!

@Moonpeg

I’m not really understanding this thread. What has the the investment banker bit got to do with anything? It doesn't make you elite because of the high salary. Thousands of low paid workers work long long hours on low pay and they have exactly the same problems. But the difference is they just get on with it. They can’t afford cleaners, nanny’s, gardeners and so on.

The hours investment bankers work is insane, they are still on the phone once home, on holidays- until you’ve seen it you couldn’t imagine it. Don’t get me wrong it’s well recompensed but it would strain every relationship

You Chuck money at it and outsource, or you get on with it. You are the SAHM at the moment so if he's working crazy hours you pick up the slack at home.

Nanny cleaner gardener ironing lady pay for everything

Pay for help, and make sure you’ve got a complete overview of the family finances. Go back to work baby is a bit older (even if you don’t need the money) so that you don’t become deskilled and you’re contributing.

@ JustSleepAlready tell us about your family success story specially if you live in London without family nearby.

OnlyFoolsnMothers

Yes I get what your saying but I know quite a few guys that work in the local factories and warehouses doing long long hours to make ends meat. Ok they switch of after shift but are prob exhausted by the time they get home.

OP I get it. I’m not a banker but I do work in M&A and my OH did previously too. I think there are a lot of people on here who just don’t understand the impact that kind of job can have. It’s not the long hours themselves, it’s having your weekends and holidays interrupted at a moments notice and clients that are impossible to say no to. In most other jobs with long hours when people are home they’re home.

But you must realise that with that disruption comes an excellent salary so you really can afford help in lots of ways that others can’t. Organise things that work for you and allow you some time to do the things you want to do.

I am
3 kids 11, 8, 4
Work full time as nhs consultant

Was easiest when they were preschool age. School has been a patchwork of options but we’ve done ok. Much easier since I realigned my career intentions and went for a job closer to home so I can do drop off before heading to work.

I think there are a lot of people on here who just don’t understand the impact that kind of job can have. It’s not the long hours themselves, it’s having your weekends and holidays interrupted at a moments notice and clients that are impossible to say no to. In most other jobs with long hours when people are home they’re home 1000%
Imagine every dinner, parents evening, holiday being interrupted with phone call after phone call- and there is no “sorry I’m busy” it is 24/7 on. My boss has had to leave a family holiday in the Caribbean to fly to China for one conversation that the client wouldn’t have on the phone. The money is enviable the lifestyle is not.

Not an IB but dh worked in a job with very long hours when the dc were small. We eventually had very frank discussions about our life plans, our values in regards to family and our own dc, and what treating each other as equal partners meant in practice. If I could have a do-over we’d have had those discussions before I reached crisis point.

I became a sahm (partly because my industry collapsed, partly because our ds had sn, and partly from choice) and we work from a basis of being entitled equally to money and leisure time. In practice equal leisure wasn’t really possible when the dc were very small and clingy. But we both saw and acknowledged that inequality.

Dh has a proclivity for extreme, almost obsessive hobbies too but was open to the idea of choosing a family friendly one. It’s a personality type I think, or maybe a way of coping with stress by doing things that require a lot of focus.

Over time he has changed his role to be more family friendly with a better life balance.

I firmly believe that understanding the attitudes you both have towards each other’s work, your shared family goals etc are crucial to the decisions that you make.

Oooo!!! I’ve poked quite the hornets nest haven’t I?! I was asking a serious question. If your kids in a crèche or with a nanny all day and you’re not doing the housework or pottering around in the garden or cleaning the toilet or ironing, then you’re not really managing your time very well, are you? I’m married. My dh has super pressurised job. I always worked full time when I had my babies. I managed to care for them after work (yes they were looked after whilst I and dh worked) and do the housework gardening ironing shopping playing face painting singing , going to park, playing football etc etc. Relaxing bath times every night and a story for bed. I managed to do it all, and my kids are doing great. My point is, if you’re not doing anything other than paying people to do jobs ( good for you) then why are you struggling to find time for your kids? “How do you manage”. That’s the point. Why are you not managing to spend time with your kids if you’re throwing money at everything anyway??

OnlyFoolsnMothers that sounds like us, there’s been hundreds or thousands of meals, nights out, weekends, cinema trips etc ruined because of phone calls. Working until 2 am then back up 5am to be at the desk by 6am, then repeat.