Are you married to an investment banker and have kids?

[Lisbon83]

My husband is an investment banker at ED level and we recently had a baby.

I'm looking for advice from people in my position who get the hours they do and the particular stresses of the work. It's not 9-5 as we know and it's not possible to be 50/50 split on childcare during weekday evenings for example.

How did you manage family life, looking after yourself, baby etc without tearing your marriage apart? Night feeds, childcare, household chores, life admin, weekends, time for ourselves.. how to organise and any tips or ideas?

Pandemic has made it worse and harder to access outside help but hoping this will become easier soon.

I also agree with you OP, and other posters on here, that IB has it's own set of work-related stress. It's not just "long hours", it's being ON 24/7, it's thinking about your work or your clients 24/7, it's working across multiple time zones 24/7 - conference calls at 2am because you have one client in HK and another in NYC and you're in London, it's lunch with a client 2 days after your wife gave birth because the client was only in town for 1 day and there's no such thing as 'paternity leave' or 'I'll see you next time you're in town'. There is no mental break for my DH, even on holiday.

He is a workaholic who is for sure shortening his life span, but he doesn't want to do anything else, and it's the only job he's good at.

To all the people married to IB, why? Genuinely what you are describing sounds awful

Its not quite the same as an NHS doctor or something like because these jobs do get time off. It sounds like you just never get family time, they expect to just work and have everything else sorted? I wouldn't imagine not being able to go on holiday without the risk my partner will be called off. Or every night the stress of a phone call?

@JustSleepAlready and @Moonpeg I utterly agree. Also think sometimes that there are parallel universes... So many of us have no idea how others live.

@DIshedUp

To all the people married to IB, why? Genuinely what you are describing sounds awful

Its not quite the same as an NHS doctor or something like because these jobs do get time off. It sounds like you just never get family time, they expect to just work and have everything else sorted? I wouldn't imagine not being able to go on holiday without the risk my partner will be called off. Or every night the stress of a phone call?

Because I still love the man behind the job. In "quiet times", when he can tear himself away from the laptop at a reasonable hour, or we have a weekend free, or a night out just the two of us, I'm reminded by why I fell in love with him. He's generous, kind, smart, and so funny!

I also share a joy in his work. I used to work in finance and we chat regularly about his work. It interests me as much as it interests him.

@DIshedUp

To all the people married to IB, why? Genuinely what you are describing sounds awful

Its not quite the same as an NHS doctor or something like because these jobs do get time off. It sounds like you just never get family time, they expect to just work and have everything else sorted? I wouldn't imagine not being able to go on holiday without the risk my partner will be called off. Or every night the stress of a phone call?

Usually because they are attracted to very driven type A personalities. Also I doubt the issues really start until after children

I married my DH before he had his job (well he’s just retired) so it I didn’t plan to have this life.

@DIshedUp because he has a brain the size of a plant, I admire his work ethic, and he is kind, decent loyal and interesting.

Get a night nanny a few nights a week for the first few months, until baby sleeps through. Use a electric pump and express bottles for them if you dont want to use formula. Life is a lot manageable if you've had a good nights sleep.

Buy in ALL the help but it's a job in itself finding and managing the help you need. Make your worth very clear to your husband and protect yourself financially just in case!

Why did I marry him? We met at university and he was a bit of a charming slacker. At the time we married he had a fairly normal-hours job in IT for banks. Then he found that he had a talent for a highly paid niche within banking and it all went nuts from there. It nearly cost him his marriage, but a combination of stopping believing his own hype and treating me like an under performing employee, and being senior enough to start cutting back his hours meant he could sort himself out before I left. I had hung on to the marriage for ages because, according to him, it would be better once he’d finished a contract, or better once we moved county, or better once he’d finished his doctorate, but it only got better when I had almost left him.

The stresses aren’t the same as an NHS doctor.

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

I mean no. I completely agree.

A family friend is, although I don't know enough about banking to know how high up he is. He pays for her to do the work of raising their children in a large house, privately educate them, a nanny, holidays he doesn't come them on, a pony she doesn't have to look after, cars etc. She does some part time work and volunteering now the children are older. She doesn't have sex with him anymore , so I guess he out sourses that too. They don't seem to have much to do with each other, but look like they get on OK.

[quote Lisbon83]@JMAngel1 Of course lots of jobs are demanding, but IB has very specific type of responsibilities and pressures which are unique to the industry. Not saying more pressures, necessarily, but specific to IB. [/quote]
It really doesn’t. The only thing that actually makes it different from other high pressure/long hours roles is that it is incredibly well paid so unlike many others you can indeed just throw money at the problem and hire help. I think this post is the absolute epitome of a first world problem

I don't know why women marry such men. They actually aren't good husbands. What is attractive about being married to a workaholic?

Fortunately these days at secondary they talk about these things. Girls are more aware of what traits to avoid in men.

My ex husband was.

I just did everything at home to be honest but I didn't work so it was fine. I didn't mind to be fair.

Mine was a genuine question, not like a tongue in cheek thing. It sounds really tough for the spouses of people in these sort of jobs, and although there is obviously financial compensation it doesnt always make up for what seems quite lonely. To me it seems you can't really have the intense IB style career and a family

Oblomov21
Not saying all women but money talks 😂😂

Although, most of his colleagues wives had nannies, cleaned etc. I was just happy to stay at home with Ds. But I didn't want a big house, help or anything flash (it was what split us in the end, he wanted the whole lifestyle, big house etc. He's happily married to someone now who wanted those things too).

To add, 50:50 child care/domestic burden is a vanishingly rare thing, whatever the couples income bracket. My H works part time and still does eff all.

When my mum met my dad he was lower down the ranks so it didn't really "hit" till they got married.

"My boss has had to leave a family holiday in the Caribbean to fly to China for one conversation that the client wouldn’t have on the phone. The money is enviable the lifestyle is not."

You have to question this though. Why this mentality is allowed to continue. It only happens because it's allowed to happen. Really we all want to work for a nice company where the top persons says to the client : "actually, no".

I believe that covid has actually been helpful in changing things.

I still hope that by companies like google and Microsoft trying a 4 day week in NZ, things will slowly slowly get better. Work - life balance will get better.

There are some people that will never change though. They have addictive personalities, they can't say no. They value themselves and their work, their love and passion, over their marriage. They are selfish. Don't marry one of those.

It must be hard being the only one responsible for the children, but with the income from a high earning spouse, there are options that are just not available to the majority of women who find themselves in this situation. The reality for most women who care alone is that they don't get "time off" or "time to themselves" until their child goes to nursery or school!

My husband is a founder CEO. High works stress works 7-7 and always on the phone when he gets home. He only takes leave when we go away and we have no family support.

I work 14 hours a week with 6 weeks annual leave.

It's perfectly doable but the early years were so traumatic.

Buy in help where you can.

When DC2 was born we got a cleaner who took the ironing home, and a gardener.

Consider a childminder. Mine a godsend.
She once took one look at me and offered to take both kids for an extra day so I could sleep all day as I'd not slept for longer that 5 hours for 18 months.

Basically if you have money, throw it at anything that makes your life easier. Cleaners, dishwashers, hello fresh, housekeeper, robot vacuum, virtual PA.

Get yourself some mummy friends you can have round while the children play wreck the house. You need to moan

If you can carve out some time out for yourself use it for hairdressers/pamper/friends/sleep.

DH and I gave each other lie ins. His on a Saturday morning because he was so grumpy after a long week, and mine on a Sunday. In the spare room.

Basically just do what it takes.

What’s your plan OP?

Also as the children have got older, our marriage has recovered, we have more family time as I can do all the house stuff during the week so the whole weekend is ours.

It's worth it and we will retire early with no financial worries. It does test your relationship though.