Are you married to an investment banker and have kids?

[Lisbon83]

My husband is an investment banker at ED level and we recently had a baby.

I'm looking for advice from people in my position who get the hours they do and the particular stresses of the work. It's not 9-5 as we know and it's not possible to be 50/50 split on childcare during weekday evenings for example.

How did you manage family life, looking after yourself, baby etc without tearing your marriage apart? Night feeds, childcare, household chores, life admin, weekends, time for ourselves.. how to organise and any tips or ideas?

Pandemic has made it worse and harder to access outside help but hoping this will become easier soon.

JustsleepAlready - it doesn't sound like you have kids. When parents are cleaning, gardening and ironing they are not spending quality time with their kids. They are cleaning, gardening and ironing! If people can afford to pay people to do these jobs, so they can spend quality time with their kids than good luck to them. If the OP has the money to sit and watch her children grow up she is allowed to do that! Sounds like a wonderful life to me.

@ittakes2

If it makes you feel less like a failure then you believe I dint have kids if you want. I manage to do it all. My kids were not harmed by sitting with a play mat and toys on the carpeted floor outside the bathroom whiles I cleaned. Nor were they missing out by getting their hands dirty in the mud by helping mum in the garden. Not we’re they damaged by helping mum gather items from the shelves when food shopping and learning from a young age a life skill. Not everyone has money to throw at people
To do jobs for them. And I’d never pay someone to clean my house because I would never relax enough to believe they would do it the way I wanted it done.

Most of the nannies I know are back at work - or never stopped working. It should be possible to get childcare - or, maybe more ideally, a live-in nanny who also helps with housekeeping.

I imagine it would be desirable to have a granny flat/annexe to accommodate your employees more conveniently and to maintain privacy and independence, theirs and yours.

A barrister not an investment banker and dc are grown up now. He is also a workaholic. Prior to DC I worked for an investment bank on the trading floor. I was burnt out when ds1 arrived and more than ready to be a SAHM.

I had 7 joyous years at home and did everything and did it gladly. Did all the nights and all the childcare and all domestic load but also had freedom to do what I wanted, with the children, pretty much when I wanted. After 13 years of gruelling work days it honestly didn't feel hard but I am pretty organised and had a cleaner and ds went to nursery for a couple of afternoons aged 2.

The low point was going into labour at 27 weeks with ds2 and dh's clerk going to court to request an early close to proceedings and to get him to the hospital as quickly as possible. He missed the birth but arrived just in time to say goodbye to his son.

When dd was born ds1 was at nursery and I recall we managed. We had a lot of roast chicken, new potatoes and salad that summer! I used to put dd to bed at about 6 30 and she slept until 11.30. This gave me an hour or two with ds1 who was not a good sleeper. Often times dh would only see them at weekends. The hardest bit at that time was that I stayed up to see dh who got home after 9pm when really I should have gone to bed with DD because she was always up at least 4 times between 11.30pm and 6am. I had a bed in the nursery until they were each about 12 weeks to keep disruption down for both of us.

I started a second career when dd was settled in reception. We had au-pairs for several years from then. I think going back to work strengthened our marriage and gave the dc a better role model.

I never minded because I always felt our individual contributions to team family were equal. It helped/helps that we have the same attitude to money and dh never questioned a single penny I spent - not that I rashly spend pennies.

@KonTikki

That's what Boarding Schools are for.

Why bother having kids?

50/50 childcare doesn’t exist when one partner works like that - that’s the reality.

The answer is to outsource as much as you can. Cleaning, garden etc. I actually don’t know that many people in a similar position who have a nanny - but if that works for you - do it.

I'm going to take a wild guess here and say the OP already outsources most things, like cleaning, gardening etc. If that is the case, what exactly are you looking for OP?

You have 1 child, off on mat leave and a tonne of money OP. Life is pretty good for you.

I was. It was a nightmare. Very nearly tore us apart, both working full time, baby at childminders, all drop offs/pick up to me and bedtimes food shop, cooking cleaning etc, weekends alone if DH was away - happened at least once a month, if not away then glued to the laptop /phone he got made redundant in the crash and it was the best thing to happen to us.

excuse my ignorance but what does it have to do with your husband being an investment banker , many people I know including myself are in jobs that are not 9-5 involved working late / entertaining clients

As others said, outsource what you can and get stuff delivered on a weekly repeat order, such as milk from the milkman. My milkman also does other dairy products, bread, eggs, coffee...I haven’t needed to set foot in a supermarket for months. Make meals easy by ensuring you have a large freezer filled with decent quality meals that you can just throw in the oven, e.g. from Cook, or similar. Or get decent quality recipe boxes delivered on subscription to make things easier if you actually enjoy cooking, e.g. Mindful Chef, Riverford.

Depending on the ages of children, you could get them a part time nursery / preschool place to give you some time.

Do you have good emotional support? Do you have ways to meet other mums with similar aged children who you might have something in common with? Maybe a parent and toddler yoga class or some other class that floats your boat might be a way to meet like minded people.

Keep in mind if your children are young that it will get easier!

llm24
Exactly that was what I was saying.

Single parents on benefits have responsibility for their children 24 /7 and don't have the luxury of money to "throw at the problem".

Oh sorry I’ve just realized you have a young baby. It gets easier but give yourselves chance to adjust to the change. And as things open up more there will be more options for you.

I live on my own and don't have any time outside my NHS job, I'm knackered. If I had kids I'd just curl up and die.
Well I do but he's grown up and married, but the house is just a mess during the week and weekends I spend sorting out all of the mess and doing life admin.
Either the non working partner does everything or you will have to get help in.

You will undoubtedly get slated for that but actually I agree. Being married to a Doctor people were always advising me to outsource everything. But apart from the fact that Doctors earn nowhere near what investment bankers earn (and I know that because some of dh’s Uni friends went into banking / finance), I would be very uncomfortable with our home and family life being run by other people.
I am just very organised and don’t try to have a show home. We have to have doggy daycare but everything else can be managed with careful planning and some hard work.

Also married to a doctor and our only luxury is a cleaning lady who also does ironing every week. Childcare is 100% down to me with occasional help from grandparents on both sides. I have to admit I would LOVE to have more help but we don't have space for an au pair. Finding a nanny is also harder than it sounds because it has to be someone who clicks with the child, who you can trust 100% and during pandemic times there are far fewer options.

Regarding OP's original question, many high-earning couples we know have an ad-hoc arrangement with their cleaners to help with childcare or nursery runs. A few may vehemently disagree that cleaners are not nannies but most families trust their cleaners/helpers far more than strangers and those are usually people who have been with them for many years. These are couples where both are home on weeknights.

If the husband travels a lot or is only home on weekends which is often the case with business/consulting/banking then a nanny or au pair is almost unavoidable. The wealthiest couple we know (CEO) have an incredible arrangement of 3-4 staff rotating between 3 children so they are flexible to relax, take vacations or work.

But if the OP has money to throw at the problem then why not? If you’re a single parent on benefits then I’m sure you’ve got strategies that worked for you they you could share to help the OP?

If it’s sleep you could hire a night nanny once or twice a week in the short term.
Unfortunately you will have to do the lion’s share as I assume your dh works ridiculous hours.

DH an M&A investment banker.

All he does is his job. I do everything else, look after DC, cook, shop, organise birthdays, gifts, holidays, dry-cleaning, you name it, I do it. We have a cleaner and used to have some (very part time) help from a nanny but DC are now in education so no need for nanny.

Weekends he's either sleeping or working, I'm with the kids. It's rare we spending time as a family, though we do try (meals out etc). Our marriage is hanging on by a thread. It hasn't been fun.

If your husband is at ED level, he can afford to outsource help for you - nanny, housekeeper etc.

My dad was an IB so mum didn't work and we had au pairs, nannies, cleaners, gardeners etc. My mum regretted giving up her ambitions, though this wasn't just because of my dad (she left her home country at 17 for more opportunity)

My dad was a good dad & hands on when he was around however the job dominated & I knew wouldn't go into the industry or marry someone with that job.

@justsleepalready you haven't really poked the hornets nest, people just disagree with you

I wouldn't really call cleaning the house spending time with your dc. Tbh neither is cooking for them, or ironing. Outsourcing these things will enable the time you spend with your DC to be relaxed and enjoyable.

What is the point of this incredibly all consuming job if you aren't going to reap the benefits? I don't really understand why you'd essentially be on call 24/7, interrupt your holidays etc. To then come home and clean the toilet? Surely the whole point of jobs like IB is that you can pay a cleaner, a nanny, have fancy gyms with creches etc. Is that not the whole point? Otherwise you might as well sack it all in and get a normal job with normal time commitments

@amarya

Single parents on benefits have responsibility for their children 24 /7 and don't have the luxury of money to "throw at the problem".

Quite. But that's not what this thread is about. OP has made her circumstances clear and people either have helpful advice or they don't.

I could understand people being aggrieved if the OP was a single mother on benefits and people came on to the thread to trill about outsourcing everything, but that's not the case here.

I think there are two sets of considerations. Firstly, the practical where as others have said the answer is easier for an investment banker than others as you have money to throw at the problems so that’s what you do. Secondly, you need to think about your relationship. You can choose whether to be a SAHM or continue your own career (again a choice you have because of the IB salary). If you SAHM then you need to accept that his work takes priority and learn not to resent it. If you work then you both need to learn to compromise and deal with the fallout this can cause at work. Only you can know which option better suits you.