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Original poster

Do you stay with your children whilst they go to sleep?

289 replies

TrainTraining · 20/04/2021 19:51

DS is 16 mo. He self settles really well. He cries a little bit going into bed but soon gets into position and goes to sleep and usually sleeps well for about 10/12 hours. I lie on his floor whilst he goes to sleep and then leave once he is. My partner never does bedtime and said if he did he wouldn't be staying in the room with DS he'd say goodnight and leave. He did this with his two older children. I don't like the idea of doing this but I wonder what is more usual, stay with them or leave them to it?

OP posts:
Pinchoftums · 21/04/2021 07:31

Though thinking about it depends on the child DS1 would be awake for at least an hour before sleeping DD was asleep by the time we finished the songs!

GreenSlide · 21/04/2021 07:33

@Temp023

In the old days this sort of behaviour was termed “Making a rod for your own back!” Why would you even consider that your children would feel unsafe in their own bedrooms?

Yeah no one uses that term anymore for a reason.

GreenSlide · 21/04/2021 07:34

@ButtonMoony

Nope. Not in a million years.

All those who do, do you never go out? Babysitters? Sleepovers? What if you have other kids? What age do you stop?

Blows my mind that people do this, but I guess we are all different.

The only time I ever stayed with any of mine was when they were ill. Beyond that they need to learn to be able to sleep wherever they are and whoever is there.

I guess none of you work shifts and have to delegate bedtimes either?

When you lie beside them they usually fall asleep really quickly. So I put him to bed at 7 and he's sleeping by half 7 and then I have the whole evening free.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

1 year olds Babies & sleep Children's sleep Families
Amumtomyson · 21/04/2021 07:35

@Potentialscroogeincognito

Never ever. Cuddle, kiss, little snuggle put into bed awake. DS is 16months, asleep within 5mins and sleeps 11/12 hours.
My exact situation.
Cam2020 · 21/04/2021 07:35

You do whatever works. My daughter is 4 and still likes a cuddle to sleep or for me to at least be there. Much easier once they're in a proper bed, I dont miss lying on the floor!

Amumtomyson · 21/04/2021 07:35

OP are you doing it for you or your son?

mamaduckbone · 21/04/2021 07:36

Ds1 - no. He couldn't fall asleep if anyone was there because he'd just want to play.
Ds2 - yes. Only because he hated being left on his own. It was a pain, to be honest.
I would try leaving him if you can before it gets to be a habit you can't break.

Cam2020 · 21/04/2021 07:41

Blows my mind that people do this, but I guess we are all different.

What, give their child the support they need? Yeah, crazy!

Children have different needs. I think they should go to sleep at night feeling loved and secure - not distressed and abandoned. Fror some it's a kiss a goodnight, others need more. I've never met an adult who needs their mummy to sleep so I'm assuming they grow out of it!

EventuallyDistracted · 21/04/2021 07:42

I assume they grow out of it too, but I had a friend who was still struggling to stop the habit with a 12 year old which made me quite glad we never did it.

becca3210 · 21/04/2021 07:51

No my 12 month old has bath, change, stories and then in cot shut the door. Same routine every night since 6 months so he is used to it.

icelollies · 21/04/2021 07:52

We lie with our son as he falls asleep after reading a book or two - but it most often only takes him about 20 mins at most to be fast asleep, and I use the time to relax, breathe and think about stuff! I’ve really incorporated it into my daily rest and gives me some energy for the evening! (Yes I also sometimes take a nap if I’m tired!)

I think just do what works best for you and your child. You know them best! If they would sob their hearts out, stay with them, if a little grizzling and you want to get on then try leaving?

Ignore all the rubbish about making a rod for your own back and habits hard to break etc and other nonsense. It will be very different for each family.

Natsku · 21/04/2021 07:59

I don't. I tried doing it with my eldest because she had such trouble falling asleep but it just made things worse.
Never done it with my youngest, he just happily falls asleep by himself, really got lucky with him!

TheQueensCousin · 21/04/2021 08:05

I'm going back a couple of decades but I used the 'Gradual Withdrawal' method to get them to sleep in the room without me and it worked a treat.

Thirtyrock39 · 21/04/2021 08:07

If you do this the chances are they will panic if they wake up in the night and you're not there . Personally I think it's better in the long run for everyone if you can teach good sleeping habits, and after a story and cuddle they get to sleep on their own . Sleep habits are very hard to break - it's not a case if they just grow out of it - I work in this area and sleep is one of the biggest reasons for referral we have and the majority are solved by tackling bedtime sleep associations at bed time

playeddepaler · 21/04/2021 08:13

I think from this thread we can conclude that it's just personal preference, there's nothing wrong with it if you do decide to do it and vice versa. Do what you need to do until it suits you OP! No one else can decide for you.

I lie with mine
I go away for weekends (and longer without them!)
I work full time
My dh works away a lot.
I do it because I like it and it suits me to. I don't need to justify it and neither does anyone else. Just do you!

Firebird83 · 21/04/2021 08:18

Yes, for my nearly 3 year old DS.

Ihaveoflate · 21/04/2021 08:31

No but we go and sit in the room next door until she's asleep because she goes through phases of needing the odd back rub to settle.

Mostly she goes to sleep on her own but DH and I quite like spending 30 mins in companionable silence next door. It's a peaceful end to the day and neither of us has anywhere else to be at the moment!

Tracetwotimes · 21/04/2021 08:39

Urgh this thread and talk of 12 year olds is making me panic! I have a DS 2.5 who was a total velcro baby, would not be put down for first three months at all, would just wail if attempted. The moses basket went unused as he would only sleep while held.

Gradually got better as he got a bit older, and at 11 months I hired a sleep consultant and got him self settling on his own, just popped him in the cot and walked out, it was great! (he still woke up all bloody night though Sad). Then suddenly at 18 months he started getting upset when I left the room, and I have been stuck sitting with him since then.

Have tried gradual retreat a couple of times but never managed to get out of the doorway. Have tried just leaving him to cry but I hate it, I can' t leave him longer than ten mins. Have done rapid return last two weeks, going back in every two minutes when he cries for a five second reassurance, but there has been no improvement and again I hate hearing him upset.

I have no idea how so many of you are just walking out with no upset at all. I would love not to have to sit in the dark for half hour every evening.

FedNlanders · 21/04/2021 08:42

The Lying with mine takes about 15-20mins then I have the evening free from 7pm. Its really no big deal lol

Floweree · 21/04/2021 08:43

I have no idea how so many of you are just walking out with no upset at all.

I think a huge part of it is 'luck', behaviours probably play a part, but DS has always been content to be left to drift off, if he wasn't and had cried etc I would have stayed with him.

Heyduggee123 · 21/04/2021 08:48

@Floweree

I have no idea how so many of you are just walking out with no upset at all.

I think a huge part of it is 'luck', behaviours probably play a part, but DS has always been content to be left to drift off, if he wasn't and had cried etc I would have stayed with him.

I tend to agree luck plays a part. My 2 year old twins wave at us as we’re leaving and shout night night. We’re incredibly lucky. They don’t go to sleep straight away unless they are exceptionally tired, but they will play with their comforters & dolls and just fall to sleep by themselves
Recycledblonde · 21/04/2021 08:56

I had visions of lovely bedtime cuddles and rocking to sleep before my first child was born. DD had other ideas and had perfected her ‘piss off and leave me in peace’ stare by the time she was six weeks old. The boys followed in her footsteps and liked their own company at bedtime, they refused to sleep in our bed too.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 21/04/2021 08:57

A child’s temperament is luck, but equally the parents that are still rubbing their child’s backs to sleep at 4 tend to be the parents who couldn’t handle controlled crying. I sleep trained my baby to fall asleep with minimal interaction from me, if I didn’t I would never have cooked a meal, tidied up and had 1hrs peace of an evening. I do think it’s a lot harder to do this once a child is pass 18months, once they get truly stubborn and resistant to change.

crispychicken12 · 21/04/2021 09:02

I still rock my 18 month old to sleep in my arms then place him in his cot and he sleeps great.

Always done this, will continue to do so for now. I'm due #2 in august, so will be starting to settle
him in a toddler bed and read to sleep (hopefully)

Caspianberg · 21/04/2021 09:08

Luckily he does fall asleep quite quickly and without our help whilst I just sit in room, so I’m happy to carry on and it gives me 15 mins to just read or use phone in peace ( whilst dh cleans up!)

I wouldn’t leave him if he was crying to sleep. I just feel it’s horrible to end each day upset and feeling alone if they don’t like it. If they are happy to then it’s great.