Do you stay with your children whilst they go to sleep?

[TrainTraining]

DS is 16 mo. He self settles really well. He cries a little bit going into bed but soon gets into position and goes to sleep and usually sleeps well for about 10/12 hours. I lie on his floor whilst he goes to sleep and then leave once he is. My partner never does bedtime and said if he did he wouldn't be staying in the room with DS he'd say goodnight and leave. He did this with his two older children. I don't like the idea of doing this but I wonder what is more usual, stay with them or leave them to it?

Stayed with mine until she was 6!

@OnlyFoolsnMothers your right there, controlled crying, cry it out and all that nonsense was not up my street. Funnily enough I still have time to tidy up, make a meal if I want (but I eat with the dc at 5:30), get things ready for work/school the next day, have a bath, watch tv, study etc etc just because someone lies down with their dc doesn't mean they have given up their evenings. Mine get In bed at 7, we have stories, a little chat and they are Asleep by 7.30/7.45 at the latest.

It’s interesting to me that some say “absolutely not, I wouldn’t have had an evening to myself” - it really goes to show how different children are, because mine are still tiny and like us to stay with them, but they fall asleep within ten minutes so it’s nothing out of a whole evening. I study, sew, cook, watch tv, read etc and I’m in bed by 21.30. If it took hours I’m sure I would change how we do things, but it doesn’t so everyone is happy

[quote playeddepaler]@OnlyFoolsnMothers your right there, controlled crying, cry it out and all that nonsense was not up my street. Funnily enough I still have time to tidy up, make a meal if I want (but I eat with the dc at 5:30), get things ready for work/school the next day, have a bath, watch tv, study etc etc just because someone lies down with their dc doesn't mean they have given up their evenings. Mine get In bed at 7, we have stories, a little chat and they are Asleep by 7.30/7.45 at the latest. [/quote]
Exactly your child doesn’t really cause a big fuss, if they fussed for an hour at a time you may change your mind on training. I also worked so didn’t have ample time waste in an evening or everything would have fallen apart.

No. Bottle,story,white noise machine on ,kiss and leave.Obviously if unwell or particularly stressy then pat on back for a few mins to calm baby down.

No - we never ever did. My daughter is now 6 and even when she was tiny she refused to settle to sleep if anyone else was around. We had to put her down and leave her (and the room had to be pitch black with white noise). She also refused to sleep in our bed which I used to be quite sad at, when friends talked about cuddling their babies to sleep. We had to put her in her own room at about 4 months because it was the only way we could get her to sleep at all, and we were a slave to naps as she wouldn't sleep in a pushchair or anywhere apart from her own cot in a darkened room (but would scream with overtiredness if she didn't get to nap).

Now at 6 she still likes a bedtime story and for someone to tuck her in and give her a kiss but then she'll read in bed or get up and draw for a bit and turn off the light when she's ready.

Nope. Never have. With DS1 we tried leaving him in our room alone from 8 weeks (about an hour before we went up to bed ourselves) and we're delighted that he just went to sleep. So we just carried on. Night night, close the door, evening for grown ups begins (monitor with us). Sure they woke up in the night for feeds but that was after a few hours sleep.

I feel I have really really tried to get DS to settle by himself, but he just hates being left alone. I'm a single parent so its not like I'm missing out on time with a partner or anything, so I suppose it could be worse. Would love that extra half hour of an evening to decompress though. Might be time to throw money at the issue again and get another sleep consultant...

No, I haven’t done this since my DC were 8/9 months although that’s mostly because I did sleep training as mine woke a lot in the night.

My son is 3 and we stopped staying with him until he fell asleep earlier this year.

@ButtonMoony

Nope. Not in a million years.

All those who do, do you never go out? Babysitters? Sleepovers? What if you have other kids? What age do you stop?

Blows my mind that people do this, but I guess we are all different.

The only time I ever stayed with any of mine was when they were ill. Beyond that they need to learn to be able to sleep wherever they are and whoever is there.

I guess none of you work shifts and have to delegate bedtimes either?

I have four DC, but the older two are old enough to watch TV, go out with friends etc and they understand DH and I are busy settling the youngest two. Older ones are 13 and 10. Sometimes one of the older ones will read a story to the younger ones.

I am a SAHM, and don't go out in evenings in general.

Do whatever works for you and your child OP.

We always did with DS who is just over 3. He is and always has been, a highly sensitive boy. He is very affectionate and loving. We've previously always stayed with him, although we don't always now. It's a good way of us reconnecting with him after a day at work/nursery/with grandparents.
DH puts DS to bed when his shifts allow and he really enjoys just 'being' with him. DS doesn't get excited/want interaction once he's in bed, he knows it's sleep time. He rolls over and goes to sleep.
If DH is at work for bedtime, I put DS into bed after cuddles/stories, then take 1 y.o DD to bed. 9 times out of 10, by the time I've given DD her night time breastfeed, DS is asleep. If he's not i.e he's napped at nursery, he knows I'll come back and give him another kiss and another goodnight and is happy for me to leave his room.
I suppose a long story short, he doesn't need it all the time, but we enjoy it as a family to reconnect after being apart. We have taken it at DSs pace, much to MILs chagrin, and he's happy and comfortable for it. I can think of nothing worse than leaving my child to cry in their bed.

The children are both asleep by 7, often by 6.30 now that DS is dropping his nap and it certainly doesn't eat into our evening. We have tea with the children so when they're asleep, it's usually just a bit of tidying and time for us to chill out together.

Keep on doing whatever works for you.

@FedNlanders

I do with 4yr old. I dont mind. I read on kindle and treat it as down time.

Same here. After stories have been read, singing, and cuddles it's my downtime to read on my phone. Usually they fall asleep within 15 minutes. The evening is not lost!

@GreenSlide

I stay. Leaving was never something I considered, I've seen friends almost broken by the evening routine of put them into bed, listen to them crying, put them back, hear them messing around, put them back, they call mummmyyy I need a drink, get them a drink, they get up, put them back again and so on. This way it's quick, I get a lie down, he gets a snuggle, we're both happy and I doubt he'll still need it when he's 15 so he will grow out of it at some stage. I'll just enjoy it until then.

That's how I view it too. I like to lie there, zone out etc. Thought of chasing up and down stairs all night is something that I wouldn't even consider. This is a more chilled out way of doing bedtime.

Saying that, my older two were happy to be left alone from 3yo but my younger two still like company. They're all different 🤷

No. Partly because I think you then wake them when you leave the room. We got stuck with DD like that where she'd repeatedly wake as we left, it took hours and everyone was cross. Better to leave them to it.

@Crowsaregreat

No. Partly because I think you then wake them when you leave the room. We got stuck with DD like that where she'd repeatedly wake as we left, it took hours and everyone was cross. Better to leave them to it.

My youngest two would sleep through the Blitz once settled in bed🤣 my leaving has no impact on them stirring.

Exactly your child doesn’t really cause a big fuss, if they fussed for an hour at a time you may change your mind on training. I also worked so didn’t have ample time waste in an evening or everything would have fallen apart.

Exactly. It's easy to have that opinon on controlled crying if your child isn't one of those that gets themselves into a horrific state whereby sleep is impossible. Some grizzling and eventually settling is a whole different matter. Leaving a child in an absolute state is cruel, I think - it's not a matter of not being able to 'hack it'.

Small children need different levels of help in lots of different areas, I don't know why theres such a sense of superiority when it comes to sleep.

@TrainTraining I think it depends, for example my little one tends to mess around and take longer if I linger around in the room so I do a quick tuck in, goodnight and lights out!

No. By the time they could self settle (ie, not attached to my nips all bloody night) they were put to bed, story kisses and then I’d leave. If they were fractious I might sit outside for a bit but not in general.

I stay with my 7 year old and 3 year old. I do them one by one. Yes bedtime takes longer but it's such precious time. We have lovely peaceful chats. They're not going to want me like this forever.

No I don't and won't do. My 4 year old gets ready for bed has a story we say the goodnight words close the door and leave that's it for the rest of the night. My 1 year old I do the same get her ready, bottle, put her in her cot and leave. She will cry and grumble but to only because she knows she's tired. Yes there are days she won't settle but after a while she'll usually knacker herself out and roll over and go to sleep. I don't want to stay in her room because I don't want to create a habit from it. I want her to feel safe and if she really needs me I'm there but at the same time I like her to be independent and know she's safe even if I'm not physically in the room.

Maybe you could try leave the room earlier and see how they handle it?

Xx

@ButtonMoony

Nope. Not in a million years.

All those who do, do you never go out? Babysitters? Sleepovers? What if you have other kids? What age do you stop?

Blows my mind that people do this, but I guess we are all different.

The only time I ever stayed with any of mine was when they were ill. Beyond that they need to learn to be able to sleep wherever they are and whoever is there.

I guess none of you work shifts and have to delegate bedtimes either?

I have a 3yo and a 1yo - we haven’t been able to go out for the last year anyway! But pre covid yes of course we went out in the evenings sometimes. Of course my husband and I can do their bedtimes alone if the other is working late or out, it has happened several times. I’m amazed that you see it as impossible to do this if they like you to stay with them to fall asleep.

I think some people envisage 3 hours or something, but going by people’s descriptions my children go from starting bedtime routine to me leaving their room with them asleep in the same amount of time as it takes for them to do bedtime routine to leaving them awake. So it’s not remotely arduous for me.

Mine are 8 and 5 and I or DH stay with them until they fall asleep. 5 year old falls asleep in 5 mins and 8 year old in approx 20 mins tops. The sleep from 7:30 to 7:00 approximately. If they wake at night most times they go back to bed unless someone had a nightmare and needs a bit of reassurance then me or DH will put them back. They insist on sharing a room and I don't mind and it does give a time to rest after getting them ready for bedtime. Whatever works best for you.

@playeddepaler

Yep, they are 5 and 8, I don't really care to be honest. They'll be grown before I know it.

@playeddepaler mind are 5 and 8 and we stay too. Great to hear someone with similar aged children. I figured they'd be grown so soon 😂😂