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Original poster

Do you stay with your children whilst they go to sleep?

289 replies

TrainTraining · 20/04/2021 19:51

DS is 16 mo. He self settles really well. He cries a little bit going into bed but soon gets into position and goes to sleep and usually sleeps well for about 10/12 hours. I lie on his floor whilst he goes to sleep and then leave once he is. My partner never does bedtime and said if he did he wouldn't be staying in the room with DS he'd say goodnight and leave. He did this with his two older children. I don't like the idea of doing this but I wonder what is more usual, stay with them or leave them to it?

OP posts:
FedNlanders · 21/04/2021 13:28

@HereComesATractor

I think some people envisage 3 hours or something, but going by people’s descriptions my children go from starting bedtime routine to me leaving their room with them asleep in the same amount of time as it takes for them to do bedtime routine to leaving them awake. So it’s not remotely arduous for me.
I totally agree. No issue at all. Takes about 10mins
LimpyLarry · 21/04/2021 13:51

@Tracetwotimes

Urgh this thread and talk of 12 year olds is making me panic! I have a DS 2.5 who was a total velcro baby, would not be put down for first three months at all, would just wail if attempted. The moses basket went unused as he would only sleep while held.

Gradually got better as he got a bit older, and at 11 months I hired a sleep consultant and got him self settling on his own, just popped him in the cot and walked out, it was great! (he still woke up all bloody night though Sad). Then suddenly at 18 months he started getting upset when I left the room, and I have been stuck sitting with him since then.

Have tried gradual retreat a couple of times but never managed to get out of the doorway. Have tried just leaving him to cry but I hate it, I can' t leave him longer than ten mins. Have done rapid return last two weeks, going back in every two minutes when he cries for a five second reassurance, but there has been no improvement and again I hate hearing him upset.

I have no idea how so many of you are just walking out with no upset at all. I would love not to have to sit in the dark for half hour every evening.

It does get better! I promise! I tied myself in knots with my DS1. He wouldn't ever be out down as a baby, as a tiny toddler he'd climb out of a cot, scream, vomit, poo and get increasingly more distressed when I tried sleep training (gradual retreat and then controlled crying, CC "worked" in that he'd go down to sleep but he was still up every hour!) and it upset us both too much. I gave up. He had a full size single bed when he was 2, he'd get in and first was cuddled to sleep and the put down, then lay down and I lay next to him on my phone. No upset and he'd drift off(he'd always end up in my bed though at some point!)

It doesn't last forever. Do what works for you. Mine is four and a half now, he still sleeps in my bed mostly, but it takes five minutes for him to nod off.

Changechangychange · 21/04/2021 13:56

I like staying! But DS dicks messes about too much if I do, wanting to chat, get up and show me stuff, etc. So I leave the room but tell him I am just in the room next door if he needs me. He sometimes calls out to check I’m there (which I am), but overall he goes to sleep much faster.

Shame really, as I would happily sleep in his room otherwise (PFB).

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Countrylane · 21/04/2021 13:58

What does he do when you're not there? That was the thing that made me ensure they could go to sleep without me. I wanted to be able to not be present for every nap and bedtime!

Tracetwotimes · 21/04/2021 14:23

Thanks LimpyLarry, that is reassuring! I do remind myself often that the days (and nights. Oh the long nights) are long but the years are short.

Frustratingly, he goes off to sleep without me there for naps, so I know he can do it. It's just nighttime he seems to need the extra reassurance. Ah well. I am most certainly not having any more kids (DS was something of a suprise himself) so I don't have to worry about what to do when no. 2 comes along.

MeadowHay · 21/04/2021 14:27

I think it's common to stay at this age and also common to leave, it depends on the child. We've left DD to go asleep herself since she turned 1 or thereabouts, but she's fine doing that. Depends on the child. I wouldn't stay for no reason but if that's what the child needs then I guess I'd have to! We did a gradual retreat type thing with DD very slowly between like 7 and 12 months. I think it's possibly easier to do that sort of thing when they're babies than when they are older and more aware and more used to their routines.

Desmondo2021 · 21/04/2021 14:30

No I never have. Dcs 1, 2 and 3 were pretty good but needed a little effort at bedtime. Dc4 (who is 4) has been put to bed awake at bedtime since 7 weeks old and slept through. So so jammy!

FishyFriday · 21/04/2021 14:39

I stay with the baby but only because he's 8 months and feeds to sleep. I sneak away once he's asleep. When he's bigger, I'll be moving towards saying goodnight, shutting the door and leaving him to fall asleep until the morning.

I hate the sticky feeling in my eyes from lying in the dark while he falls asleep.

Bluedeblue · 21/04/2021 14:46

You could be making a rod for your own back here. My sister always sat with her child like this - child is now almost 8 and will not fall asleep without a parent sitting with them - sometimes for up to 2 hours, meaning they can't have an adult evening a lot of the time.

whatswithtodaytoday · 21/04/2021 14:55

Two year old, and we cuddle to sleep usually... sometimes I'll put him in the cot and sit with him, sometimes he'll self settle, it depends. I don't mind at all, I like the cuddles and it doesn't take long. If he's very fussy or wants to chat I'll put him down and leave for a few minutes, then go back - the quick cry seems to help him then settle quickly.

I know it's rod for my own back, but I don't care. Only child, not having any more, very aware he won't want cuddles in a few years.

FML21 · 21/04/2021 15:09

No never stayed with my ds, he's been his own room since he was 5 months. It's always been put him to bed, story, lullabies said goodnight, and left. I do occasionally have to go in a few times for cuddles if he upset & struggling to settle though.

insurancedrama · 21/04/2021 15:53

I didn't with my first. I have to with my third. It's a pita, but I'm not keen on cry it out method and nothing else works, so will wait until she understands more.

HereComesATractor · 21/04/2021 17:58

@Bluedeblue

You could be making a rod for your own back here. My sister always sat with her child like this - child is now almost 8 and will not fall asleep without a parent sitting with them - sometimes for up to 2 hours, meaning they can't have an adult evening a lot of the time.
It’s a chicken and egg thing though isn’t it - do you think she caused it by staying, is it her fault?

Most of us here aren’t talking about this situation. The majority of us are talking about much smaller children who do grow out of it. A minority won’t, and that may be for various reasons.

Chocobudbrownies · 21/04/2021 23:00

I think it totally depends on the child. Most of the time DS 4 will want me to sit whilst he goes to sleep. I really dont mind, I quite like it too. Sometimes I leave him when he's awake and he gets off to sleep

Kintsugi16 · 21/04/2021 23:02

Never, unless they were ill or upset for some specific reason. 4 children

Kintsugi16 · 21/04/2021 23:05

Why?
Genuinely, why do parents do this?

blueshoes · 21/04/2021 23:15

I guarantee you your teenage children won't want you in their beds.

HereComesATractor · 21/04/2021 23:17

@Kintsugi16

Why? Genuinely, why do parents do this?
Why do you think? Genuinely?
Inchacha · 21/04/2021 23:23

Ds3 is nearly 7. I still stay with him until he's dropped off, I like to time it and see how quickly he hits deep sleep! Was 83 seconds tonight 🤣
I love bedtime. A tiny little slice of magic in an otherwise fairly hectic family life, when they are all mine for that sliver of time. The older two don't want me any more at bedtime which I am sad about on one hand but glad on the other, I am a single parent and at one point the three bedtimes would take up my entire evening (felt like it anyway).

I am fully aware that I am just desperately clinging on to my babies being little!

MouseholeCat · 22/04/2021 01:58

We look after one of our nephews quite a bit, sometimes for more than a week, due to my in-laws having guardianship and SIL having addiction issues. His grandparents insist you need to lay with him, but when he's with us we do a story, cuddle goonight, nightlight on, lights out and he's fine. We've done this from age 3 and now he's 6. We started it by doing the checking in thing because he wouldn't settle as he saw us as a novelty and wanted to mess around.

I do think it helps some kids feel secure though. We're pregnant now and I want to avoid it so we can have quality time in the evening, but ultimately it's not the end of the world if it happens and they do grow out of it.

Kintsugi16 · 22/04/2021 05:49

@Kintsugi16

Why? Genuinely, why do parents do this?
@HereComesATractor

I don’t know. That’s why I’m asking.

Historytoo · 22/04/2021 06:10

I did until they were between three and four years old. It wasn't a problem, they're little for such a short time. They are teens now and I look back on it as a phase of parenting. Everything has its season.
@Kintsugi16 why? Well, because they found it hard to settle without me and I wanted them to go to sleep happily and calmly. Once they didn't need me to stay I didn't. And after I stopped staying with them they were always really good about bedtime, once they were in bed we never had the "I want a drink /toilet/ different teddy" performance that some children do for years.

Magnificentmug12 · 22/04/2021 06:34

Never stay! Problems lie that way!!

pinkhousesarebest · 22/04/2021 07:14

My daughter called it “ Stayaweewhile”. I did it for both, for years, though I was the one who invariably fell asleep first.
Do what you feel OP. Honestly, before you know it, they’ll be grown and it will all be a distant memory.

Kintsugi16 · 22/04/2021 07:33

Thanks for replying @Historytoo

That’s understandable.