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Original poster

Do you stay with your children whilst they go to sleep?

289 replies

TrainTraining · 20/04/2021 19:51

DS is 16 mo. He self settles really well. He cries a little bit going into bed but soon gets into position and goes to sleep and usually sleeps well for about 10/12 hours. I lie on his floor whilst he goes to sleep and then leave once he is. My partner never does bedtime and said if he did he wouldn't be staying in the room with DS he'd say goodnight and leave. He did this with his two older children. I don't like the idea of doing this but I wonder what is more usual, stay with them or leave them to it?

OP posts:
maddiemookins16mum · 20/04/2021 20:43

Nope. This is why you read on here about people having to do it for 8-10 years.

Dontstepinthecowpat · 20/04/2021 20:43

I’m surprised to be in the minority but DS is almost 4 and I always do. Bath, teeth, two stories then lie in bed for 15 minutes. Done it with his older 3 siblings and they manage to get themselves to sleep, I’m not still laid rubbing my 13 year olds head Confused

When I’m working DH does the same. He’s always asleep by 7 so we then spend an hour with DD, the older DC are usually in their rooms till bedtime. DD gets a story, kiss and goes off to bed. I’d say it stopped not long after they started school.

AlwaysLatte · 20/04/2021 20:43

Yes we always did, until they were about 8 and 6 as they always liked being read to sleep since babies. Now they are 13 and 10, the youngest still likes a story every night (reading the Nowhere Emporium at the moment) and we often read to his older brother when he wants one (last night he wanted a RL Stein horror story!). We just read and go though now obviously except on rare occasions when they drop off during the story. It's a lovely time to connect with them when they're little so we never just left them to sleep by themselves.

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Purplepjs · 20/04/2021 20:44

I didn’t for my first and I do for my second (she’s now 2.5).
OP, it sounds like you really enjoy the peaceful end to the day with your baby, and he sounds like he’s thriving under your care. So do what makes you happy. I co-slept with my youngest and now she doesn’t need me to and I miss it. Plenty would tell me I didn’t need to or could have trained her not to co-sleep, but to me, those nights were so precious and we both loved it. You do it your way and enjoy.

RebelByLight · 20/04/2021 20:44

I stay. Story, lights out, music on and I read a book on my phone. They're 11 and 9 now! A nice, peaceful 20-30 minutes where I can read and not feel guilty for not folding the washing etc.
They have no issues going alone to sleep if we've been out late or DH is away on a conference.

Veryverycalmnow · 20/04/2021 20:44

I'm on his floor as we speak. He's going through a needy stage...

vampirethriller · 20/04/2021 20:46

I sit beside my two year old but she falls asleep in seconds so it's no bother.

ImFree2doasiwant · 20/04/2021 20:46

At that age, I was sitting for a few minutes then leaving, after a good routine. I was heavily pregnant, and had done gradual (very very gradual!) Retreat over 3 months.

Purplepjs · 20/04/2021 20:47

Also, I remember a friend saying to me how sorry she was that I had to cuddle my baby to sleep... she just popped hers in the cot and left. And I wanted to tell her what a huge joy it was to listen to my baby’s sleepy breath, to feel the weight of her relax as she fell asleep etc. All these people saying you’ll be stuck doing it for years... maybe that’s ok?! Our babies will grow fast enough and then these days will be gone.

Alonelonelylonersbadidea · 20/04/2021 20:47

Sadly (for me) yes we do. Our youngest is 6. I'm done and need to break this habit.

MaltedMilk88 · 20/04/2021 20:48

Either me or My husband do yes, our DD is 22 months. We both work full time so use the time as a bit of extra time with her
Can't say I'd do the same if I were a SAHM as it would probably be reversal and I'd want my own time in the evenings then

Intravenouslatteplease · 20/04/2021 20:48

I stay, 2.5yo, but no need for extra mummy guilt for you op either way, you can do a gradual retreat if it's right for you /for the kiddo, or just see how things go?

playeddepaler · 20/04/2021 20:49

@maddiemookins16mum but surely if they don't mind the. It doesn't matter?each to their own, mine tell me lots of things I wouldn't find out in the daytime otherwise. It's like they have a bit of verbal diarrhoea with their thoughts, questions and about worries.

AlwaysLatte · 20/04/2021 20:49

God no, got shit to do. How will you manage when you have two?
We would have one kid each - and swap the next eve!

CovidSmart · 20/04/2021 20:49

I didn’t with dc1.
I did with dc2 who otherwise would never have gone to sleep. It wasn’t my ideal choice.

I certainly didn’t do that until they were 6 or 8yo. I don’t think either of them would have wanted me there.

cherryblossom999 · 20/04/2021 20:50

Was quite a few years ago so advice was different then but both of my DC were in their own rooms at 2 months old and were put to bed at about 7pm and I left. I would never have got anything done if I had spent every evening sat on the bedroom floor with them.

Out of curiosity, if he self settles really well why do you feel you should stay?

Mydogmylife · 20/04/2021 20:51

[quote TrainTraining]@Mydogmylife I don't know. I guess because I worked so hard with him to get him to self settle it was a turbulent time for us and I had no support from my partner during this time. It took its toll on me.

To the pp who asked about second children and working full time. I can't see me having a second sadly as much as I would like that. I work condensed shifts so I have more time available than others. I'm fortunate but always a bit tired.[/quote]
So, do you think he would settle fine if you weren't there? Are you doing this for him or you? No judgement just wondering, I hope your partner is supportive now , would he take a turn if you wanted him to?

Bluebutterfly2 · 20/04/2021 20:51

I used to until DS was 14 months but we stopped as I found it got him more hyped up around bedtime and it was taking over an hour to go off despite being tired. Also due to my shift work we needed something that was easy to replicate for my mum and provide consistency when I am on twilights/nights. Bedtime now only takes 20mins, with stories, cuddles and a lullaby. He seems to sleep better to now and there was no crying involved. I don’t think there is a right or wrong way- just need to do what works for you as a family.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 20/04/2021 20:52

No didn't have time for all that I worked full time in the NHS from when he was 6 weeks old, no year off in those days.
That would have been my whole evening gone.

Anoisagusaris · 20/04/2021 20:54

Yes I’m here with my 7 year old. I could leave him as he is a great sleeper but it’s nice.

TheMoth · 20/04/2021 20:54

Can't remember dc1. Think he just used to have a musical thing.

Dc2 not so easy. I bf to sleep until about 15 months, but then she used to need to be touching one of us to drop off. She's still very tactile now. Eventually, we'd ninja crawl out. I remember trying to withdraw or cio, but ending up sobbing on the stairs as she cried her heart out. She was just a needy baby.

At 9, I do a breezy goodnight, collect devices and turn lights off. Neither kid has ever really needed a light on.

Bramblecrumble · 20/04/2021 20:54

Traintraining, That sounds sweet. If it's right for you. At around that age I started doing the story cot, night night and leave but because she wanted to breastfeed and mess about and had stopped falling asleep with me in the room. She might protest when I left to begin with but never took long to fall asleep. If I was in the room she wouldn't sleep. So it helped her sleep. Point is, into she was one and a bit I breastfed her to sleep, didn't create a 'rod for my back', so I don't think being in the room with your child would.

sarahc336 · 20/04/2021 20:55

My 4 year old likes me to sit where she can see me so I sit on the landing, I already hair a chair there anyway and she's asleep in about 2 mins so I just didn't that time catching up on wats app messages so not a bad deal in my opinion 😂 it's only 2 mins it just feels easier to give it to her until she's old enough and she'll probably tell me to go away. I am aware i should probably remove doing this but all in good time I guess x

longhaulstress · 20/04/2021 20:55

I always left all mine to go to sleep on their own. I would have hated to lie there and couldn't wait for my own time in the evening.

Miljea · 20/04/2021 20:56

No, I always felt it was important for DH and I to have some child-free adult time after their bedtimes. Given that there was always some home admin that also needed doing. And a movie plus wine... 😊

I have too many friends whose marriages didn't survive having tag-teamed the DC for many years, or when the wants of a child always trumped the other parent.

One woman I know still had to sit her 8 year old to sleep .

Yes, each to their own, I guess. And yes, many will have the 'five-minute-story-and-they're-fast-asleep' DC; great! But if you're sitting in the dark on a child's bedroom floor scrolling on your phone, for hours, to help your child sleep, that's possibly not that great for the child's ability to self-soothe, and is almost certainly not great for your marriage, or partnership. Or, dare I say, sense as an autonomous adult.