Neighbour unhappy DD gave his DS a snack

[Eastie77]

I am really annoyed but know I may be over-reacting so need to be talked down.

DD was playing out with our neighbours DS, he is about 10. At one point she ran into the kitchen and quickly out again. It turns out she took a bag of crisps and shared them with him and other kids. She knows she is not allowed to do this but it all happened v quickly. Neighbour later sent me a message "just a quick one Eastie, DS is not allowed snacks between meals" and went on to say he hadn't eaten his lunch because of the crisps. I explained I understood although I hadn't given them to his DS. He responded by saying that's fine but can I keep an eye on things in future to ensure his DS doesn't eat anything when the DC are playing together.

I have always told DD not to give out any snacks to friends unless I have permission from their parents but neighbour's reply is really annoying me. It has a lecturing tone to it that doesn't sit well with me and I want to send back a smart response but not sure what to write...

I don’t see why on earth it’s your responsibility then! If you have your daughter a snack to eat (I know this isn’t the case in this instance) and she offered it to her friends to be nice then it’s just that. If the dad doesn’t want his kid snacking he needs to keep a better eye on his kid or teach him to say no!
Not your problem whatsoever and I’d be just as peeved as you!

Omg I find this so infuriating. At first I thought it a laugh that someone would discuss whats been said. However reading through your responses I'm not sure what to think now.
I was always brought up to share my snacks. My children have all been allowed to run in for snack. If another child is there, obviously to share snack. Why has it become such a big issue to have a snack and share it. If they were younger children, they would be supervised and fed by the adult but at 10! Come on. If a child knows they have an allergy to a certain food then at 10 they can make that decision. Over the years watching children I've seen a few that have taken foods/sweets knowing they shouldn't as not vegan as parents requested.
Maybe its me I am in 50s and seem to be the world gone mad and above discussing whether appropriate for snacks to be shared.

I’m sure the op is, as she’s said, capable of both dealing with her Dd and the neighbour

And yet the thread is ‘How can I lash out at my neighbour for asking me not to give or allow my child to give his child food’. Not ‘My DD has been told in the past not to take food and not to share it (due to the worry of allergies) but today she came in, took a large packet of crisps knowing she wasn’t allowed it and deliberately hid it so I wouldn’t see. I was only alerted to this as a neighbour complained. How can I get her to behave better?’

@MiddleParking

God, that would irritate me. I’d maybe say something like “can’t promise that I’m afraid, I’m happy for her to have snacks and share so any extra supervision will need to come from your end!”

Boom! This answer is the one

@Boringlynormal

I’m sure the op is, as she’s said, capable of both dealing with her Dd and the neighbour

And yet the thread is ‘How can I lash out at my neighbour for asking me not to give or allow my child to give his child food’. Not ‘My DD has been told in the past not to take food and not to share it (due to the worry of allergies) but today she came in, took a large packet of crisps knowing she wasn’t allowed it and deliberately hid it so I wouldn’t see. I was only alerted to this as a neighbour complained. How can I get her to behave better?’

How can we get you to behave yourself.

@michmum

Omg I find this so infuriating. At first I thought it a laugh that someone would discuss whats been said. However reading through your responses I'm not sure what to think now. I was always brought up to share my snacks. My children have all been allowed to run in for snack. If another child is there, obviously to share snack. Why has it become such a big issue to have a snack and share it. If they were younger children, they would be supervised and fed by the adult but at 10! Come on. If a child knows they have an allergy to a certain food then at 10 they can make that decision. Over the years watching children I've seen a few that have taken foods/sweets knowing they shouldn't as not vegan as parents requested. Maybe its me I am in 50s and seem to be the world gone mad and above discussing whether appropriate for snacks to be shared.

THIS! With bells on! My youngest is 10 but my older ones are adults now so many it's thing in the younger generation of parents. I just don't get it. 🤷🏼‍♀️ I think I'd have replied something along the lines of "oh well, kids will be kids haha"

Absolutely shameful that people are saying a 10 year old should be discouraged from sharing crisps. So it's preferable for her not to offer her treats to her friends? What a miserable bunch you all are! It is very nice of her to share with her friends, lovely she chose a big bag so she could do that.

Sharing is fine. Taking without asking something that doesn’t belong to you (aka stealing) isn’t. I’ve also known kids to want something, take it and then ‘share’ so that everyone is part of it and they don’t get the blame.

@Boringlynormal

I’m sure the op is, as she’s said, capable of both dealing with her Dd and the neighbour

And yet the thread is ‘How can I lash out at my neighbour for asking me not to give or allow my child to give his child food’. Not ‘My DD has been told in the past not to take food and not to share it (due to the worry of allergies) but today she came in, took a large packet of crisps knowing she wasn’t allowed it and deliberately hid it so I wouldn’t see. I was only alerted to this as a neighbour complained. How can I get her to behave better?’

And? Clearly she knows what she intends to do regarding her DD, but wanted to discuss the neighbour issue...

There’s no rule that says if you have a two part issue you must be seeking discussion on both parts.

@Boringlynormal

Absolutely shameful that people are saying a 10 year old should be discouraged from sharing crisps. So it's preferable for her not to offer her treats to her friends? What a miserable bunch you all are! It is very nice of her to share with her friends, lovely she chose a big bag so she could do that.

Sharing is fine. Taking without asking something that doesn’t belong to you (aka stealing) isn’t. I’ve also known kids to want something, take it and then ‘share’ so that everyone is part of it and they don’t get the blame.

Your poor kids if you consider taking a bag of crisps from your own house stealing, ffs.

@Boringlynormal

Absolutely shameful that people are saying a 10 year old should be discouraged from sharing crisps. So it's preferable for her not to offer her treats to her friends? What a miserable bunch you all are! It is very nice of her to share with her friends, lovely she chose a big bag so she could do that.

Sharing is fine. Taking without asking something that doesn’t belong to you (aka stealing) isn’t. I’ve also known kids to want something, take it and then ‘share’ so that everyone is part of it and they don’t get the blame.

If you think a child taking a bag of crisps from their own house is stealing, then I hope you don’t have kids! My children knew what they could have and when. If they took a biscuit or snack without asking I’d never class it as stealing.

@JustLyra Fair enough. Personally I don’t think the neighbour thing is unreasonable and therefore it seems unreasonable to focus on it over the bad behaviour that caused the problem.

I think a lot of people seem to struggle with their kids’ behaviour and I often see this pattern where the lax parents in question don’t like being reminded that other parents do have standards and expectations.

[quote Boringlynormal]@JustLyra Fair enough. Personally I don’t think the neighbour thing is unreasonable and therefore it seems unreasonable to focus on it over the bad behaviour that caused the problem.

I think a lot of people seem to struggle with their kids’ behaviour and I often see this pattern where the lax parents in question don’t like being reminded that other parents do have standards and expectations.[/quote]
🤮

I've had to teach mine to say no thanks due to allergies and them not thinking when offered food (also needs to be hungry to eat meals). I'd probably apologize but point out that his DS needs to have the ability to politely decline.

Sometimes I can't believe how much the world has changed since I was a kid. Surely 10 is old enough to know if you have been told you aren't allowed to snack, and if you do sneak some crisps you don't tell your parent about it? And as a parent, imagine contacting another adult about it instead of just telling off your own kid for snacking when he wasn't supposed to. It is embarrassing.

Let him enforce his family rules and tell his kids not to snack .. doesn’t mean your kid shouldn’t !

Is the child overweight? It sounds like a disproportionate level of control over a 10 year old.

If you think a child taking a bag of crisps from their own house is stealing, then I hope you don’t have kids!

My children knew what they could have and when. If they took a biscuit or snack without asking I’d never class it as stealing.

It doesn’t matter what you class it as. The point is that the child in the OP did something they knew they weren’t allowed to, did it sneakily to avoid being caught, shared it when they’d apparently been told not to share and - rightly or wrongly - upset a neighbour. The response to be cross with the neighbour just seems off to me.

[quote Boringlynormal]@JustLyra Fair enough. Personally I don’t think the neighbour thing is unreasonable and therefore it seems unreasonable to focus on it over the bad behaviour that caused the problem.

I think a lot of people seem to struggle with their kids’ behaviour and I often see this pattern where the lax parents in question don’t like being reminded that other parents do have standards and expectations.[/quote]
Lax parents? Do you mean parents who have to resort to asking their neighbour, and their neighbour’s younger child, to help enforce their house rules? Rather than expecting their 10yo to behave in the way they expect and dealing with anything they consider a breach?

Because that’s the only lax parent I can see in the OP’s situation.

@Barneybear11

Blimey. How big was the bag of crisps to fill him up enough to not eat a meal.

Indeed

@growinggreyer

You need to explain to your DD that she is not old enough to decide to feed other people's children and that some children have food allergies that can be fatal - but the child might not know or might not care at that moment. Think about that poor boy that died because another child threw a piece of cheese at him. Teach your child that she did the wrong thing.

Maybe a sign around the kids neck?

I think 10 is plenty old enough to decline an offer of food. Dd had a friend at 6 who would decline something sweet if she had had the mother's stipulated quota for the day.

Both parents are lax IMO and should be dealing with their own kids rather than silly texting. But the only one on here deflecting from their kid’s (minor) misbehaviour is the OP.

@Boringlynormal

Both parents are lax IMO and should be dealing with their own kids rather than silly texting. But the only one on here deflecting from their kid’s (minor) misbehaviour is the OP.

She hasn’t remotely deflected.

She’s just discussing the bit she’s not sure how to deal with.

growinggreyer If a 10 year old isn't aware enough to decline food that he has a fatal allergy to then he really shouldn't be playing outside unsupervised. The poor boy who had the food thrown at him is a completely different situation.

I suspect if this was posted the other way round everyone would be suggesting text the neighbour pretty much what he texted.

It’s daft to get the hump about it OP, something happened between your that was bothering your neighbour, he told you about it and that’s it - you don’t need to give it any more thought!