Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

If you're female and frequented rock clubs...

261 replies

whoami24601 · 12/03/2021 10:23

Can you help me? I have a theory...

With #toomanymen trending and everyone sharing stories I've been mulling over my own experiences of harassment. Whilst thinking about my time as a teenager I've realised that, although I mostly went to rock pubs and clubs, all of my bad experiences happened in 'normal' nightclubs.

I have long thought that the rock scene is much more relaxed, friendly and accepting than others, and I'd like to know if that is your experience as well? I'm interested if I'm the exception or the rule.

Thanks!

OP posts:
whoami24601 · 12/03/2021 11:18

Oh I'm so glad you all had the same experience as me! I was definitely underage and vulnerable but always had a feeling of being watched out for. And yes to zero tolerance! Men just didn't get away with it. I hadn't thought about genre specific venues of all kinds as I haven't experienced any others but it's true that people are there for the music, which creates an instant community. People looked after each other. God I'd give a lot of money to go back to those days!

OP posts:
Loopyloututu2 · 12/03/2021 11:21

I agree. I think men who are into the rock scene possibly tend to be more mature - maybe more intelligent? It takes a bit more indivisible thinking to be into more diverse music, maybe they are more comfortable in themselves?
They are generally there for the music, not to feel up women.

NoisyBrain · 12/03/2021 11:21

Yep, always felt safe in indie clubs & pubs. Although, on the rare occasion I went ‘mainstream’ in my youth I don’t recall being hassled there either. Must’ve been my resting bitch face haha.

PurpleHoodie · 12/03/2021 11:21

Yes. Agree.

digthroughtheditches · 12/03/2021 11:21

YY there for the music the chat and then the doormen who didn't take any messing.
Felt a safe space.

Loopyloututu2 · 12/03/2021 11:22

*individual not indivisible!

Justcashnosweets · 12/03/2021 11:22

Any 'normal' nightclubs were always where the trouble was. Predatory men and folk looking for a fight. However, gay clubs, raves, rock clubs, never saw any trouble. And I used to go to alot of clubs!

Ro198 · 12/03/2021 11:22

Yeah I would agree too

ComDummings · 12/03/2021 11:22

Come to think of it yes, in indie and rock clubs I mostly felt safe and ‘free.’ Less lad culture among the guys there maybe? I don’t know.

Campervan69 · 12/03/2021 11:23

I would be interested to know how long ago this was when we felt safe as well because when I was clubbing was about 30 years ago.... Things may well have changed by now in all types of clubs due to the easy access to hardcore porn that all men seem to be accessing.

Bmidreams · 12/03/2021 11:27

Agreed. And yes to everyone being uber cool!! In the 90s.

GrumpyHoonMain · 12/03/2021 11:28

@Campervan69

I would be interested to know how long ago this was when we felt safe as well because when I was clubbing was about 30 years ago.... Things may well have changed by now in all types of clubs due to the easy access to hardcore porn that all men seem to be accessing.
I went to a rock club recently before lockdown and encountered similar amounts of sleazy behaviour from men. The only difference was that unlike in standard clubs security seemed to have a zero tolerance to it. But that could be the club itself rather than the rock scene in general.
ComDummings · 12/03/2021 11:34

Hmm yes it was a while ago, my teenage/early 20s clubbing phase was 2005-2013ish. Loads of creepy men, loads of harassment and stuff. A couple of us got our drinks spiked for sure but we were luckily always in a group and very good at looking out for each other. Didn’t feel like the rock and indie clubs were anything like the more mainstream clubs full of creeps.

Susie477 · 12/03/2021 11:37

I agree with everyone else, I never had any problems in rock clubs, either. My theory is that genre music clubs attract a regular crowd who are there primarily for the music. Many of them know one another to some extent, so behaviour is largely self-policing.

‘Normal’ nightclubs really were just a meat market in my young days, which were decades before Tinder. People went to clubs to pull, both girls and lads, so it was a completely different experience and a certain amount of what might now be considered harassment was to be expected. If you really objected to having your bum groped, you didn’t go to ‘Roxy’s’ or whatever your local place was called.

HiPieInTheSky · 12/03/2021 11:38

Another one who agrees with you op, I have been going to rock clubs/pubs/gigs since the early 80's never had any problems.

Normal night clubs and the like I really did not feel that I fitted in and probably showed on my face, STFA.......it worked!

Is it a bit mad to say it feels a bit like a family get together where everyone just wants to enjoy themselves and does not want anyone to spoil it?

TheWelshposter · 12/03/2021 11:38

I always went to rock and indie clubs and never had a bad experience luckily. I didn't go to dance clubs or wetherspoons type places so can't compare.

BearSoFair · 12/03/2021 11:38

Yep, similar experience for me. I didn't spend much time in clubs but definitely generally feel/felt safe at rock gigs. In the last few years there seems to be a big 'safe gigs for women' presence and security (and the acts themselves, to be fair. I've seen Frank Turner stop a show, point out a guy causing trouble, and wait for him to be removed) are very hot on throwing dodgy guys out with zero tolerance.

Mango87 · 12/03/2021 11:39

Rock music may be particularly adept at reducing cognitive dissonance resulting from ambivalence in the male mind thus reducing contradictory trains of thought and unreasoned, impulsive actions?

BillywigSting · 12/03/2021 11:44

Yep I never had any trouble in any of the rock clubs, except for one time. The one time it did happen, a group of men (who were strangers to me) witnessed it and 'dealt' with the offending knob head rather quickly and he left holding his tooth in his hand. The heavily muscled, pierced and tattooed doorman happened to 'not be looking in that direction and didn't hear anything'.

Have had multiple bouts of trouble in more mainstream places and tried to avoid them when I was younger.

SinisterBumFacedCat · 12/03/2021 11:45

Yep, in the 90’s I would go to indie clubs in London and feel pretty safe, I went with my mostly male friends and they were respectful, we were there for the music and dancing. I never got groped there. My friends didn’t have to worry about men picking a fight with them. Same with festivals. Going to the local clubs were different. Constantly having some random bump up behind you when dancing. I was never attacked but I witnessed men beating up other men and bouncers getting aggressive, I used to fear for my friends when walking between clubs in town because there were so many thugs looking for a fight. In London it felt much safer than my local town. I think in Rock/Indie/dance/retro etc clubs people went to dance to music they wouldn’t normally hear in mainstream clubs. Town clubs people don’t really care about the music, a lot of people were there to get drunk and pull, that’s it.

Bordois · 12/03/2021 11:46

I font think its a thing particular to rock clubs (although I've never had a negative experience at one) I think that at most genre clubs and gigs people go there for the specific experience of hearing the music and not to pull iyswim? A lot of raves and dance music specific clubs were similar too - people were there to get high and dance, not to pull.

chickensaresafehere · 12/03/2021 11:46

I'm 50 this year & spent my pre teen & teen years living in pubs. One we had was a bikers/rock pub but also other people drank there too.
I experienced NO sexual harassment from any of the biker/rock types,they treated me like a little sister & were very protective of me. The 'other' men that frequented the pub,well that's a different story !!

MedusasBadHairDay · 12/03/2021 11:47

Maybe marginally safer, but definitely not 100% safe.

I've been groped in rock pubs and clubs, had inappropriate comments, had to pretend I had a boyfriend to avoid persistent men (the lesbian excuse never worked, they just expected you to put on a sex show), had a man try to follow me into what he thought were empty toilets (luckily a friend was already in there, so he scarpered), had a man wank in front of a group of us girls..

Some of the men tried to be less overt about their harassment, sure, but it didn't stop.

Have had a lot of conversations with friends about the behaviour of men in rock clubs and it doesn't cast men in a good light tbh.

The main reason I felt safer in rock clubs was because I wouldn't get shit for being a goth, not because I could avoid misogyny.

Harefield · 12/03/2021 11:49

No. Sadly. I mostly went to rock and indie clubs when I was younger and I was sexually assaulted there, by two guys I knew. My ‘friends’ turned a blind eye. The last time I went to one a man grabbed my breasts. Other big, burly rockers (who I didn’t know, and were a lot older than me and had actually been a bit lecherous themselves) went to find him and he left pretty sharpish. I didn’t like that either, I think they thought they were getting in with me by displaying their manliness in looking after me and that I’d be grateful. The whole thing was a horrible display of male aggression.

In a rock pub I used to frequent, there was a man in his forties who regularly attached himself to very young girls. He did it to me and as I clearly wasn’t interested and he wouldn’t leave me alone, his friends came and told him to pack it in, but it was all a bit of a joke, ooh that’s just what he’s like. He did it all the time and they normalised it.

An acquaintance of mine is seen by everyone as an old round good guy. He was the best man at my relative’s wedding and regularly DJs at clubs and performs in bands. We are all into the same sorts of music and there had been a night out at a rock club. He got into a taxi with a woman in their friendship group and then told her that everybody else had decided to go to his house. It was a lie. They had all gone elsewhere and he’d decided that he wanted to try to get her alone. She was obviously very unhappy and disturbed by this, but it was brushed off as him being so lonely because all of his friends were in relationships, so naturally, the only thing to do is to trick a woman into going to your home alone. He still has ‘good guy’ status.

I think there was possibly a greater proportion of non-creepy men in these clubs, as worse things happened in other clubs and more frequently. A man tried to abduct me from a tacky club after sexually assaulting me and telling me he was going to rape me. But no, liking a particular genre of music is no indication that you are somehow different to men who listen to other types of music.

Then there was the lad I’d been seeing who non stop called me, my friends, anybody who knew me or knew my number, because I didn’t want to go out with him. I’d had to leave the rock club because he turned up. He followed me into a fast food restaurant where he shouted that I’m a slag, a whore, a fucking bitch, over and over. A friend’s parent picked me up and he called everybody demanding to know where I was and that he was coming to get me. No idea what he meant by that but I was scared. I don’t see the relevance of the rock club, tbh. He’s a misogynist whether he’s in the club or going about his daily life.

HiPieInTheSky · 12/03/2021 11:50

@Susie477, yes totally agree with what you said about most people knowing each other and clubs having their regulars.

So much so many of our 'group' met and married and are still married (inc me!) and then took their kids to gigs etc

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.