@ISaySteadyOn
Good point.
Parenting question: how can I become more firm? I think my DC need it but I am a naturally self effacing person so I find it difficult.
Be clear about your purpose and its point. If you have your own conviction about that it helps.
I tend to deal with natural consequences where applicable. Otherwise it's loss of tech allowence to make the point. I don't go nuclear, it doesn't help either party. Last summer, the darlings deleted the parental controls app on my phone so that was a week's tech ban, but for everyone's sanity they could earn a restricted allowence back with chores so that gave them a bit more incentive to behave until the ban ended.
I do listen and compromise, but there is justification of this (or refusal of).
One great thing I learned in teaching was don't get distracted by secondary behaviour. Stick to the initial point.
Sometimes you have to wait for them to be calm and rational again. Esp true for DS1. In those cases he goes to his room to calm down. He might need food/ drink (esp post school) and we discuss the behaviour when he has calmed down. If he flares up again, it's back to his room again which can take a few attempts.
Sometimes DH and I play good cop/ bad cop (importantly this does change and is not a fixed rolè) and it does help reach a compromise without either side "giving up"
It's tough, we wing it, but we have boundaries that work for us. Importantly the DCs cope with boundaries elsewhere too!