I’ve been sent a message meant for someone else, slagging off my appearance

[CheckYourWhatsAppBeforeYouSend]

NC'd for this as it's very outing. But if anyone recognises the situation then meh.

I changed my FB profile picture today for the first time in about 3 years. It was a normal selfie of just me (I don't like having my kids in my profile pictures). I only did it because I'd coloured and styled my hair and tried my new make up, as something to do more than anything! and thought it looked quite nice (as opposed to rocking my usual Worzel Gummidge look) so thought it's time for an update on social media. I didn't use any filters or photoshopping (don't know how anyway). I got a few compliments on my comments which was nice!

Anyway, I'm part of a WhatsApp group for mums in my 8yo DD's class. There's a few mums who are best friends. One of these mums - obviously meant for maybe their own little WhatsApp group, or one of the other mothers - sent a screenshot of my profile picture with the caption "Funny how she doesn't look like this on the school run. The things that Face tune can do for a person 😹😹'.

It was deleted almost straight away but I saw it and got a screenshot of what she sent.

I'm pretty upset and pissed off - which is unlike me but aside from the fact that I DIDN'T use photo editing, this seems to me like they maybe slag me off on a regular basis? I'm not friends with any of the other mums, I say hello etc and make small talk at parties but didn't ever think I'd done anything to warrant being made fun of.

Anyway to not drip feed - the one who sent it is a teacher in the DC's school. I don't know who exactly she was meant to send it to but assuming she just got the wrong mum's group?

Anyway I'm posting to ask for help. Should I

1. Ignore it, pretend I never saw it - I will be totally honest I have in the past sent screen shots to a friend of ridiculous things people we dislike have said. Never other school mums though, I'm far too indifferent to them.
2. Come back with a witty and cutting reply.
3. Confront the mum (and teacher) who said it - to clarify she's taught both my DD and DS in the past, and is a good teacher.
4. Something else
5. Get over it, these things happen it's just it happened to me this time.

Feeling pretty shit

I'm really glad you have had (what sounds like) a genuine apology.

Brownie points to her for phoning you and talking to you properly.
All sounds very plausible.

I think you've got to give her credit. She called you straight back and didn't hide behind a text.

Shame a person has to use comments like that to be liked or accepted by the group.
Grow up is one reply I’d use.
Or
I didn’t realise being a teacher meant you had to act like the children in the playground you teach, what a good ambassador you are to the children.

I love you op, simply for updating us. I get so fed up of stories with no endings on here.

@SilverRoe

Bloody hell! An issue like this resolved with calm maturity on both sides. Is this actually mumsnet??

In all seriousness, well done OP you’ve dealt with this in a great way.

This!! Good for you OP!

Thanks for the update, she's played it smart. I agree you've made your point and I'd leave it there, but I don't buy her explanation.

She said it was out of character for her. Doubtful.
The message wasn't meant for any school mums, it was meant for her husband. Doubtful. Sounds like it was aimed at fellow school run mums. Does her DH do the school run?
She sent it straight from her photo app, and pressed on the mums group icon rather than her husbands icon. Doubtful. When people gossip they usually double check who they're sending it to.
She says there's no separate group that she's part on that has mums on it Doubtful.

I think you've got to give her credit. She called you straight back and didn't hide behind a text.

I agree, that must have taken some courage.

Love your update OP. I don't think that could have gone better. We'll done 👏

“Ooops, I’ll make more effort on the school run then ”

Sounds like the best possible outcome from an awkward situation. Now you can move on with your head held high

Well you’re a better person that me OP. 🤣

But I understand your reasons for handling it how you did. I think you’ve been very dignified. Hope you’re feeling ok about it all now. ❤️

Glad you've had such a positive conclusion OP - I think you handled it brilliantly and you've got your points across without getting her into trouble.

FWIW we have similar problems with social media, fuelled by the Head. He's a nasty bully and encourages staff in the school to be on the year whatsapp chats and to report back any dissent, then rings or emails the perpetrator and lambasts them about it.

I must remember to ask him about the school's social media policy for staff.

It's horrible and totally unprofessional for staff and parents to mix in this way. I know it's difficult when staff have children in the year groups, but it has made for a really nasty atmosphere in our school since he took over.

If you'd mis-sent a screen shot deriding someone’s appearance to the object of your derision. You’d squirm if that person replied to you.

It’s because you are faced with the reality that the person your bitching about knows you’re a bitch and has feelings and it makes you face your bad behaviour.

Too many times when people remain silent the bullies of the world feel they’re incredibly clever and right as nobody challenges or questions their behaviour.

The OP has pointed out she saw the text. She’s stated she won’t take it further (this time), which makes it clear that this could have had quite serious repercussions for the teacher.

If the teacher chooses not to learn from this episode. Well she has only herself to blame if she loses her job or next time upsets someone who is confrontational and angry.

It was meant for her husband? Yeah right

I agree, that must have taken some courage.

Not courage, desperate damage control to keep her job. That offer to call the Head was reverse psychology. As I said, she's played it smart.

Glad it’s been resolved OP.

Previous post was to Sabrina.

I also think that this woman is extremely lucky that you were the target of this particular 'error of judgement'... It could have been quite different for her had she insulted someone less rational.

Sounds like a positive outcome OP. The teacher messed up and good on her for being brave enough to pick up the phone and apologise to you. Now probably best to draw a line under it and don’t forget to wear your best frock on the Monday school run

Oh and well done you for dealing with it so nicely!

I've sent fairly similar messages to my DH, but wouldn't dream of sending them to a friend or WhatsApp group. I wouldn't discount it being the truth.

Of course I'm not the teacher or her friend considering I made the point that she is either a bitch or having a bad day Should I assume everyone who posted in support of messaging are the OP's friends? No, because I'm not 12. There are factions who love to create drama whether it's on MN or in WhatsApp groups. I give both those factions a wide berth.

@CheckYourWhatsAppBeforeYouSend

You’ve handled this with grace and class and she will squirm every-time she sees you/thinks about you/you come up in conversation.

This is probably the best outcome, and don’t feel bad about how you look, I look shocking on the school run and I think I have a few nice selfies!

@CheckYourWhatsAppBeforeYouSend

I think you're pretty much spot on - I'm also a teacher & agree that we really don't need to be forming circular firing squads right now! It wouldn't sit well with me to go to the HT & get her a bollocking. A squirming apology would do me.

I'd definitely PM her to say 'that was a bit uncalled for', with your screenshot, so she has the opportunity to grovel (& knows damn well that yes you did bloody see it & could drop her in the shit if you chose).

In terms of the group, I'd be wary of expressing hurt or anger because

a) you've left it too long now - it'll look like you're seriously festering over it, & the gossips will be agog
b) group dynamics are weird. It could be that everyone decides you're over reacting, it was all bants etc & you end up being the one perceived as the bad guy - ok, that'd be ridiculous & would make them all idiots & bitches, but, well, school parent whatsapp groups are full of bitchy idiots...
& c) if some rubbernecker decides its their duty to report it to the HT, it might conceivably get back to yours too - & then get spun as '6 of one, half a dozen of the other' with BOTH of you getting your knuckles rapped for beefing at each other on SM.

I'd want to come across as a completely not bothered good sport to the group, so it's obvious who the 'mean girl' is here.

So I'd do something like changing my profile picture to something truly ridiculous - eg I'm quite gothy so I'd go with Morticia Addams/Maleficent/Disney Evil Queen - & then post a screenshot with 'ta-dah! I have actually found my filter now' with laugh/kiss emojis.

That way everyone thinks 'oh Check is a good egg, she could have got really arsey about that if she'd wanted to...' & there's nothing more to gossip about.

I get what everyone is saying about reporting it, but I think it's overkill - IF she acknowledges that she's been an absolute twat, then that serves the same purpose of making her reflect, without huge repercussions on her job/dc/your dc.

Op you're a bigger person than me. Well done.
However I do call bullshit on the point that it was for her DH. That's the type of message for other women not a husband.

Excellent update. This will definitely make her change her behaviour in future. Well done OP, well handled